I'm going to make myself bhurji, cover them in ketchup & tell myself it is Humpty Dumpty🥚

I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now

I was extremely social this weekend and as a reward I'll not talk to anyone for the next 3 months 🕴️🤐🤐🤐

I just want to pull out that prank where you fill her hair dryer with talcum powder and glitter and turn her into a sparkly ghost 👻

[[being boiled alive in a witch's soup]]
Witch👹 (smacking me with her broom): STOP *smack* DRINKING *smack* YOUR *smack* OWN *smack* SOUP *smacksmacksmack* 💢💢💢💢

A girl sucking her tummy in when put on a weighing machine or for a picture to make her tummy look flat

Found my missing t-shirt and my stolen shawarma when my brother posted an Instagram story of himself wearing my t-shirt and eating my shawarma. 😒😑
People like him go missing. 💯⚰️🔮🎭

Goat: BAAAAAAAA!! 🐐
Me: SHHHHHH!! 🤐
Goat: BAAAAAAAA!! 🐐
Me: SHHHH!! 🤐
Goat: ........!! 👀
Me: BAAAAAAAA!!!! 🐐

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse. 💢💢💢💥💥💥