Ask @EndorphinMorphinCakes:

Do you like to spend your free time alone or in company?

I'm alone right now and don't like it. I'm having a sudden outburst of extreme sadness and crying as I listen to songs like "Lost in You" by Three Days Grace, and "Good Grief" by Bastille. I'm suddenly hit with all these thoughts and memories of Jed again and I really really really miss him. I don't know why, how I could, when its been so long. Its almost been 2 years since the day I met the guy, like here in a few months it will mark 2 years. It's been well over a year since he's been gone, but I just miss him so badly and wish I could see him again and hug him. But I can't. I can't even message him or anything to see how he's doing like I always worry about and wonder- because that would be veryyyy creepy at this point, and he wouldn't answer me anyway.😭💔

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What's on your mind?

I don't know what I feel about J anymore exactly. But I know I really do miss him. Things didn't go the way I wanted. He didn't feel the way I wanted him too, or do things how I wanted him to, treat me exactly how I wanted him to, or talk to me to get to really know each other like I wanted him to. Yet I miss him somehow. Regardless, I'm so glad he's still alive and fine, that he did not end up dying, and only wish him the best despite how much he hurt me and isn't a part of my life.

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What's on your mind?(cont)

And I've been having nightmares about him too lately. Nightmares where I'd try to hug him and then he'd just hit me, and I'd fall to the ground and get up and still try to hug him, but then he's hit me again. And nightmares of him saying terrible things to make fun of my body imperfections, and touching me inappropriately, and leaving me out in the cold and rain to wait for him only to eventually catch on he abandoned me. I don't honestly think he's as bad as the nightmares of him are in real life, but the sentiment is there.

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What's on your mind?(cont)

And I wish I can take back what I said to him about thanking him for giving me hope and showing me I can feel things again. I wish I can take back basically telling him I think he saved me life. Because he didn't give me real hope and optimsim in romance afterall. He ruined me even more. I fucking trusted him too. I trusted in him thinking he was a good person, a sweet soul with good intentions, who cared about others- and cared about me. But he definitely never cared about me. And he was so fine with just hurting me more than I have already been hurt in life. I fucking trusted him enough to tell him my dark secrets of mental illness and why I have that illness. But he didn't care and didn't care that he made things even worse. I feel so betrayed, even though he never even really tried to act like he was there for me, so it couldn't even be actually considered betrayal. I was just too blind and wanted to believe in someone when he didn't deserve that or prove to me that he wasn't like everyone else.

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What's on your mind?

I'm back in angry, distressed thoughts again. About J. I kinda wish I could see him again just so I could yell at him about how much he hurt me and all that. Also to see the look on his face if he saw me now. He'd probably piss his pants, seeing what I look like and can do physically now. Might even regret the way he treated me and made me feel, and try to get with me. But I'd just laugh and say no. Couldn't accept me when I was at (almost) my worst. He, and people like him, don't deserve me at my best. Or even at my worst, he didn't deserve me.

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Idea of the day?(continued)

And hell, I don't even have anyone on here anymore that I can pretend care about me, or imagine identities for. No one I can pretend cares about my jokes, or life, who I am, how I'm doing, or anything. I'm just rambling here because I need to rant and this is not a rant okay for Twitter, even though no one really looks at that either. I feel so dead, and right now, kinda wish I were.

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Idea of the day?

Depression is really hitting me hard today. Kinda has been a lot lately. It's gotten so bad though that it's hard to listen to a lot of favorite songs I have- even ones that don't remind me of anything specific. I've just been losing interest in stuff for the time being and don't enjoy it as much as I usually would. I'm so lonely too. No one to even talk to about what I've been going through. Or to even spend much time with to have fun and get my mind off things. My life is also just going nowhere right now and I don't even know how to get it somewhere, or have to motivation to take specific actions. I'm so lost and in pain. I thought maybe I was getting better, but I don't think I really am. It's getting bad again.

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What's on your mind?(continued)

I really wish he'd fall in love with me in real life. But, I know how that goes. Sometimes I think he really does like me, but I've been wrong about that before. And if he did like me, I'm pretty sure he would have asked me out by now or something. Or maybe he does kinda like me, and I'm right that there's a little bit of interest- but just not enough for him to ask me out. It hurts. It's very rare that I feel much about anyone in that type of way, and when I have ever felt that way, the feelings aren't reciprocated, or worse, my heart gets ripped out. He hasn't done anything to rip my heart out so far, but my heart aches so painfully longing for him.

