As I try to figure out my genderfluidity, I find it increasingly hard to live with the dysphoria that comes when my mental and physical genders don't match up. Is this something you feel too? If so, how do you deal with it?

April 27, 2015

Dysphoria is scary. It plays into anxieties and insecurities and constantly makes me feel like I'm a liar in some way. My body does NOT fit my mental ideal - I'm very curvy.

I've started to accept myself a little more though, and love myself a little more - the idea that I can be called handsome (thank you twitter, you've helped so much with this) while still having E cups is very empowering to me. I still think I need to change my body in order to ease the dysphoria, but that will come with time. For right now, I deal by reinforcing the notion that bodies do not determine gender every chance I get.

Our bodies do not determine gender. We do. Looking and feeling a certain way is up to us, and that's a long and difficult journey for many of us, and while related, it's completely separate from what a lot of cis people see as gender.

It's tough to explain. The only way I deal with dysphoria is to accept that [social views of] gender is a construct and finding our place in said construct is something we have been trained to do. Those who find their place can often in turn offer support to those who are struggling. I'm getting there. I suspect I'll always be "getting there" - and that's ok.

THE REALITY:
When it's really bad I kiss a cutie if I can. If not I lie on the bathroom floor and stare at the ceiling a bunch.

Liked by: Cassandra Humenuk Hans Wuerflein Myriame Pilgrim

hey Felix, do you have any plans for a set of Cuties shirts where the fitted ones are black & the unisex ones are blue?

April 27, 2015

Hey! There are fitted ones in black and blue, and unisex ones in black and blue!

If a person prefers third person pronouns, is it appropriate to address them in the second person as y'all?

Nathan Black

February 11, 2015

I think y'all is so benign in all situations and I love it

Liked by: Cassandra Humenuk Hans Wuerflein

Are you doing well?

February 11, 2015

No, life is rapidly changing against my will at a time when I could have used stability, but that's just how it is. I'm dealing with more than most people can appreciate, but I've always dealt with really hard things alone, so I'm looking forward to May when I'm traveling on my own schedule by myself. I'll be okay eventually. Until then, focusing on work is the best way to deal.

Liked by: Nolan Sullivan

What is your current level of existential dread?

February 11, 2015

*starfishes on floor, staring at ceiling in silence*

You ever thought of doing a monthly podcast with some other industry folks, talking about what is going on in the industry that month?

February 11, 2015

Cuties Killing Video Games: the podcast

Liked by: Ross Williams Cassandra Humenuk Myriame Pilgrim Matthew Keable Hans Wuerflein

If you found a bunch of shrunk people in your chair, what would you do?

February 11, 2015

Wait, like, a bunch of tiny people? Do you mean a bunch of my friends shrunk and are now in my chair? because if so I immediately start looking for the magical creature that did it. If you're talking about suddenly a bunch of Borrowers being in my chair, I think I hold very very still and attempt to not frighten them, and also understand that it's better if we just...don't tell anyone this happened. I guess if they want to be friends we totally do that and they ride around with me when I travel and we are friends forever. FOREVER.

Liked by: Ross Williams

I want to get involved with game dev, but I can't code or do art well. I do have lots of media experience though (journalism degre, print, web & tv). I know you work with lots of indie devs, so I was wondering if you had any advice for how I could get involved in PR/marketing stuff for a small team.

Hans Wuerflein

February 11, 2015

This is gonna be a long one.

A good thing to remember is that there are lots of roles in development outside of coding and art - for example, designers are often neither of these things! Never feel like just because you don't code or draw professionally you can't be in games. You can. Just ONE of those other roles is PR. So! I'll touch on some of the major things I think about when I consider my PR jobs.

Media experience can be a big help in making the jump to PR and marketing, but keep in mind that a large portion of being good is having your finger on the pulse of the industry. Understanding how and when it's going to change is so so important in deciding who to approach - and when to approach them - about a project. Indie games don't have marketing budgets, so we gotta be flashy and appealing in small, unique ways. Good business sense is essential to understanding the way the industry is flowing - and without it, you can get stuck spending a bunch of precious money on stuff that won't benefit your project!

Getting to know lots of people is also crucial. The more stories, opinions, and viewpoints you hear, the more informed your decisions are. Listening to lots and lots of people is REALLY important. Hearing their success/failure stories is priceless. Think about context, and what made their situations unique, and apply those learnings when you find your own projects in similar (or opposite) contexts.

We're such a tiny industry, but we're growing every day. Teams often don't have really defined roles. PR and marketing might be my title on some teams, but more times than not I'm actually a combined PR/producer role, because in order to have good PR you need to have a very clear production timeline. Other times I take on more of a business role, trying to manage the budget while planning press pushes prior to launch.

There are so many things to take into account when you're making a game, and thusly so many job descriptions! PR is one of them, but it bleeds greatly into other roles. In my experience, the best way to get into games is to meet people you really get along with - people who complement your strengths and weaknesses - and then start making a thing. I'm incredibly lucky to live on the west coast of Canada, close to many conventions meaning I'm able to meet a tonne of people. I'm still working on an answer for "what if I live in a place that's really far away from conventions?" but I think there's room for it to get easier - online communities, accessibility of tools...we really need to work together as an industry to make sure people from everywhere have a chance to be heard and seen.

This got long, so I'll end it there for now. I really need to do some vlogs on this subject! Soon.

