So after that, I just tried to stay steady in my life. I was hurt, yes, but not as hurt as I was over Josie; I was still recovering after that, Christina was just temporary. So I continued working, hanging out with friends I met in my apartment complex, nothing more, really. They are pretty cool actually. I haven't had friends in the longest. It's honestly some guy who's going through a lot too, his ex. I mostly hang out with them every other day. That was until I caught Covid. Yeah, about two Sunday's ago I got one morning and was like "Yeah, I feel weird. Different. Sick? I'm calling off work." A week later, after getting tested, I had Covid! Yay. So this whole time I've been quarantining in my and my brothers room. Yes, I live with my family. None of them have symptoms. They all got checked a little before me and their results were negative. About a week ago the same with my little brother and mom. They were also negative. This whole time I've just been in here, lonely, sad and contemplating life. I met a girl off Tinder and things were great for about a week. She was cool af and definitely was into me. But about a week later she unmatched me off Tinder and then I knew something was up. I told her about it and she freaked a bit. Was like "Are you stalking my Tinder?" I was like "No. I just noticed you unmatched me, how come?" She said it was because she already had my number and snap, but I was like...so? I told that I had believed it was because she didn't want it to get awkward as she continued using Tinder. She freaked and said that we weren't going to work out and that I came on too strong; which for the record, I kinda did, but when a girl is into you, it doesn't matter. She was obviously not into me as unmatching me off Tinder was a clearly the sign of that but I honestly didn't care. I wanted something and I let her know it by the 4th day of us talking. Me coming on to strong was telling her that I wanted to kiss her see her, hug her and do a lot of things with her. She also said I was too sensitive, which tbh, I was but that's because I didn't really get back the vibes I wanted from her and I really wanted to make sure she liked me. So a borderline obese, single mom living off child support and foodstamps didn't want me ya'll. I legit was the sweetest fucking guy to her and she didn't want it..despite telling me how fucked over by guys she's been in the past. Okay. I'm tired of scrapping the bottom of the barrel for the smallest amount of comfort. anyways, we got into small argument, nothing bad, but she blocked my number. Go figure. I just want to meet someone already. I just want to finally feel wanted and love to show her self to me already.

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Damn, it's been awhile. A lot has gone on since my last entry. I did get the job. Yay. I made a bit of money. Yay. However, I caught Covid in the last month so I've been off work for about 3 weeks now and I haven't spoken to Josie in almost 2 months..Yay. No, things honestly haven't been too good. So where was I? After my last entry I met a girl I was super into on Tinder. Yup. She lived 20 minutes from me and was super into me since the night we matched. In just a week we vibed ultra well and I went to meet her one night before work (I started working over night) She liked me. Liked really liked me and asked if I liked her. Things were great. She was exactly my type and definitely could've seen a relationship with her. Perfect. But of course, you know life has something different in store. She seemed really into me. Made me music playlist, gave me attention, validated me, everything that would point to wanting something with me. Than one day we had a small argument and she decided we shouldn't speak anymore. Okay. A week later, I checked Josie's FB out of desperation and seen she was obviously crushing on someone. That crushed me instead and it forced me to take back my words and apologize to Christina (The girl who supposedly was my GF) for shit that I didn't need to. I was in shock and desperate yet again and needed something that would fix my emotions. I had nothing left to lose so I hit her up and we met that night and things were even better this time round. Happy ending, right? Of course not. About a week later, I had to postpone seeing her as I didn't have a car for the exact time I said I was going to go visit her. She freaked out and said she was going to take a nap, despite me insisting I'd be there, just an hour later instead. She ignored me up until the next night where she proceeded to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Than blocked me. That was that. After all the effort I put in and all the shit she told me, like she made me feel like this was going somewhere with all the romantic shit she would tell me. To just drop me like that? Evil. Cold hearted. I carried on, broken after that because I had finally met someone who I actually liked and gave me hope after Josie when I thought there would never be any. I felt like she was it for a time. I had got my heart used and broken and Christina was it. She was the girl that comes into your life after and gives you what you really wanted because that's how life's suppose to go, right? Nope. Fucked over again. So instead of being a dick, I left her with some good words of encouragement and that was it. About a month later and she popped up in my Instagram DM's and asked how I been. This was it! She realized her mistakes and that I was good to her and she was sorry and was going to fix it after saying how much she missed me! Nope. She wanted nothing but conversation because she was lonely. That was all. Nothing about me or my feelings. I told her to fuk off.

