I' m using your app Love Shopping List and I wanna know if I Can Reorder my list. You know what I am looking for in a partner?

August 23, 2013

One of the wonderful things about purchasing the premium version (one time low fee) is that you can always change your characteristics or their order of priority. Most people do this on a frequent basis as they find other characteristic that they feel are more important. In communicating with people who have Love Shopping List they indicate they are changing characteristics and priorities as they learn more about themselves and the world around them. Life is more like a video than a snapshot. It constantly changes, and our views of life change. That's why it's a good idea to look at your list often so you can change with the different phases of your life. Love Shopping List doesn't match you with others. It makes the matches better. The more you use it, the more confident you will be in your choice of relationships.

Both my bf and me r going away to diff colleges. He thinks we can still go together as long as we commit. I nd to find out more info. What’s ur opinion?

August 23, 2013

Committing to each other before going away to college really takes away from the college experience from both of you unless you both plan on being hermits for four plus years. Part of the college experience is interacting socially with others. There is as much to be gained in your informal education as there is in your formal education. One of the other problem is that every time you or your bf do go out socially, you are saddled with feeling of guilt, especially if the third party involvement goes a bit further. The best advice to give both of you is to get as much out of your college days as possible. You will know whether it was meant to be if you still have interest in each other. You can still go out when you both are home on vacation, if that's what you want to do. If you really love something, set it free.

My gf’s son treats me like shit. We are both in our forties, and he is 16. She doesn’t stop it and says it’s just a phase. We are really in love, but her son could be a deal breaker. Any suggestions would be really helpful.

August 23, 2013

This is not an uncommon situation. Her son probably feels he is the man of the house, and he sees you as his competition for this role. Your gf does not want to upset him. If she has been a single parent for awhile, she may have been using him as her emotional partner. In this case she would feel guilty about discarding him in that role. In any event there needs to be boundaries put in place in order for your relationship to move forward. She can't keep "kicking the can down the road" and expect you to just wait patiently. As a psychologist, i often face this same situation. Professional help is usually beneficial to all parties, especially when the needs of the adolescent are validated. The two of you really need to act as a team if you hope for the relationship to move forward.

Why can’t I save my comparisons on your app so I don’t have to repeat them?

August 23, 2013

Saving your comparisons is one of the many great features of our premium version of Love Shopping List. When you try to save your comparison, you will be prompted to register and to get the premium version. Then you can save as many as you wish and still change your characteristics and priorities. It will then help you rescore each person according to your new list. The premium version then also allows you to compare different relationships, to connect with the person in a variety of ways, and many more features. The premium version is available for a one time fee that's less than a cup of Starbuck's coffee. Ask anyone who has the premium version, and they will tell you it's well worth it.

Somehow I keep getting into relationships that start off great for about 6 months then fall apart. How do I stop this?

August 23, 2013

In most cases like yours you have based the relationship on a fast attraction and have not really taken the time to do two things: identify what you want and identify whether your partner has what you want. Especially if you are repeating the pattern, you have to take the time to really identify the characteristics that are important to you in a relationship. Even more importantly, you have to prioritize the characteristics. They don’t all count the same. Once you have done these two things, you can rate your relationship based on your own personal choices. Our app, Love Shopping List (iTunes App Store), is designed to do exactly that. It will objectively examine your relationship, and help you make better choices so that you don’t keep repeating your pattern. As the saying goes, "Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results is a sign of insanity."

My boyfriend always says stupid stuff that hurts my feelings. I tell him about it and he apologizes but it happens again. What do I do?

August 23, 2013

A technique that I teach is call “I” statements. It’s a statement of the situation followed by a feeling followed by a call for action. Specifically, it goes like this: “When you ... It makes me feel ... I need you to ... As an example, “When you tell me that I’m goofy, it makes me feel like you think I’m stupid. I need you not to make negative comments about me.” In this way you are not being angry or disrespectful. If he starts to argue, just say tell him if he really cares about the relationship to please listen closely to what you are saying. And then, “When you argue about what I’m telling you from the heart, it makes me feel like you have no respect for my feelings. If you value our relationship, please listen to me. There are many reasons that someone says “stupid” stuff. It can be from his own self-esteem, or it can be his family culture. It doesn't make any difference as to the "why." You need to set these boundaries if the relationship stands a chance in the future.

Even though I live in America, my culture believes in arranged marriages. I am madly in love with a man, but my parents and relatives have another man in mind. How do I get through this? The other man is nice, but I’m not in love with him. My parents tell me that I will grow to love him.

August 23, 2013

You are trapped in cross-cultural issues. This is always a very difficult situation. You want to honor and respect your parents’ wishes (obviously you are close to them), but you want to be independent and make your own decisions. You and your parents definitely need professional help from someone familiar with your culture who can explain the cross-cultural issues. There is no question this puts you in a big bind, having to choose between honoring your parents and honoring yourself. If your parents insist on holding on to their other country values, they may threaten to disown you or worse. You can try having them meet the man you love so they see how the two of you are close. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out.

Can long distance relationships really work?