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What's on your mind?

I had a dream last night. Me and Coly were with each other in the gym parking lot late at night. He found me while I was alone, leaning against my car, very distraught, because I couldn't get it to start and was stuck. And I guess in the dream calling my mama up wasn't an option. He was surprised to see me out there and asked if I was okay and all that. I said no. Then it gradually led to us just talking about little things and having a good time. I eventually asked him to dance with me, and we did. With no music playing or anything, we just slow dance around, kissed, twirled around a bit, kissed some more. We did that for awhile until I grew extremely sleepy. So sleepy that I had trouble standing up and talking well. I asked him if he could help me into the back of my car so I could sleep. He picked me up and laid me down in there, then just gazed at me a bit, unsure of what to do next I guess. And he commented on how it was weird and kinda sad seeing me so tired. And I said really sleepily "Can you please stay here at least a bit? Alone is scary." And he replied "Of course I can." Then he sat down in there and let me rest my head on him. He held my hand too, which was nice. I was so happy and content, yet so sad and scared and began crying. He asked what was wrong, and I said "I'm scared to wake up without you here. But I know you have to go. And I dunno if I'll ever see you again. I'm so scared. I'm so sorry." He told me "I don't have to go. And I don't want to. So relax. It'll be okay." But I still couldn't relax, and replied "I can't help but think you will leave me. If not now, eventually. I don't see why'd you'd stay." He said "I know why I will. I don't see how anyone couldn't. Please, believe me. We'll be okay."
It was a weird dream. One I keep thinking about.😔

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Idea of the day?

A conclusion to a storyline of songs I shared on here. I don't think anyone pays attention on here anymore or will see this, or hear it, but I feel like it's appropriate to share it here were I shared everything else. I just wrote this and tried singing this within the last half hour or so.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KaOb7MrT5X1qBO4cExiiOhvDOamV_Nbe/view?usp=drivesdk
I used to think I loved you
Maybe some part
there was some truth
Yet I know what I saw in your blue eyes
Was a lie
You weren't so kind
You weren't so caring
You weren't so strong
I was so blind
Tried my best to be kind
I was so caring
Tried my best to be strong
Yet still I had it all wrong
I used to think you felt so warm
because I was freezing
even in the summer heat
lukewarm had felt so amazing
Because I never felt that before
I wasn't warned
You were less than I wished for
Or that I'm deserving of more
You weren't so kind
You weren't so caring
You weren't so strong
I was so blind
Tried my best to be kind
I was so caring
Tried my best to be strong
Yet still I had it all wrong
The pain in me
The rage in me
The pride in me
The ways I weep
Bring out my worst side
Never thought I'd really hope
-that you'll reap what you sowed
Be treated the ways
that to me, you showed
You weren't so kind
You weren't so caring
You weren't so strong
I was so blind
Tried my best to be kind
I was so caring
Tried my best to be strong
Yet still I had it all wrong
I hope you fucking grow up
Mister Empty Song
it wasn't me you shoulda been calling a kid
The only kiddish shit I did
Was just not knowing to quit
Oh I dare you to grow a pair
Oh yeah, I went there
Mister
Mister
Mister Empty Song
I barely remember you
You, your voice, your face
Or why you made me feel so many ways
But I look back to see
You wouldn've been fucking lucky
To be loved by
And love
Me

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If you could have any question answered, what would it be?(continued)

And there is someone specific I wish to be with. Yet I don't see he wants to be with me. That's how it goes for me. And I don't just want to be with him because of my pain, or the fact someone else I felt a lot for ripped my heart out so terribly before me feeling so much for him. It's not all about me wanting someone to heal. I want to be with him because I feel so much for him. He's always been special in my eyes, even if I don't know all the exact reasons why. I just always sensed him as someone special, yet so out of reach to dare try to pull in.

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If you could have any question answered, what would it be?

Hey universe, can you give me my fucking future husband already? My hands are shaking and doing weirder shit than usual lately when I go into the land I access only through my mind. I don't like this universe. We made a deal. Several deals, but give me the steal in this deal already universe, stop messing me up, I know my whoever is out there somewhere being whoever he is probably aching in his heart and loins for me even if he doesn't know who I am either or anything. Like he feels my energy and wants it bad, and to him I'm like, same. So give me the right dude for me ASAP universe. Okay? Like I don't care how, make him fall from the sky onto my porch for all I care and make some magical tale/journey of love happen already like a friggin prophecy or some shit. Come on, I need this.