<3

Liked by: Rick H Myriame Pilgrim Hans Wuerflein

Hi! I was at PAX Prime and saw you at the Indie Megabooth, but it was my first con and I was starstruck and I just blurted out an awkward "hi, you're awesome, keep up the good work" out of nowhere. My sincerest apologies if I stepped out of line! I really admire all the work you do for indie devs.

February 11, 2015

Woah, sorry if I didn't respond properly - PAX Prime was such a weird and intense time for me and others. Thank you so much for the compliment - there are so many amazing people who work SO HARD for the indie scene, and I'm so honoured to be part of the community.

As for our encounter - totally not out of line <3 Come by next time you see me and say hi, introduce yourself, and we can chat! I know conventions can be totally overwhelming, but please know that I really would love to meet you. :)

Where did you get your hair dyed? It's pretty sweet

February 11, 2015

I did it at home myself :) It costs me 15$ for a full jar, which lasts me a loooong time. My hair really took to the dye for some reason, and so I do touch ups once every couple months at most. I have so little hair that a jar lasts me almost a year!

http://www.amazon.com/Jerome-Russell-Permanent-Turquoise-1440/dp/B0011V16IW

I bought and loved the cuties killing video games hoodie first campaign. Being grossly enamored with it I rationed it to heavy use on weekends only. My 16 year old twin little sisters loved it with no understanding of its creation. I got them each one for Christmas. They constantly wear them. Thnx!!

February 11, 2015

This brought a smile to my face. :) Thank YOU!

Liked by: Drew Mumma

Your beginner routine will depend on your goals: What's your fitness goals? It can be x lbs of body fat lost, getting stronger or faster in general or at specific tasks, building muscle etc.

January 20, 2015

Definitely "getting stronger" just hoping to be able to do more pushups, lift a little more weight, something very slow building because my joints can't do too much at a time! 30 min routine if possible!

are you into physical fitness at all? i'm a 6'1 220lb bodybuilder (woman!) and i find that there's pretty much zero women who like to lift up heavy shit and put it down

January 20, 2015

I actually used to train a lot, and then some auto immune stuff meant that in my early 20s my joints got all inflamed and my body went a little haywire. My sister and I are starting to get back into now though, since my body is doing better! But I'm starting small. Swimming and cardio and free weights at home. Do you recommend a beginner/intro routine??

Hi. Your hair is rad. What do you use to color it? I started with Punky Color and went to Special Effects; little pricier but worth it.

January 07, 2015

Hi you, your hair is ALSO awesome! I actually just switched from Manic Panic to Punky...and the punky colour has lasted SO LONG that I just...don't have a reason to switch again for a while. I last dyed my hair the day before Desert Bus which was November 13th...and it's still SUPER bright and beautiful!! I think my hair might just be mega dead and doesn't want to let go of the dye...hah. Does Special Effects have the right green/blue I wondeeerrr...I'll keep it in mind when I have to repurchase!

I used to get it professionally done, when it was long - I'd pay a LOT of money every month or two to get it dyed and cut and straightened. Now I use that money for other stuff like plane tickets to conventions and whatnot. ;)

Liked by: Не дурочка с не переулочка

age?

January 07, 2015

of empires

Liked by: Justin McDaniel Ross Williams Chris Phillips Не дурочка с не переулочка Gary H. Kramer Olav Midio Hans Wuerflein

hey! I met you at Fantastic Arcade once! You probably wouldn't remember me but I just wanted to let you know thanks for being super nice to me for the small amount of time we talked, I really needed it since it was my first event and I was so nervous around everyone! <3

January 07, 2015

No worries!!! Fantastic Arcade was such a cool awesome time, and was full of cool awesome people, including you! Hmm I'm trying to remember people I met for the first time (there were about fifty of them I think) ...I remember several strangers that I spent a very short time with: one meeting by the bar that involved a DS, one lovely individual that I got a wicked TETRAGEDDON sticker from that's currently on my laptop, and a few cuties wearing a cuties shirts, which was a TOTAL delight to see! Anyway, hope you come out to more stuff :D and glad you had a good time <3

Liked by: Не дурочка с не переулочка

Do you ever go through a level of anxiety or regret when cutting and/or coloring your hair? I cut my own hair and have had many a time when I straight up panicked about something I did.

Ricardo Gonzalez

January 06, 2015

I don't think I've ever had anxiety about cutting my hair, or regretted it! I use cutting my hair as a method of dealing with anxiety about other things! It is a fresh start, something to make me feel like I'm back in control of my life, that sort of thing.

I used to grow my hair out and only trim the very ends on full moons, but that was a different time of my life.

Liked by: Ricardo Gonzalez

Is it possible to just get into writing for video games?

Linzi

January 03, 2015

It is very possible to write your own video game if you have an idea! I encourage people to work on projects all the time. Working on your own games can also work into having a portfolio to present to a larger company if that is something that appeals to you.

Any creative career path can feel like a slow grind - finding a job in AAA media is tough. Which is why it's so so so important to, if you want to write for video games, write your ideas down all the time.

Your ideas are good ideas, WRITE THEM DOWN.

Liked by: Linzi

2014 was terrible in most ways, BUT, what was the best, most positive thing that happened to you last year?

