Respect. Take it from me, please.

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No matter how grand your gestures of love are, if you don't respect the person that you love; all of your efforts will be for naught. That was my biggest mistake through the past years with Alix. She was never someone who wanted expensive gifts or majestic dates. In fact, she was a very joyful woman who found happiness and comfort in the simplest of things; hand-written letters, bringing her home safely, kisses on the forehead, snuggles from her loving cat, affordably delicious meals, and mutual respect.

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I trust Alix with all my heart but my head was in a different space altogether. I kept shouting at her and I barely listened to her when the bad things were happening all at once. I hate myself for not being strong enough.

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I'm currently learning to respect myself because if I could be strong on my own, I think I'll genuinely be strong enough for Alix as well. God, I miss her so much.

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Respect your girlfriends. Love will come naturally when you do.

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Thanks for the question, anon.

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Dear, 2012 Rod

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1. The universe is and always will be just that. Everyone around you will be more successful, happier, better looking, richer, and funnier just because. The sooner you accept this fact, the quicker you’ll realize that life is about improving yourself, doing what you love, being with people you care for, and having a good time. Nothing else matters.

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2. Four years into the future, you will break and you will unknowingly become a bad person. You will grow extremely insecure because the horrible things that your loved ones say to you will compound and break your limit. Everything becomes worse. You will overdose in June 2015 as part of a suicide attempt. Demons will surface in your head the following year. A second attempt will happen in MOA on November 2019.

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No matter what happens, don’t be like the monsters who destroyed you. Don’t scream when you’re angry. Trust those who truly care for you. Don’t listen to the demons in your head.

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3. Just because you’re not a crazy good-looking guy doesn’t mean that you should stop caring about your health. In 2020 you will contract high blood pressure and osteoarthritis because of your shit eating habits. Take care of your health, please. I beg you.

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4. Never gamble. Never step foot into Solaire. Never accept your friends’ suggestion to celebrate your 21st birthday in Solaire. It will ruin your life. Your love for music will die because you will experience bliss, addiction, despair, and bankruptcy. You will be absolutely demotivated to make music because winning back the money is all you’ll be thinking about.

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5. Fuck Dota. Jesus hahahahaha. I have to say it I’m sorry. Your life will reach rock bottom in 2018 onwards when you suddenly decide to make a career out of Dota. It’s a pipe dream. The cancer and toxicity it will bring you is absolutely not worth the trouble to your mental health.

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6. Also fuck streetwear. The cringiest phase of your life thus far is trying to become a streetwear hypebeast like your rich younger brother and richer friends in 2019. It’s just.. why even. No one cares at the end of the day. Streetwear of today is manipulated by aftermarkets. Resellers dictate the value of hype shoes and clothing. Don’t fuss about it. Although, Supreme hoodies are still very nice. Try to get one or two in the future because you will sell your only white Supreme hoodie in 2015 after losing all your money in the casino lol.

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7. Alix is your soulmate. For the love of God, don’t scream at her. Treat her like the queen that she is and make sure to trust her with your life. She’s not like my exes believe me. If I were in your shoes right now, I’d already muster up the courage to date her. No fucking need to date any of my exes lmao not worth the pain and suffering it will bring to you.

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8. Be thankful. Please. Always be grateful for what you have. Be prepared. Be strong. Believe in yourself.

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Fuck no hahahaha. But I really find this platform to be very therapeutic. I get to say whatever I feel without bothering my closest friends and having to pay obscene fees to therapists.

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I'm not happy but let me tell you something. Losing everything suddenly made me want to live. I want to see the end of the tunnel. I want to succeed in my personal 5 Step Plan by next year. I want to prove everyone wrong. Who am I kidding, I want Alix back in my life. I want to leave home and I want to be with her in the future.

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I now know what's wrong about me. I exhibit the exact same traits that my own mother has. It all makes sense and I acknowledge the evil inside me. I watched the videos and I did the research. I want to change.

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I'm not happy with my life but I'm done being entitled. I'm tired of being insecure and blaming 'the universe'. I'm done with being unhealthy. I'm tired of overthinking. I regret screaming at Alix every single time. I'm deeply ashamed of growing up and not confronting all the emotional abuse I received from my parents and exes. I want to be a better person.

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tbh I still overthink. I don't think it's something that will go away in a month or two. but it does get better with each passing day. I realize now how much Alix loved me and how these voices in my head ruined everything. funny enough, I've been so hungry and physically tired lately (because of the diet) that I don't hear much from them. i still hear the usual "you're not worth it" and "kill yourself" lines but whatever hahaha. I hope they die soon.

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No I'm not happy with my life but I want to FUCKING EAT IPPUDO RAMEN AGAIN WHEN MY BLOOD SUGAR AND CHOLESTEROL LEVELS ARE IN CONTROL AGAIN. That's the actual fucking reason.

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Relations. Fuck money. Money ruined my life. Money is the driving ingredient of my gambling addiction which lasted for 5 years. Money caused me to be insecure of my brothers since I graduated. Money made me regress when I got scammed of my last 20,000 pesos. Money was the breaking point for the one person I love in this world. Money immediately put me in hot waters with my crush's mother. Money made me obsess over wanting all these stupid ass streetwear that have never improved my life whatsoever. Everyday I cringe whenever I remember all the times my wife and I had to drive all the way from QC to Makati or BGC just to enter raffles for shoe drops that didn't bear any fruit.

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I hate money but now I understand how important it is. When you live with nothing to lose, you start to see the bigger picture.

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