Zoë “GhostAss” Quinn

The same advice I'd give to anyone looking for relationships they don't currently have. Get comfy being alone. It sounds shitty or depressing but I swear it isn't. Being able to keep yourself company and moving your sense of validation from external to internal is one of the best tools you'll have to go forward making any kind of relationship in your life, be it community, romantic, or otherwise.

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If you're comfortable being alone, you won't *need* to keep people in your life who are harmful for you to have around. There will always be the pleasant option of being on your own, or only with the select people you choose to keep around. Being with people becomes a situation where you're doing so because you're already personally fulfilled, but their company is even better, instead of trying to fill gaps in your heart with other people. You choose to invest in people and your relationships with them instead of falling into ones that are actively harmful for you. This doesn't mean bailing on someone the second they fuck up or when things get hard, though, it just means that the people you stick by, you do so because you believe in them and care about them, not just because you feel like you have to out of loneliness.

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This likely doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me. I'm perfectly happy in relative isolation these days - this was not always the case. I'm happy to keep to myself, work on my projects, do my volunteer work, and explore the world. But the people I keep around and am close to? They make everything better.

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Ok so, obviously I don't know this girl and there's no one-size-fits-all on social cues, but it'd likely be fine to say hi depending on how you go about it. This is with a HUGE caveat - if she looks like she's giving any indication that she *does not want to talk*, don't approach her. Personally for me these are having headphones on (don't get her attention or try to get her to take them off), intently looking at her phone, reading, or anything that makes her seem anything other than bored. Honestly your best bet is probably to go talk to her AND her friends - it can be kind of nervewracking or awkward to feel alone and stuck talking to someone, plus generally random guys are less stressful to deal with if you've got friends with you.

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It's good you wanna learn about her first. I'd suggest approaching her with that - ask her about something she's wearing if there's like a band or something on it, or if she's got particularly cool shoes. Try to do it in a "oh hey that's neat" way instead of an interrogation. It's better than just walking up and going "I've seen you around here a lot" because there's a million different ways that can come off the wrong way. Talk to her friends too, ideally. It's so much easier to make smalltalk if there's a bunch of people doing the talking. If it doesn't go anywhere, that's cool too - just depart and wish her a good day.

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Basically just try to be pleasant, noninvasive, and respectful of personal space. Think less in terms of dating and moves, and more about just making small talk with a stranger you've seen around a bunch. Plus if you keep it light, neither of you have to feel weird about seeing each other around if things don't go well.

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I'd politely request you change your thinking. While I'm really glad that I was able to help you in some way, I'm still a person. Well, cyborg. I'm going to fuck up. Probably a lot. Probably pretty badly on occasion. I've got some pretty deep flaws that I'm working on, but everything is a process and working with flaws isn't so much about becoming a flawless person eventually as it is mitigating the ways those flaws fuck with things.

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The problem with anyone being thought of as a hero OR a villain is that it keeps us fixed in place. Expectations are set. Mistakes a "hero" makes feel like a betrayal or are instantly forgiven, legitimately good acts in good faith that a "villain" performs are handwaved or made out to be a trick. Regardless of if you're on a pedestal or in a pit, there's a long way to go before you reach solid ground. Instead of thinking of a person as a whole, they become a symbol. I twitch when people use my first and last name when talking to me for this reason - people who do this usually are engaging with me on a symbolic level and sound like they're using a search term almost instead of the name of a friend.

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It's a hard thing to navigate, the differences between zoe-the-person and zoe-the-symbol, like having a split identity - one that belongs to me, and another that belongs to the world at large that I have no control over and may be based on things that have little to do with me as a person. Part of me is public property now, for better or worse, with all the unasked for power and scrutiny that comes with it. I try and do my best to be aware of it and act accordingly - too often people misuse their influence or wield it hurtfully without realizing it. But once you've got a certain size of platform, pretending it doesn't exist or being genuinely ignorant of the influence that comes with visibility is reckless. It's a lot of responsibility and you *have* to step it the fuck up and be careful.

