demetria lucas @abelleinbk
demetria lucas @abelleinbk
Brooklyn
Life Coach and Author of A Belle In Brooklyn, the award-winning site and the book. abelleinbrooklyn.com
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Ask about dating/ relationships ONLY. Coaching? coachedbybelle @gmail.com
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I was dating a guy for 6mos. No real issues. Out of the blue, he breaks up w/me. Weeks later he asks to start over, I said no. Now he wants to be friends but I sense ulterior motives, so Ive given it space. He has a major life event coming up and Im debating whether I should reach out or move on.
No. Let it bang. Move on. You don't trust him.
Let him handle his life event. He'll be fine.
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My dad was not active in my life growing up, but has made some efforts in the past 2 years (now that I'm grown of course) to have presence in my life. I'm not married, but have always dreamt of having my dad walk me down the aisle. If it were you, would you give him that honor?
It doesn't matter what I would do. It's not my life. What do YOU want to do??
YOU are the one that has a dream of something. It's not about giving him the honor as much as it is about you fulfilling your dream.
Re: Dating 4 Fun Girl. Okay, so how do I keep myself out of my feelings? What are the rules here, lol? I don't want to be calling myself "dating for fun" and eff around and build up some feelings I can't do anything with.
stop day dreaming about what could be and just enjoy the moment knowing its coming to an end.
date other people and don't spend all of your down time with him. have fun as long as its fun. if it gets heavy, be out.
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I'm in a really good relationship right now. Actions match words and he treats me how I want to be treated. I'm not used to this so I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. How can I let those past feelings go?
acknowledge him for who he is and what he does. he is not any of the men before him. you deserved a good love and now you have one.
he deserves the benefit of the doubt if his actions consistently match his words.
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Thank so much about the relocation advice. I feel a whole lot better. Its for health reasons and you made me realize that me and my health are worth it. I have suffered mentally, emotionally, spiritually and phyaically and i can't wait to be healthy again...your awesome
You're awesome too.
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Has their ever been a time when you slacked up on your writing. I started a blog 2 years ago and was feeling good about it all. Then I suffered some personal loss' and I tapped out. I wrote but didn't publish nothing. I'm ready to go back at it but I feeling guilty
Yup. Whenever I'm working on a book. I don't have it in me to blog, and edit a book AND meet journo deadlines AND coach AND all the other stuff I do.
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BF & I have been discussing doing the stay-at-home mom thing once we're married with small kids. He's completely in favor of it & I too want to be home with our kids when they're small, but that woman's allowance story frightens me. Any tips on how to express those concerns to bf?
Every man is not that woman's husband. Don't let someone else's drama cause issues in your relationship.
That said, you can talk to your husband about your concerns and have a conversation: "So I was reading Belle's ask fm today and this woman said XYZ. How can we keep that from being us?"
Hey B! Grrr, dating this guy (2 mths in) & he's brought up tht he's thinkin of moving bck 2 NY (we're n NC). He's alrdy asking if I would come visit & all BUT says he doesn't do LDRs. Idw an LDR either. Keep dating & have fun or cut my losses? I am dating for a r'ship & rly like him. *sigh*
Keep dating. Have fun. Every date isn't meant to be a bf.
I've been dating a guy for 7 months and he randomly broke it off. We broke off a couple times before but not like this. He says he wants his space but hasn't told me the issues. Everyone thinks he's being childish and making a mistake even me. How do I get him to realize and communicate with me?
In 7 months, you've broken up "a couple" times before? This doesn't sound like it's ever been a stable situation.
I know you're hurt. But if in seven months, this is the third break up, it's not looking like this situation is meant to be.
It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, or even what you think about whether you should be together. If he doesn't want to be there, he doesn't. And that stands even of you think the issues are childish. He doesn't think they are and he's so mad/upset/over it that he's called off the relationship. Respect his wishes the same way you would want yours respected. If he has a change of heart, he will call to say so. Let him be.
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I am interested in this guy. From observing how he is with others, he comes off as a naturally flirty/nice person. He has initiated an outing, just the two of us which seemed to me like him showing interest. But how can I tell if he is just being nice to me or if he is actually interested?