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Have you ever been on a silly diet?

I used to count calories obsessively, and my calorie intake I liked to keep it at was very low, and I'd have panic attacks if I went over even by just 5 calories. It was insane. Thankfully I got myself out of that, but to say I still haven't dealt with panics worrying if I eat too much since not counting calories, that would be a lie. I really only began stopping calorie counting in college, but even so I remember getting out my calculator a few times, which lead to panics sometimes. And when I gained weight and lots of bloating from Mono, I sometimes tried counting calories, and panicked a lot, and had the pressure of my mom telling me that I HAD to eat (which was her caring, not being mean) but it was so hard for me to deal with that. I still get told I barely eat and could use more food and sustenance to my meals, and that's been that way for a long time- yet I really do I think I eat enough now, and it always has confused me how I am told I don't eat much, especially when sometimes I think I eat too much when I'm told that. And I always ask my mom the annoying question of "Am I getting fat? Does anything look fatter?" That's been going on for years. Not quite as much anymore, but I still do. I'm just told my butt keeps getting bigger and is massive- which I'm fine with.

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What does the life you want to live look like?

Right now, what I want most is to be loved and love. I want someone to spend time with, and be close to mentally, emotionally, and physically. Someone that is so beautiful inside and outside that he just makes everything so much better and more beautiful in my life. And I'd hope to make him feel the same things about me. I really need cuddles and kisses soon or I'll die.

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What did you dream about last night?

Last night I dreamt I saw J again. We were at the gym, and it was completely empty except for us. I was oddly calm, and asked "What are you doing here?" He replied "I came to see you." Then I asked "Why? Why now? You could have shown your face a long time ago, back when I thought I needed you. And now I probably don't even look like the girl you remember." He said "You still look like you." I bitterly replied "But you didn't care enough about me back then. Don't decide to care now." He tried to reach for my hand, but I flinched away and said "You refused me before. And now you are okay with touching me? Whatever you want, or are trying to do...Please, just stop." And I ran off and went into one of the showers, turned on the water, and just let the water pour down on me as I screamed and cried. When I looked down at my feet, I saw so much blood flowing down to them and puddling around me. That's where the dream, well, nightmare I guess, ended.

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What is at the same time funny and sad?(continued)

And like, I make a lot of kinda sexual humor for those reasons I guess. Even so, I don't ever get too vulgar or anything generally, and keep it in the realm of being oddly worded or with innuendos and stuff. I have developed a habit of making a lot of comments and jokes about physical appearance about guys I like. Not to their face, cuz hell, I never get the chance, and two, I want to be respectful anyway unless we get close and they are okay with the humor. Anyhoo, a lot of that stems from the fact I am not always comfortable with expressing my emotions for them that isn't physical appearance, because it is more personal and deep, and I feel like my romantic emotions are more unacceptable than the ones that are based on attraction and sexual desire. Even though with me, I personally just don't feel overwhelming sexual desire and attraction for guys if I don't feel attraction on a romantic and emotional level- and that honestly makes me feel insecure, because I know not everyone is like that, and I don't want to be thought of as a loser or something, or to feel vulnerable. And yes, of course I still think there's guys who are attractive dudes and I will blab on about good looking celebrities and admire then so much, but for me I don't really feel the sexual attraction if I do not feel an emotional attraction. So yeah, I like joking around if I really like a guy and think he's so beautiful inside and out- but sometimes I just feel like talking and joking about their appearance and my attraction in that way. But even then, I sometimes worry if that's disrespectful. Like if they knew the jokes I make. Because I dunno, I just still don't want to seem like the objectifying type, when I'm not like that at all. So it's a weird thing to juggle.

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What is at the same time funny and sad?

Some jokes I make I guess. Like surface level, I make hilarious jokes that seem weird and out there- but with some of those jokes, there's underlying pain behind them, or they are inspired by pain I've felt before and turned into ways to make jokes as a way to sway away or hide from those things, and to cope. Most people, maybe everyone I dunno, doesn't see that though so they don't feel sad about my jokes at least and hopefully can just laugh.

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What's your favorite holiday?

