@carlhaneke

Carl Haneke

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Tell everyone about how you came back from the grave

So I was getting out of my first shower since 2003, I slipped and fell on my already fractured fibia. I was sent to heaven by almighty god of swag Bryan Silva. I soon realized I was late for my daily quadratic equation practice, so I asked the Bryan Silva if I could venture out into Mrs. Murray's room to study more trigonometry. The God of Swag requested that I lend him 5 swagz. I accepted that request and sent him 5 of my 41 swagz via gameboy link cable trade. As I drifted down to Earth, I heard a faint whisper from above. Our almighty lord and savior Bryan Silva proclaimed "That FuFu shit I ain't wit' it, I'll send some shots at your fitted, gratata, swag bitch". My heart lifted as I heard the best combination of 17 words ever used. As I was practicing multiplying and dividing polynomials in Algebra class, I looked down at my phone and realized the God of Swag followed me on Vine. My fractured fibia healed 93% faster than predicted by Dr. Pudoo Patell from that point on, and I prayed to Bryan Silva every night from then.

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no I'm the MVP. you're crusty and a bleep

piper dowler
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

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What is your idea of a romantic evening?

We go to a high dollar restaurant. I'm talkin 4 star KFC meals. So after we eat, we go to the Holiday Inn hotel. I spread rose petals across the floor, dim the lights, draw a transmutation circle and sacrifice her body to the dark lord satan.
Liked by: James Morton

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Language: English