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So last Tuesday was the last time I spoke to Josie. We had agreed that we should take a friend break and she told me to talk to her again when things were right. However, I switched that up and told her to talk to me again when she felt things were right (After I made her uncomfortable and said all that dumb shit I shouldn't have on Monday) Anyways, here we are. A little over a week and I already miss her. At the time I was subscribed to her Snapchat. I realized why we were able to speak was because of that. On Friday, it was her sons birthday and I seen her hanging around lots of "friends" (Guys) and I decided to just unsubscribe because what's the point? I honestly didn't want to keep looking at her story post when I needed to put her out my mind instead. However, I wonder if she noticed anytime since then that I was no longer on her snap friend list. Not only that, but I reactivated my Facebook and uploaded a new pic; I had unfriended her day's prior. I also wonder if she's noticed and took this as an act of never wanting to speak to her again; which is not true. So I'm sat here, conflicted if we'll ever speak again because of my actions, not so much of her will, but because of this past couple of things. I was thinking of adding her again next Tuesday on Facebook. I just want things to go back to the way they were. However, I'm not entirely sure if they will or if that's not enough time. I mean, I have no problem with giving her space and if we never speak again than so be it, but I can't help but feel she'll never say something to me because she may believe I want nothing to do with her anymore..sooo. Once I start my new job, I'll add her for sure. I'm not certain how things will play out or if things will ever go back to being the same but I'm going to try. I don't want to give it too much time because what if she forgets about me entirely and adding me at that point just wouldn't be the same. At least in the next two weeks I have a chance of things going back to the same and who know, maybe there will be some potential. Maybe things will be better this time around. For sure, if things don't go back or get better, I'll leave it at that and call it done, forever. I'll have no choice but to move on entirely and I accept that.

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Pt.2 - NGL that shit turned me on and I proceeded to let her know what I thought about her body. I said some dirty things and she just laughed and commented on the remark about the back tattoos she had. I asked if I could see them and she said "maybe later idk" So I added her back on snap at that time and wanted to turn the heat up. Maybe this is what she wants? So I asked her what she was doing, hoping for her to ask the same so I could say some dirty shit. I needed to know how far I could push it. Than flat out said I was going to jerk off to the thought of us fkn and she exclaimed "Duuude dont tell me that lmao" So I asked her to tell my dck was big again and she said na were friends fo sho. I always hated that. Then I told if we could be friends but mess around and she said nope. That hurt because she didn't want in that way anymore. So I let her know how I felt and about it, I was pissed. Told her that it was okay for to do that shit, fuck things up, but not me. Told her that she fucked this all up by making it about more than friends the night we first met. I blocked her after that. No more. I had so much potential for this one. I believed it was fate. Just the way she came into my life, like we've been searching for each other for decades and here we were. It hurts man. I fell so hard for her. We lived so close, like I thought I was everything she was looking for too. I wished never added me on FB. I just wish she never popped into my life cuz it hurts knowing that its already over. I didn't need this. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this. Why was she from my childhood? Why from a place so dear to my heart and everything I've wanted. Just why did this have to happen to me. I should've known better, but I was stupid. Should've listened to my intuition the very first day, not my heart. She's gunna be fine. She doesn't give a fuck, she says she sad about it but she isn't. She's probably already back talking to other guys and laughing. Wasn't even that long. Knew her just a little over two months today but it felt like forever. That would have been nice. I'm just glad it's over. It's for the best. I just can't believe the universe would bring us together like this and not let it be. I'm so heart broken