Lisa Brown

January 03, 2015

Ugh. Last year had so many of the most wonderful moments paired with so many of the darkest times. I met so many incredible people, worked on so many cool projects...made real friends that I'll never forget, ever. But our family also experienced great loss, and hard times that we still haven't recovered from. And the last half of 2014 taught me more about myself than I was prepared to know.

I am a richer person for it though. January's Steam Dev Days started it all, really, because there I met some of the closest friends I have. March brought GDC, and with it an almost overwhelming sense of camaraderie, which bled into April's PAX East, onto June's E3 and July's EVO ....August's PAX Prime (and being reunited with my sister after 10 years!)...September's Fantastic Arcade...October was Indiecade and November had Wild Rumpus....and December's PSX ended it all with a trip to Vegas and drinks in the shape of ducks...

2014 is easy to remember as stressful, terrifying, depressing, and awful. In fact it's very difficult to remember all the good times. I think with time it might get easier, and the moments I've listed here will stand out as the memorable parts.

My sister coming to live with me after 10 years of being separated is something that neither of us has processed completely yet. I think ten years from now when someone asks me "what was 2014 like for you" ...it's gonna be that.

<3 <3 <3

Liked by: Lisa Brown

I'm not sure of another way to respond to your answer, so I'll do it here. Thanks for responding. Sorry if it came off as ignorant; I'm pretty inexperienced with the world of inclusiveness. I was just curious of your opinion since you probably deal with that shit often. You're awesome!

Josh Harris

January 03, 2015

That's cool!!! Glad to have answered it. And remember: you're already part of the "world of inclusiveness" so long as you're open to learning and changing habits that might be hurting people (even unintentionally!) - the ability to say "oh! I'm so sorry. I will remember that for next time" and then APPLY the knowledge to the best of your ability, whether it's concerning pronouns or gender or sexuality or race or ANYTHING ELSE...that's a big part of what makes this industry more and more inclusive.

It's a journey, but we need to WANT to be on it in order for it to mean something.

Of course, the moment we prioritize our need to be recognized as an "inclusive person" over actively diversifying, we set ourselves and our community back a notch. Or ten. I think I've mentioned it before, but the mantra of the ally/supportive friend is always "it's not about us" <3.

Liked by: Hans Wuerflein

In the comments of your GotY on GB, a few people asked about your use of "they" in place of a binary pronoun. The moderators chose to delete those posts. I get that they want to avoid unleashing the assholes, but do you think that's the best way to handle it when people are simply curious?

Josh Harris

December 31, 2014

There are many ways to look up all sorts of terminology online before posting a comment somewhere! And people started linking the wiki entry for the singular they in the comments as responses.

The climate right now is one of antagonism and inflammation. I'm not a moderator on GB so I can't comment on their policies but I can say that encouraging people to research on their own is important and crucial to diversifying this industry.

if you're curious about something just look it up before making what could be a passive aggressive or shitty comment on someone's blog! The fucking end.

Liked by: Josh Harris Hans Wuerflein

You've cleared up what "killing videogames" is (awesome), but how do you define a cutie? What if we're killing videogames but aren't cuties!?

Rudd Zwolinski

August 25, 2014

You are, without question, a total cutie. We all are. We are legion, we are cutie. We are cuties killing video games.

Liked by: Jess Bell rebound Ross Williams

Forgive my ignorance, but what exactly does "killing videogames" mean?

August 25, 2014

Dear fellow cutie,

There is a theory you might not be familiar with that has been circulating the gamer community for quite some time: that some people have the desire to KILL VIDEO GAMES. If you're unaware of how to determine who might be killing video games, I've started a list for you.

People Who Are Attempting to Kill Video Games, by Felix
-developers of games about "feelings"
-developers of "walking simulators"
-developers who support the developers making these types of games
-people who write about games
-people who like pixel art
-anyone in AAA who makes any change to any AAA FPS
-feminists
-"casuals"
-people working to make games more accessible to those with disabilities
-i'm not even kidding on that last one
-mobile game developers
-good writers
-minorities
-many, many more

Essentially, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that we are, as developers and friends of developers, constantly killing video games. And then it dawned on me:

I'm into it.

If I'm killing video games, I may as well own it, and look cute doing it. So we made a shirt - so that cuties everywhere can tell the world...

~~We are killing videogames~~

Hope this helps,

Maya Felix

Liked by: Cassandra Humenuk Jeffrey Jordan Nolan Sullivan David Barcomb jasmine spinach williams Jeff Logan Ricardo Gonzalez Nicole Bacon

Well, as long as saying that makes you feel good and safe. Though in my mind, that just sounds naughty. "How ya feeling? CAN I HAVE A HUG?" Maybe I'm just a pervert lol.

June 28, 2014

If it's said without expectation it can be totally okay. I have to know it's okay to say no, i'm not feelin so hot right now. Maybe wait to hear how I'm doing and gauge my reaction?

I mean, I'm a special case, in that I'm very comfortable giving hugs. This does NOT apply to everyone.

But now that you've said you're a pervert maybe I'm not so into it.

do you mind short guys?

June 27, 2014

Wait are you asking me if I date short men because I'm five foot two and everyone is tall to me

Liked by: Shawn A. Allen Jess Bell

Do you take hugs? Because I'd love to hug you. You're awesome :).