Not Valentines Day.😢 I'm prolly not gonna have a boo thang for Valentines Day even. Unless my crush likes me back, asks me out, and we get together some time before then, but that's wishful thinking. It's not even about the holiday though. More so time passed that I'm alone without a nice boo thang.😔

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What's on your mind? (continued)

I don't feel the intense ways of that one song anymore. The other I guess is overall just how I've been a long time and still am. But it's like, damn. The pain. And to be honest, I still deal with the disturbing feeling of just wanting a guy I like to at least appreciate and get use out of my body...Like if that's the only thing I could give him and he'd want, I'd let him take me. And I feel like I need to give him some part of me, and me at least feel him in any way I can, even if he would never want to really be with me and love me, and would just abandon me. I want to do anything for him, and give him anything- but I always feel like anyone could ever want from me- if anything, is my body.

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What's on your mind? (continued)

I used to dream
Of you and me
So happily married
destined to be
So sappy, too happy to care
if it was creepy
But now just like in the real world
You're gone in my sleep too
Hurts like hell, all these months I've missed you
Hey lover
Lovely in my head
Fuck me hard until we can't breathe
hold me in our sleep
Match my dreams
Keep close
Don't you ever leave me
If so, if so- you want to go
I hope you kill me first
Rather be dead than alone
Hurts less to not breathe
than to breathe without your breath
Show some respect
If you leave me with nothing
Show mercy, and turn me into nothing
Getting hard to listen to my favorite songs
Sweet words feel worse than the bitter
You know I'm a go getter
But it's hard to go get a quitter
If I was right
And you're the love of my life
Where are you "Mister"?
Are you alone tonight
Or having fun with some dumb bitch
Who definitely couldn’t compare to me worth shit
Honestly honey as much as I hate myself for some things
I know I'm the best something
you could ever get
So hope you're smart enough to come
back to me
Hope you are lucky enough
To love me
Hey lover
Lovely in my head
Fuck me hard until we can't breathe
hold me in our sleep
Match my dreams
Keep close
Don't you ever leave me
If so, if so- you want to go
I hope you kill me first
Rather be dead than alone
Hurts less to not breathe
than to breathe without your breath
Show some respect
If you leave me with nothing
Show mercy, and turn me into nothing
Stolen photographs
The memory of your eyes
Are all I have
I'm holding my own cold hand
The one I removed the rings from
No need to symbolize that
I made believe my own plans
Painful beat of my own drum
pounded so hard can't tell if it still hurts
or is now numb
I am at a loss for what to do
When I fantasized my whole future
revolving around us
When "Us" never even was
Now I'm paralyzed,
Crying "What the hell love?"
Hey lover
Lovely in my head
Fuck me hard until we can't breathe
hold me in our sleep
Match my dreams
Keep close
Don't you ever leave me
If so, if so- you want to go
I hope you kill me first
Rather be dead than alone
Hurts less to not breathe
than to breathe without your breath
Show some respect
If you leave me with nothing
Show mercy, and turn me into nothing
Or am I already nothing?

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What's on your mind?

Some songs I wrote awhile ago.
---
Voices echoing in my head ask
"Whats that
How did you get that bruise
Why did you cut your lovely hair
Why don't you seem to care?
You don't seem happy as you used to
Where's the light in your eyes...
Why do you sometimes act so shy?
You look tired
Were you up all night?
Chloë, are you alright?"
Sorry, but I promise
there's still a fire somewhere inside....
Hoping dreams and constellations
Lead me to the love of my life
I promise I didn't mean it
Promise I wish I would be different
Cuz I hate how I've been too
I feel so strange
Pictures flashing in my brain
Afraid and haunted
treated like i was never wanted
am I really here
this time and place?
I try to vacate expression from my face
my eyes just always give me away
Sorry, but I promise
there's still a fire somewhere inside....
Hoping dreams and constellations
Lead me to the love of my life
I don't seem happy as I used to
Where's the light in my eyes...
Why do I sometimes act so shy?
I look tired
Cuz I was up all night
Am I really alright?
I gave myself a bruise
And I was so scared
But Now I care about my hair
Sorry, but I promise
there's still a fire somewhere inside....
Hoping dreams and constellations
Lead me to the love of my life

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What is your goal in life?

TO GET SUPER DUPER SEXY SLIM IN THE TUMMY! And I can be now, that I got coolsculpting done! It worked this time! WOO! I'll probably be swollen for a few days, but I'll start seeing the results soon! WOO! And wow, it's snowing now. I just got freezed! Now more cold! But at least I'm warm in my car. Hopefully roads aren't gonna be bad! It's like, almost a 2 hour drive, cuz ya girl had to get it done at the best place, not the closest place. I'm not sure how much it will snow along the way. I'll be fine though! WOO! And I watched Thor Ragnarok and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 during treatment, and had salad and fruit. All is good.

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