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elizabeth
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6/27

I woke up very early. Even though I promised myself I was not going to talk to you as much, I will always talk on here. It is an indirect line to you. Not knowing how often you come on is my buffer I guess. Because its hard to believe anyone who keeps saying they will do something and then they don't. and I keep saying I will pull back from you, not talk to you as much, but in the end, I still talk..(I just can't help it, I have to get thoughts out)

Yesterday. I might have figured something out. Not sure because it was about you, and even though I think I know you well, no one can crawl into someone elses head and know why they think certain things. But...I got something from you. Even when you said you don't write like I do and you don't know how to give me "you", you did yesterday. You shared something that you did, something that had a serious impact on you and it made you open up to me in a way that I hadn't seen in a very long time. And you know what...it was a lot. it was special..it was....satisfying. And maybe even satisfying enough that, for what I wanted to do..what I had hoped that picture would provoke out of you..in the end...I didn't feel the need to have to do that. I would have, absolutely, enjoyed feeling with you yesterday, but our conversation was enough.

And in that realization, I wondered if that is how you have felt with me..that when you started telling me that talking to me and having great conversations were enough, and we didn't always need to feel, or that our talks were actually more important than feeling. so...is that why?

is it because when I gave you pieces of me, or opened up a lot..it was more better than just some afternoon chat that made us feel in the end?

I'm wondering that, because I felt that. getting a piece of you, something that I can hold on to for the rest of my life, was more important. more special, than feeling.

just my morning thought.

I keep it to myself..on here :)

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good (:

but I'm going to let you go....if we ever get the chance to do that in the next few days, it will be when you seek me out. when you find the time.

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i'm here ๐Ÿ‘…

Even though I would have loved to have felt this afternoon, our talk was both more important and more needed...

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i still remember the photo of you.. the sexy one.. ๐Ÿ‘…๐Ÿ’ฆ

its wrong of me to do that ...but I couldn't resist the eating off of me talk we had, and saw that pic..saved it and wrote on it for you

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mmmm baby ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

sorry....choices baby....there is always a bathroom๐Ÿ˜

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that's not you is it ?? ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘…๐Ÿ‘…

hahaha..no..but close. I mean I'm that shaved and clean.. not that tan..but I'd say I'm pretty close to that...covered in honey๐Ÿ˜

too bad you're not free๐Ÿ˜›

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good, that's what i'm here for (.'

I'm going to send it now..

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Ernest Hemmingway

I've read one or two of his novels, but I am making him my summer obsession. I'll try to read his best work. What a life he had, was in 3 wars..as a solider then a correspondent. lived in Paris, travelled everywhere. But in the end, he killed himself. I want to crawl into his head and see what made him tick.. and..wow, he was good looking :)

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my newest obsession๐Ÿ“–

...

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." -Ernest Hemingway

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sorry... very tired... nigth smolo

oh..okay. i didn't know you were out all night..

thanks for putting up with me, didn't mean to chat for this long. i mean i love it, but i took too much of your time..

until next time

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haha no babe the party you were at last night ๐Ÿ™ˆ

oh..hahahaha...oops

um, yeah, you would not have been too happy..then it all kinda followed back to our place and i remember just wanting to be left alone..

i think im braver than i am, or at least come across that way, but sometimes i need someone to protect me. i don't think i could ever really get a guy off of me if i had to. i mean, i think back to how john was with me, in front of others and how invading he was of my space and how creepy he was..and i couldn't do anything about it. maybe i need pepper spray or something. is that illegal??

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you never hurt me baby. and i understand.. they will be in my head too. i'm right here ๐Ÿ’œ

your words..so comfy sometimes. so needed. so protecting and gentle and loving..it makes me melt. i just have all badness and blackness go away and only have peace in my heart. thank you

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no, everyone kinda dropped kyle. if i was at that party things would definitely have gotten out of hand.

what party? the party that made you drop kyle? i thought you were?

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unless i still feel that pain (which i don't) there's no need to be sorry. i'm sorry you have consequences. and you can always take all the time you need on anything.

if i hurt you again, tell me right away. i did it wrong with my journal. you're right, we need to tell each other right away when we are hurting. we cant fix anything if we don't know about it.

my consequences will stay inside me. i wont and cant tell anyone else how i feel about you. not yet. not until i know i can be with you..

i need you..now......

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haha no i probably wouldn't... so i'm taking advantage of it while i can (:

we can conserve water when we're together and shower quickly. i'll help you wash your body, not your hair, since i won't be able to reach it :)

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you told me last night... i think even before last night though. i'm going to answer the questions so you can see. i can delete them after if you want.

oh. okay. well. shes cool. but i don't tell her much about my life. i know she thinks im on my computer too much. she likes me and him, as a couple, and was very apologetic to me today about the guys with us last night. she said she told them to leave me alone, but i guess if you tell a guy that, then its like they do the opposite, just to prove what ass's they are...guys confuse me. (are you and your other guy friends okay, or did they decide to still hang out with kyle)

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i'm sure i was.. but i can't remember that far back really. i'm not playing games with you. i'm not going to stop loving you because of what you say to me. take all the time you need to embrace your new feelings.

im sorry if i ever gave you that kind of pain. i understand it now.

im not playing games with you either. its out there now. i feel it. i need to understand and accept it and deal with how it will have consequences with the rest of my life. i hope it is a comfort to you, the way your love is a constant comfort to me.

thank you for giving me the time to realize this.

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does meg know who i am?

???? how do you know my roommates name???

no..i mean..i don't think she should..what did i say last night??

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hahaha ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ

well if you had to pay a water bill, you might not take so many showers!

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i feel the pain too. thank you for not being upset or anything towards me but in fact being in love with me. i don't know where i would be without you.

have you been in this kind of pain before..i mean, before when you said you loved me and i didn't return it like i should have. was it that hurtful? i mean, i still wanted you in my life and loved you but not like you wanted. so, if i hurt you like that, im soo so sorry :(

i am not upset like i used to be during those long months of waiting for you. i hurt a lot then..(as you read all about in my journal) but i am wary and cautious that me saying these words to you will make you complacent and not need to love me then..but i don't know how it works..i don't play games. i don't want one person to be higher than the other, i just want it acknowledge how i feel and let it sink in..okay?

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i'm in the shower now... i'll be quick though. the long shower was this morning (:

ugh...you and these showers. try showering with someone else who does all the washing for you, you'll get out pretty darn quick!

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saying and feeling are 2 different things. i'm not in love with her.

yes, they can be two different feelings. but i never said it a lot to you. said it to anyone that much. because i would never say it without meaning it. it took a lot for me to even admit love. and until that day that i realized how i felt about you, felt about what you went through and still wanted to be with me, not to leave me completely, it made me see you differently, and appreciate you on a level that i never had. it was a feeling of no anger or bitterness. or hate. the feeling was of genuine happiness that i got to keep you in my life. and that made me understand what being in love is. (and yes, it is scary and hard for me to accept and i can say "crap" because it also means i realized it at the worst possible time.) but i realized it. and i want to accept it. even if it brings me more pain because i cannot be with the person that i not only love, but am in love with.

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not unless you want to..

I never do

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umm... no i don't think so ๐Ÿ™ˆ

oh..okay maybe just an argument about love..i can handle that.

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