@ardenleigh

Arden Leigh

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In your recent interview for kateallure.com, you mentioned that you know a woman in her late fifties who does well with younger men, and that she has an active twitter and newsletter; Would you be able to share who you were referring to? I'd love to check her out!

Yes, her twitter is @chelseagsummers

Just listened to the second part of your interview on Sex the Podcast. Great stuff! I always kind of wondered how group sex sessions like that end. Do you say goodbye casually like you would if you hadn't all just fucked?

We said goodbye casually like we DID just fuck, cuz we did. Guys, sex is sex, and it has to be approached with care and conscientiousness for the other person or people involved, but there's no reason you can't hug warmly and head home the next day. Why is this weird?

I really loved your book and the podcasts you did on Sex With Timaree! What do you recommend for women wanting to learn specific pickup techniques involving NLP, evo-psych, etc.?

I'd read Sex At Dawn for evo psych. As for NLP, honestly the best thing I can recommend is to print out the basic tenets of NLP and read them over every morning until you internalize them (look up explanations of them first if you need to as well). I don't know many other people out there teaching women's pickup but I do love the videos by my bestie Adam Lyons (youtube.com/afcadamlondon) and I think much of his work transcends gender boundaries.
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When do you estimate your memoir will come out?

Well, if a publisher out there buys it before it's written and gives me a deadline, that will speed things along. It's weighing on my mind an awful lot lately but 2014 was a tough year for getting things done for various reasons that got in the way. Even if I finish it on my own there's no telling who will buy it or when, or when that publisher will choose to put it out. Of all my current projects though that is the most pressing in my mind though, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
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Do you have a new cat? What's up with Wesley? I like him!

Wesley is doing great. He's living with my family in Vegas, where I see him once or twice a month when I visit, which is a better situation for him because he has a large house to run around in and other cats to be friends with. He's a very social creature and experiences far less anxiety when there are other living beings in the house, which is tougher to maintain in LA as I live alone and am often out and about. I took one of my parents' cats to LA with me, Virgil, who's a much quieter and distinctly more monogamous cat who decided I was his owner a few years ago when he started sleeping on my bed at my family's house even after I'd left. They're both happy and I love them both dearly.

I fell for a guy who is passionate about traveling. He loves to explore and see new things. I know that to seduce him I have to be more seductive than travel. How can I go about this?

I chose to answer this in the upcoming issue of Auxiliary. Thanks for asking!
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I'm a trans-guy, though pass for cis. At what point do I tell girls I'm interested in about this? I'm nervous it will scare everyone away.

I chose to answer this question in the upcoming issue of Auxiliary. Now that it's subscription-only however, since you personally asked this question I'm happy to email you my answer privately if you don't subscribe. That's a little less anonymous but I hope it goes without saying that I won't share your info.

It appears that auxiliary magazine no longer publishes the issues for free online; you have to purchase the digital copy or the print copy. All you can see on the website is a "preview" which doesn't include your column. So we're not actually seeing the answers you're posting there :( Still haven't

Well, there are worse things in the world than paying for content. I post a lot of free shit online -- my blog, this site (when I can get to it, which admittedly has been less often than I'd wish, although hopefully that should change soon), along with other free sites I write for like datingadvice.com or the myriad podcast interviews I record for other shows. It was a $10 donation to the Auxiliary Kickstarter to get a year's worth of digital issues -- that's less than you'd pay to go see a movie. The people behind Auxiliary, myself included, work really hard to bring a quality product to life, and so honestly to read your response here with your little sadface emoticon is disheartening to say the least. I know it's a tough economy out there, but that economy is equally tough for the artists behind the magazine trying to put something together for all its readers. So if you like it all that much, maybe consider actually supporting it.

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I have been married for almost 7 years. Our sex life has been terrible. He has impotence issues and after several failed attempts we have not tried having sex for a while. I have a healthy sex life through masturbation/porn etc. But, I miss having down and dirty sex. Do I cheat? Threeway?

I chose to answer this question in the next issue of Auxiliary Magazine. Thanks for asking!
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For me, casual relationships have become less fulfilling, yet any attempts at a relationship makes me realize that I just don't see the personality qualities I'm looking for in who I'm dating at that time. Am I being too picky, or am I just looking in the wrong places?

I chose to answer this question in the upcoming issue of Auxiliary Magazine. Thanks for asking!

Does your column appear on auxiliary magazine's website each month? I've been looking through the website and can't find any recent Ask Arden entries.