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Pt.1 -Be stupid, naive. Well, it had to end sometime. We're done. We never even really got a chance. After about a month of playing "does she? Will she?" I finally faced my emotions yesterday. I was going to drive to Josies home and tell her how I felt. That didn't happen. I was bold and told her I was going to stop by and see her and she said "Nooo lol" than I asked her why and she was like "Cause lol" Than I asked her if it was her looks or she was lazy and she said she was seeing a friend. I panicked and asked if was anyone I knew? She said nope and why I wanted details. Said "Friends don't ask this stuff, ME, you're being weird. Chill." Anyways, I couldn't help but feel it was a guy she was seeing and I was going to go off on a rant but instead told her how I felt through snap videos. I went all out, like I never done before. Told her we should be together, give it a shot, give it a chance, I like her. Than I said I was going to be off social media for a while than closed it without hearing her, cuz, well, I told her my number is still open if you really want something or to take things slow. Hours later she never texted and I decided to see what she had wrote on snap. Pretty much, from that Saturday, nothing changed. After all this time. I mean, It's been two months since we've known eachother and if she doesn't know by if we're worth it, than it's doomed and I knew it was time to face it. You can't blame me, she was everything I wanted, popped into my life at the perfect time and wanted me. What would you do? It felt like fucking fate. I fell so fucking hard and it's her fault. She showed me so much more potential and then fucking shut me down. So after that I spent the following month and half coping, being her friend, light flirting, figuring it was going to go some where, it had too! I knew she liked me, she just was dealing with emotional Ex trauma. But then here we are. All through March and not a damn thing changed. It was never going to change. I read that snap she sent and she pretty much said "Sorry. take your time and heal I'll always be here as a friend. You're sweet I hope you find your soul mate" That shit hurt so bad. Like, how am I not even an option after those nights in my arms. I got pissed ranted off a bunch of shit but ended deleting it hours later because I was still hoping to go out sincerely, because I'd still have a chance that way. Still "What if" But then in then I started talking to my friend and I told him how in the message she stated that the sex was not displeasurable but her actions. I was like "Well she thought the sex was good at least" and I took it upon myself to ask, why not fuck around with her? She asked at one time. I thought that maybe it was my emotions blocking that path and so I sought out to ask her. If I couldn't have her emotionally I wanted her physically. So I added her on Instagram again and told her how the sex was? She said normal and that I had a good sized penis lmao

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It's been a while since I've been on here. Ever sine that one night that I previously talked about, I only seen her once more after, the following week. That was about 4-5 weeks ago. This quarantine has really stumped things for us physically. On two occasions I asked to see her, but she said after the quarantine. So here I am, almost at the end of next month and not much has changed. I say we got a bit closer. I waited for her first response but I never got it since April 1st, where she told me that she hasn't started her period. Since then, up till now all the conversation I got from her was her replying to my snap stories. So bout a week ago I decided to go down the friend route. (You got to be her best friend before anything, right?) I mean, I wanted to send memes, start conversations, but I felt that was too much. What's the point in constantly starting convos when she can't even tell my how I've been, right? I've honestly just been protecting my feelings. But back on Sunday, I broke and decided to snap her. I thought, "Fuck it" maybe she needs the attention, maybe she needs the constant chase and so I did. We talked that day and she ended up talking back. It was good, I even got two cute selfies from her and asked if she could send me some pics to save on snap, she did. Nothing extreme, just one pic she had on her snap weeks ago and another she took with her son, but it was special that she did. Then the next day she was active on the group chat and I decided to respond and made her laugh. That night, she added me on insta out of nowhere. Then the day after I responded to the GC and it was good. That night she wanted to call me. YES. She messaged me at night, like "Yo" and I did take a mile, cuz well I've been waiting for this. It felt good. She asked me what I was up to and I told her nothing, then nothing. I asked her about her and she said she wanted to call me but she was now tired. So I told her to wake up and I called her. She didn't answer and I left a funny voice mail. I told her and she said she'd listen to it. Then I sent her two pic snaps. One asking if she was asleep and the other GN. She opened them in the morning and never replied. That upset me. So I messaged her "Damn, nothing? lol" Gave it 40 minutes until my steem wore off and deleted it. She opened it an hour later to see an deleted chat. Still nothing from her. So that night I decided to clear the air and sent a meme to the GC. No hard feeling, it's all good. She reacted and then nothing. Yesterday, she sent a vid to the GC and I told her a story which made her laugh. Told me that when she came to my House I would have to make that for her. Felt good. Than all yesterday she randomly starting sending memes on Insta. I replied to one late last night and that was the last I heard from her. I need to focus on my self now, though. I'm still waiting for that first genuine sincere, flirty chat from her. When that happens, I'll go all out for sure. Till then I need focus.

