Ask @CupieHoodwink:

the column you had in the salient was the only reason I bothered to read it last year

What a way to make a girl's Mardi Gras! Here I was, twiddling my thumbs, thinking about my impending evening of rainbows, glitter and debauchery, when I suddenly wondered how the ol' Cupie account was going. Finally unearthing my ask.fm password from where I had left it all those months ago, I logged in — and lo and behold, things have been getting pretty steamy up in this heezay over the summer months! You lot had been hitting me up with your qualms and queries about all things love and sexetera and here I was, blissfully ignorant to it all.
So to begin with, an apology. I have a vague recollection of promising to continue answering all of your questions despite the fact my time as Salient sex columnist was drawing to a close. Then my final exams and summer happened, and to be quite frank, I was far too busy enjoying my first summer in years without the shadow of academia hanging over my head.
But something was missing... The late night notifications from ask.fm. The sullying of my Google search history. The constant struggle to find new synonyms for having sex. Sugar plums, let me say it straight—I missed you. And so here I am, five months later, with a bunch of questions queued up in my inbox, at your service. I'll be aiming to get through 1-2 questions a week, and while you'll no longer find me in the pages of Salient, you can always follow me on Twitter (twitter.com/cupiehoodwink) to keep abreast of my movements on here. And as always, any troubles big or small, keep 'em cumming!
Xx

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Hey Cupie. I've been on a few outings with a nice young lady, and I don't know what our relationship is. Are we dating? Are we friends? What would you recommend I do? Do I straight up ask her?

Spring is upon us, and with it, the first wee buds of young love have blossomed! Or have they? While the first few weeks of a new relationship can be the most exhilarating ones, they can also be the most confusing. Especially when you’re not even sure what you are yet. You are both dipping your toes in each other’s pools at the moment, and while the desire to know when you’ll be able to dive in can be overwhelming, a part of you isn’t sure if you even want to get wet.
Metaphors aside, I fortunately have some more concrete advice for dealing with your present conundrum. First things first, do you know what you would ideally like from the relationship? Seeing as you’ve contacted Salient’s resident sexpert about the matter, I’m going to put my money on romance, but regardless, having some idea of what you’re looking for (dating, casual, friends with benefits, long-term etc) will come in handy if you do start asking the big questions down the line. That said, I do think that a lot of people place far too much importance on labels – especially in the early stages of the relationship. If you’re both having fun at the moment, what’s the rush? The best relationships, in my experience, develop of their own accord – the fact that it has a label is never the maker or breaker.
Before resorting to ‘straight up asking’, look to the relationship for clues: What kinds of ‘outings’ are you going on – classic date vibes or group hangouts? How often do you talk to her, and what tone does she use with you – all day everyday blowy-kiss-emoji-filled, or more along the lines of how you’d chat with your other friends? Do you know if she’s seeing or interested in other people? Does she even swing your way? If it’s still unclear after all of that, chances are she just might not be sure how she feels about you yet, in which case there’s no harm in just enjoying each other’s company and seeing where things end up.
That said, as a female with a lot of male friends, when I was single and thus without the ‘boyfriend buffer’, I found making the boundaries of my intentions clear to some guys quite a challenge. On the one hand, it feels presumptuous to explicitly state it; on the other, it felt unfair to leave the matter unaddressed if they were bargaining for something more. Instead, I resorted to calling them ‘pal’ or ‘bud’ at every available opportunity until they got the message. In hindsight, it would have been a lot easier if they had just asked if I was keen, rather than me having to sound like I was impersonating a Little League coach from a feel-good ’90s film for weeks on end.
If you do end up asking her outright, be chill about it, and graciously accept her answer. Even if you want something more from the relationship, don’t make it a weird ultimatum-type situation; her friendship is not a consolation prize. If the ‘worst’ outcome is that she just wants to be friends, that sounds like a win–win you’ve got on your hands.
Take it easy, bud!
Cupie xx

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Is there any advice you can give me on how to keep the sexual intimacy alive in a long distant relationship?