Yes (although technically it's a bi-monthly publication), but you have to open the actual issue of the magazine. It's free, and it if you click on "read issue" it should open in a new window, and you'll have to thumb through the pages like an actual magazine. It'll work on an iphone browser too although you may have to zoom in to read it. The Ask Arden columns don't get reprinted in individual blog posts on the site like many other articles do, although maybe if you put in a request that could change!

What aspect of your life currently brings you the most joy/fulfillment?

For me, it's always been sexual intimacy. Nothing else comes anywhere near the deep bliss that good, connected, intimate sex brings me -- except perhaps the seduction leading up to it, which is also fulfilling, if in a less tranquil, more energetic kind of way. Unfortunately the gap between the feeling of intimate connected sex and the feeling of careless, disconnected sex is huge, otherwise I could easily feel fulfilled whenever I wanted. Pretty much I've set my entire life up as a construct to achieve the former, so it shouldn't really come as a surprise. At the end of the day, fuck everything else.

Hey Arden, I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. We were not in a good place and I got scared/treated him badly. I still have feelings for him and we still text, although it typically is only for a few weeks at a time or until he gets too emotional and shuts off (then it repeats) . Anything I can do ?

First off, props to you for admitting your part in where things went wrong. Honestly, that’s sometimes the hardest part in making progress. The fact that you can take some responsibility for the role you played in the breakup tells me that you are probably in a better place and ready to have a mature conversation with your ex.
It’s good that you used the low-pressure means of texting to reestablish some comfort, but now that you’ve done that, can you meet in person? Face-to-face would be the best context in which to talk in seriousness about what happened. When you can meet with him for coffee or lunch, tell him pretty much exactly what you told me here – that you acted as you did because you were scared and in a bad place, that you own your part in that, and that you’ve changed and you would like another chance to do things right. Be prepared to tell him the work you’ve done on yourself, the changes you’ve made, and the better place you’re in now.
Ultimately you have to let him make his own decision, and if he doesn’t want to try things again, then you have to respect that and thank him for being truthful. But then at least you’ll have your answer and you can move on knowing that you did your best to make a case for yourself. Best of luck either way!

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Do you ever find it hard to reconcile being a strong, empowered, and self-respecting woman with having sexual fantasies of submission and degradation? (If it wasn't already obvious, I'm asking because I do. And the fantasies are not going away.)

I'm glad you asked. I put this question in this month's Ask Arden column for Auxiliary Magazine because I think it's a really good one. So stay tuned there, it should be out soon.

How do I write a diary in the third person, so no one actually thinks the experiences are coming from the author

Change every "I" to "she," and put an s after every present-tense verb.

It seems like most guys these days want girls to send them naked photos via text - even if you've only been dating for a short period of time. What are you thoughts on sexting?

I dig sexting but sending a naked photo without warning sits poorly with me, unless you already have a relationship where you've established that that's welcome. It's better form to ask for consent -- for example, to ask for a private email where you can send things, or to send photos seamlessly interwoven with sexts (e.g., "would you like to see where I am right now?"). It's most important to me to know that someone's actually at their phone when I'm going to send something, so that I don't accidentally send a naked photo that pops up on their iphone screen when their phone is on a table somewhere that their coworkers are going to see. For situations where I'm not already texting with the person, I use an email that I know is safe.
As for me, my boobs are already on the internet, so if a guys straight up out of nowhere asks me for photos, I'm most likely to tell him to just google me. I know how those conversations often go and I know that once I send a photo or two, they're not likely to stick around for my own gratification, so to speak. I'd rather send a photo, or get a photo request, when we're already in the middle of sexts I'm enjoying.
But for someone whose boobs are not already on the internet, or who just doesn't want to send a photo for whatever reason, don't do it. Only ever do things that you're a firm yes to -- and only date boys who respect the difference between your yeses and nos.

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Did you and Mystery date at one point?

Yes, last spring. We were public about our dating, but it only lasted a couple months as we were in very different places in our personal growth. People often asked if pickup was an issue, and it wasn't -- that part was great. It was cool to share such a common language that as soon as we got together, we already felt like we were several steps ahead. I mean literally our conversations went faster because we were using so many acronyms. Unfortunately other factors made it not the right situation for me. No hard feelings. Glad that I went for it and found out.

Hey Arden, what is a good method for fans to ask you for advice? Email, Facebook message, on here, etc.?

Book a coaching session with me. We all gotta make a living, sweetie.

Hi Arden, how are you enjoying Vegas? What are its pros and cons, for you?