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Things haven't been exactly in my favor with Josie recently. I had high hopes and expectation all week, only for them to come crashing down Saturday night. If I haven'y explained it, she pretty much said the first Friday was a mistake and she has no intentions on ever going forward. There was many variations to her intentions as her undying love for her shitty, scumbag ex seemed to be the root of it all as she also explained she couldn't move on from him and so she couldn't feel anything for anyone else. I was no exception. She bounced off theories with me like, "I don't want to get into something else and we just end up hurting eachother. I don't want to ever feel this way again so I just want to be single. I'm sorry, I'm still in love with my ex." Statements like that. She expressed last night that she wanted to be friends with benefits and nothing serious as she couldn't help but want to fuck around with me. Last night I drove to her house, expecting to get a load of emotions off my chest but we ended up having sex and venting our hearts towards each other. I left uncertain and gave her advice to leave her ex behind and move forward. Whether or not she took that, I can't say, but she snapped me in the morning telling me she was drunk and she was sorry and it'll never happen again. I replied and then haven't heard from her since. I feel this might be the actual end of us. There was a lot of holding and kissing last night but nothing that's going to warrant me her heart. I feel our time is finally passing and it's leaving me broken hearted. I still can't decide if it's truly her illogical emotions towards her ex or if I'm honestly not what she's looking for. I constantly battle between the two daily. There were some moments in our conversation that made me feel different, like when she expressed how she talks to a lot of men, but has never taken it this far. She says she's never expressed her self this openly about her struggles to anyone and that I hold an advantage. An advantage to what? I'm not sure. I'm at a crossroads. At one turn, I hold on, be everything she needs and the rest will fall into place in time. The other, I slowly cut ties with her in the following week and I'll move on peacefully; hoping to never have to deal with this sorrow again. On one foot, if I stay by her side, what happens when I find out I'm not her type? What then when in two months she finds a random guy at the bar and falls in love? Revealing that I was never meant for her and this was a complete waste of time and my heart will pay for it. But what if I stay by her long enough and it works? After months of talking and seeing eachother, she finally moves on and she's with me. What if? These are also things that I'm constantly thinking about and I'm not sure where to make the leap. My heart will either be crushed or finally answered. I'm very indecisive. All this hope really depends on her. I need to her from her as she also holds a key to our fate.

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I met a girl named Vivian on Tinder the other week. Just the other day I got her snap and we've kinda been talking back and fourth. Not a lot, but a ton of funny shit between the last 2 days. She's pretty and looks like she has her head on her shoulders and super fucking relatable. Looks like we have a ton in common and we're just starting off. Some times she does ignore me tho. She'll open my snaps and sometimes not reply, but I'm desperate. She was my rebound but to be honest she might offer a lot more than jozi. I'll probably get rejected again, but at this point in my pathetic life, I don't care anymore, its all I'm use to. I will admit that if nothing good happens with Vivi, than I will be out of luck and forced to think about that Friday for potentially the rest of my life. My odds of meeting someone is not very likely. I'm just desperate right now and I'm going to ask Vivi if she wants to hang out. I just want to feel like someone still wants me.