June 27, 2014

Of course! just make sure I'm good to hug with a quick "how are you feeling? can I get a hug?" and that'll make me feel safe and good because permission is awesome and then we can hug :)

Liked by: Nate Jess Bell

Even as a non-binary person, I often struggle to talk about gender without using stereotypes as definitions for points on the gender spectrum. Do you feel it's possible, and if so, how?

June 07, 2014

So.

Analogies and reference points are, for the most part, the easiest way to relate a concept or idea to someone, especially if they have never experienced it before.

Analogies and reference points are effective only if they exist within the experience of the person hearing them.

Analogies and reference points are, thusly, limited in that they are /by definition/ not the thing we are trying to explain, but rather a bridge built across a gap of experience and understanding. In this case, speaking of the gender spectrum, this usually means using gender stereotypes.

Here is where it gets tricky, and I'm going to stay abstract about this, because I want to apply this to almost anything:

It is possible, probably, to speak about gender without using stereotypes, but I'll be honest and say that I have no clue as to HOW it is possible. I think what's important is understanding that a stereotype as a definition is most toxic when it is dismissive of a broader, better definition - but least toxic when it can add to and support a broader, better definition.

I'll say that again:

Stereotypes are toxic when they are used to dismiss broader perspective.

That is to say - using the binary and the stereotypes within to bring the conversation to a place where it is no longer necessary to use those stereotypes is good. Sometimes we can employ current perspectives and generalizations to bridge that huge gap that is so very daunting when someone says "I don't understand" - and in this case, remember that learning anything comes from a place of reference. It's okay to want to relate a new concept to an old one.

I don't know if this makes sense and I do know that it's very difficult to NOT use stereotypes, but almost as difficult to USE stereotypes to lead to greater understanding of a complex subject. But I can't say how dear I hold it to my heart that we ~are~ talking about it, in any way at all.

I'm going to have to log this one away as a subject to approach in what I hope becomes a regular podcast on these sorts of things. Definitely could spend an hour on this one.

Liked by: Nate

Didn't you say on twitter that you're looking to have breast reduction surgery? Why would you do that when you already have an E cup?

May 27, 2014

Hi! Thanks for following my twitter.

I think you might be slightly confused as to how breasts work so I'm going to help you out.

Breast reduction surgery is the process of decreasing the size of the breast to achieve a desired look and feel, and to provide a healthy life for the breast owner.

"E cup" is terminology used to describe a bra size. The sizing is relative to a body's measurements, so it is not absolute, in that not all E cups are the same size as each other, but generally the further along the alphabet from A onwards, the larger the breasts tend to be.

This means that I have large breasts and I'm looking to reduce the size of my breasts. I am doing this for many reasons! Not only am I at high risk for breast cancer, but also I have never felt comfortable with my breasts. They are lovely and wonderful, but they are too big for my liking. We live in the future where it is totally possible to change that, so I'd love to! I'd love to make my huge breasts smaller.

Hope this answers your question!

Liked by: James McCallum

With your sexuality being as complicated as it is, do you ever see yourself getting married?

May 18, 2014

Hi!

A few things:

My sexuality is pretty simple! Queer sexuality can be many things, but rarely is it complicated. It just is, and that's good. Good and true and wonderful and natural.

Perhaps you are referring to the concept of me being poly - this is not strictly sexuality for me, nor is it particularly complicated. Or perhaps you are referring to my gender - which again, isn't complicated, and most definitely isn't my sexuality.

Nothing about our sexualities, genders, or relationship philosophies is "complicated" until someone else who doesn't understand declares it so, or requests detailed descriptions of how and why we feel the way we do. As soon as we try to put how we feel into words, as soon as we have to ~justify~ ourselves, things start to SEEM complicated. But that's the way with every feeling - if you were to try to describe hunger, or being homesick, and then *justify* why you feel that way, it would appear complicated to anyone who demanded an explanation. It's not complicated. It's very simple. I love, she loves, they love, we all love. We do it differently, and sometimes it hurts and other times it is the greatest feeling in the world. Perhaps when we say "complicated" we really mean that there are differences between my sexuality and yours, and those differences seem to sometimes be blatant, sometimes subtle, and we don't always quite understand them. That's okay.

Here's the thing: we don't have to understand in order to accept, love, and embrace. We can do that by simply loving people and knowing that they are happy exactly as they are. We don't have to understand a system to know it is lovely. We don't have to understand exactly how a sexuality works to know it is naturally wonderful.

So, having said that:

Marriage is not a conflict in my mind in context to my sexuality. I fully plan on getting married some day, it'll be a good excuse to throw a party, and then wear a ring that matches someone else that I love and know I'll love for a very, very long time. It will be nice! And mutually nurturing. And genuine in nature - honest and supportive and patient. It will be fast when it needs to be and slow when it must slow down. It will be a shared experience with each other. Marriage will be lovely I'm sure.

I'll make sure to throw twitter an invite, so you know when it happens.

Liked by: Ross Williams Jess Bell Nate Anthony Nunez Anna

You always mention you find mentioning your sexuality as stressful why?, as someone who identifies as bi, if forced to pick a box. I've never found the issue of discussing my identity stressful and I've always felt oddly outcast due to how most who are queer do find it stressful.

May 14, 2014

:) :) :) It's super awesome that you don't find it stressful!

I was never supported in my sexuality, and always told I was wrong, and that I needed to be cured. I was informed at an early age that it's a choice, and that I can choose to not live the lifestyle. I was put through therapy to be both straight and cisgendered female. This all in the context of me living in an abusive household, where the situation was less than loving for even best behaved child.

