@KeepYourEyesPeeled#88 🇫🇷


Swimmers, do you swim because it's fun or because you want to be good at it ?

When I was 13 my mom told me I was not good enough to be a baseball player (did that growing up, but then hit a growth spurt) and that I needed an athletic scholarship to go to college... she suggested swimming. Once I got 'good' at around my junior year in HS, I loved competing. Nothing made me happier than winning races and proving I was the best at the meet. Practice was the same way, I always figured ''well I'm here for 2 hours and wet already, so fuck it let's work our ass off and be the best''... I never liked people beating me, practice or meets. I absolutely love the rhythmic meditative breathing dictated by my movement, the sounds of water rushing by my ears, and the smell of chlorine. I think of nothing but counting laps and what to do next. I was never "good", if good means fast, but I still swim regularly as I approach 30. I finally paid the dues for the master's team, so I can think even less by having a coach tell me what to do. It would also make me better, but that's not really why I'm joining.
I'm in my 50's. I swim because I like my coach and the people I work out with, and I see real opportunities to get better. I don't expect to ever be "good" at swimming, where "good" means winning races. But I can still go to a meet, swim in my heat against people with comparable seed times, and have fun trying to better my times. I'm not particularly stressed out at meets, as I have nothing to prove, so I enjoy meeting and talking to people while I'm waiting for my events. This is all fun.
I swam because i was good at it. I enjoyed pushing myself, making myself better. Getting out of the pool barely able to walk after practice was the best feeling ever. Once i got hurt, couldnt preform for a long time and had surgery with a quite lengthy recovery; i lost my passion for it, i couldn't practice hard or race. Im sure with time i could have. But i couldnt start from the middle to get back up to the top after all that time, when i swim i just want to push myself and just cant. I still regret it to this day, my dreams and future changed so much. But i can live with it.
I love being in the water, I love the smell of pools (brings me back to my childhood), I love the tired feelings in my shoulders after a swim. I did used to find it boring, but after 20 mins I would find myself in a really nice calm zoned out place. Now I have a waterfi, so I listen to some incredible podcasts these days.
I enjoy spending time in the water and underwater. It is the best place to let all my excess energy thrive. Swim meets have always been a blast to me. I like the competition of swim meets. Practices are one of the few places I can be "me." Most of the kids I met in college do it for these reasons: mom and dad, to be the best, and because i have always done it. I have been asked, when are you going to stop swimming competitively? My answer: when I don't like it anymore.
I admit I swim purely to get better. There's no joy or fun for me except the moment I lift
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Latest answers from KeepYourEyesPeeled

Ever been in relationship with a needy guy?

I dislike codependent people. I'm a very independent gal and I like a good bit of alone time. When I moved my partner in with me this past summer, I had to find a house that let me have an office explicitly for this. When I was dating, if someone started getting needy, I dropped them like they were a hot iron... even ghosting people because I couldn't deal with the NEEDINESS. I don't want to complete anybody. I'm a whole person. I'm not looking for another half, a better half, or anyone that's HALF of anything. I want a whole person and I want to know that if we fall apart they're not going to be fractured. Hurt, sure, but as a whole person I know I would be fine alone again, and I sought that in a companion. Having come from a codependent marriage, I was a breath of fresh air for my partner, who was used to their ex relying on them for all the things. I have my own life outside of my partner. I have friends that are not his friends. We both go out and do things without the other. We both have solitary hobbies we enjoy. It's good stuff. It's way too much pressure to be responsible for someone's happiness like that. It's not healthy and it shows a lack of boundaries when someone puts their entire focus on the person they're dating. I want a partner that has his own life, goals, dreams. I want to enhance his life by being in it, not be his whole life.
Yes. I hated it every time it happened and broke up with them accordingly. It's not healthy to put your partner on a pedestal, or to be their "purpose." I like my partners to be an equal, have healthy boundaries and expectations, have their own goals and ambitions. I want to build a shared life with someone--when someone tries to build their life around me, it stifles both of our growth and I'll not tolerate that.

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How do/did you handle someone who turned out to be needy/clingy?