With the end of semester breathing down our necks, it’s that time of year when hearts will inevitably be broken as we all leave Wellington for brighter futures… or just to live rent-free with our parents over summer. If you’re thinking of doing long-distance, or long-D, as I fondly call it, you’re gonna have to find new ways to stoke the fire when you’re miles apart.
This is where technology can be both your friend and foe. As the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and J-Law have taught us, sexy pixxx can go very wrong very quick. Sure, there are the Kim Kardashians of this world who manage to turn leaks into a lucrative lifestyle, but they are the exception, not the rule. That being the case, if you’re going to send nudes, nip- or dick-picks, be smart about it. Keep them limited to Snapchat, and have a ‘No Screenshots No Excuses’ rule.
But unless you’re someone who really gets off to static images, nudie snaps aren’t that much fun anyway. If you want to more accurately reenact your intimate moments, phone or Skype sex is going to be your best bet. It can be hard to get used to talking dirty when you’re used to just getting on and doing it, but the premise is the same. Start by describing the same things you would be doing if you were together – little kisses on their neck, rubbing your hands all over their body – rather than jumping straight into the hot and heavy. This way both of you can get more comfortable with dirty talk as you get more turned on.
Light that fire,
Cupie xx

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Hey Cupie, I'm a girl who's very much into kinky stuff (general BDSM, D/s, DD/lg etc). I discovered all this while in a long-term committed relationship, but am now single. For my own reasons, I don't want to look to the kink community to meet someone, so how do I find a compatible partner?

Gurl, I hear ya. Unless you’re all and only about missionary with no buzzy extras on the side, it can be hard to know how to ask for what you want between the sheets. No one wants to feel like a freak in front of their new squeeze, which means that too many of us forego being banged in the way we want to for the sake of seeming ‘normal’.
This is a damned shame. I am very much of the opinion that if we were all a bit more chill about the ways in which we explore each other’s bodies, and a little more open about what does and doesn’t make us feel awesome, everyone would be having way more satisfying sex way more of the time.
Our sexuality and sexual preferences are by no means fixed; they are constantly changing, and are changed by the people we love and the experiences we have. When I was 15, I was so scared of sex that if my boyfriend had wanted to move beyond rubbing my boob through at least two layers of clothing, I’d decided I would suggest he hire a prostitute to satisfy those needs instead. Who would have guessed that just eight years later… What I’m trying to say is, finding a compatible partner is not necessarily a matter of finding someone who is already overtly into kinky stuff. Yes, kink has its own community, but that doesn’t mean that you’re only going to find people who are into kink or at least willing to try it within that group. After all, you discovered what you were into in a relationship, not the kink community, right?
The key, then, is to find yourself a partner who you trust and feel comfortable with. From there, you can begin to explore the things you’re both into, starting small and making sure you’re both having a good time every step of the way. Who knows, you might even discover something new!
Happy exploring,
Cupie xx

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How do you correctly give a handjob?

The humble hand job threw me for many years. How does one ever hope to master a sex move that most men have years of practice doing, and know exactly how they like it done? But expanding your foreplay repertoire in this way allows you to spend even more time getting your partner worked up before you seal the deal. And remember, just because he can – and does – do it for himself, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you to take a load off now and then.
Just like a healthy heart, a great hand job is all about a steady rhythm. To this end, you’ll want to start off a little slower and build up speed over time in order to preserve the muscles in your wrist to last the duration of the hand job, but making sure the rhythm remains steady each time you pick up the pace a little. Make sure the groundwork is done before you begin by getting him hard with some pashing, slowly working your hand towards the D with some gentle tickling or stroking thrown in for good measure.
Once you’re ready to begin squirting the turtle, wrap your hand around the shaft just below the head, and start to work your hand up and down. The key here is your thumb and forefinger, which you’ll want to use to apply more pressure than the rest of your hand. If he’s uncircumcised, use this ring of pressure to keep a firm grip on the foreskin, which must remain between your hand and the peen the whole time. In no circumstances at all should you let your hand touch a bare peen, especially at the head – this is really uncomfortable for uncircumcised dudes and is the fastest way to get yourself fired from your hand job. Even if there’s no foreskin, this ring of pressure is still going to be important – test out varying degrees of pressure as you rub it up and down over the glans (the bumpy bit between the shaft and the head). Twisting your hand around the shaft as you move up and down, while still applying pressure between your thumb and forefinger, is a great way to increase excitement without having to increase speed.
Just like prime real estate, a great hand job is all about location, location, location. Make sure you’re in a comfortable position that allows you free and easy access with your writing hand. You may find that straddling your partner, so that the peen juts out just between your legs is easiest. This is, after all, the angle they wank from, so is likely to give your hand job the most authentic feel.
Finally, pay attention to the details. Just like a winning dish on Masterchef, a great hand job is all about the seasoning. Think about extras you can add that he might normally overlook while jerking off, which will set your wristie apart from a garden-variety wank. When you seem to be nearing the finish line, head for the erogenous zones with your other hand – rub his nipples, cup/stroke his balls, or apply pressure to the base of the penis, and your spunk will be spunkin’ in seconds flat.

