Ask @KinkDoctor:

Why did you join askFM; what inspired it? How do you use it personally?

justyn ashley
Hi Justyn! Thanks for asking questions. I was inspired to come here and open myself up to questions by a friend of mine, he's a performer who uses this platform to communicate with his fans and he's hilarious. I may not be not as entertaining as he is, but as for how I use it, so far I've enjoyed the challenge of giving my perspective on complicated questions related to alternative sexuality. Opening lines of communication on topics that aren't usually discussed is an important part of the work I do.

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From your experience would you say that a woman can take pleasure in ballbusting or is she objectified by the male desire ?

A woman can absolutely take pleasure in ballbusting, and yes, she can be objectified by the male (e.g., as a pain dispenser), just as she can objectify the male (e.g., as a pain receptacle). In any sort of sexual interaction either or both can happen at the same or different times. Objectification can be but isn't always a negative experience, and the extent to which objectification affects someone depends on their perception and experience of being objectified.

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I am attracted by ballbusting. As a way to submit myself to woman. I've always wondered where this fetish came from. From your experience can you help myself to a better understanding?

There's no easy answer to where a given individual's fetish comes from—some people can pinpoint when they gained awareness of having a particular fetish, and others feel as though it's always been part of their sexual identity, without having any source of origin. Ballbusting happens to be a fairly common form of male masochistic submission. We are socialized to think of testicles as the primary source of masculinity, and though this concept is debatable, it makes sense that a submissive male who has the capacity to feel pleasure in testicular pain would find ballbusting to be an incredibly appealing way to submit to a woman. Great question! Let me know if you have any follow up or clarifying questions.

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What is with self asphyxiation and orgasm? What is the attraction

Attraction to anything will vary from individual to individual and can be motivated by a combination of inherent disposition and life experience, but with something like asphyxiation/hypoxyphilia (breath play), there are a couple of main factors at play. One is that some people experience sexual arousal resulting from a reduction of oxygen in the brain. Another factor is that it's dangerous, and there are those who are attracted to danger and taboo. Unfortunately, atypical sexuality can be difficult to disclose to or share with others, therefore this type of activity is all the more dangerous because erotic asphyxiation is more often than not done alone. There may be no 100% safe way to do breath play, but there are ways to reduce the risk of harm in any activity, for example doing it with a trusted and experienced partner.
Recommended reading:
Downing, L. (2007). Beyond Safety: Erotic Asphyxiation and the Limits of S/M Discourse. In D. Langridge and M. Barker (Eds.), Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism. (pp. 119-132). New York, NY: Palgrave Macmillan.
Wiseman, J. (1996). SM101: A realistic introduction. San Francisco: Greenery Press.

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My pursuit of kink puts me and my primary relationship in potential jeopardy, both physically (former) and emotionally (latter), but I can't seem to give it up and don't really want to. Am I self-destructive in this way? I'm not usually so otherwise.

Without knowing the specifics, I'd say yes, if the way you pursue kink is putting you and your relationship in jeopardy, that sounds self-destructive. But you're aware of it, you're thinking about it, and you're asking questions—all good things that make me think you probably don't want to be self-destructive. And if you're not self-destructive outside of kink behavior, it would seem the conflict lies in the way you feel about your kinkiness and/or the way others relate to it. The good news is you don't necessarily have to give up being kinky or engaging in BDSM, but changes will need to be made so you and your partner(s) can be physically and emotionally safe.

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About Dulcinea Pitagora, MA, LMSW:

NYS Licensed Master Social Worker, Clinical Sexology PhD Student, BDSM Expert

New York City