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Ben Benson

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By any chance do you get symptoms of derealization or depersonalization? your doc might have asked /explained those to you. Such as, things look 3D to you, you have experiences such that you question your body being your own, or a part of you being attached to you, or the world around u being real.

Thankfully I do not experience derealization or depersonalization, although I know folks who suffer from that disorder.

Do you ever make fun with your issue? I understand it's unfortunate but have you ever joked with your hallucinations knowing it wasn't really. Seems similar to dreaming and your concious controls what's going on?

I try to have a sense of humor about it. When i'm having a problem it doesn't seem funny but after the fact I can look back on it in a somewhat more lighthearted manner.

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(1) I've had clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. But since a traumatic experience about a year ago, a second that intensified the trauma, and then going off meds, I've developed PTSD and have vivid flashbacks, voices, and nightmares, and I'm concerned

answer is on part two

(2) that it's just a matter of time before I develop psychosis or something. I've heard that psychosis often develops from depression and I'm just wondering what you know of it? What's the likely hood of me developing it? It's crazy seeing 2 other seniors developing it, I just feel like I will too.

I don't know the likelihood. I know for me, it didn't develop from the depression. Rather, psychosis and depression are symptoms of my illness. If you aren't seeking help from a professional, I think now would be a good time to start.

How long do your hallucinations tend to last?

It really depends. Anywhere from seconds to hours.

I am studying to become an occupational therapist and I am interested in working in mental health. Is there anything that a therapist has done or said that has been particularly helpful? Particularly harmful? Anything you think professionals should be more aware of?

Helpful: Teach specific coping skills, meditation techniques and methods of regulating emotion. Harmful: Going one by one, kid to kid, in a group therapy session, and individually tearing apart the kids life, analyzing all of their personal flaws and problems, in front of the group. Don't be like that guy. That was really the only harmful therapy experience I had though, all the others have been helpful to some extent. Professionals should be more aware of the backgrounds and specific problems of kids before they engage one on one with them. I don't know if that is really true, but it's my opinion.

How did you know when you had a mental illness?

When I first saw my psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with severe depression.

May I post a link to your blog on my website, erasethestigma.com? I think you could do a lot to help reduce the stigma society places on mental illness. I set up the website after my daughter was hospitalized for bipolar disorder/mania. It's mostly a resource site with links to support/info sites.

Yes, please do!

Your articles are truly inspirational. About a year ago I began getting severe panic attacks and I fear that they are just the "tip of the iceberg" for me--that my mental health issues go much deeper than panic disorder. Is it possible to know when you've hit "rock bottom" so to speak?

Try not to worry about hitting rock bottom. If you have other issues, just accept them as they are and deal with them as best you can. Of course, seek out professional help as well. As far as defining "rock bottom," I tend to subscribe to the definition presented to me at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in the hospital. By their definition, you have hit rock bottom when you are jailed, institutionalized, or dead. Now, hearing this when I was in the hospital, institutionalized, was a wake up call. All in all, don't worry about hitting "rock bottom." If you want to get better, you need to look up, not down.
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How does it feel when your senses and mind (which you should be able to trust) and people you trust are telling you totally different things (the devil is in the bathroom because you saw it vs teacher telling you there are no bathroom devils), that is while the hallucination/delusion is ongoing?

It doesn't feel good, that's for sure. In the heat of the episode I tend to trust my senses over other people, which is an aspect of the psychosis. Later, when I'm lucid, I trust others that what I saw, heard or felt was a symptom of my illness, not reality.

I've experienced what you spoke of about protective family, but my girlfriend's family now actively distrusts me after drinking a liter of alcohol, hyperventilating and writhing on the floor while begging her to kill me. I have no memory of the event. 1 Previous suicide attempt, thanks for lst rspns

I don't know what to tell you. That sounds like psychosis, but honestly it makes sense that they are wary of you now. I hope you are getting help.
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Is the background of this page the asylum from American Horror Story?