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It's not easy to be a messy person that suddenly some folks think of as a hero. I don't want to be looked up to, I want to be looked in the eyes. If that makes sense.

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I can tell you right now that I am not living the life I thought I'd be living even a year ago.

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Plans change all the damn time. It's ridiculous the way there seems to be an expectation to have stayed the same person in stasis your whole life. The standard narrative about college, even, has always confused the shit out of me - who the fuck knows anything, much less what they want to do for the rest of their life, at age 18? You haven't even SEEN anything yet.

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Personally I think it's a bit silly for people to expect that there's one "life" that suits them that they just need to find. When I say life, I don't mean like, mortality or something - I more mean all the things that make up a life at any given time. Friends, locations, jobs, lovers, hobbies, habits, the day to days. Why not live many, if that's what makes you happy?

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It's ok to change your mind. It's ok to reinvent yourself. Some people find their one thing early on and are happy and fulfilled by that, but I'd wager most people aren't. You're clearly not.

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Beyond that, even if you don't want to change your mind, life doesn't give a fuck about your plans so having a bit of flexibility and being able to cope isn't a bad life skill to have. Illness happens. Job markets change. Shit happens. A person who thinks they have full control over their life and how it plays out are the silliest of gooses.

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Ask for help, if you can. Any time I feel too lost in the woods I try to recognize that I'm unlikely to be able to simply boostrap out of it, and if you're feeling like you've failed because you can't, just know that everyone needs help sometimes. It doesn't mean weakness, people are social creatures for a reason, and the greatest strength that we have is our ability to help each other. You aren't alone in this.

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Asking for help can mean a number of things - you might already know what works best for you. Sometimes it's trying to seek professional help if you're in a position where you can do that, but a lot of people aren't. Schools sometimes have counselors that can talk to. If that's not working for you, talking with a supportive friend might be enough. Failing that, there's stuff like 7 cups of tea that'll let you talk online to counselors: http://www.7cups.com/ There's always falling into online communities too that deal with this stuff and anonymously talking there.

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Whatever you do, try to keep talking and reaching out, even when it feels impossible. It's ok if there are days you can't. If your depression is anything like mine, your brain will make this really really fucking hard, and it's not a failure to be able to push through it and do the things you know you "should" be doing because it's the nature of the problem - you're not fucking up any more than a person with a broken leg would be fucking up from not being able to force themselves to climb a flight of stairs.

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For me, finding anything I can do that makes me feel okish about myself helps too. Sometimes this is playing a game I'm good at, sometimes it's making a tiny thing. Anything you can do to remind yourself that you're a valuable person despite what the tapes playing in your brain might say can help keep some folks going.

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I really really hope stuff gets easier for you. My thoughts are with you.

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Nope. Not bad at all. You keep on doing what you're doing since you sound content with yourself outside of outside societal expectations. "Should" is one of the worst words, seriously. There's no one size fits all path with anything when it comes to life, especially in something as complex as romantic relationships. It's doubly frustrating because the dominant cultural narratives we have about dating and sex and love tend to be extremely unhealthy and explicitly focused on archaic heterosexual monogamous gender roles and weird mindgames where the goal is to act the least invested in someone you're trying to form a bond with. Like... what? How does that make any sense? Spoiler alert: it fucking doesn't.

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I can understand feeling left out though. The world around us definitely doesn't make it easy to do your own thing when that own thing falls outside the roadmap that gets pushed into our faces from a young age. If I can't offer exact advice on how to deal with that (lord knows I'm still working on figuring that out for myself and you're a totally different person), I can at least offer this: you're fine. You're beautiful. Being 20 and not having dated or kissed anyone is perfectly valid and anyone who tells you otherwise is projecting.

