haleema

Meri university mai ek larki hai. Meri dost ki dost hai. Actually I think apne doston ki bhi door ki dost hai kyunke uske college ki friends sari yahan akar different groups mai chali gayin aur wo unki he dost hai par unke groups ki nahi.

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Khair that’s not relevant.
Achi khatoon hai saadi si.
Jab no way home release hui thi usdin humari lab cancel hogayi thi. Meri friend ne pehle din ke dusre show ki tickets kara lin. Tab wo bhi university ruki hui thi lab ke liye, aur meri dost usko ditch nahi karana chahti thi. But no way home was, you know, equally important.

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Mai ne bhi wese ghar ki ticket karayi hui thi kyunke Friday tha lekin train miss kardi thi movie ke liye. Priorities. Khair that’s also not relevant.

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Wapis us larki pe chalte hain.
Meri friend usko zabardasti leke ja rahi thi. Wo excited bhi thi movie ke liye larki lekin suppress kar rahi thi excitement.

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Hum orange line pe nahi gaye because we wanted to reach as early as possible and not miss the start. So hum riksha karake speedo speed emporium ja rahay thay.

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Puray raastay us larki ko panic attack aya hua tha kyunke usne ghar se permission nahi li thi. Movie bhi enjoy nahi ki kyunke ghar se permission nahi li thi.
Off time se pehle university pohnch gayi thi lekin tension, pareshani, phelayi hui thi constantly. Mai internally bohat awazar ho rahi thi iss behaviour par.

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Khair, fast forward a few months.
Ajkal uski storiyaan arahi hain. Canada mai university ke sath summer internship kar rahi hai. Akeli gayi hui hai aur akeli reh rahi hai dusre mulk.

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Life is so unexpected.

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[2/2] (cont.)

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for example the guy in my class who actually does not study and still gets highest in all courses and everyone thinks he’s untouchable smart god, but he’s actually just someone who was into coding since 8th grade, when most of us didn’t know what that even is.
Smartness is always about these other things.
It’s a result of effort and consistency and focus and attention and a lot about privilege.
It’s also about confidence. Especially in non-technical subjects. Anyone who knows how to link two things and present a conclusion can bullshit their way through any non technical exam and you would think, wow they are so smart.
There’s never something wrong with you but some thing wrong with what you are doing, always. So next time you’re feeling like shit looking at smart people around you, think about what they are able to do and put in, and how your situation and condition stops you from doing so. Otherwise you would also be where they are.
-Note to me lmao, feeling like shit over this sucks

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[1/2]
You know what, let me tell you something about “smart”.
When I was in O Level everyone thought I was very smart. My teacher thought I am going to get a distinction in mathematics. Even my Islamiat teacher thought I’ll get a distinction in Islamiat.

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There was a question in our math book that my teacher couldn’t solve on board. He tried two times, got the wrong answer. Everyone in the class was equally lost either. He asked us to just leave it or see if we can find a problem in the question later.

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Next day I came to the class with the solved question and the correct answer. Everyone lost their shit. My teacher made me put that whole solution on a chart paper and displayed it at a soft board.
Everyone thought I was really smart. Some sort of a math whizz. Even I thought that.
It had happened before in 7th class, when my teacher asked us a trick question in class and I was the only one with the correct answer, and he said, wow, she’s smart. Very good at math.
It happened in A Level too once, when our teacher gave us a practice worksheet with a “golden section” that had the most unsolvable questions and I solved them, regardless.
It happened in my first semester when i got like 25 marks out of 30 in my python exam which was the batch highest, the second closest score being 17.

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Now you must also be thinking, what is the point here, is she trying to show off how smart she has been?
See, you also missed the point.
Smartness is a scam, an illusion.
I know because I have been there. In all of these things, it wasn’t my “natural genius” that helped me out. Something my classmates thought I had and must have felt bad for not having themselves.
It doesn’t exist.
I was able to solve that question in O Level because I was the only one who went home and couldn’t stop thinking about it and spent hours on it. No one else gave it a second thought. Not even my teacher. I’m sure if they did, they could have solved it. Even better than me, who knows.

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In 7th grade, I was the only one who actually took a second to mentally solve what I saw on board and compare before I spoke out my answer, unlike everyone else who was just making wild guesses.

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In A Level, everyone skipped over the golden section but I kept trying to solve it and didn’t move on till I could. They solved the entire worksheet of other questions when I was just done with the golden section.

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In my Python course, I had a personal liking of the teacher an I listened to the lectures very carefully. Unlike some of my classmates, I already had a laptop before starting university and had no problem installing and practicing on new applications like IDEs.

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And this is what it’s actually about. Who puts in the time. Who puts in the effort. Who has the ability to sit down and focus. Who has the privilege thats needed to perform all of these tasks.
It’s never about “smartness.”
Even for people who seemingly do not study at all and still get ahead, (cont.)

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