Dr. Andrew

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I made my love list. Now what do I do?

Making your love list is a good first move, but you need to take it a few steps farther. Your next step would be to prioritize your list from most important to least important. Our app, Love Shopping List, does that for you and also scores your relationship so you can see how it stacks up against your list. I gave a link to show how it works in a previous answer tonight, but here it is again http://vimeo.com/77250608

My boss is single and so am I. He asked me out. Is this a bad idea?

My first question would be, does your employer have a policy about dating other employees? Just be sure you are not dating your boss for the wrong reasons. If the two of you have feelings for each other, and there is no rule against it, then try it out. The danger is that if you break up, you still have to work together and that can get really sticky really fast. So give it a lot of thought. There are pluses and minuses to the arrangement. Just be sure you think about all of them first before deciding on a course of action so you don't have regrets afterward.

My boyfriend got hit by a drunk driver and I cry a lot. I don’t want to date anyone else. What do I do?

I'm assuming, maybe incorrectly, that he is gone because you are talking about dating. You have suffered an unimaginable loss. You are going through the grief process, and it's going to take you some time to heal. There is no way to estimate how long it will take because everyone is different. The more deeply involved you were with your boyfriend, the longer it will take to work through your loss, but there will always be a place in your heart for memories. Please don't hesitate to get professional help for yourself so that you can begin to move on. You can simply say, "Thank you, but I'm not dating right now" when someone asks you out. It's okay to protect yourself.

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My sister keeps dating losers but she won’t listen to me. Any advice for her?

If your sister keeps making the same mistakes, either she doesn't think much of herself or she just doesn't really know what she wants. Do her a favor and have her download our app, Love Shopping List, so she can decide what she wants BEFORE getting into relationships. It's free, so there's no excuse for her not doing it. If she want to see it in action, tell her to go to http://vimeo.com/77250608

My husband’s best friend keeps hitting on me and I don’t know how to handle it. Should I tell my husband?

A couple came in to see me for exactly the same reason. I suggested they confront the "best friend" together. They asked him over. Then the two of them sat on a couch across from him and asked, "Is ther a reason you keep hitting on me as the wife of your best friend?" He did not talk to them for a week but then came over and apologized. The most important thing is that he understand he is disrespecting his friend and you by doing this type of behavior. Just explain to your husband how you would like to handle it, otherwise there may be unexpected and unwanted results.

My bf thinks it’s funny to grab my booty in public. I tell him its annoying but he don’t stop.

It's not funny. It's downright disrespectful. You are going to have to set some hard and fast rules. He needs to know there are consequences for disrespecting you in that fashion. If you've asked, and he doesn't comply, leave him and go home. He's obviously trying to prove something, mainly to himself. He sees you as an object, a toy to be played with, and not as a person. Try this, "When you are ready to treat me with respect and dignity, ask me out. Otherwise, we won't be going out anytime soon!" You do NOT need to accept his behavior.

How do I get my girlfriend to wear less makeup? It makes her look cheap.

Positive reinforcement is the best approach. When she is au natural, tell her how beautiful she looks. You can actually say, "I love when you are just your natural self." Your gf may have self-esteem issues and feels she needs a lot of makeup to look good. She also may be feeling pressure from her peer group of females. Ultimately it's her choice, and you have to respect that. Makeup can really enhance the way a woman looks if it's done well, but it can also make her look artificial if it's overdone. Why not give her the gift of a professional makeup session? To me as a male, the most important thing is that a woman feel good about herself. That's REAL beauty.

I have PTSD onsets of anxiety, disossation, depression, anger, andd co-dependant. I am not on medication as they don't help. Only mask them. I have several failed relationships. How do I explain to a possible suitor I have these issues w/o scaring him away?

My advice would be to take care of yourself first before encountering the added stress and pressure of a relationship. The symptoms you describe are on the moderate to severe range and are really difficult to manage on your own. Do yourself a huge favor and get professional help. PTSD is very treatable provided you are with the right therapist. You do not need to continue to suffer. Even though you may think you are hiding your symptoms, they will soon appear, and any relationship will implode. You are far better off being happy from the inside out so that you can really enjoy a relationship. Make getting healthy and happy your number one priority before doing anything else. You will be very glad you did.

I'm being told that I shouldn't text to ask a girl out. Why not?

Even though a lot of communication goes through social media, remember that relationships are about people connecting to people. All of technology is great, but face-to-face with great eye contact still is the best way to go. After all, you're not interested in dating just an avatar.

My gf freaks out every time I even look at another female. How do I stop her?

It may be that your girlfriend is insecure. BUT, there are two kinds of looking. There is looking in a casual manner to appreciate, and there is being a pig about it. Which are you? If it's the first one, try explaining that while you might appreciate a piece of "art," it doesn't mean your are going to buy it. And you can do a lot to make her feel secure. If it's the second one (like with big eyes and your mouth open), stop being a pig.

Why would somebody switch sexes?

The transgender community faces a lot of scorn and criticism. For someone who isn't familiar with all the questions about yourself, it's hard to understand. The closest explanation would be to imagine yourself as you are right now, including how you feel about your own sexuality. Now imagine all those feelings and thoughts but your body is of the opposite sex. You are trapped in the wrong body. This is what some people go through. Your local Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender organization can provide you with a lot of education regarding the subject. They are an excellent source of information.

My gf gets really drunk every time we go out. What can I say to her to get her to stop?