What I'm saying is that I had a really tough time coming out of the closet due to past treatment.

I'm not alone in this. I'm joined by so many others who were treated so cruelly just because we have feelings that other people fear for some unknown god damn reason.

It's super cool that you don't find it stressful! I hope you never encounter a scenario that does make you want to hide who you really are. And if you have, I have nothing but super mega respect for you for being confident and proud and stressless about it. I'm less stressed about it now, I mean in the sense that I don't really think anyone who meets me is worth knowing if they're going to hate me for it. Of course, I don't live in a place where queers are literally beaten until they die - this is a reality, one that you and I are lucky to not live in, I'd guess.

We all come from different backgrounds, and the sad truth is that some of us come from unsafe spaces where people close to us were abusive just because we were different.

If you feel outcast, just remember - sexuality is not about being in a club, especially when it comes to past abuse. You are the exception, in so many ways, and it's an incredible thing that you have! A confidence that a lot of queer people take their whole lives to achieve. And that is beautiful. Just remember that not everyone was able to have this, and so it ~is~ stressful for a lot of people to talk about anything to do with their sexuality without fearing discrimination or abuse.

The joy of not finding our identities stressful, as you and I now feel, is that we can help others by merely creating safe space - by showing that talking to us, at least, doesn't HAVE to be stressful, and having the patience and compassion to hold a hand or smile and nod as they take that crazy first step of being themselves in public, or saying it out loud, or just yelling it from the mountaintops. Whatever it is, we have the capacity as people who aren't stressed about our identities to help those who are. This isn't our responsibility, really, it's just sort of the cool thing we get to be. And we do it naturally. We are a safe space. A walking, living, breathing safe space.

I hope to be this. I don't know that I'm there yet, but I want to be a safe space for people to stress-free feel like they can be themselves around me. Even those ones who have been through so much just for being different. Especially those ones. <3

Liked by: Ross Williams Jess Bell Anna La Niña

I consider myself genderfluid, because I fell in love with its ambiguity the second I heard it, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to. There's nothing feminine about my appearance, I still use male pronouns, and it seems like I'm too outwardly cis-male to qualify, y'know? Thoughts/reassuranc?

May 14, 2014

Okay this is something I've struggled with a lot.

I'm curvy. I'm not just curvy, I'm a 34E cup, and that means that these breasts are HARD TO HIDE. I was born with naturally wide hips, and small shoulders, and a soft jawline. I am classically "female" according to the social standards by which most people in my circle live.

Needing to "deserve" to be who we are, at our core - the notion that we must EARN our identity that we know to be true - this doesn't resonate with me. At all. But it took me a long time to get here.

There is very little that is "manly" about my appearance. I have been told many times that I'm delightfully androgynous, but in the femme sort of way, in that I might pass as a pre-pubescent boy. That worked for a bunch of my life, but leading up to 30, it's worn on me. I am seen predominantly as presenting female, with breasts and lips and hips and a butt that fit into a tight dress in a pretty "killer" way. This is no insult, and yet I wonder...

Why do these physical attributes need to lend themselves to a specific gender on the binary?

If I were born with wide shoulders and a strong jawline perhaps I would have been "more expected" to want to use male pronouns, or be queer, eventually in my life. They "would have seen it coming, she was always so masculine..."

Why is that?

What is it that determines whether we are deserving of being ourselves?

We do.

I know it's hard for people to wrap their heads around, and most of the time that's because we were raised a certain way and old habits die hard. But for a moment, consider a world in which we aren't obsessed with the physical attributes of a person NECESSARILY determining their gender. A world in which your jawline or the size of your hands or heaven forbid ~the thing between your legs~ doesn't AUTOMATICALLY determine what you identify as. God, I think about this world every day.

It's often not the world we walk through - not many have the luxury of living this life, being fluid, having everyone around them just accept them for who they are. And that's why it's important for us to accept it, at the very least.

My point is

You are deserving of being who you know you are. Today. Now. And if that changes, you are deserving of that too.

This doesn't translate directly into interacting with others as a genderfluid or trans or androgynous person. Accepting ourselves and knowing that we don't have to adhere to everything we've been taught is only a first step, and I urge you to take it with me. Just because you are "outwardly cis-male" doesn't mean you cannot be exactly who you are. In fact, I have a secret

We are exactly who we are.

This isn't an answer to a problem, but I hope it is encouragement. What we were taught isn't always the way we have to see the world. You are deserving of being you.

I have more to say about this, and might soon.

For now, I leave you with my love.

Liked by: Ross Williams Maxx Nate A. Jess Bell Mickey P

Forgive my ignorance, but why do you call yourself queer? That's a word with many definitions, most of them not flattering. So why use it? Is it people trying to reclaim the word?

May 09, 2014

I identify with this word, and anyone attempting to use queer as an insult is probably a homophobe and would use "gay" or "lesbian" or "trans" or any other word that I attempt to call myself as an insult just as much as queer.

My point being that no matter what I call myself, if it means "not straight" I'm pretty aware that the word is being used as an insult somewhere in the world.

The more we expose ourselves to culture and ~diversity in culture~ the more we might learn, here. If we find ourselves or others using it as a word with "not flattering" definitions, we should think about where we are, who we are associating with, and what we think about that.