Maybe? I don't know. I've never watched the show. I just searched for a creative commons licensed image of a psych ward and thought this one was pretty. If it is from American Horror Story, let me know and i'll change it, because that doesn't really reflect what I'm trying to accomplish with this page.

I've found it interesting that some people are aware or their illness and some are not. When people think "crazy" they usually think of a person whose not aware of their own craziness. You seem to be fully lucid when talking about your mental health issues though; what are your thoughts on that?

As a general rule I do not post online when I'm depressed, anxious or having related issues. I don't post when I'm psychotic because, well, i'm preoccupied and disconnected from reality. Basically, I'm not this aware of my issues when I'm having them. When you read me writing online, it's during lucid periods. So far, I've been lucky enough remain mostly lucid since being discharged from the hospital.
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Do you still have issues of paranoia and suspicion of people shadowing your common actions?

Yes, although with the help of therapy and medication I'm learning to fight it.

Would you like a forum to speak to Youth in our community, publicly? How comfortable would you be in that role?

I would love to. Please contact me privately. If I don't know you in person, a message through Facebook or Twitter will do. Thanks.

Have you checked out NAMI? It is a great organization.

I just found out about it yesterday as I was being discharged from my second hospitalization, and I sent them my first article. They seem like a great organization!

Do you worry about holding a job? It would be tough to flip burgers when you have the urge to pour hot grease down your pants, or to program computers when you're trying to keep the president from launching missiles.

Yes, absolutely. My dream is to work in an embassy for the US State Department, and I'm not sure how my illness affects my ability to perform a job like that. I think I will have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with by then, and I hope I will have found a treatment that keeps me stable, in which case there would be no reason for my illness to be a setback in the search for a job. However, right now my worry isn't so much how my illness will affect job performance but how it will affect my college experience.
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When you have these hallucinations how do you act to other people ? Like what do you do and how do people see you.

I don't know, it's hard to distinguish what's real and what isn't when you're dealing with psychosis. I don't have firsthand experience witnessing an episode, but my family and friends who have seen my in a psychotic state say that it is a very scary experience, as if I had become a completely different person.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and know the stigma related to mental illness well. How should one deal with people who thinking that I'm 'crazy' because of this? Important people in my life distrust me now because I had sort of a publicly known panic attack, and this hurts worst of all. =S

I wish I knew a perfect answer for this, but I don't. What I would do in your situation is educate yourself about your situation, meaning research your symptoms (especially anxiety if you had a panic attack) and your illness. If you are seeing a psychiatrist or therapist, which I hope you are, ask them to explain the science behind what you're going through. Once you understand what's happening in your brain, it's a lot easier to help people understand what's really going on with you. Once people have a clear and accurate understanding of your situation, it's a lot easier for them to support you and be accepting and trusting. That said, I'm not entirely clear on what you mean by distrust. I know that since I was discharged from the hospital, my family has been very protective of me and I have lost a lot of freedoms I once enjoyed. Annoying as this is, I understand that it is for my own safety, because we don't know if I'm stable yet. I suspect that you may be in a similar situation. If that is so, please know, IT GETS BETTER. You will learn to live with your illness, and when you do, you can find a new normal in your life. Good luck on your journey, I hope this helped.

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Were your suicide attempts because of something you hallucinated or were you just really depressed?

I've had both, although I believe the hallucination-based attempt was a hallucination itself, as once my head cleared there were no visible traces of it.
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Loads of admiration for you. I would love to stay in touch and know how you are progressing. I don't do twitter or facebook right now. Please let me know if I can continue to use this page as a way of staying current. I am alcoholic and bi-polar--a fun little combo (not.)

Feel free to use this page and my Medium blog to keep up with how I'm doing.
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I saw that you said you would go to the Safety Advocates office by yourself or with friends. Would you go by yourself at the beginning or end? Is there any way for you to tell when it "comes on" before it gets too bad and get help?

It depends. Sometimes I can feel it coming on and react in advance, but sometimes I can't, and in those situations it takes a little help from my friends to get me to a safe place.

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