Spring is upon us, and with it, the first wee buds of young love have blossomed! Or have they? While the first few weeks of a new relationship can be the most exhilarating ones, they can also be the most confusing. Especially when you’re not even sure what you are yet. You are both dipping your toes in each other’s pools at the moment, and while the desire to know when you’ll be able to dive in can be overwhelming, a part of you isn’t sure if you even want to get wet.
Metaphors aside, I fortunately have some more concrete advice for dealing with your present conundrum. First things first, do you know what you would ideally like from the relationship? Seeing as you’ve contacted Salient’s resident sexpert about the matter, I’m going to put my money on romance, but regardless, having some idea of what you’re looking for (dating, casual, friends with benefits, long-term etc) will come in handy if you do start asking the big questions down the line. That said, I do think that a lot of people place far too much importance on labels – especially in the early stages of the relationship. If you’re both having fun at the moment, what’s the rush? The best relationships, in my experience, develop of their own accord – the fact that it has a label is never the maker or breaker.
Before resorting to ‘straight up asking’, look to the relationship for clues: What kinds of ‘outings’ are you going on – classic date vibes or group hangouts? How often do you talk to her, and what tone does she use with you – all day everyday blowy-kiss-emoji-filled, or more along the lines of how you’d chat with your other friends? Do you know if she’s seeing or interested in other people? Does she even swing your way? If it’s still unclear after all of that, chances are she just might not be sure how she feels about you yet, in which case there’s no harm in just enjoying each other’s company and seeing where things end up.
That said, as a female with a lot of male friends, when I was single and thus without the ‘boyfriend buffer’, I found making the boundaries of my intentions clear to some guys quite a challenge. On the one hand, it feels presumptuous to explicitly state it; on the other, it felt unfair to leave the matter unaddressed if they were bargaining for something more. Instead, I resorted to calling them ‘pal’ or ‘bud’ at every available opportunity until they got the message. In hindsight, it would have been a lot easier if they had just asked if I was keen, rather than me having to sound like I was impersonating a Little League coach from a feel-good ’90s film for weeks on end.
If you do end up asking her outright, be chill about it, and graciously accept her answer. Even if you want something more from the relationship, don’t make it a weird ultimatum-type situation; her friendship is not a consolation prize. If the ‘worst’ outcome is that she just wants to be friends, that sounds like a win–win you’ve got on your hands.
Take it easy, bud!
Cupie xx
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