Dr. Andrew

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how do to love one who i don't like

If you could restate your question, I'll be happy to answer it. Are you asking how you love someone that you don't like?

تعرف عربي=))

My sincere apology. I tried to translate your question into English, but couldn't. I would be happy to answer your question if you resubmit it in English. I will check this week to see if anyone can translate it for me and will answer it next week if I can. We would like to answer all questions in all languages, but obviously it's not possible.

how do I find my love one who right for me

As we've mentioned before, our app Love Shopping List, was designed to help you decide who is right for you. It doesn't match you with anyone. It helps you decide if the person meets your needs by assisting you in defining characteristics that are really important to you and then helping you prioritize those characteristics. We have had so many people tell us how helpful it was and that it really made them think about what they wanted in a relationship. It's free in the Apple app store, so give it a try.

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Who pays for what at the wedding? My parents are upset they are being asked to split the cost of the wedding with my girlfriend's parents. Is there some rule?

A lot of these answers can be found in books and materials that are designed to clarify the "rules." A lot also depends on the culture, as well. In many countries now the costs are split between parents if both sets of parents are of equal means. The old idea in the U.S. that the brides parents pay for the wedding, and the grooms parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the liquor is really out the window. In some cultures the grooms parents pay for the wedding while the brides parents pay for the elaborate engagement party. Both sets of parents have to be honest about what they can realistically contribute. Unless parents are wealthy, it's unfair to have one set of parents shoulder the whole financial aspect of a wedding, especially if it's gotten really expensive. The two of you need to have an honest talk about what you want and not take a position of entitlement. I would think the last thing you would want is to put a large financial burden on either set of parents.

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My boyfriend wants to introduce me to molly. He says it will make our sex life better. What if I like Molly better?

For those of you who don't know, molly is a street name for a purer form of the recreational drug ecstasy (MDMA). It is the current rage at raves and has even been mentioned in some songs. It is a stimulant. As such it increases the senses, sometimes in a dangerous fashion. You don't say whether your bf uses other drugs. molly is not something to mess around with. There have been many reports of overdoses because it is a pure form. It sounds like your bf needs a lesson on the difference between sex and intimacy. If you are not into drugs, then simply state that. Don't ever be pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with.

My gf is mideastern & I’m a country boy from Oklahoma. No matter what I do her family doesn’t like me. My gf says to just ignore it, but it’s hard. Is my relationship going to work out?

Cross cultural relationships are really difficult at times. All you can do is try to show her family that you are honorable and respectful to her. You can't really ignore them. It will only make matters worse. She is being torn between being loyal to her culture and wanting to have a relationship with you. The two of you really would benefit from some professional help in this matter. Sometimes these obstacles are just too difficult to overcome, and the two of you will have to accept that. Only time and patience will tell if you relationship is going to work out. If you can, learn some of the basic words of her family's culture. Often times it indicates to the family you are trying very hard. It may not work, but it's certainly worth a try.

My bf keeps telling me I’m too sensitive when it comes to the things he says. It pisses me off, but I don’t know if he’s right. What do I do?

Your bf is not being respectful of your feelings. He is invalidating how you feel and is ignoring his responsibility in upsetting you, and you need to tell him this. Unless you are a complete basket case and cry at the drop of a hat, you are always entitled to be upset if he has been so insensitive as to say something that is upsetting to you. If you've been going together for awhile, he should already know what triggers you off. In a previous response several sessions ago I mentioned "I" statements. When you ... It makes me feel ... I need you to ... As an example: When you tell me I'm too sensitive, it makes me think you don't respect my feelings and are trying to blame me, which really upsets me. I need you to listen to me and take responsibility for the things you say if you value our relationship.

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Is there really a difference between male and female language? I think I need an interpreter .

This question comes up quite a bit in couples therapy and relationship counseling. As has been mentioned in a previous session, the male and female brains are different. Therefore they process information differently, which, in turn, means they respond differently. Here is an example. When a man offers help to another man, he believes the other man needs the help. When a woman offers help to another woman, it's all about connecting. If a man gets an offer of help and has not asked for it, he interprets it as an insult. If a woman does not get help without asking for it, she sees it as an insult. So when a man sees his female partner doing something all on her own, he steps back and admires her for her independence. But she is now pissed because he did not volunteer to help without being asked. Here is another example. A man and woman are driving on a trip. The woman asks, "Are you hungry?" The man replies, "Not really." WRONG!! She is really saying she is hungry, and now she's mad, but he has no idea why. All of this is just part of the fun of relationships, and it's been going on for a very long time. If you are really stuck, ask someone of your partner's gender to interpret.