I once had a horribly clingy boyfriend. He accused me of using my job to avoid him, despite having very set hours. He would keep me up at night wanting to discuss our relationship, and say that I was a bitch for wanting to go to bed for the 4 hours left in the night I had to sleep. He legitimately cried when I wouldn't cuddle with him more than a few minutes in the scorching August heat. He said I must not want him anymore because I didn't want him showing PDA at my place of work. I never realized how much I needed my own space until I dated him. He affected work in that he could have gotten me fired. He affected my social life in that all of my friends hated him. His affect on my family life, was that my whole family adored him and took his side whenever he felt he was being neglected. My fiance is often clingy. He knows that he can be, and tries to be aware of when I need space. When I need space, I ask him for it, and he respects that. When I want to snuggle, we snuggle. We have a good system of communication and it works out well because we're both respectful self-aware people.
What you're talking about is clingy in other ways- calling you all the time (to know where you are, what you're doing, incessantly), demanding attention, etc. Those, in my mind, are less heal-able. They have to do with low self-esteem or paranoia or other mental health issues. If you bring it up because it upsets you, and no effort is made to change, I'd recommend leaving. Ain't nobody got time for that. Plus, you can't 'fix' other people- they can only heal themselves. I'm a full time student who also works full time, and somehow the last two guys I've dated either didn't drive or didn't have a car, and the amount of attention they wanted was too much considering anytime they wanted to see me I had to drive to them, (and we're talking 40 minute drives here). It definitely affected my life- I was running around all the damn time and started not having enough time for schoolwork which is a huge, huge problem for me, (as I'm paying for school myself, I'd like to do well/get the most out of it possible). I've also gotten "What are you doing?" or "Where did you go?" texts while I've been IN THE BATHROOM and haven't taken my phone...this is an ABORT MISSION signal to me. If I can't pee, we have a problem. The worst thing was probably I felt like I had no time for me. It got to the point where I was trying to do everything and be happy for everybody except me. If I just wanted to not drive anywhere and stay home one day and watch Netflix, I got crap about it. If I was in the library doing research for a paper, I got whined at. So...yes.

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How can I feel more secure in my relationship?

Throughout my entire life, I've always had and wanted the upper-hand in the relationships with men I had due to my deep-down insecurity of them leaving me first. It got to the point where I'd purposely hurt them to feel like I had all the power over them. I now am romantically involved with a man who blows every man I've ever encountered out of the water. For the first time, I genuinely do not want to hurt him and love him more than anything I've ever experienced. With all that, comes this intense anxiety and insecurity that he will eventually grow tired of me, leave me or hurt me despite his constant affirmations that he loves me and that I am the best thing he's ever experienced. This anxiety never leaves and can get so crippling to the point where I believe that I'd rather leave him than deal with the insecurity and anxiety.
The one thing I do is simply talk to him. It helps that he is very easy to talk to, but I feel like addressing these insecurities with your partner will go a long way. Your head will drive you crazy if you keep thinking of the what ifs and refuse to seek out what is. Think of it this way - there are men you are probably attracted to who are nothing like your boyfriend (people you know, celebrities, guys you see on the street etc) - and might even be the polar opposite of him. Does seeing them or talking to them make you feel any differently about your boyfriend? No. You are still attracted to him the exact same amount you were before. The fleeting appearance of other attractive men in your visual field doesn't take away from what you find attractive about him. Attractiveness is more than just one thing and we can find many people hot at the same time and it doesn't mean we find the person we're with less hot. It's the same with your boyfriend talking to other attractive women - he is still just as attracted to you. Their hotness doesn't take away from the type of hotness you have.
Maybe try to do small, cute things for him? Doing things to let him know that you love him will actually reassure you that you're comfortable in the relationship because you want to do those small romantic things. It'll turn it into what you want and what you like doing, and not always thinking about what he may or may not like; cause, girl, you know he likes you. :)
Try empathy. What I mean is, spend some time in his shoes, looking at you and your relationship from his perspective. What has he said he loves about you? Do you think it's true? If you don't, make an effort to see it. Why does he perceive you that way? If you can start seeing yourself the way he sees you, you might start having a little more self esteem.

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Men, those who are/were in a relationship with a person with low self esteem, what's your experience?