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My partner is significantly older than me. How do I introduce them to my friends/family without it being crazy weird?

Thanks to bullshit labels like ‘Cradle Snatcher’, ‘Gold Digger’ and ‘Cougar’, we’re taught to be suspicious of loving relationships between consenting adults who happen to be born more than five or so years apart. Although it’s really shit that that’s the case, it’s important for you to remember that when you first introduce your partner to your loved ones. That is, if they aren’t over the moon about your new union, it’s more likely to be borne of misguided concern than malice. To that end, it may help to talk to your friends and family about your new situation and allay their concerns before you introduce them, ensuring that they’ve got some time to come to terms with it first. When you do introduce them, try to do so in an environment where you all have something in common – perhaps at a gig, movie, or a restaurant or bar you all like – so that the differences between your friends and your partner aren’t the focus.
You got this,
Cupie xx

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By accident I found out that nipple stimulation makes me climax. This is done through very hard pinching, rubbing, biting. Afterwards I really regret it (not the orgasm) as the skin on my nipples cracks, having a shower is HELL and hurt alot. After this the skin peels. Is this a normal reaction?

Good work on discovering exactly what it is that makes you tick! While cracked nipples sound like no fun, don’t worry – this is a perfectly normal reaction, and one that is easily fixed! Nips, just like lips, are sensitive to weather and friction, and will dry out, crack and peel if not given an appropriate amount of TLC. (For a graphic demonstration of this, Google Image search: “marathon men with bleeding nipples”.) Fortunately, as with chapped lips, there’s an easy cure for your chapped nips, too. Applying something like Lucas’ Papaw Ointment (seriously, is there anything that magic goo can’t do?) or Vaseline beforehand will reduce friction, and whacking on some antiseptic cream and/or moisturiser every so often won’t go amiss either. And if all of that doesn’t make a difference, why not have a chat to one of the lovely doctors at Student Health? They’ll ensure you’re back on your way to nippy nirvana in no time at all xx

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i work with a hotty and we've got really close lately and we nearly got together but he has a gf Their relationship is on the rocks and i guess most relationships dont last first year with halls and flatting im just worried if the opportunity presents itself again i wont be able to help myself

If we never fell in love with people we weren’t meant to, half of my favourite romantic comedies simply wouldn’t exist. That being said, just because something makes for a good plotline, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the greatest life choice.

Sweets, I have been where you are now, and trust me: the faster you get out of there, the better. I, too, once got really close with a hottie who had a GF but their relationship was on the rocks. Despite my once-strong convictions against infidelity, I fell hard for the guy, coming up with all sorts of justifications for my feelings and excuses for my fantasies. But as much as I told myself that they were basically over anyway, that she seemed weird, and I would be better for him; that he seemed to be interested and we just got on so well – at the end of the day, until they broke up, I would always be ‘The Other Woman’. Regardless of how well he and I got on or how weird she was, that fact alone would put me very much in the wrong, making me the villain to her victim, the Ange to her Jen. Fortunately for me, my dalliance with deceit ended abruptly, before anything physical happened between us. At the time, I was distraught and heartbroken, but I’ve long since viewed the event as a bullet narrowly missed. Wellington, after all, is a tiny place, which makes the rumour mill even more of a bitch to stop once it starts.