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Okay so I like this girl and I have liked her for three years now , how do I get over her ? I think it's time . But it's really hard to get over her :/

You open by saying that you like this girl. Does that mean you still like her? If you still like her, then why do you need to get over her and why do you think it's time? If you need to break it off, then you need to be honest with her. It's always hard to get over a relationship that was involved. It indicates that there was depth to the relationship, and it wasn't just superficial. If it was just a surface relationship, you would not have any trouble getting over it. When a relationship spreads roots, it's like pulling a tree out of the ground. It's a shock to the system. The only treatment is time.

My boyfriend is texting girls more than me, and he gets mad if I text guys. What should I do?

It certainly sounds like your bf is trying to control you while keeping his options open. Definitely not a good situation. It is totally unreasonable that he wants you to play by a different set of rules than the ones he is playing with. You need to have a discussion with him and talk about the fact that relationships are a two way street and that the two of you are supposed to be equals. His actions sound like someone in junior high school. If two people are mature enough to have a relationship, they should act in a mature fashion and respect each other not try to control the other person.

Ive got the 4.99 version of Love Shopping List and I need to download all my data back cause I got a new phone. Can you help me?

Happily. Here is some needed tech support.
1. Download the app to your new phone.
2. Register your account with your original username and password.
3. Tap MORE
4. Go to Settings>RESTORE.
5. When you are asked if you want to restore the data, tap YES.
Your Cloud Account will download your most recent backup. DONE!
We make it easy.

My boyfriend talks to some girls more than me..what should I do?

Be an observer and listen to what they are talking about. If it's just chatter, he's just a friendly talker. Are the two of you talking about things that interest both of you? Without appearing jealous, have you addressed this with him? Find out what's going on before getting upset.

After 5 years of marriage I found evidence my wife has cheated on me multiple times even though she denies it. I’m willing to forgive her and move forward because I love her, but she won’t be honest with me. What do I do?

You are in a very difficult situation, and you have to draw a very clear boundary. Yes, your wife may have a sex addiction (yes, it's a real disorder). Before you can forgive her, she needs to acknowledge what has happened. Kudos to you for being willing to forgive, but relationships are a two way street. You need to seek the professional help of a marriage counselor in order to succeed. With no boundaries your situation is only going to get worse.

Are the scores accurate in the Love Shopping List app? My dates are all scoring very low and some even negative!

The scores are very accurate because the scores are YOUR scores. Scores range from a plus 100 all the way to a minus 100. Wow! All your dates are negative! You are dating people who don't meet your needs. You really have to think about why you are doing that.

I’m really attracted to my boss. We are both in our 40’s and single. I’ve dropped hints but he says it would not be a good idea even though he has feelings for me. What should I do?

You should listen to him. Of course, a lot depends on your office culture. Some companies see relationships in the workplace as beneficial. Despite the fact that both of you have feelings for each other, having this known at work can cause all kinds of difficulties. It could even jeopardize both of your careers. If you're sure he has feelings for you, see a counselor to help you resolve the situation in a productive fashion that enhance both of you.

We’ve been married for 31 years. Recently I have to almost beg my husband for sex. I’m worried this means he’s cheating. What do you think?

Cheating is a possibility, but before you get out the shears, he may also have a low testosterone level. Assuming that you are both in your 50's, this is a fairly common experience. There is a simple blood test to determine the T level, and there are prescription products available that help tremendous. You need to handle this delicately since he may be feeling ashamed that his libido has disappeared. BTW, another reason to have his T level checked is that low T can lead to osteoporosis, brittle bones, in men. There can be many reasons for diminished sexual activity in spouses married a long time. Cheating is generally not one of them.

My mother in law is constantly snooping when she comes over. I’ve seen her going through our things. My wife says I’m just being paranoid and it’s no big deal. Is this normal?

No, it's not normal, and yes, your mother-in-law is not being respectful of the two of you. Your wife needs to listen to you about your feelings. You and your wife could have some fun and plant some "information" for her to find. When your m-i-l finds it, she will think she hit the jackpot, and your wife will realize that you are not paranoid. Really, the two of you need to sit down with her and tell her that her snooping is really upsetting to BOTH of you. We love having you over, but please don't snoop.

My know it all boyfriend says there is no difference between men’s and women’s brains. I say he’s wrong. Who is right?

Tell your bf to start saving up for your reward. Modern technology has clearly demonstrated that the male and female brain are different in many respects. While women's brains tend to be smaller, they are much richer in the connections between the right half and left half. In most men's brains the left side is larger than the right. However, in women's brains both sides are mostly equal in size. When you combine these two aspects, women are much better able to utilize both sides of their brains to analyze a situation. The term "women's intuition" actually is the product of these two difference. Another difference is the amygdala, the brain's emotional center. It's much larger in women. So once a woman gets emotional, the amygdala takes over. Men call this the "lockbox effect." Everything the man has ever done wrong will be brought out of the lockbox. Tell him he is getting close to pissing you off and becoming emotional!! :-)

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Why can’t I save my comparisons in the Love Shopping List app? I really need to be able to easily see a list of my date's scores. I also want to see them sorted so the person with the highest score is first on my list.

