Dr. Andrew

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We’ve got this weird situation. Me and my gf are friends with another couple. Lately it seems she is more interested in the other guy and I’m more interested in the other girl. We’re not sure how they feel about it. Is there a way to find out without blowing the friendship?

People who plant flowers in other people's gardens only wind up with weeds.

When is it okay for a girl to ask a guy out? there’s this guy in our school I really like and I think he likes me but he’s kind of shy. Should I just go for it?

It really depends on your personal feelings. Traditionalists feel that the guy should always ask the girl out. However, in 2015 most people will say it can work both ways. It really is up to you. So, if you are comfortable, go for it!!

I’m really worried my wife is becoming an alcoholic. Whenever we go out she has like 5 or six drinks. I’ve mentioned this but she says it doesn’t even give her a buzz. Does that many drinks make her an alcoholic?

The amount of alcohol alone usually does not signify alcoholism, but in her case the amount is definitely worrisome. Even though she says there is no buzz, unless she is drinking that amount over about 6 hours, she is impaired. If her behavior changes when she is drinking, it's another indication of problems. The other issue is that the amount of alcohol is very bad for her health. You may need the services of an interventionist who can guide you and the family to get your wife help.

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How can I tell if my gf has an eating disorder?

You don't say whether this is an anorexia - bulimia issue or an overeating issue. The most significant symptom is a fairly drastic change in weight. If your gf excuses herself whenever she eats, she may be having a scarf and barf behavior going on. If you find her hoarding food or closet eating, she has a different kind of a problem. Find out if others close to her have observed anything with her eating. Remember, an eating disorder is a huge problem and always requires professional intervention. Don't try to handle this yourself because that won't work.

My bf is obsessed with his body. Yes, he’s got a good one but he looks in every window and mirror we pass. It gets really old. I’ve said something to him but he says it makes him feel good about himself. Am I being too picky?

Here's what you have to consider. Ask yourself if there are any other indications that he is an egomaniac. If the answer is "no," then let him have his fun. If the answer is "yes," you will always be competing with him for his attention, and I'm sure you don't want to do that. People who like the way they look often check themselves out. They just normally don't admit that they do it, but they do. As long as there are no other behaviors that are problematic, follow @idinamenzel 's advice.

My gf went on a twitter rant about me. I’m really pissed but I’m trying to forgive her. She says she’s sorry but the damage is already done. I don’t know if I can trust her anymore. Is there a way to know?

Your gf made a foolish decision. Trust is a HUGE issue in relationships. When it's violated, it take a lot to repair the trust. Since I don't know what she says, there is no way to know if the damage is beyond repair. You will have to think long and hard whether you want to take that risk again. If she has anything close to this somewhat often, you need to ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who treats you that way. She probably has serious issues, but they should not become your issues.

I like this guy in my chem class and I think he likes me back. The problem is that is the only time during the day I see him. Do you think I should just give him my cell number so we can text?

You should talk with him in class when the opportunity presents itself and see if you can exchange numbers. That way you are letting him know you are interested in some type of relationship. You can send him cute messages, see how he responds, and then you will know.

Here’s the problem, doc. I live 2 hrs away from my gf. Whenever I go there she has a bunch of stuff to do. Is it too much to ask that when I make the drive I get her undivided attention? She says I’m being selfish and needy. I really love her but …

Being GU (geographically undesirable) makes relationships difficult. It seems that it IS too much to ask to get her undivided attention. It's like you are interfering in her daily routine. If you were going every day or every other day, that would be one thing, but a 2 hours drive is a long way (unless you are in Los Angeles, and then it could be 5 miles during rush hour). She should respect the time you are putting in. I'm sure she would not appreciate your treatment if you did the same to her. All you can do is talk with her. If she's still not willing to at least acknowledge your feelings and compromise with you, you need to move on.

I told my crush on fb that I liked her and she didn't say anything back I poured my feeling for her and all she did was see it and it's been almost a week now and idk what to do! I'm bi btw idk If that's what scared her ?

Even though you thought it was ok to do on fb, maybe she did not. Even many young people believe that such feelings should be reserved for privacy between individuals. You certainly may have scared her. You should ask to talk to her (don't do this on social media). Explain that you were only trying to express your true feelings and understand if she was rattled by having it posted. She will decide what she wants to do, and you will have to live with her decision. She may have viewed what you did as cyberstalking.

I don't know if I'm too late, but last week I told you about my bf who is always horny at inappropriate times. Well anyways I ended up taking him to work w/ me and everything went fine! I told him my concerns afterwards and we both had a laugh about it, and agreed to be more open 2 each other. Thk U

Thanks for sharing. It's always great to hear when things work out. Glad the two of you could laugh about it.

My husband has a really important job. He always wants me to go with him to work events. I feel very self conscious because I don’t have the education all these other people have. I’ve tried to tell him but he says I’m just being silly. What do I do?

Obviously, this is a self esteem issue. Your husband is very proud of who you are. He is happy to introduce you to his work mates and truly believes it will make him look good in the process. Most people will judge you by the kind of person you are, not how much education you have. If they are judging you solely on your education, you don't want them around anyway. With regards to your education, one of my patients is 49, and she just completed her Bachelor's degree. She had gotten married fairly young and raised a family but always felt self conscious. Six years ago I convinced her to go back and get the education she always wanted. She never thought she was "smart" enough to do it, but --- voila! By the way, it also sets a great example for kids when they see a parent getting more education.

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Me and this guy have been etalking for about a month. I would really like to meet him but I’ve heard all kinds of horror stories about this type of situation. How can I get some info on him before so I know he’s for real?

There are a number of online services that will do a very thorough background check on someone for not that much money. If you are serious about meeting him, it would certainly seem like a worthwhile investment in your safety and your future, especially since you have some fear. If he is who he says he is, have a great time.