What I’m trying to say is: I get it. I know how hard it is to talk yourself down from where you are now, especially when the end of his relationship seems like such a done deal. But while you’re right to point out that most relationships won’t survive the sexual tension of first-year halls or the stressful realities of student flats, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to start digging the grave for this one. However close they seem to breaking up, why not just wait until they actually do? Pashes are a dessert best enjoyed guilt-free.

And, even after considering all that, you’re still hellbent on hooking up with the hottie, fuck what anyone else thinks – then, I would suggest using Cupie’s ol’ rule of thumb when it comes to situations like this: how would you feel if you were in her position? Pretty shitty, huh?

Hold tight,
Cupie xx

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so i'm sitting here in the hub reading this weeks column and i just want to say a big thank you. A big thank you for reassuring us ladies that it's okay to have fun and do as we please. From now on i will not see myself as a slut (as others say) but as a girl whose just having fun :)

Aw you! Thanks a million for getting in touch, and I'm delighted to hear my column's making a difference - one empowered diva at a time xx

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Is belly and navel play (rubbing, kissing, licking etc) a 'fetish' activity or something most girls like?

Is belly and navel play (rubbing, kissing, licking etc) a ‘fetish’ activity or something most girls like?
Rubbing, kissing and licking all over the body – belly or otherwise – can be a great way to heighten the sensuality and excitement of a make-out session, and diffuse the focus of foreplay from simply rubbing her clit until she’s wet enough for the two of you to get down to business. However, thanks to being bombarded with messages about feminine ideals and flat stomachs, a lot of us feel incredibly sensitive about this part of our bodies, and would rather you just pretend that it simply doesn’t exist. That said, if the two of you can work through this hang-up – perhaps by starting off with some sweet little kisses rather than a full-on belly jiggle – then it can be a great way for her to see herself as the #1 hottie she really is.

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Is sex even that great?

The thing with sex is, like many things in life, it is what you make it. Pardon my cliché, but really, what other explanation is there for the fact that one relatively simple, biological act can be, on the one hand, so mind-blowing you’re still getting shivers thinking about it the next day, and on the other, rhythm-less, pleasure-less, and when you ask them to stop halfway through they promptly fall asleep inside you? The key, I’ve found, has nothing to do with size, beauty, or how long you’ve had a crush on them for, but rather trust, communication, and knowing that you are sexy as hell and deserve to be loved. And if all else fails? Lube up and keep reading The Bone Zone.

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So there's this pretty smoking guy I met last week who I'd like to date or at least bang. Only problem is we don't actually know each other all that well (he's a friend of a friend) and I don't want to scare him off by being too forward. Oh wise Cupie, how do I proceed?

Judging by the traffic on my ask.fm during the study break, it looks like everyone’s found their new favourite way to procrastinate. As always, I’m delighted by your correspondence and always down for all queries, big and small, on the topics of love and sexetera. That being said, I have received a number of questions over the year about specific crushes (“this girl”, “pretty smoking boy”, “my mate”), and I have to advise you that when it comes to knowing whether they wanna pash you or not, I’m about as much help as a Magic 8 Ball. Last semester, I discussed at length both crushes and friend crushes, which you can check out at salient.org.nz/category/columns/the-bone-zone, but as much I wanna help you all find love and get laid, there’s only so much this sex columnist can do. At the end of the day, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and ask them out xoxo

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Where's the best place at Kelburn campus for a quickie