I love it here. You have all the best shopping, restaurants, and entertainment all within a 10-block radius, and then you drive ten minutes away and there's nothing but desert and silence. It's a party when I want it to be, and peaceful when I don't. It's cheap to live here, but if you want to get expensive, there's plenty of that too. Most of all, I feel like I can breathe. I can see stars at night. I feel like there's more space opening up in my body, finally.
I'm still planning on moving to LA in a few months because I have more friends there, and because the industries I want to move forward in (screenwriting, music, sexuality education) are all there. Vegas is still kind of suburban as compared to NYC and LA, and I still feel more ambitious than this town allows for right now. But it's a great place to have quiet and get solitary writing done, and I could see myself moving back here in the future if I reach a place where I can work alone without needing to hustle the industry for attention.

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You seem like an extremely multi-dimensional person, with a very diverse set of interests (from your tweets). Is your taste in men equally diverse? Do you find that your tastes match any pattern/stereotype? i.e. Rockers, trainers are more sexual playthings, etc

Thanks. Up until about a year and a half ago you wouldn't have been able to distinguish my exes from one another in a lineup. They were all pale goth rockers with jet black dyed hair and eyeliner in skinny black jeans, and most were musicians or models. Ultimately my friends and mentors all got on my case about my always dating the same guy and expecting emotional intimacy where it was unlikely. Then, I finally seduced the Platonic ideal, the rockstar crush who had set me down that road when I was 17, and it turned out that he was kind of a dick. So that shattered the fantasy.
Since then I've dated a more diverse range of guys, most of whom have been much more normal-looking, for lack of a better descriptor. What's important to me is that someone is creative, passionate, self-aware, fulfilled by the work he does, smart, has his shit together, capable of emotional intimacy, sexually open-minded, and secure enough in himself to date a tall attractive former dominatrix/seduction coach/relationship expert who likes to tie people up. It turns out that guys like that don't really have a specific physical type, which makes it much harder for me to be attracted to someone right off the bat.

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as a girl interested in seduction, the only problem I have is that I don't want to seduce, I want to be seduced, it's just not happening :( also, in your book you mentioned dhv by being charming and interesting but what if one is just naturally not witty/charismatic?

I explain charisma in the chapter on creating desire, and wit in the chapter on creating conspiracy. Things like that can be broken down into formulas, just as humor can.
If you want to be seduced but not actively seduce, then your options are to work on your persona and your social value until someone comes along and seduces you, but in my opinion that's giving up your agency and is disempowering, because you need to wait for someone else to give you what you want.

Have you ever pursued someone and been rebuffed (recently, not long-ago crushes, etc)? What did the experience teach you, if anything?

Absolutely.
I haven't really pursued anyone new in the last few months because of my move(s) -- one to Vegas in December and another to LA as soon as I finish this book draft -- and because my main priorities right now are on my work. If I meet someone really amazing I'm open to it but I'm just not looking for it right now.
I had a crush in the fall though who I pursued and who, after some meager time together, ended up flaking on me, more because of issues going on in his family than anything else. In that situation I felt that he just didn't have enough time to get to know me, and/or the timing wasn't great, and I didn't take it personally. I also had begun my pursuit of him as something casual and, like I say in my book The New Rules Of Attraction, it's important not to mix up a sex-oriented seduction with a relationship-oriented one, so I cut my losses there and didn't expect too much. I wasn't too broken up about it. I got a good song out of it (now available on iTunes from my band Arden and the Wolves' new EP "It Looks Like Trouble") and some halfway decent sex so I felt it was a worthwhile experience.
I had another crush in the fall on a guy who was cute and smart and a great kisser, but after a while of feeling like I was always making all the plans and doing all the initiating, I just kind of cut back. If he wasn't going to put some effort in then I really didn't feel like he was all that worth it. I was moving out of town and he was immersed in his work and it just didn't seem to be all that important of a pursuit, apparently to either of us. I'm not sure if I rebuffed him or he rebuffed me but either way I just kind of let it go.
Mostly what I've learned from my rejections is that the person is doing you a favor by showing that they don't notice your or appreciate you in the way that a lover should. When they take themselves out of your dating pool they're saving you time and energy and possible eventual heartbreak. I've been mildly disappointed over a rejection, or sometimes even slightly confused, but it's been a long time since it's felt personal.
The last rejection I got really broken up about was over a year ago, and I was upset because I really believed this person and I had a good thing going on and was pretty sure he was breaking up with me over a bunch of stuff he was making up in his head that hadn't happened yet and wasn't likely to. That, to me, seemed a real loss. And that person ended up coming back to me, and is now back in my life, for which I am deeply grateful, so I guess I was right about it.

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