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That this pain ends, the physical and the hidden one. That my mum understands me, my needs, my urgent demand of privacy that she doesn't appreciate so much.. how do I convince her that I definitely can't have anybody in my life at least for some years, really it's painful when you're not understood, and even can't explain well, to make them understand.. the only way out seems very clear and attracting me as a peaceful endless dark silent shelter, it seems so, but only the fear of the unknown stops me.. or, maybe this time I'm holding on? Maybe when we reach the point that we question we feel anything at all of what's around us, which is really beautiful, and really making effort to make us feel that beauty, but, there's always a "but", it doesn't really touch our hearts, maybe then we decide that living or dying are the same, same amount of pain, same indifference.. my soul seems immune to beauty and peace, it has made a wall of cold stone around it, telling my heart, "don't you dare try to open it, or take a peak." My soul is very strict ha?.. it is really sick, of the sick being it's trapped within, which is my poor cold empty entity, and I'm sorry for that, my soul.

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