"Reclaiming" is an irritating notion, especially when I'm being asked in a context like this. "I hear this word used in one context so why would YOU use it when it makes you look bad?" Like I need to prove to a bunch of straight people that I'm gonna call myself a word because they try to use it against me. Like it's about them, yet again, it's about them. Even when I refer to myself, it seems to be about them.

No, it's not about them.

Anyone who thinks less of me or looks down on me because I use the word queer to describe myself isn't worth knowing.

Liked by: Anna Jess Bell

Tall sand castle towers or wide sand castle towns?

May 05, 2014

Castles in the Sky~~~~~

Liked by: Ross Williams Jess Bell

"Asking someone their sexuality is so so so irrelevant until we're sure it concerns us. And let me tell you, 99% of the time it just doesn't concern us at all." When it comes to friendships, networking, business, etc., I totally agree. As for relationships and dating though, isn't it different?

May 05, 2014

This makes my skin crawl. I'll explain why as best I can.

What I'm saying is that 99% of the time we aren't going to meet someone for the first time and find it appropriate to ask them their sexuality. And in addition, 99% of our interactions with another human being after that first meetings won't lead to us needing to know their sexuality. Or their gender. Or their life story.

What I'm saying is that relationships and dating ARE friendships and networking. What separates these things is a fine line of rapport and mutual comfort that organically evolves into a desired connection. Sometimes with feelings, sometimes with words, sometimes with lips, sometimes with sexy bits rubbing up against each other. None of this is assumed.

NONE OF THIS DESIRED CONNECTION SHOULD EVER BE ASSUMED UPON MEETING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

The advice that I was giving is simple: treat every meeting as a friendship, or networking. Why do we need to know? What is the REASON behind asking a question? And if the clear or first answer is "So I know if I can get x/y/z" then I have news: THIS IS AN AGENDA.

What I'm saying is, don't have an agenda.

We live in a world where sexuality often needs to be kept private due to horrific acts of discrimination and bigotry, so the question "what is your sexuality" can be stressful. I'm sure this makes sense. And it's not about whether WE, as the question posers, think WE'RE in a safe place, please, sorry, let me stress this visually,

==It's not about whether WE think WE'RE in a safe place==

It's about whether the person who has experienced PAIN for ~just being who they are~ thinks they're in a safe place. It's about them.

It's not about us.

So here's my point: too many people rush, they rush, they have to get to that place. They see someone who is attractive to them and they think "I'd like to fuck that person" and because for some reason we've trained ourselves that this perfectly ~natural~ thought is also an ~actionable~ thought, they rush to that place. They bring with them questions and agendas and the need to KNOW if it's a possibility. And all I'm saying is that it can be terrifying for the subjects of that rush. So don't rush. Just don't do it.

Obsessing over what genitalia someone else has, or what genitalia someone else finds attractive, is a weird way to spend my time when I could be building a genuine connection with that person over something that probably ~won't~ be causing either of us stress. That's all.

Liked by: Ross Williams

What is your ideal relationship set up as a poly-identified person? How many people and how integrated would they be with each other? A group of people all with each other? Or a number of separate one-on-one relationships, each with their own merits?

May 04, 2014

I know this doesn't answer the question, but

An ideal relationship set up is one in which individuals feel loved, confident and comfortable in their partnerships. Regardless of poly or mono status.

All relationships are works in progress. I'm open to lots of different types of relationships, but have no "ideal" - I am just looking for clear communication in my friendships and dealings, regardless of whether we're in love or having sex or just playing games on the couch.

I think, ideally, if I really need to go there, I just want to love and be loved. Every chance I get to do and get that, I cherish. Life is too short to worry about the logistics of the ideal.

Liked by: Jess Bell

I know you've been asked this before and I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but what is your sexual preference? Bi, straight, or gay? Or does it depend on the person?

May 04, 2014

Hi there! Considering how openly queer I am, I find it fascinating when (usually straight) people ask me this. Is it important to know the flavour of queer I am? I get the curiosity, though, so let's talk for a minute. I'm probably going to dismiss some binaries, so brace yourself. I'm going to be firm, and just remember that I love you.

"Does it depend on the person" is a strange question, and makes me sort of sigh heavily in response. Of *course* it depends on the person. Are you asking me if I'd date a really lovely cool person even if they didn't fit strictly into my current view of which set of body parts I'm attracted to? Are you wondering if I'd be flexible in my definition of my sexuality to accommodate a new experience?

I'm queer, and that means all sorts of things. Expressing my sexuality in terms of a label feels so wrong to me because it necessitates that I classify OTHER people's gender and identities and then declare them either attractive or not based on these classes. I make it a habit to NOT do this.

I'm gender fluid and don't identify as a woman on the binary. Does that mean that any straight man dating me isn't *allowed* to call himself straight? Do you see the conflict here in labelling anyone as strictly gay or bi or straight? I really see the potential harm in doing so. It's very limiting and odd to me.

I understand how important it is to be able to stand up for what you identify as - members of any minority absolutely need to be able to identify as a label and then stand up for themselves as that label - because without it we get called all sorts of things that are far less lovely than the labels we own and give ourselves ...in the face of discrimination there is a need for words to describe identities. It gives us power and the ability to stand for something.

Which is why the question is rude. Don't worry you haven't upset me, just understand that the question is rude.