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Nope! You're fine. The thing is what I've learned about myself and what my specific wants/needs are will vary tremendously from the next person. I have lived a very weird and complicated life, and let's face it, dating me at this point is dating on expert mode. Most people will not have to worry if their partner can handle a lot of the things that just happen to exist in my day to day life. I need someone who can deal with the fact that I get constant threats and other bullshit and not break so badly over it that I end up comforting *them* over bad shit that happens to *me*. I need someone who won't care that there are people out there who scream about their fictionalized idea of who I am on a constant basis. I need someone who won't thoughtlessly put me, or themselves, in danger by saying or doing something publicly revealing. I need someone who won't treat me like a hero, villain, or spectacle. Worse still, if they fail at any of these things the stakes are damn near catastrophic for me. The last thing I can deal with is another nightmare ex, and it'd be easier than ever for someone close to me to totally fucking destroy me if they wanted to - there's already a built in club for them to join complete with their own mascot and community sites.

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When people talk about trust, they usually talk about if a person is likely to mislead them. Trust operates on another level though, a level where you can have faith in the other person's ability to do the correct thing without having to be told. I require an ungodly amount of trust in this department. Kind of an unfair amount, honestly. I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but I need to be able to trust that whoever I bring into my life isn't going to accidentally destroy it, despite all intentions.

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These are not normal people problems though. It's totally 100% fine to not have dating experience at your age, or anyone's age. Everyone's got their own shit, life's just about finding people who match up well with yours.

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Fortunately for you, you're much much much more likely to find someone who is compatible with your level of experience and needs than I am to find one with mine. So please, don't think my bleakness and standards are anyone else's. I'm a stranger in a strange land now.

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I feel like people should chill the fuck out and stop fussing over what faces people make in selfies. Especially since guys tend to do this "dead eyed stare" face that seems to be trying too hard to look like they're not too invested in their own image or in taking the photo, which is honestly more ridiculous than a girl making a duck face. Gimmie someone who is down to be goofy over someone who is participating in an activity while also acting like they're too good to be participating in that activity.

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I get it though. I never know what to do with my face in pictures either, and I usually feel like a huge goober no matter how they come out. There's too much weird pressure around looking like you care *just the right amount* to be attractive, but *not quite enough* to seem like you're trying too hard. To look juuuuust sexy enough for people to like you, but not like you want people to think you're sexy at the same time. That whole dichotomy is a trap though, so I'm trying to give less of a flying fuck.

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It's a process.

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Ok let's just answer all of these at once since people apparently REALLY wanna know if I would date fictional monster people. I guess we're doing this. Undertale spoilers will obviously follow.

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Here's why I wouldn't date the other undertale characters:

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Toriel - Snails and fire magic are cool and all but I hate getting fussed over and I *definitely* can't deal with people who would try to stop me from doing what I wanted because they thought they knew what was best for me. Also, hung up on an ex. No thanks.

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Papyrus - He'd be like the best bud ever why would I ever wanna make that weird? Besides, no romantic experience. I'd want someone with relationship skills. He seems like he'd freak out and fall apart at the first sign of conflict and I'm too old for that shit. And I bet you anything if you ended up living together you'd have to solve a shitty puzzle to make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night and who has TIME for that?

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Alphys - Girl needs to sort some shit out. Dating anyone in a period in their life where they're undergoing major identity upheaval is a risky proposition. They're likely going to come out of that period a very different person. Given her history, I'd worry that she'd hang too much of her sense of self-worth on the approval of whoever she is with, trying to force herself to be more like her idea of them, and that's a heavy thing to put on another person romantically. Not to mention all of the problems inherent with dating someone who can't stand themselves. Even then I'm not sure what she'd bring to the table in terms of being with someone before accepting herself - if it's simply a worshippy type cheerleader thing, I know personally I get bored of that almost immediately. It makes for a weird power dynamic. It seems like the kind of relationship where she'd heap praise on you but refuse any kindness from you, returning it with talk about how much she thinks she sucks, and that sounds incredibly frustrating all around.

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Asgore - Suuuuper hung up on an ex. Also: murders children. Kind of a bummer, that.

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Muffet - If I see a spider I basically squeak and run the fuck away. Because I'm a cool adult. If not for that though, yeah I could see that, she's basically a spidery riot grrrl lolita and I respect that.

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