i'm confused.. maybe if you want you can explain the last one better for me..
I'm going to try...
takes someone else to make you open your eyes wider sometimes. makes you step back and see through eyes with clarity, reality, truths. not eyes filled with love, or hope or wishes.
eyes wide shut..thats how I've viewed you lately. didnt want to believe anything but what you said. its hard when you love someone else. harder when you see that love. when you see what you shouldn't. not by my hand. but someone who cares for you enough to show you truths. reality.
cant live like that. cant get caught up in something that will eventually hurt me again or break my heart, even though my heart is stronger, its still soft. I am.."soft enough to care, strong enough to handle it, but smart enough to walk away"
this is me being lucid
Lately I've been trying to find positives. I try and write down something that happened, hopefully positive, and learn from it. It's something the therapist said. She said even if you have the most horrible of days, try and find one positive thing from your day and write it down.
So..over the week-end, I had interaction with some older couples. well...like in their 30's. so not old..but you know..
and I was told some things about my personality. I never know if people say things just to say it to make someone feel better, or so you have a good time or spend more money..i mean, its hard to trust the intentions of strangers, but I took it to heart, and it made me feel good..positive. So..i wrote it down.
i was told i have a "home grown" quality to me. how i speak. that i was eloquent and had a natural ability to not only see things differently, but talk about them, with exuberance and expression. I must see things differently then other kids like me. (that's what I wrote down)
I was shy afterwards..because i don't like being singled out. This person said he's been around a lot of people my age and most of them were all the same. Especially the girls. All unoriginal. Line them up and we all look the same, talk the same, act the same. At some point, you need to find your difference. find that niche that's not like everyone else. he said a lot of things, but one thing specific i remembered was..not only don't act like all the rest of them..but don't react like them either. don't say things just bc you feel you have to have your voice heard. He brought up what i knew already. Silence. That's just as important, sometimes even more so.
He might have thought differently about me when I asked him I if I could write some stuff down, because he said, something like if what I say is important enough to you, you'll remember it without writing it down! but I laughed and said I had a bad memory.
so..the last thing I have written down is "The way you treat me is your path. The way I react is mine."
(I think when someone talks to lots of younger people, they get some kind of god-like complex, thinking we bow down to them and their words of wisdom as he doles out autocratic advice.)
What was so funny about all of the comments, was the guys wife said, "I bet you have great parents who raised you proper and you can thank them for how you turned out"...something like that..so funny. Makes me know that a person can definitely learn how to behave on their own. Nature vs. Nurture.
Okay, I'm done. I think that was a lot to write and probably too much for you to read. But it felt good. I haven't written like that in over a week I bet.
loved it baby 😘😘 i look forward to our future so much..
does it give you a sense of security? of knowledge of a future so you don't have to worry? That what you have wanted for so long will be there for you and things are planned out? It's a comfort Maybe an ease of less unknowns. I wonder how it will turn out. Like I describe? The last story? Of how we will be? Will it be that good all the time? Of how we will act? I know how I want you now..that way..so I can only picture me wanting you..constantly. First thing when you wake up..think of that....
i'm sorry i couldn't find time 😞
i'm in the shower now... finally starting my day 🙈 but have your story in my mind since you reminded me 😏💦
aw that's okay 💜 soon 💋
can I ask you if you liked the shower thing, from this week? See...I can picture that..easily. I will want to do that to you...a lot😘
i read everything but just don't know if you expect an answer all the time or if you just want me to read it.
whatever you want babe. I think we are both...vague....with some of our answers and maybe sometimes we need a reassurance of things
i answered the questions you gave me last night. are there any more you want me to respond to?
I read them. I only want you to ever answer what you want to, not what you feel you have to.
baby we're gonna spoil each other so much 🙈😍 i'm sorry for waking up so late but i'm still free 😏
I wish I had time. I do. But I don't now :(
not always, lately i've been putting you in front of everything just because i love you more and more each day..
..and I noticed. and its making me feel gooey melty love. love grows without boundaries, without limitations, except the ones we put on ourselves. guess you're still not up. I'll miss it
good, i'm glad you're better ((: i love frozen hot chocolate 😍 i get it at meadows all the time. how do you make it??
i'll look it up
but id make it for you all times when we're living together
aw ((: i love cocoa and especially before bed 😋😋 ugh now i really want some 🙈 you're silly and perfect.
cocoa is magic
butt too hot and only for dec-feb
but frozen hot chocolate is for all times
im gonna make a frozen chocolate cake drink maybe.
you make me feel better than sleepy medicine. im better now, cuz of you...
what does that mean ?
cocoa makes me sleepy. good sleepy. comfy blanket sleepy. so if I get some of cocoa you before bed, I sleepy better.
even if its just 1/2 a cup full. the other half was full of marshmallows .hahahaha
go sleepy and we'll talk tomorrow okay baby girl? i am free all day as of right now (:
baby please don't be depressed about not knowing my drawings. it would be impossible. even i have a hard time remembering exactly what i was thinking and what it is.
you are cocoa
are you awake enough? we can do it tomorrow if you want, that way we can really talk about it. and i want you to get your sleep. i just wanted to read everything you gave me and respond.
I am wide awake. I cant sleep when my brain wont shut off. its been a busy brain. but no, we can talk some other time. I just don't want to not know you .. how can I not know you :(((
do you want me to explain it all? baby you can't expect to know everything about my mind when it is on that.. it was going at 100mph and so many things just randomly popped in and out.
hey beth, i love you ;*
I've looked at it for so long. and I can't figure it out. and it makes me sad that I can't. I see one of those wagons at the fair that holds a kiddie ride. with a lot of wheels. actually, it almost reminds me of how fireworks would be set off. from a lot of different size pipes. and I don't know what that X is on top. I feel like I don't know your mind. I thought I would. I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel closer to you, not like i don't know your mind...
I want to look at more of them now. to see if I can figure it out, but i'll wait to see if I got any of this right.
thank you for the note. it was special and made me tear up.
and hey...I love you too
please never say sorry for taking my time or thank me for giving you time. beth, i love you. i want to talk to you. you don't make me do anything. remember when you said that to me when i said thank you for your time to you and how it made you feel?
you're right. i remember how it made me feel. see, you have to teach me sometimes too. school me.
i say those things because i feel guilty for taking you away from your real life, so you can "babysit" me, when I'm not strong. and it makes me feel badly.
i have to go now. i'm sorry. i'm really going to try later 💜💜 would that work or no?
i didn't expect to talk to you earlier, but am grateful you were there for me.
i had plans to go out but chose to stay in and fix my mind. i think i will pull out your first picture. i want to look at your mind. see it, see if i can interpret it. touch it.
no baby, you aren't like that. you're perfect. and if that's already happening where you don't need him. then let him go and be your own person. i mean i know you already are but move on to other things in your life. what did you say back to him?
I dont know what to do. he wants more of a commitment from me.
he wants to take me away again this weekend. I guess its time for me to make a serious decision about my life.
Im sorry I took so much of your time
if you dont hear from me...I guess it means I went.
if you do...then I didn't....
thank you for your time
i'm so sorry, i really wish i could talk longer, but i have to go soon ))))):
I took too much of your time anyway...