Ask @jtraub:

they say there i sno time like the present. to prove them wrong please list all the times that were better than the present

VILLAIN
HELP I AM STUCK IN THE ELEVATER IN THE CHUCKF CHEESE RESTAURTANT ON N 22ND ST SW I DO NOT HAVE THE BREATHEABLE OXYGEN TO LAST ME THE NIGHT AND THEY CLOSETED THE CHEESE AND I DONT HAVE A WAY OUT PLEASE TELL THE POLICE THAT I WAS HERE FOR PURELY HUMANITARIAN REASONS AND I WAS NOT PREPARING AN "AGGRAVATED ASSAULT" DESPITE WHAT MY BICH LAWYER WIFE MIGHT WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I BOBBY TRAPPED THE STAIRWELL WITH PICTURE OF TRAUMANTIC EVENT OF YESTERYEAR "PIE EATING CONTEST" WHEREIN I CATCHED ALL THE POKEMOUN AND SAID NEXT I WILL EAT THE MOST GIANT HORSE AND DID NOT COME THROUGH ON MY PROMISES DUE TO DEVILS AND DEMONS THAT LEFT ME WITH ERSATZ MOBILE CELLULAR DEVICE THAT C

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SNAKE'S

someone's long lost evil twin
i took a nasty spill the other day, knocked unconscious from hitting my head on the pavement. i was out for a solid twenty minutes. i recently had my right knee replaced and i couldn't really control my balance. i am not fully recovered from this event. i'm told there was blood and brain and skull and skeletons everywhere but i don't mind it much at all anymore. i had my right knee replaced WITH DICKS ass well.
when i woke up three starbucks locations have opened up inside me and they refuse to serve me unless i put a shirt on. i put a shirt on and just stand at the front of the line not ordering anything for hours hours at a time and the people queue up outside the building so hard that it choked the building and now there's nothing left but me and my shirt and this pumpkin spice stain that will never come off.
and you know what, i'm THANKFUL. here are the things i'm thankful for:
1) i do not have pubic lice
2) THE DONALD
3) drinking out of garden hose is not illegal......yet
4) DOANLD "THE DONALD"
5) lists
6) THERE DONALD
7) dONALD MY DONALD
68) DONALD "PUBIC LICE "THE DONALD"" TRUMP
9) hell death skeleton from the nightmare in chains
10) "Chunk" from popular movie The Goonies "Dona'd" The goonies
11) Donald "The "The "The Donald" DOnald" Donald" Donald
12)Donald

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PAP of your favorite bookshelf?

Nobody in the world would know what a fucking PAP is, so I'm going to the dictionary:
Definition of pap
1 : a soft food for infants or invalids
sure thing, then. we'll be there some day. when all the bombs have been dropped and the crops won't grow and nobody answers when you text them and reality television is the only true reality and you'll feel naked when you aren't plugged in and nobody understands emoticons because nobody alive has seen a real human face before
the bookshelf where i keep my cyanide capsules will be my pap. it'd be vulgar to eat the cyanide capsules directly, you have to eat the main course before you're allowed dessert. we're not savages here.

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