This couple friends of ours haven’t gotten over being teenagers. They act and dress like they are still 18. She was best friends with my wife all through school and my wife is trying to keep them as friends. Is there a nice way to tell them they need to grow up?

People "grow up" at different rates, even as adults. You can choose to put up with them by continuing to go out or do things as families, or you can hit the hold button on the relationship and hope to reconnect at a later date. I can understand why your wife would want to keep the long time friendship, but sometimes we outgrow some of our friends as we get a bit older and wiser. It sounds like you two are beginning to have different values than they have. It doesn't make one right or one wrong, just different. Respect who they are, but that doesn't mean you have to engage in the same activities or behaviors.

Not long ago this guy I liked moved away. I was crushed and really depressed. His family moved back into town. I think he still has feelings for me but I am super scared about him going away again. It was too painful. How do I get past that?

If you both still have feelings for each other, be brave and take the leap. You were separated because of a move, not because something was wrong. I can certainly understand that it was very painful, but that is an indication of how close the two of you really were. Don't let your pain get in the way of your pleasure.

My boss is not married and I’m not either. Lately he’s been flirting with me. I kind of like him. Is this an okay thing to do if we go out?

It really depends on the company policy. In many large companies, such relationships are frowned upon, while at others, since neither of you is married, there's nothing wrong. Be sure you just aren't being played, and also be sure that if the relationship doesn't work out, it won't affect your job. I know many couples that started out working together and it developed into a life long thing. I've also seen work place relationships blow up on both people. Maybe the two of you should have an honest discussion with each other.

Is it true that certain drugs can make sex better?

It depends on what your definition of "better" is. No drug can make a person a good lover. That comes with experience, respect, and understanding. Some drugs can give a heightened sense of awareness, but that's about it. The more a couple understands the anatomy and physiology of her/his partner's sexual response, the better and more enjoyable the sex will be. There is no quick fix to becoming a good lover.

Me and my bf want to get married after high school. We have been going together since middle school. Everyone keeps telling us to wait. Is there a way to know if it will work?

First, there is absolutely no exact way to know if it will work or not. Certainly, there are young couples who got married right out of high school and are still married, but that is the exception rather than the rule. Unless there is a need to rush it, I would suggest taking your time. Very often people change quite a bit from after high school to about 22-25. Sometimes that creates a mismatch. Marriage is a huge, life-altering step. The fact you have been going together since middle school is both a positive and negative. It's great that you've gotten along so well for so many years, but it has also limited both of you in your experiences with others. Be patient.

Dr.Andrew I love this guy but he doesn't return my feelings (I don't know this I'm afraid to ask) I've tried moving on but I can't when he's constantly talking to me and joking around with me he knows how I feel and I feel like he doesn't want me to stop loving him what do I do?

It sounds like he is returning your feelings, just not in the same "language" that you use. If he keeps joking around with you and talking with you, he has feelings for you. Sometimes it's harder for guys to express those kinds of emotions. Just keep doing what you are doing. Pretty soon all will be revealed.

There's this guy that I really like and he's bisexual like me. The thing is he he's out of the closet and I'm not and don't plan on coming out anytime soon so what should I do?

The best thing to do here is to find someone else. Since you are not comfortable coming out, you don't want to be around when people discover things that will become obvious.

I like BDSM a lot, but it's not a requirement when I'm looking for a partner. However in your opinion could my love of BDSM eventually ruin my sex life if I were to end up with a vanilla partner?

Intimacy is about both partners having their needs met. If one partner is not getting her or his needs met, it tends to ruin the party. Your situation would not automatically be ruined, but it would certainly make things more difficulty for you.

I met this guy 4 years ago and I still know him we're in the same class we've been friends for 1 year we used to argue a lot and during the summer he apologized but I said I couldn't handle being just friends with him he kept talking to me after that day I like him I don't know if he likes me back?

Talk to him. Be brave enough to tell him how you feel. He may not feel the same way, but you would certainly want to find out. You have already told him you wanted more than a friendship, and that didn't scare him away. Just enough the relationship and let it flow in whatever direction it takes.

I've loved this girl since I was in 11th grade, it's been many yrs since then and I still really like her. For some reason though I can never bring myself to tell her how I feel. When we talk I just get choked up and can't say anything. what's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you other than maybe you are a bit shy. If you are having trouble saying it in person, write her a heartfelt note (handwritten not digital). Just make sure the door is still open on her because I would hate for you to get shut down. That would only make you more hesitant to talk about how you feel.

This is silly, but sex seems to always be on my bfs mind. I can tell when he's bored because I can see his boner. I'm planning to take him 2 wrk w/ me & I work w/ kids. I'm nervous he'll get bored & get aroused at the WRONG time and people will think he's a freak. How do I bring this 2 his attention

He's not bored. He's horny. I would think you've been places socially with him and he doesn't get aroused, so I'm not sure why you would think this would occur at your work. However, if you have had bad experiences with this, then I will give you two pieces of advice. First, don't take him with you to work. Second, get a new bf because there's something wrong with this one.

I've never had sex before and I don't masturbate. does that mean I'll have a hard time "reaching completion" when I'm with a girl?

Not necessarily. Unless there is something medically wrong, your body will know what to do when the time comes (pun intended).

My bf calls out from work a lot lately. He's never been one to do that, but I feel like something's upsetting him but he won't say what. How do I get him to talk to me about it.

Many men tend to clam up about any emotions other than anger. All you can do is to tell him that it's clear to you that he is upset and that if he needs to talk, you are there for him. If he feels totally safe, he will trust you ... unless the issue is you. But you should still let him know he can talk to you if he feels like it.


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