6:09am, as the year is beginning.
I've pulled at all nighter because I'm so caught up in thinking about the morning.
As I lay here, I finally got time to think.
I finally came to terms with "me" and my actions.
I was asked for closure, in which I ran away from. Time and time again.
Was I happy? I questioned if I ever felt truly happy.
I took so much time to myself just to figure out what felt better, the solitude or the people around me?
Shortly after, I realized, solitude. I felt happier, I felt better. The moment I re-entered those people's lives, I felt anxiety. I felt depression again.
I felt so much stress to the point my body resorted to deteriorating itself.
I decided, I didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted to feel happy, too.
I wanted to feel something that was out of a good nature.
So I shut down emotionally, entirely.
I didn't want to fight anymore, so I gave it all up.
I was asked, why would I let go? "You never loved me"
I was cornered by fear, that a night like that would happen again. I kept retrying because I was stupidily afraid.
I suffered countless nights blaming myself for it. Some nights would be hell.
I remember crying all night, at those actions.
Being the cause of someone's existence to be erased. The thought.
Guilted.
Subconcious fears.
Reoccuring nightmares.
PTSD.
I could have never mustered up the ability to forgive you. I held it against you. I still do.
It's amazing how much has been progressed since I've made that decision.
I've certainly made a difference.
The people that I've surrounded myself with, loved me wholeheartedly, without expectation.
A clan, that feels like family.
I'm now a tutor to an entire classroom who loves me dearly.
I've made some new friends who I spend time with everyday.
I have someone new that I hold closely to my heart, thank you, for teaching me how to accept love, how to be vulnerable, to be communicative and to not be afriad.
To my best friend who has stood beside me and supported me for the entirety, thank you for always loving me. Staying with me no matter the decisions I've made.
To you,
Thank you for teaching me patience.
I've always ran away from you.
This is my way of confronting those feelings.
I've finally made it.
My last post to ever surface on the internet, thank you for reading.
- Ice
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