Ask him. Don't beat around the bush. Ask what you want to know. Then see if what he does matches what he says.
My 28 y/oBF hasn't said "I love you" yet.Official for 5 months-dated 4 months prior to. I told him I was in love with him back in Dec. He seemed overwhelmed with emotion, said he cared deeply for me. He's a great guy. His actions seemed to show it- is it weird he hasn't said it ? I'm his 1st GF, btw
Maybe he's not there yet. There's no timetable. Let him say it if/ when he is ready. You don't want him to lie.
If you only said it to get him to say it back, you said it for the wrong reasons. You loving him should not be conditional on whether he loves you too.
It's great that his actions SHOW love. Let him continue to SHOW you. It means more than saying it anyway. When he is ready, he will speak up.
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Well...she seems to like my leftovers. This isn't the first time she has been "interested" in someone from my past but I never thought she would actually consider dating my ex. I thought this was breaking the girl code!
I don't consider dating exes as breaking "girl code". There's an entire chapter in my first book, A Belle in Brooklyn, about this.
The idea that because he was once your bf and he is forever off limits to everyone who knows you (and their friends to) is way overboard.
That said, if she's made a habit of going after your exes, you either need to have a sit down with her to ask essentially "wtf?" or cut her. Her consistently being interested in your exes is more about YOU than the exes.
one of my best girlfriends asked me if it was ok for her to get to know a guy I RECENTLY talked to. I told her if she wanted to but that it made me question our friendship. I feel this was done behind my back bcuz she later revealed they had been communicating. How should I handle our friendship?
I'm not mad she asked. Weird given the timing, but an ask is an ask. The problem is she's the homie and she was already talking to him.
Eh. How good a friend has she been prior? If she's been a good friend, I wouldn't let a friendship go to crap over a guy, or the sneaking with him IF you two were no longer talking.
OP: disappointed by BF. On girls night out we passed by a restaurant and I saw BF with a woman giggling over wine. Woman was ex, nice and all, said he told her all about me invited us all to sit/chat, but it looked like a date AND I was embarrassed front of girls. He said last min. call to go out.
It likely wasn't last minute. And even if it was, it takes, what 30 seconds to text, maybe 5 seconds to call and say, "hey, just got a call from XYZ asking to meet up. Would you be cool?"
He didn't ask because he knew the answer would be no. He didn't give a head's up because he knew you would flip.
People are going to screw up. That's one guarantee. If he's not prime to screwing up on a regular basis, this can we worked through. And it will be easier, if you focus more on the issue and less on being embarrassed in front of friends. Don't let your pride get in the way of problem solving.
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MIL loaned us money for our first house, over the years we paid her back, yet she still brings it up to anyone that will listen that she "gave" us our down payment. Husband says let her live, but I find her self-aggrandizing grating on my MF nerves. Am I being over sensitive?
Yep.
She's fudging the truth and she's bragging to make herself feel better
You're taking it as "damn, kids couldn't afford it, so I had to help".
Unless she's really horrid, her perspective is probably, " had it and I helped my family in need and I am a great person because of this."
You only go to war with his mom when it's absolutely necessary. This is not. It's your ego in the way. Pick your battles, boo. Woo sah.
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If you had a BF who was sent to prison would you continue to be in a relationship with him? It feels shitty to drop someone due to back luck and hard times. But we talking prison, I don't want to be one of those letter writing women watching my life pass me by and only seeing him on visitor days.
Depends on what he went to prison for and how long.
But really? Unless it was in defense of his or someone else's life and he wasn't dealing in street ish, I'm probably not sticking around for a bf.
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My husband has me on an allowance that does not cover groceries, vet bills, gas and household bills. He travels for work, I do his expense reports and see what he spends on non-reimbursable activities and dinners. I feel resentful and he doesn't understand why. He measures us w diff rulers. WWYD?
He doesn't see you as an equal/ respect what you do. Look at his actions. And you've described your money as an "allowance" as though you are a child. You're married. Your his wife. Not his kid.
Put it to him plain-- your job is running the house. And you can not do all the things he takes for granted if he does not provide you with the means to do them. You do the expense reports and you have a problem that he spends on frivolous things and ignores what is needed at home. Would he not have a problem of you spent the house money or new clothes and shoes?
