cont. herself, what happened to her, what she’s reading, when I tried to share, she just nods and change the subject back to her, when she made that “skirt” comment, my self esteem went from 7 to a 0. thank you for taking the time to read and for the advice!
3/3
First off, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through that. You deserve to feel good about yourself and friends who support that all the way!
Forgive me if this is a sweeping judgment, but since I only have your short description of her to go off on—she sounds like a narcissist. I have been working directly with a textbook narcissist for over a year now and it’s been nightmare fuel to say the least, but I like to believe I’m maybe on the healing side of the equation now so perhaps the advice I can give is valid.
Step 1 is something you already achieved, as you’ve already sent me this: Recognize that it’s a HER problem, not a YOU problem, and never forget that. These people are so good at making you feel small (so they can feel big!) so you have to learn to devalue their opinions of you. You’re not the problem; their ego is.
Another thing you can do is seek mutual friends and compare notes on how she treats each of you. This is not for gossip’s sake; it helps to find people who are going through the same things as you, even only to confirm (or reject) your observations about her behavior. (Nothing in your description points to her being manipulative as well, but in my experience, narcissists can also be grade A gaslighters. You don’t realize you’re being manipulated and lied to until you talk to other people and find stories that don’t match.)
I guess the mature next step is really communication; you have to let her know she makes you feel this way and that you aren’t comfortable with it anymore. Even if that doesn’t work, at least you tried something to address the issue upfront. BUT (and this is also based on experience) it’s tricky confronting narcissists because accepting fault is never in their vocabulary. They will get defensive, combative, and oftentimes even petty. So be prepared for the conversation not to be pretty.
But honestly? Unless she is capable of changing, keeping distance is the only way. Obviously I don’t know how much you want to fight for your friendship, but the only thing that helped me deal with my narcissistic coworker was keeping all our interactions to a bare minimum. I only began to feel good when I did not have to talk to him at all. So then it was easier to remind myself he doesn’t have any power over my sense of self-worth.
Hope this helps. Hugs!
First off, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through that. You deserve to feel good about yourself and friends who support that all the way!
Forgive me if this is a sweeping judgment, but since I only have your short description of her to go off on—she sounds like a narcissist. I have been working directly with a textbook narcissist for over a year now and it’s been nightmare fuel to say the least, but I like to believe I’m maybe on the healing side of the equation now so perhaps the advice I can give is valid.
Step 1 is something you already achieved, as you’ve already sent me this: Recognize that it’s a HER problem, not a YOU problem, and never forget that. These people are so good at making you feel small (so they can feel big!) so you have to learn to devalue their opinions of you. You’re not the problem; their ego is.
Another thing you can do is seek mutual friends and compare notes on how she treats each of you. This is not for gossip’s sake; it helps to find people who are going through the same things as you, even only to confirm (or reject) your observations about her behavior. (Nothing in your description points to her being manipulative as well, but in my experience, narcissists can also be grade A gaslighters. You don’t realize you’re being manipulated and lied to until you talk to other people and find stories that don’t match.)
I guess the mature next step is really communication; you have to let her know she makes you feel this way and that you aren’t comfortable with it anymore. Even if that doesn’t work, at least you tried something to address the issue upfront. BUT (and this is also based on experience) it’s tricky confronting narcissists because accepting fault is never in their vocabulary. They will get defensive, combative, and oftentimes even petty. So be prepared for the conversation not to be pretty.
But honestly? Unless she is capable of changing, keeping distance is the only way. Obviously I don’t know how much you want to fight for your friendship, but the only thing that helped me deal with my narcissistic coworker was keeping all our interactions to a bare minimum. I only began to feel good when I did not have to talk to him at all. So then it was easier to remind myself he doesn’t have any power over my sense of self-worth.
Hope this helps. Hugs!