If you’re a long-time follower of The Bone Zone, you may recall that earlier this year, I advised against banging on campus unless you wanted an indecent-exposure charge on your record or frostbite on your fanny. But now that we find ourselves in the very first week of semester two, with a re-orientation that pales in comparison to Otago’s, what better way to see in the new semester than by really putting the ‘O’ in Re-O Week?
So, just in time for your first week back, here’s Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Campus Coitus!
Kelburn: Thanks to recent cuts to tertiary funding, there are now fewer tutorials and courses at Victoria than there were five or so years ago, which means more empty tutorial rooms to bang in! Murphy, Von Zedlitz and Old Kirk are your best bets – untainted by the brush of modernisation, the tute rooms there remain small, windowless, and many.
If you’re looking for a truly scholarly schmang, however, you can’t look past the Library. Nothing screams academic amour like climaxing with one hand on your lover’s Leviathan and the other on Hobbes’. In the past, the upper floors of the Library were renowned for their fucking facilities, but since the overhaul, there are fewer floors, fewer dark spaces, and the place is crawling with builders. Thankfully, Level 0 remains just as dark and deserted as it ever was, and you can even move the stacks around to adjust the dimensions of your pleasure palace. Sure, it’s kind of creepy, and the dulcet tones of construction workers regularly waft through the space, but the library staff don’t store the ‘BJ’ collection down there for nothing now, do they?
For Te Aro, Pipitea and Karori guides, check out: http://salient.org.nz/columns/the-bone-zone-8

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Are you open to totally cliche date invitations?

I realise the irony of my response is that this is also a cliché: but sometimes clichés are clichés for a reason - they work.
If you're gonna ask someone out on a date, I think the least of your worries is whether it's a cliché.
If you're trying to ask me out on a date, unfortunately Cupie's already got a Hoodwink of her own xx

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I want to try out tindr but at the same time I'm afraid someone I know will find me. What should I do?

Oh honey, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about! Of all the things it’s done to the dating world, one really positive thing Tinder has achieved is destroying the notion that online dating is only for sad old people and weirdos. Put it down to its ease of use, its fun and friendly interface, or just how goddamn quick it is to set up an account, Tinder has made the whole process so chill it’s more drinking game than dating app. Half the fun is finding people you know and then using Tinder to chat them instead of wasting your txt allocation for the month. If you’re really that worried, you can always just say your mates made the profile for you when you were drunk. So go on, get swiping!

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How do I make a friend understand that I very much want a "yes homo" relationship.

Ahh, ye olde friend crush – or as the kids are calling it: the FILF. Haven’t we all been there at some stage or other? The lingering gazes they never pick up on… The replacement of “bud” and “mate” with “babe” and “my love”… The mutual friends assuring you it’s a terrible idea and will ruin “the vibe of the group, y’know?”… Falling for one of your friends ain’t easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth writing off altogether. If you pull it off, it can be fantastic, and if it doesn’t work out, then at least you still get to see this person on the regular under the auspices of SS Friendship.
First things first, are you sure your friend would be down for a “yes homo” relationship? Sadly, however we might wish, sometimes these things just don’t swing our way (see, Exhibit A: lengthy list of beautiful gay men I would marry if only they’d have me; Exhibit B: my longstanding conviction that the one and only negative of the gay-liberation movement is that being a Beard is no longer a legitimate lifestyle choice).
Secondly, are you sure you are down for this relationship? Given that you probably want to maintain your friendship with this person even if they aren’t picking up what you are putting down, then it’s best to be sure before dropping anchor. While it may seem screamingly obvious to you right now, when you spend every waking minute thinking about them, beware the risks of confusing genuine interest with a flight of fancy. I, for one, have been known to fall deeply ‘in love’ with a friend for the resemblance they bore to a character in my favourite sitcom du jour. Fortunately, the series ended – and so too did my manic infatuation – before I had confessed my undying love.
Assuming the answer to both of those questions is yes, however, let’s move on.
As simple as it may seem, the fastest, easiest and most genuine way to make them understand is to just tell them. Sure, it might be awkward, but it’s exponentially better than biting your tongue and swallowing your sexual frustration for however long it takes them to pick up on the meaning of your increased use of kiss-blowing emojis, right? And, even if they don’t feel the same way, at the very least they’ll appreciate your honesty. There are very few times when people enjoy being confronted with absolute honesty, but being told that someone likes you enough to want to lick the inside of your face ain’t so bad at all.
And remember, things are – generally – only as awkward as you make them. Whatever happens, you are perfectly capable of sailing this puppy back to friendly waters.
Ahoy!
Cupie xx

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