Your gf is an alcoholic, or at the very least has an alcohol problem. She needs help, and you need help. You can go to Alanon and meet people who have the same problem you do. The one they love has a problem, and they are trying to take responsibility for fixing them. It doesn't work. Try telling your gf how much you care and that you are worried. Unfortunately, you may have to end the relationship if there is no progress.

When do you know if u r being too picky about finding someone?

I had someone come back to me after about 3 months. She had used our app, Love Shopping List, to develop her ideal relationship. The problem was that she thought a person had to have all of the characteristics in order for the relationship to work. Not true. If you use the app, you will see that there are five categories that relationships fall into. Even the highest one does not require a perfect score. After all, no one is perfect.

My husband says there’s nothing wrong with watching internet porn. Is that normal for guys?

It depends. I wouldn't say it's normal, but some isn't necessarily abnormal. On the other hand, internet addiction is one of the fastest growing problems today. I've treated quite a number of men and couples where the man has developed an internet porn addiction. Very difficult to treat.

My friends think I’m weird because I write poetry to my girlfriend. Am I?

No, you are actually a very sensitive person, which is great for a relationship. You haven't been sucked into the whole macho thing where the only emotion you can show is anger. Poetry is a great way to express feelings because it taps into creativity. Most song lyrics involve poetry, and no one would think that was weird. Keep up the good work. Be secure within yourself.

How can I get my mother to butt out of my life? I’m 17 but she treats me like I’m 7.

Try sitting down with her and thanking her for caring about you so much. Then explain that you need to make these decisions yourself, but you will be making some mistakes. We all do. That's one of the ways everyone learns. Most parents who made mistakes try to keep their children from making the same mistakes and become too protective. Getting angry won't work, so try getting her to be a teammate.

Why don’t guys understand the word NO?

Both males and females need to have clear communication. Some guys need to be hit over the head until they get it. But sometimes women do not send out clear signals. An example would be saying no with a smile on your face. That's a mixed message. It's the classic "No means maybe, and maybe means yes." There are three levels of communication when it comes to this topic - non-assertive, assertive, and aggressive. A non-assertive response might be, "Are you sure you want to do that?" And assertive response might be, "Please, don't do that anymore. It upsets me." But an aggressive response might be, "If you do that again, I will tear your testicles off and wear them as earrings." Let's just stick with the assertive response.

My son (19) is really upset about his gf’s. He says they all switch on him. I try to stay out of it, but he keeps asking for advice. Can you help?

As long as he is asking, you can answer. Otherwise, you should not interfere. Your son is not making good decisions about his relationships. This is probably because he doesn't know what he really wants. Since our app, Love Shopping List, is free, you can suggest it to him. It is designed to help people make better choices about their relationships. Please don't make the choices for him, or he'll never learn to do it on his own. Just give him a tool.

When is the right time to ask someone to go with you?

There is no specific time to ask. When the two of you feel that your relationship has progressed, you can discuss what "going out" means to both of you. That term has different meanings for different people. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but the two of you have to agree on what it means to your relationship, and there need to be some ground rules that both of you can abide by.

My boyfriend likes pda's. I'm not comfortable. What do I do?

Your boyfriend like to show off. He is using you as a trophy, which obviously you are saying makes you uncomfortable. You need to set firm boundaries. Not only is he making people around him uncomfortable by the pda's, but more importantly he is not showing respect for you. You need to retrain him (we males really are teachable, but sometimes we need our noses smacked with a newspaper!). Let him know what the consequences will be if he continues the behavior. Allowing a behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable is not okay.

My Twittah Sistah is totally outa control & always fightin wars daily wit all da A-holes. I can't take it no more.

The only way to control this is to not follow her so you don't get the tweets. Unfortunately, a lot of people see Twitter as a platform to vent. Just today a former professional football player went on a profanity-laced Twitter rant against the NFL (not that the NFL didn't deserve it). There will always be A-holes, but that doesn't mean you have to listen to every complaint about them all the time. Tell your Twittah Sistah that as Lawrence Fishburne says, "Calm the f--k down!!!"

What should I do about these guys who are contacting me on Facebook. I don't know them and I'm only 15. Its kinda scary.

You have to be REALLY careful. I have had quite a number of patients who have been contacted, and the person was not who they presented on Facebook. Remember, you also have control over who can contact you. Use your settings wisely. If there is anything suspicious, tell your parents or another adult.

Why is it that I always get hurt . I think I might be the problem ...

If you are always getting hurt, then most likely you are not choosing people who are right for you. That doesn't mean that you are necessarily the problem, but looking in the mirror is always a good way to check and see if anything needs to be adjusted. Have you thought about what you really need in a relationship, and are the people you are in a relationship with meeting those needs? As mentioned in the previous question, our app Love Shopping List, was designed to help you with that. Take time to really figure out what you are looking for. It will make a lot of difference. It may not prevent all hurt, but it will help.

Are good/bad relationships just learning experiences in preparation for when you find your "soulmate"?

That's one way to look at it. The problem is that it's all trial-and-error. You can't prevent all bad relationships, but you can help yourself in making good relationships by being careful about whom you choose. When we designed our Love Shopping List app, we knew it wasn't going to prevent people from having some bad experiences, but we know it can reduce the number of bad ones.

Will your app work for my mother? She is 47 and just getting back into the dating game. P.S. I’m 17. Thanks.

Not only will it work, she NEEDS it! Love Shopping List (our app) will help her make good choices and will ease your worry. You are a wonderful daughter for worrying about her. BTW, it will also help you make good choices in the future, too.


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