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I was planning all week to see jozi. Since Saturday. I made a lot of effort and just yesterday evening it was going perfect. She was replying to all my stories, sending selfies after I asked and I even made her laugh. Than it hit late 7 and I uploaded a sad looking selfie of me, hoping she'd get the hint. I feel like she did cuz after she say it, she asked to hang out. FINALY! Just us two. She asked to meet at a gas station and we were going to go to the park and have a blast, just us. Then she texted 20 minutes on my way saying just go to her house so we could go to her friends. I hated that because I knew she deflecting on wanting to hang out one on one, but I sucked it up and tho I was upset, I went along with it because what the fuck else could I do? We went to her friends and he was chill but I hated it. I got high and super drunk and by the time we had left I knew it was just a matter of time and there was another chance to see how she really felt. Unfortunately, when we got to her place, she showed no signs of interest and I asked her if we could kiss. She said "I thought we were going to be friends." Then I started confessing how I felt and what I thought about all this and by the time I was done with my monologue, I had thought she'd be stunned cuz she was dead silent and I figured she obviously must have been wanting and waiting for this. Turns out, she wasn't. Instead, she talked about her ex, her inability to move on and that she didn't see me like that at last friday was just something completely out of the ordinary but assured me it didn't mean anything. "It was just one night." She didn't care. All the tension and affection, surely it had to mean something, but alas, her words, it didn't. I'm heart broken. Yet again I sat there, spilling my heart out from what I thought was an act of fate, like we were meant for eachother, but only to be denied and rejected like garbage. It's always that. She mentioned somewhere in there that she couldn't explain why it happened but she tried. She said probably because she like my friend in middle school and I was almost like that? Like it was fucking weird and I didn't know how to make sense of it, but one thing for sure, she doesn't like me. Don't even know if I'd be an option in her mind if she was over her ex. Anyways, I fucked up, I'm heart broken and yet again, lonely. We were honestly perfect for eachother, but then again, it's obvious she didn't feel that way. She still wanted to be friends saying "Lets start over" or offering to take a break from eachother. I couldn't tell if she really likes me or feel incredibly bad as to why she still wanted to be friends. I guess I'm the only one who thought we'd be perfect. Bet she finds some tall good looking guy in the near future and "miraculously" gets over her ex in a day. Thats how it always goes. She really liked me shed be moving on right now, over him because her heart has finally found what shes missing. sadly its not me. never will

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Spoke with Josie today. I broke last night and messaged her, something I was adamant about doing. I wanted to see if she'd break before I did. I thought that by her messaging first, it would mean she's legit into me. I believe if you give a girl a couple days and if she messages you freely, it's a sure sign she's into you. However, last night I saw her SnapScore increasing and I broke. I wanted to know if she was awake and what was she up to so I sent her a short greeting. She responded in the morning, saying she goes to sleep early on the weekdays and when I do get her message, tell her what I was up to. So around 12PM I opened it and said I was at work. I asked her what she was up to and she said she was at work and that she'd bother me later, but also to have a good day. Then I told her the same and that was it. I went to the park, jogged and came back home and watch a movie. Half way through it she sent me "Hi" and I was blown away with some joy. She messaged me first! Than we spoke for a bit and she sent me pics of her in a onsie lol Then we made short conversation and she said she was also watching a movie. I called her a baby for being scared of horror movies, but she hasn't opened it. I'm trying to stay away from watching her snap score and looking at her stories. I'm also staying off of Facebook. All I do is start making insinuations and that's unhealthy, so I decided to only speak with her directly. My goal is to still make some money before Friday and take her out. I really want to do that because I want to further my impression on her. I want to see how we feel about eachother at the end of the night. I'm also wondering if I should tell her how I feel. I'm super conflicted with. On one hand, if I tell her than I can get it out the way and move forward or put it behind me. On the other hand, I want it to happen naturally so when she does admit it, it'll be real and she'll be ready. However, I'm scarred she'll reject me if I tell her and that could ruin our relationship thus far, but if I wait longer, she may very well find someone else in a month. Not by choice over me but by convenience, like a coworker she sees every day. The thing is, I have little room and impact in her life as we just met, but with out a doubt I feel we would be perfect for eachother. My problem is I may never get to show her as out current situation. So this is my dilemma. I need her to make more of an effort, but by doing so would ultimately mean I'm getting her attention as if we're dating. I'm not sure how she'd feel about that as I'm not convinced shes looking for a relationship. However, I feel the time we spent, say she is. I just don't know what to do. I feel like this opportunity may never come again in my life. I'm 29 and it this is the first time in all my 20's I have something I genuinely want. The first time my heart feels it's not settling. She's perfect and I want her so bad to feel the same.

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