I was her constant source of validation. We had sex - was I good enough? We can try again I just want you to be satisfied I don' t want you to think I am frigid old lady(she was 19 i was 21) she sends a selfi and constantly asks if she looks preety. Some guy flirts with her she asks me does he really mean it. She then sends me hundrets of msgs for being sorry for being so boring and needy. Then goes back to it again every damn time. And everytime I get slightly irritaded by her actions she thinks she can win me over by having sex with me. It was exausting. And I just couldn't take it anymore
One of my ex's had serious problems with depression and self esteem. It's exhausting and it will definitely take it's toll on your own mental health. You have to be prepared for a lot of rejection, and I don't just mean sexually. In my experience my ex would turn down everything I suggested if she was in one of those moods. If she was hungry, she'd turn down every meal or restaurant I could think of. If she was bored, she wouldn't want to play any game or watch any show or movie I brought up. In those times the only thing I could to to help her was just sit with her and wait for her to come out of it on her own when she was ready.
The one gf I ever had was depressed af and had terrible self esteem. Never told me of any problems she ever had with our relationship so she left me 2 weeks in without even so much as a chance to fix it, lied to me about it, and ignored me when I called her out on leaving me for someone she spent a day with while she was with me. Months later she told me the real reasons she left me was because she didn't get to spend as much time with me as she wanted, and because I did "deal with" her depression in the way she wanted. She always came across as really sweet, cute, affectionate and kinda timid, but she taught me that even someone like her can be just as heartless as someone who is openly so.
It takes so much energy and willpower and time to just make a small change in a person's self-esteem. This is really bad, cuz if you fail, it starts to affect you as well, and sometimes you'll break because you'll be feeling useless and powerless, cuz you can't change anything. It happens and it's a fact. I remember my gf got frustrated because she underperformed in mobile game, probably left to survive(cuz we meet there), and it took me 2 or 3 hours of constantly trying to convince her that it's okay and there's nothing to be worried about and yeah, in the end I succeeded. And, in conclusion I can say that if you want to be in relationship with such a person, you should try to reach out to them and help them get their self-esteem to proper degree, cuz otherwise it gonna build up and become a real problem in future that would be even harder to solve.

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How do you regain your confidence after a bad relationship?

First off, I wouldn't down on yourself. He has been playing a game that you didn't even know was happening. Red flags are mostly recognizable to some people. I would say the biggest improvement you could focus on, is recognizing red flags. Which helps weed out people. Confidence is related to self esteem. When you are told you are number 2 and thought you were number 1, that can be soul crushing when they were your number 1. You want to be number 1. You feel less value, because to him you are less value. It is a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to be in a relationship where she has an ex that she still desires. I won't fight for desire with a failed fantasy. If you have others in your head and heart, I am out. How do you get confident again? Find the things in you that are weaknesses. Take accountability, and focus on improving them. The other thing is standards. Have standards for yourself. Hold yourself to them. Have standards for the person you want. Hold them to them. You should process that relationship in a way that places blame solely on your ex boyfriend (and completely away from yourself). Your ex boyfriend shoulders all the blame for the dishonesty and would have behaved the same way with any other girl that had the bad luck to run into him. You should think about how bad of a person he is. As for you, you should forgive yourself, that this is a common experience, and think about how you can use this to strengthen yourself in the future. Envision and lean into the strong conviction that you deserve good things and will develop skills (setting boundaries, assessing trustworthiness, self care) to make sure you never ever settle for less. You would never accept anything you wouldn’t want your best friend to accept
Went through a very painful breakup six months ago. Put all your energy into yourself and start putting yourself first. Working out and eating well help, getting outside for walks and fresh air. Let yourself feel the pain and cry when you need to. If you try to ignore the sad feelings and don't process your feelings now, it'll all hit you harder in several months. Go through it now. Reach out to friends and family. Socialize. You'll slowly start to feel better by taking it day by day and prioritizing your self care, whatever that looks like for you. Realize you're WAY better off without this negativity and toxicity in your life.
The best thing to do, is to of course take a break from dating, but then put yourself out there again. Date, Take things slow, and don’t trust anyone immediately. You really shouldn’t. I’m grateful for all my bad experiences, because I dont trust men immediately, and I don’t view every little thing as a fairytale. My trust has to be earned, and my guard is up until things are serious. You should definitely view a guy’s social media, make sure he’s who he says he is, that he’s actually single, etc. you need your guard up to some Extent.

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How do you find confidence in a relationship?

How can you gain confidence in a relationship with a person whose boundaries make you insecure. You do know there are men out there who will go out of their way to make you feel secure. Essentially you asked him to choose between his friendship with this woman and your relationship. He chose her. He is not changing his decision, and if you go back to him; he'll assert more power over you. You want to stop feeling sad, but going back to him can only be a temporary fix. I think you made the right decision for you; if he figures out you're worth it, then he needs to be the one who comes back. They're more than 100 million men in the United States; to find confidence you need to find one who respects you.
Your friend is not you, and just because her husband trusts doesn't mean something won't happen. Your problem is your boyfriend's friend makes you insecure, and he won't that into consideration. I'm sure your friend friends husband knows the guy his wife talks to, and may also be friends with him. Has your boyfriend made any effort to include you in his interaction with this woman. Every relationship should have boundaries set to make the relationship comfortable. You're not comfortable,and if you're honest with yourself you never will be with his friend. Even if you accept it outwardly can you hold in the passive aggressive feelings that will weigh on you I just don't want you to wake up in 35 stuck in a toxic relationship settling for whatever he comfort he decides to give you.
Second, are you off base with this friend of your bf? Did he try to reassure you in any way? Did he say he would limit time with her because he understands your concerns? Or did he blow you off and say it is his friend and none of your business? Before you blame your lack of confidence, make sure he was not in any wrong. I just broke up with my boyfriend (28m) last night. For the past few months we’ve been fighting about a friendship that he has with another woman. I decided that because we couldn’t get past this issue we should probably not see one another. Now I regret my decision because he has never done anything to show me I can’t trust him. I just have insecurities, low self esteem and my past relationship has also affected me. My ex talked with a “friend” but they started seeing each other. I know my past should never affect my current relationship. But it did. I want him back but don’t know what to do. My friend has suggested going back to see a therapist but I just can’t afford that right now. Is there a chance we could work things out? How do I become more confident? I feel if I weren’t insecure and more confident I would be able to accept his friendship.