August 23, 2013

It all depends on the people involved. Being physically apart for long periods of time is very difficult. Without excusing people in the entertainment industry or in sports, it’s difficult to be apart for two thirds of the year and grow close. BUT it can be done. Quality time and good communication have been shown to be effective in these situations. It’s like the old adage, “Absence (or, if you prefer abstinence) makes the heart grow fonder.” Long distance relationships work when both parties make time and schedule regular time together.

i like this guy who is 23 and i am 17 he has feelings for me and i for him but he doesnt want anything serious and i do how do i convince him?

August 23, 2013

Keep in mind that a relationship involves both people's level of commitment. He may just be out there playing the game. If that's the case, you need to accept that he will not move closer. You are also a minor by law. This may be scaring him, even though he may really have deeper feelings for you, and legally he should be scared. The best advice here is that only time will tell. That being said, don't start giving yourself away just to try to reel him in. You would only be setting yourself up to get emotionally hurt.

Can a long distance relationship really work?

August 16, 2013

It all depends on the people involved. Being physically apart for long periods of time is very difficult. Without excusing people in the entertainment industry or in sports, it’s difficult to be apart for two thirds of the year and grow close. BUT it can be done. Quality time and good communication have been shown to be effective in these situations. It’s like the old adage, “Absence (or, if you prefer abstinence) makes the heart grow fonder.” Long distance relationships work when both parties make time and schedule regular time together.

My boyfriend can’t have sex unless he’s stoned on pot. Its not my thing. We’re both adults, so it’s not like we're a couple of kids. He’s good for about 60 seconds and then goes to sleep. Is there anything I can do?

August 16, 2013

It sounds like an issue of performance anxiety. Both of you have a big problem, but your problem is him. You need to set boundaries with him. He may feel inadequate, which creates anxiety. The weed removes the anxiety, but he is using so much that he goes to sleep. If the pattern doesn’t stop, you will begin to get more and more angry because you are not being satisfied. Try expressing your concern, and tell him you’d like for both of you to seek professional help so you both feel more comfortable. If he refuses, then you have to explain that it’s very frustrating for you, and that’s not fair. And, yes, pot is can be addicting.

One of our good friends treats his girlfriend like shit. We’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he keeps treating her like a slave. What can we say to him? The sad thing is she’s a really wonderful girl.

August 16, 2013

If you are all really good friends, you need to do a modified intervention. Tell him you’re getting together for something, then all of you can explain why you are there. Be supportive and don’t by hypercritical. “We’re here because you are a really good friend, and we are seeing something that really bothers all of us. We care about you and (gf’s name).” At the same time, realize this girl really needs help too. Allowing herself to be treated that way is a big indicator of low self-esteem and/or previous abuse. If you know any of her girlfriends, talk to them.

Me and my girlfriend have been going together for 10 months. She still won’t introduce me to her parents and it makes me feel weird. What do I do?

August 16, 2013

There are three main reasons something like this happens. Either your gf has been told she is not to go with anyone (if she is a young adolescent or it’s a cultural issue), or she has a bad relationship with her parents, or she is embarrassed about you or something in your relationship. Any of the three are not good signs for the relationship moving forward. You should find out the “why” behind the problem. Once you have that, we can figure out what to do. Let me know.

One of my best friends has a bf that hits her. I’ve tried to talk her into getting help, but she say’s he’ll change. I want to help but I don’t want her hate me if I do. What do I do?

August 16, 2013

Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. She needs help. This absolutely needs to be reported to a law enforcement agency. Your friend probably makes excuses for him something like, “I made him mad. It’s my fault.” She is a victim. If their relationship goes on, the abuse will get worse. She may be mad at you at first, but you are potentially saving her life. It is common that abused females often don’t report the abuse because they are afraid. Depending on your age, you may feel more comfortable asking an older adult for assistance. As difficult as this is, I hope you are very proud of yourself for protecting your friend. Friends don’t let friends be abused!

We be married a year or so and he says theres nothin wrong with a boys night out & a girls night out. Don't think so but who's right?

August 09, 2013

Unless the two of you previously agreed to this, it sounds like he hasn't made the transition from single life to married life. Your image in the community is very important, especially if you're going to be there for a long time. People talk, and you don't want them gossiping. It also depends on the definition of "night out." Boys going out and bowling is one thing, while boys going to knock back a few at a strip bar is another. Girls going out to see a movie together is one thing, but girls going out to country western bars (only as an example) and dancing with other men is another. So ask him if he wants to be right or he wants to be happy, because he sure isn't going to have both. Happy wife, happy life!!

I'm married to a wonderful guy but every time his younger sister comes over, there is trouble. She has no filter.

August 09, 2013

You and your husband need to have a serious conversation about his sister. There needs to be limits and boundaries set that both of you are comfortable with. His younger sister may feel she is in competition with you, and that's not a good thing. You might try getting her on your side by enlisting her help in some project. Sometimes that works. Your husband also needs to jump in and do something.

Can therapy really help me and my GF? We've been together for two years and we get into really bad arguments.