I love people. I love meeting people. And sometimes that results in mutual attraction. I don't start thinking about body parts under clothing until it's my business to do so. And that moment is the exact moment that someone gives me explicit permission and requests that I take their clothes off. Until such time, it's all fun and friends and good times.

The less time we spend obsessing over someone's genitals or which genitals someone is attracted to, the more time we have to build a genuine connection with that person that isn't based on an agenda. (read: http://ask.fm/legobutts/answer/112272380599)

Asking someone their sexuality is so so so irrelevant until we're sure it concerns us. And let me tell you, 99% of the time it just doesn't concern us at all.

<3 <3 <3

Liked by: Nate Anna daphny drucilla delight david

If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

May 01, 2014

Stay connected to what causes you to care.

In work, in relationships, in life.

We can't all do what we love for a living, or live a stress-free life. Most of us have to endure a lot - a lot more than we would tell anyone about. But the way to do this is to

Connect to what causes you to care

When I stop caring I lose steam, all steam. I lose hope. I cannot always care, I cannot always change or make a difference. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed. But if I can, I stay connected to what causes me to feel again. What causes me to care.

Sometimes it's friends. Sometimes it's the cat. Sometimes it's one tweet. A lot of the time it's a game. But even when I can't find the emotion in me, even when it feels like it's not there, just connecting with what I know causes me to feel deeply is a step. And if you can keep that up, you'll find meaning in even the smallest things. The tiniest actions become so precious, profound, changing. If I could, that's how I would live my life every day. I'm not sure that anyone does, or can, but it's something I think about it in my darker moments. You know the ones.

Liked by: Jordan Reed Will Springer Jess Bell Anna

Grew up with 'traditional' values beat into me verbally & physically. Told flat out if I was gay I would be disowned. I wasn't but it's not really that simple. Wasn't what my father considered 'a man'. I have a wealth of stories to tell to help others but don't know the proper forum. Suggestions?

April 28, 2014

Start in the place where you are most comfortable.

We lived our lives outside of our own comfort zone - beaten into someone else's, constantly forced into a space that wasn't safe.

Find your safe space, you deserve it. Find it and speak in it, and invite people into it, and tell them that just because WE didn't have a safe space for most of our lives doesn't mean THEY can't have one. But in order to make that space and open it up to others, you'll need to find your comfort zone.

I'm not saying never leave the comfort zone - just start there. Speaking in it will amplify your voice, it'll give you legs to stand on - because people /will/ try to chop you down, so make sure you know where you stand. In your safe space.

You're glorious. Shine for you and you'll shine for others too.

Liked by: Nate

What game would you use to introduce people into gaming? I have a friend whose main experiences are GTA - San andreas and iphone games. Started them off with portal, telltales the walking dead and hotline miami. They've not got to playing them yet, but that's a scattershot list and i think i goofed.

April 28, 2014

Finding a way to introduce people to games is all about asking questions that lead you to understand their tastes better so as to guide them to something they'll love.

We know they like GTA and iphone games - those are totally different experiences on the surface, don't you think? So what do they love about each of those things that can be useful information about what sort of games they like? I'd probably find the similarities between those two for this friend - it'd tell me a lot.

There are fresh new delightfully creative games for almost every platform right now. Show them Ridiculous Fishing - maybe the Vlambeer name with stick if they like it, and it'll be a gateway into our world of indie! Or, you know, they'll hate it and you'll learn something new about what it is they like.

But yes, my point is that I take my time introducing people to new games. If they're a friend, I'll suggest lots of stuff according to what I know about them. If they're a stranger, I take my ~time~ and let them tell me about themselves. Then it's a discussion - if they like the sound of something I describe, I make a conversation out of it. Suggest, engage, discuss. Of course, your knowledge of games needs to be as wide as possible! SO:

Keep playing games - the more games you discover that you love, the more games you'll have in your hands to share. <3 <3 <3

Liked by: Will Springer

Do you feel like you were living aimlessly before you realised what sort of stuff you wanted to do? Because I've felt like that for four years, I have no idea what I want to do, and I feel more anxious about it whenever it crosses my mind.

April 23, 2014

I'm aimless.

I've learned in life that there are people with direction, who know it intrinsically - they grow up with a dream, they go to school for what they want, they graduate, they get that job, they have direction. They are happy or unhappy, which is unrelated to the previous statements. They have a path. They know their path.

I am aimless. I never spend longer than two years in any one city. I roam, I meet people, I settle in - I get restless, lose focus, pick up and - I roam, I meet people, I settle in.

I know I want to be making things. But I've known what I want to do four, five times in my adult life. I've lived a few lives, it feels like. Somewhere in me I just know that the childhood glee of changing what you wanted to be every second day when you grew up - astronaut today, journalist friday, veterinarian sunday - it just doesn't go away.

When I grow up I want to be creative, loving, surrounded by friends.

That's about as much as I know. And I know it's nerve-wracking for my family to watch me float when they had much more stable lives at a much earlier age. But their stability is my suffocation. My ability to move and freedom is something I hold very, very dear, after many, many years of not knowing what freedom feels like.

Anxiety about the future isn't gone. I feel it every day. I don't know what I'm doing, and I've been taught that not knowing leads to scary situations. But I'm doing exactly what makes me happy, and that's...honestly in my life, with what I've been through...