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Never been in a relationship. I can't break this cycle of awkwardness, loneliness, no confidence.

When you're at these local events or other places where you are trying to meet women, I want you to try not to get to know these women when you immediately meet them. One problem (though perhaps not the only one) you may be having is that you are trying to make that first statement, question, or comment something that will immediately spark up a connection between the two of you. You want that right set of words that gets them to share their life story with you (I'm exaggerating, but you get what I mean). Rather than put so much pressure onto these initial greetings that you can't ever speak to anyone, you should just ask a question about the event or maybe make a quick comment, and then go about your business. You're not looking for a girlfriend. You're not even necessarily looking for a friend. You just want to know where the band is setting up, or what the beer specials are that night. You need to practice, and it has to start small. You need to get comfortable saying things to women, getting a normal response, and reinforcing this idea that there's nothing special about talking to them. They're people. If they're in at a public event, they may very well be there looking for social interaction just like you.
Stop giving so much of a shit. Loosen up. Get high once in a while. Smile more. Make more jokes. Be more aware of body language. Find something silly to poke fun at that will cater to your target audience i.e. Kim Kardashian's ass or your professor's toupee. Try escorts and/or strippers to give you some experience and boost your confidence. And lastly, focus on the positive. You'll be arite.
I feel there's more about you that's keeping you single. It's not just a lack of confidence. Honestly, confidence is really just knowing there's a chance you'll get shot down and knowing you'll be able to pick yourself back up afterwards. If you accept that, you're halfway there.
I have a great job, and I love it. I have hobbies I enjoy, but they are not social things. Not many friends, but I try to get out when I can, usually alone. Coffee shops, bookstores, parks. But when I get home at the end of the day, its just this crushing loneliness. I've tried OKCupid and Match.com for months, with no results. I try going out to local events, but I just can't talk to women. With no success in relationships in my entire life, my confidence is nil. I can fake it for a bit, but lately its just such a big thing lately that its starting to become harder and harder to act confident. Now I'm just struggling to act normal. I know I'm supposed to live life happy alone, and that a relationship should enhance my life, not define it. And I know that all of it is about positive thoughts, which I am lacking. But I can't force them anymore. I'm just lonely, and I constantly feel like I'm inadequate and something is wrong with me, and those just build upon each other and actually just keep me from finding someone.

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I don’t feel confident enough for a relationship.

I (20sF) have never had what you could call a real relationship. I just went along with my life thinking it would happen when it did, and that I would pursue it when the time was right. Except it never happened. I was never asked out in high school, got limited attention in college, and now I’m out of college and still have nothing to show for it. I had a birthday recently and suddenly got very insecure about my lack of experience in this area. I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family, and I see my friends around me in 2 year, 5 year, even 8 year long relationships and I’m saddened wondering why I was never able to have that. I’ve been feeling very low about this for days.
I decided something needed to be done, but what I discovered is that every time I push myself to look, my insecurities and doubts take over, and I end up sabotaging myself before I can even begin. I join apps and I delete them. I can’t even picture where I’d go to meet guys my age who are single. I’ve asked my friends and they have no options for me. I just can’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and how long it can take for a relationship to grow into what I’m hoping for. And above all else, it’s been so long since I’ve gotten that kind of attention, I can’t fathom anybody liking me like that. I’m so lost. I know I cannot rely on a relationship to make me happy, and I’ve already decided that if it doesn’t happen in the long run, I would seek alternative options for motherhood, but I want the love and hard work it takes to build a life from the ground up with someone I trust and love more than anything. I’m just so lonely. Have at least one hobby that doesn't involve people and at least one hobby that does, look within yourself and ask some difficult questions and sort out what you believe you can solve by yourself and ask someone you can trust about those you can't answer on your own. If you aren't confident and comfortable with yourself then dating shouldn't be on your list of priorities yet, keep in mind there will be questions and insecurities that will never be resolved, or can't be resolved alone. I'm a man in a similar situation(20 years old) and it is tough. I'm quite lonely too but feeling a bit better. The honest truth is that it is going to be a bit tougher now that you might not have college anymore, but it is not all hopeless! We're probably going to have to put in more of an effort though. Just try to put yourself out there as much as you can. I really hope that you get what you want and end up having a beautiful family!