August 09, 2013

If you continue to get into arguments, there are underlying issues that are causing them, especially if your arguments always revolve around the same or similar topics. The fact that you use the phrase "really bad" means your relationship is in trouble. A good therapist can help you sort out what's going on, but there is no guarantee that all will work out. As a psychologist, sometimes my role is to try to help the couple end their relationship peacefully when it's obvious there is no way for it to work out. Relationships should add something to the lives of both people without creating chaos and bad feelings.

Me and my boyfriend are trying to figure out if we're compatible. We're having some issues. Will your Love Shopping List app tell us?

August 09, 2013

Love Shopping List (LSL) will help you, but it won't make the decision for you. LSL will give you both a final score of each other, but you still will make the final decision. It's been designed to help you identify your most important characteristics in a relationship, prioritize them, and rate your mate based upon your own criteria, not something made up by someone else. LSL is a great place to start if you are having issues.

How do I get past my GF cheating on me. I really love her, but it keeps playing with my head?

August 09, 2013

Cheating is a really hard issue to get by. It is a violation of trust. Some people can not get past it even after a long time. Sometimes it really depends on the circumstances. Recently a young man was very upset because his gf cheated on him. But this happened when they had broken up for a week, and that's what she said. She insisted she never cheated on him and would not if they were together, but they were apart, so she saw no reason not to go out. Unfortunately, we see issues of infidelity all over the news, especially in the entertainment industry. Be assured it occurs everywhere. If it continues to play with you head, you need to get professional help to try to deal with it. Otherwise, it will just continue to eat at you. You will feel stuck. If you really want to save the relationship, you might also try couples counseling.

Who pays on a first date?

August 09, 2013

There is no hard and fast rule about paying, but traditionally it's the guy. But today more and more people are splitting the bill, or at least volunteering to do so. If you are a female, offering to help pay sends a great message to your date. If you are a male, definitely show appreciation if your date volunteers to help. Another rule would be that whoever asked the other out should pay, but it's still nice to volunteer.

I am a 26 year old female and I'm engaged to be married. My parents say that since they are paying for the wedding, they have a say in what goes on. It's creating a real problem. What do you suggest?

August 09, 2013

Often times the issues surrounding putting together a wedding cause huge amounts of problems. Yours is certainly one that has happened repeatedly. What do they mean by having a say? If they are trying to control every aspect of the wedding, you and your fiance' need to decide if you really want to put up with that. If, on the other hand, you are basically saying, "Be quiet and just give me the money," then they have a right to be upset, especially with the cost of many of today's weddings. There really needs to be good communication among all parties. Sometimes seeking the independent guidance of another party like a therapist can help resolve the matter. Weddings should be joyous, but they also come with a lot of stress. Have your parents always been controlling? This could just be a continuation of the pattern.

We're getting married, should we still have separate bank accounts?

August 09, 2013

This all depends on what you mean by "separate." If you have individual accounts but are the cosigners on each others' accounts, that's one thing. If the accounts are totally separate, then I would question the trust that each of you have in one another. Money, sex, and parenting are the three biggest issues in problem relationships. Why would you start off what is supposed to be a combining of souls by separating them in any way. As a therapist whenever I hear "separate bank accounts," it makes me shudder. There are ALWAYS problems hiding somewhere. BTW, you don't say whose idea this was. One of the biggest factors in a successful marriage is making the transition from being single to being married. Too many people want to BE married but ACT single. It doesn't work. Make sure you resolve this BEFORE you get married.

Is there such a thing as true love???

August 09, 2013

What a great question! But the answer depends on your own personal definition of "true." Some religions teach that there are souls wandering in search of their partners. When these two souls find each other, the universe celebrates. That certainly would be considered a true love. Love encompasses many things including honesty, loyalty, and respect. If a relationship has these, it, too, could certainly be considered true love. So to answer that age-old question, "Will I ever find my one true love?", the answer is in your definition, which means you have some homework to do. When we made our app, Love Shopping List, we designed it to do just that, help you find out what you really want. Otherwise, you'll never really know if you found true love.

There's a 6 yr difference between me and boyfriend but I can't help feeling like I'm competing with females of his own age group how do I get over this feeling?

August 09, 2013

This is a hard question to answer when you haven't stated your age. The reason that your age is important is that six years makes a HUGE difference when you are younger but means very little when you're a lot older. Let's assume for the answer that you are 18. If he's 24, you really are competing with females about his age. That doesn't mean you lose, it just means you are going to have to act more than your age, IF that's something you want to do. If you are very much younger than that, without sounding like a parent giving a lecture, the relationship needs to end. He's taking advantage of you, and you are destined to get hurt. Unfortunately, I've seen far too many young women who have been really hurt by what has been done to them when he breaks it off.

I really like this guy but I want to take it slow with him meaning no sex for now but I don't want to push him away, how do I make him understand?

August 09, 2013

From your question it sounds like he's pushing you to have sex, which is NEVER a good thing. He needs to respect the fact that you want to take it slowly. If that pushes him away, then he's really not anyone you would want anyway. Make sure you are sending out very clear messages. No means no, and it doesn't mean maybe.

Dr. Andrew

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