I'm here, and I'm so so proud of myself for that, and I encourage myself to move forward in exactly the way I want today, and tomorrow, and the next day, even if they're all different.

So that's that.

Liked by: Jess Bell Nate

Is your handle "legobutts" referring to the butts of lego people, butts made out of legos, or just because butts and lego are both cool?

April 23, 2014

yes

Liked by: professional righter Shawn A. Allen Nate

Assuming Gazorninplat was still in the air, would you say Gromlie would still be trufting the hedgelop or would we all be up to our eartips with the dancing blobs?

April 23, 2014

Liked by: Shawn A. Allen

What if you're the bad guy in FTL?

April 23, 2014

God.

Dammit.

GOD DAMMIT.

*deletes FTL off of ipad*

Liked by: Shawn A. Allen

what's the best way to build pillow forts?

April 22, 2014

with a lovely companion you can smooch in said fort after building it

( ˘ ³˘) (◡‿◡✿)

Liked by: Ross Williams Anna Nate

I love your hair SO MUCH, what's your process for dying/styling it?

April 22, 2014

I honestly bleach it professionally a lot, and then add whatever colour I want - from manic panic usually - and it works really well.

But I spend a lot of money bleaching it out - I had really really white hair and for my colouration that takes A LOT of careful professional attention. NO REGRETS!

I keep it healthy by washing it sparingly, using some leave in anti snap stuff - it's pretty dry due to all the bleaching.

It just sort of does its own thing and I don't argue with it ;)

Do you ever feel ostracised from forums? Not because they actively try to exclude you, but because you cannot bring yourself to interact with them? I find myself looking at forums I used to love, and see them filled with misogyny / racism, particularly an FFX-2 HD forum. I just think "fuck this"

April 22, 2014

Hmm. Safe space.

I think at a certain point in my life I realised how toxic a lot of the internet was, and knew I had to cut a lot of it out of my life. I've never encountered a popular forum that wasn't horrifically poisonous, but the smaller more intimate ones between friends have always been lovely. It's actually partially the reason I ended up on twitter - twitter was a way for a lot of people to post, but for me to filter which posts I actually get to see and who gets to see mine.

I think about it a lot though. Maybe it's something about being able to write a response not just behind a screen name but also a shielf of asynchronism - the really truly mean people come out because they've got two layers of protection from repercussion. Not only are people not going to know who they are, but the offending post can just sit there for as long as it doesn't get banned. Pretty intensely satisfying if that's what you're looking for. God, what a life, always taking the low hanging poisonous berry of "attention through cruelty."

It's too bad, but you're right - I don't do many forums anymore. Advice? If you're lucky enough to be able to, consciously surround yourself with what lifts you up, because there's already plenty of stuff we unintentionally stumble over that brings us down. If this forum is precious to you, decide if it's the forum or the people you DO love - and make your own, with them. A safe space.

We're all entitled to a safe space. Sometimes we have to create one, which is in itself symptomatic of a bigger problem - but until such time that all of humanity -gets it- you may have to create one yourself. <3 If there's anything I can do to help let me know!

Liked by: Nate

Are you aware of dodger, from the youtubes? Because I ship you two so hard (as best friends) She owns a king butt touches mug.

April 22, 2014

:) I know of dodger, absolutely, but we haven't had the chance to meet and chat in person. I hope to get to at upcoming events!

Let's talk pronouns. Everyone loves talking about pronouns. I've heard most people refer to you as her, but you identify as genderqueer. What do you prefer and how does that actually work in practice when meeting people or being introduced to people or other situations where the ideal rarely happens

April 22, 2014

I prefer "they" I think, and I say I think because I have myself figured out about as well as I have the meaning of life figured out, which is to say I'm working on it and will probably never get there.

I really like they. English is a weird language and it's an adjustment for a lot of people because of pluralization confusion, and none of my friends have had a serious problem so far. :) Just treat is as singular and plural. Just use it for both.

Maya and she are also part of who I am - I love my given names and I have respect for my "presenting" gender as something I'm tied to. When people use "she" for me it might feel out of place, but it never feels malicious. It is nothing compared to misgendering someone on purpose. That shit is unacceptable.

To be honest, people just ask me what I prefer - at conventions I try to wear a pin that says "they" so people know. Otherwise, most people just ask. And then they know! Yay! And knowledge is power. I think it's pretty neat that people feel comfortable asking me and I feel comfortable saying "they, please!"

I belong to a special community, though. I don't know what it's like in the outside world. I haven't gotten that far yet. It looks scary out there.

ᴹᵃʸᵇᵉ ᴵ'ᶫᶫ ʲᵘˢᵗ ˢᵗᵃʸ ʰᵉʳᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵖᶦᶫᶫᵒʷ ᶠᵒʳᵗ

Liked by: Will Springer

I need the name of that song. That song which you could hear a million times and still quiver at it like the first time.

April 21, 2014

http://pogomix.bandcamp.com/album/wonderland

But I mean, I've answered this countless times, forever, always

1) How come your hair is so perfectly rebellious, and 2) How should we go about stopping it when it inevitably goes rogue and attempts a hostile world takeover?

April 21, 2014

wait. my hair what? wait what are you talking about what hair I shaved my head years ago

1 How come your hair is so perfectly rebellious and 2 How should we go about

Liked by: Michael James Moore Nate

Felix Kramer

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