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Is anybody else confident in almost every other aspect of your life, except dating?

Me! One of my feedback from my manager is that sometimes I’m too confident. (Well not trying to go in how sexist that feedback is since I’m a woman) anyway. I also do stand up comedy so I’m confident on stage as well. My parents give me a lot compliments and positive affirmation growing up. A lot people tell me I’m pretty good looking throughout my life. However I have not been in a serious relationship for 8 years and it has damaged my self esteem so much it also brought me into a serious depression episode. I believe it is because I’m not good enough that’s why I’m single. I don’t deserve love, I’m not pretty enough or have good enough personality. After 3 years of therapy I finally now start to not believe in those things.
Yes, I think it could be because it’s the most important aspect in our lives and the only one that can’t be determined by us (work ethic etc). Dating requires a lot of work, compromise and understanding. It’s complex and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s a risk but a beautiful one. I’ve been working on my mind set on it and it’s working. I find it exciting now. I’m eliminating people quickly and keeping it moving. I use to get anxious and couldn’t even do it, now I’m thinking of signing up on more and more apps. Lol Change the way you look at it, it’s hard I started working on my mind set since November 2018. Good luck 🍀 Know that there is a beautiful soul out there meant for you! ☺️
Handsome, great paying career, former marine special forces, powerlifter with plenty of muscles, own house, gorgeous golden retriever sidekick. I’m kicking ass and taking names. Yet nothing makes me feel so defeated as dating. So much so I’ve given up, I’m doing great on my own and as much as I would like to share this life with someone and have a kid of my own it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. Maybe someone will come along through sheer luck, but my standards are high and they are staying there. 29M NW FL
You're assuming consistency across all areas of a person's life. I'm very confident in many areas, and can also make accurate estimates in those areas. I am not, however, confident in dating, and I have long been confident (hah!) that the primary reason for my lack of confidence in dating is that I do not believe that I can accurately estimate a woman's attraction or feelings towards me. If I could look at a woman and say "she's probably interested in me" with the same degree of accuracy that I can look at a report of users losing their login sessions and say "it's probably related to the load balancer sending them to different backend servers", then I would likely be as confident in dating as I am with managing server clusters. But I can't estimate women's interest that well, and so I'm not as confident with them.

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How to be more confident in a relationship?

So, me and my girlfriend broke up a while ago, the main overarching reason was long distance, but after a while I realized that there were various times where I was very lacking in confidence during our relationship.
Sometimes getting really distressed where she would make a small joke like, “I like bad guys,” when I am quite the opposite of the cliche bad guy. I would get really worried about being clingy, that I’d ask her a lot if I was clingy. I would ask her whether a part of my body was ugly and she would disagree instantly. Honestly she was a really great person for sticking with me despite my severe lack of confidence when it came to dating. I was pretty jealous, never fought with her over it because I understand she had guy friends and spent time with guys, but I trusted her and I knew she would’ve never cheated on me. Anywho, the main point is, I don’t think I’m a bad looking guy, pretty smart and charming. But when I was dating this girl, that sort of belief in myself collapsed as I couldn’t believe I could date this amazing woman. I want to be better than that next time to have a more pleasant relationship, not only for my own good but for my future partner. Any advice is appreciated! I would suggest taking time to build yourself in some way. Feel like you could lose a few pounds? Try a new workout routine. Feel like other guys may be more interesting? Take some workshops (like woodworking or guitar lessons) or learn something new (try some bartending courses or a new language). It'll be hard to be jealous when you see all the things you are accomplishing, and you're confidence will also grow because you will have more to offer/talk about.
If you are anxious about what the person you are dating thinks of you then you have self esteem issues. As a man women constantly test us. They want to see if you are who you say you are. So, for example if your girl says that she likes bad boys you gotta respond with something funny or witty because she tests you based upon your reaction to that statement. If you take offense or let that statement bother you then you immediately fail the test. You gotta take it in stride and make fun of it. Say something like “I’ll show you what a bad boy really is 😉” then playfully slap her ass or something. Comments like that is just a game inside a relationship. Women hate men who determine their self worth based upon the women. They want men who are valuable because they believe themselves to be and the world around them reaffirms that belief. So I guess the overall idea is to believe in yourself.

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