Exactly.
Hopefully a conversation can get thru to him. If not, don't take care of anything but the vet bill. It's petty. It will get his attention when you out the unpaid notice I front of him or when the fridge is empty. When he gets it, then have the conversation again.
You may also need to seriously getting a job so you aren't at the whim of your husband and his financial control.
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I am a freelance writer for a black online publication. Sometimes, the editor gives me stories that I know are very uninteresting and would not resonate with the readers. Should I just keep my mouth shut and write the story or should I say "Hey, no offense, but no one cares about this story"?
If you're a freelancer, you can decline, or suggest another angle.
I do it all the time. YOUR name goes on it, not the editor's.
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Me and my ex randomly broke it off last week. We didn't talk or anything. All he's saying is he doesn't want to deal and wants to be solo? But we've been dating for 7 months. Do I take it for what it is or confront him about it and tell him he's making a mistake.
Take it for what it is. He doesn't want to be committed. It hurts (and sucks), but LISTEN.
You can't make someone love you if they don't. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. He's told you that he does not.
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my entire life I've romanticized relationships. I understand that it is largely because of my broken relationship with dad (I've had therapy) but I want to stop. long before our first date, I've fantasized us into a relationship. I hate that I do it and want to stop but old habits die hard.
This is my a quick answer Q. If you'd like help, please reach out to me for coaching: coachedbybelle at gmail dotcom
Dating a man with a problematic ex that spreads lies, e-spys and calls late at night to interrupt. He and I are not exclusive and I don't think he is encouraging her, she is just bitter that he's moved on. I like him, wonderful guy, but I didn't sign up for all this. When would you cut bait?
At the late night calls. The other stuff is about him. The calls bring it to him, and he's not blocking them.
Unfortunate that this is going on, but it's too much drama and you should not be expected to deal.
I go through these phases where I hate men & dating. In one now. Man I was dating waited until we had been dating for four months before he told me he had a three month old child. I do not understand that, why you dating when you have responsibilities?! I don't want to end up bitter, what do I do?
All men are not the guy you just dated.
But right now, you're hurt and angry. Anyone who experienced what you did, would be. It's smart to take a break, re-gather yourself and heal.
One of the ways you get bitter is by not giving yourself time to heal from a heartbreak. Folks stuff down their hurt and call it "dealing" and it just comes out in other ways.
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Marriage question: separate or joint bank accounts? separate bank accounts seem like the partners don't trust one another but a single joint account for all the money feels frightening to me who has always had my own money with no one's input on how it is spent. Hubs pushing for joint. I love/trust
There's no one way to do this. Only the way that works for you and your hubs.
My take: trust him. And have at least 4 accounts. His/hers, a joint, and a savings.
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Going with guy, his older bro. is always hitting on me, getting too close, breathing in my ear while talking when lil bro. is not in the room. Lil bro. says he is just joking, &it's funny. I don't think so. It makes me wonder if something more is going on that I don't know about. What would you do?
Either dude has to address it with his brother and it stops, or you don't go anywhere where the older brother is and/or you stop dating guy.
You just told your man, "I feel unsafe/scared" and he did nothing about it. In fact, he laughed. This is not ok.
You say that it takes time to know if you love someone. Both sets of grandparents say it was love at first sight for them, I have held on to that notion since I was old enough to hear the stories. Do you say not possible because of modern times or do you completely not believe in love @ first sight
In general, I don't believe in love at first sight. You don't meet someone and suddenly know them well enough to build a life with them. That takes time.
Your grands were lucky, or rate, or given their history, have brushed over some details. I know several married couples that tell great "how we met" and "we always knew stories."
Um, I was there for some of those early stages. The story they tell leaves out a lot of messy details. But "I met him, he was dating other women, and I used to drive by his apartment to see if he was home ", doesn't have the same ring as "it was love at first sight."
Does it happen for some folks like your grands? Sure. I'll take your word for it. But looking for "love at first sight" is not a dating strategy that is applicable to the masses. Your grands were the exception to the rule. Everybody wants to be the exception to all the hard rules, but they are not.
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