One of the advantages of upgrading to the premium version is that you can not only save your comparisons, but Love Shopping List will sort them highest score to lowest or lowest to highest. You are in control. BTW every time you rethink your characteristics and priorities the app will help you rescore each of your comparisons.

Every time we double with this other couple the woman hits on me. My girlfriend gets really upset and says I should be upset too. How do I stop this?

The "other woman" has not been given a clear message that your bf is not interested. He doesn't need to be upset, but he does need to communicate what he means if he respects your feelings. You don't mention how the other man feels, but my guess is he is not comfortable either. Another possibility is that this woman is acting in a passive-aggressive fashion. Knowing that it visibly upsets you, she does it to irritate you. Either way, it's wrong. If she persists, you need to tell your bf that you are not comfortable going out with them anymore.

My bf wants me to wear things that are more sexy. He says if u got it flaunt it. I don’t think it’s right. What do I do?

Straight up, your bf sees women as sex objects. It's one thing to wear sexy things just for him, but when he wants to display you as a trophy, he's crossed the line. You obviously know what's right and wrong for you, and you need to set very clear boundaries. He is being extremely disrespectful asking you to do this. My guess is he treats women as second class and has little respect for them. Shame on him! If you really want to get him to think, go out to a bar with a girlfriend in a really sexy outfit. Have her shoot some pics of you, then get your butt out of the bar. Be sure the pics are wide enough to show that you were at a bar with other people. Send the pics to him, and ask him if that's what he meant. Ohhhh! Did he mean he only wants you to wear those outfits when you are with him?

How do I tell my best friend her bf is cheating on her??

Carefully, very carefully. All kidding aside, this is a difficult situation because it often winds up as "shoot the messenger," and that never feels good. Start out by telling your friend how much you really care and how much you really struggled with what you have to say. By all means make absolutely sure you are telling her facts and not just what you have heard. More than one friendship has been destroyed by a vicious rumor mill. Really good friends don't let friends get really hurt. Of course, your friend may tell you to f-o, but that should not stop you from doing the right thing. She will find out eventually, and when she does, she will return to thank you. It may take awhile, so be patient. BTW, I think you're a great friend for caring enough about your friend to even consider stepping in.

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i dont understand what you mean by im a minor in the uk the law has been recently changed allowing 14 years old to legally have sex and i am 17 so why would a 23 year old be scared of getting closer to me?

thank you for the update about the law in the uk. The other reasons beside being scared still hold, especially for a younger person. Without trying to put anyone down (i was once 17, too) brain maturity at that age is not the same as when someone is 23. so the real question is why would a 23 year old male want to go out with a 17 year old female unless it's the cultural norm. As a psychologist I'm always concerned about protecting the innocent, or in this case the young. After about age 25 small age differences are really irrelevant.

I've been in a difficult relationship for 4 years So I tried your app Love Shopping List. I saw from the scoring comparison that the reason we fought constantly was because she doesn’t meet my needs. I broke it off but can’t stop obsessing about her. WTF??????

Yours is not an unusual situation. The constant fighting was a sign that something was not right, and you were wise to pay attention to what you saw in front of you. Obviously, there were parts of your relationship that were nirvana, which is why it is so hard for you to let go. There is no magic formula. The internal conflict will diminish in time, but you will always have a special place for this relationship. If there were no good parts to the relationship, it would be much easier to let go. It's the good times that try to hook you back in, especially if she is pushing to get you back. If you really took time to identify your characteristics and priorities in Love Shopping List, you know full well you made the right decision. It's just very hard, and nothing anyone is going to tell you is going to make it easy to just drop it. If someone can just drop a relationship without conflicted emotions, it indicates it was not a solid relationship anyway.

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I am a 25 yo gay male & my partner is 26. I’m also Catholic, so I’m really in conflict. Any advice? My family is torturing me.

You are in a difficult situation. Without being critical of the Catholic church, you are basically invalidated as a person. In 2013 societal views on lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender relationships are changing. I would suggest you approach your local LGBT community, as I'm sure there are others who have experienced similar situations and are willing to share what they have learned. I am a firm believer that one should always be true to himself or herself. When you talk to others, they will offer ways of educating your family. I believe families should be based on unconditional love and acceptance. Both you and your family really need help to work through this so it doesn't become something that splits the family up.


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