I'm a 23 year old lesbian and I came out two years ago. I just went on my first date last week (and my second date last night) and I'm dealing with a lot of fears. I don't know if I like her romantically because I'm so scared. I don't know if I'm ready for any kind of intimacy, even kissing. Help?
Hello lovely! We answered this question on the newest episode (Ep 4) of the New Lesbian podcast, so you can listen to our thoughts here (around minute 16) (or find the show on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, etc): http://newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com/2014/08/02/episode-4-going-down-south
But in case you can't listen right now, here's a summary of our thoughts: It all really depends on what specifically you’re scared of. Is it that you’re not ready for physical intimacy, is it that you’re feeling that if you really start dating then you’re gonna be REALLY out, or is it just dating in general? Or, is it nervousness about not knowing what to do in terms of the physical stuff? Overall, regardless of what exactly your fears are about, if you’re feeling not ready for something, then respect that and give yourself time to figure things out. Fairer to you and whoever you’re dating. But congrats on the first and second dates, and you're being brave for putting yourself out there at all!
Write us back if this answer doesn’t help you at all and let us know more specifically what you’re feeling scared of and we'll try to help! I can talk a lot about how to try to have fun with dating, if that's what you need!
Just discovered your podcast. Thank you.
:D you're so welcome! xx lots more to come!
I am new to dating women and am loving the dating process but I am nervous to move things into sex territory. I have only been with men and have NO IDEA what I am doing. Tips? Please? Thank you!
Hiii thanks for this EXCELLENT question! I answered it (along with my gf Elle) in the most recent episode of the New Lesbian podcast, so check it out here: http://bit.ly/nlepisode2
Good luck, have fun, and let is know how it goes!! xx
whats the best thing about dating women for you? well, both you and Elle?
Hiya! I answered this question (along with my girlfriend Elle) on episode 2 of the New Lesbian podcast, so check it out here: http://bit.ly/nlepisode2
The short answer, though? Boobs.
Thanks for asking a question :)
do you think you will ever be straight again? this isn't meant to be an insulting question, but how do you know your sexual fluidity won't flow the other way again?
I am a late bloomer. I was 37 when I fell head over heels for a girl at work. We are both married to men and we both have smallish kids. But we are so into each other it's crazy!!! Any advice for me?
Edie, you recentya wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. i am going through a roough time right now in my relatioinship and could use some advice.
Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time. I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before. A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication. We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.
The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable. I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.
I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having. But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds. If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you, why you're trying so hard to come together, even if it's not quite working right now, is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.
Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.
I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?
Hello, I just read, "it happened to me", I felt like I was reading the story of my life. Freakishly similar. I just wanted to say, Thank you. I dont feel like my experience is exclusive anymore. Im 33 and by 2014 I will be single and and an out lesbian for the first time in my life.
I replied to your anonymous ask just now, but, find me on twitter (@edie_wyatt
) if you'd like to talk more, it's so helpful to me too to talk to other pp who are going through what I did! xx
I am totally in shock, I just read your article, "it happened to me". I could have written that exact same story. That is me, my life is freakishly similar. I am 33 And over the last few years have been on the self discovery road. By 2014, ill be living for the first time as a single lesbian.THANK U
omg that's AWESOME I'm so happy for you!! I'd love to talk more about your story and how you're making it happen, i can be so hard, but it's so worth it, yeah? find me on twitter, let's talk xx
I have read most of your writing and I really have to say that I am very attracted to your mind and the way you think. If it doesn't work out with your girlfriend we should hang out. I am definitely cuter than her anyway/
LOL well, i'm flattered, but you are not cuter than her :) glad you like my brain though? xx
I read your story on xojane and had a very similar experience (super straight, no "I've always known" feelings) til i fell for a girl when I was just about 22.. Is there a way I could contact you to hear your thoughts on my own story? (and how I feel uncomfortable calling myself gay…)
Hi! I saw your comments over on my blog, when I get a chance later today I'll write you back! short answer though, I think it's fine to not identify as a lesbian- that's actually pretty common (I'll find some links if I can!) and I think it's great that you're in touch with yourself enough to know what "label" feels right for you!
but wuld you have sex wit a guy again?
I can't respond to questions typed like that. It's like, physically impossible for me. But thanks for playing!
I guess I don understand how you can be gay now. sorry
Um....I'm flattered, but, sorry, taken! :)
But how do u kno if u r gay tho? If you had sex wit men and like strapons?
Okay, so I've been trying to think of how to answer this succinctly. And--there's no way to do that, other than--I just know. (ALSO, penetrative sex has NOTHING TO DO with being gay or straight, so there's that). If you REALLY want to understand how I, specifically ME, know that I'm gay, just go read my blog. It is ALL there in overly wrought, dramatic detail. If the thing that's confusing you is that I used to be straight, start here: http://bit.ly/16kEWVQ
<--this post is about "choosing" to be gay
Okay so why do you not like intercourse with men then?
I don't like sex with men b/c I am gay and LOVE sex with women. Not quite sure what the confusion is here? But good that you're asking, there is no stupid question!
No penises? So, no strapons?
hahaha no, I think strap-ons are awesome. just because something is shaped like a penis doesn't make it one!
do you have an instagram
nope, no instagram, partially because I don't really get what the big deal is? but mostly b/c I've got to protect the ID of my alter-ego! :)
ummm what?? if this was supposed to say "dtf" then the answer is no, sorry. and not just because I have a girlfriend-it's mostly because you don't proofread. :-)