#antisocial

PL: Nie, szczerze mówiąc sama często zachowuję się inaczej w różnych grupach i chyba tylko przy Chłopaku czuję się w pełni taka, jaka chcę.
Być może jest to powiązane z ADHD, a być może z moim wychowaniem.
Mój Chłopak uświadomił mi niedawno, jak wiele zła wyniosłam z domu i jak wiele jest we mnie do naprawy.
Oczywiście nie mam na myśli tego, że zmusza mnie do tego, że Mu nie odpowiadam taka, jaka jestem, że jestem zła i niedobra, wręcz przeciwnie - widzę, że mnie kocha, że się stara, ale ja jestem bardzo aspołecznym introwertykiem, co wpływa na moje relacje z innymi, i to JA chcę się zmienić, otworzyć, zacząć rozmawiać z ludźmi.
Chociażby wczorajsze urodziny - w domu zawsze było "No, masz prezent urodzinowy, 100 zł, a teraz spie******" (nie dosłownie, ale na takiej zasadzie to wszystko było i na tym się opierało) - tutaj każdy chce ze mną świętować, rozmawiać, przebywać, poznać mnie, dowiedzieć się czegoś więcej o mnie, za to ja po prostu nie jestem przyzwyczajona i ciężko mi się przestawić.
Powoli robię małe kroczki, ale jeszcze długa droga przede mną.

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ENG: No, to be honest, I often behave differently in different groups and it's probably only with Boyfriend that I feel fully the way I want to be.
Perhaps it's related to ADHD, or perhaps it's related to my upbringing.
My Boyfriend recently made me realize how much bad things I brought with me from home and how much there is in me that needs to be fixed.
Of course, I don't mean that He forces me to change respond to Him as I am, that I am bad and evil, on the contrary - I see that He loves me, that He tries to comfort me, but I am a very antisocial introvert, which affects my relationships with others, and I (!) want to change, open up, start talking to people.
Just like yesterday's birthday - at home it was always "Well, you have a birthday present, 100 PLN, and now f*** off" (not literally, but that was the principle and it was all based on that) -

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I was a lonely child. Don’t get me wrong. I had people around me, But the harrowing thoughts in the back of my mind made me distant so I tried to change, tried to be softer, funnier, prettier. All of that to fit in, among the crowd that was not even mine. I tried to make a home with people but I failed and now years have passed and spent all of this time trying to be okay with the fact that humans fade in and out of each other’s lives. You can’t possibly make it sound romantic. I wake up every day, unable to keep connections with the people around me. One day I want to be close to my friends and laugh until I cry. And the next day can’t bear to be with them. They say I speak too little, but what’s the use of talking, When you already know they won’t feel how you do. I’m not antisocial. I fantasize the idea of not being what people expect me to be. I have stopped defending myself and others too. If I’m trying to be honest, detaching seems like the only way I can get through this lifetime I’m not empty I am filled with rage and love. What I will do with it I don’t know I’m going to spend one more hopeful night and fall asleep under the shadow of uncertainty.

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A minha característica é: não querer ser produto de pessoas e ambientes negativos.

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Existe um livro que eu recomendo, ele é denso, mais científico, se chama: o poder das conexões .

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Os ambientes e até às pessoas interferem no seu resultado.
Eles fizeram uma pesquisa e mapearam um raio de 8 quilômetros com uma pessoa depressiva nesse raio. As pessoas que estavam nesse raio de 8 quilômetros se sentiram mais triste por causa de uma pessoa depressiva naquele ambiente.
É ciência, não é achismo/eu acho, eu ouvi falar... É pesquisa!
Então imagina, você frequentando um lugar de escassez, de vitímismo, de baixa frequência... é impossível você evoluir, prosperar...
Por isso, eu sou a chata do ambiente, eu olho quem vai estar, o que vai estar tocando , qual o assunto, quem são as pessoas... Eu não vou, não entro, não piso nesses lugares.
É uma questão espiritual, se todas as pessoas conseguissem ver alguns ambientes, elas nunca mais pisariam lá. Mas, muitas pessoas tem dificuldade de entender o que não conseguem enxergar, gostam de tangibilidade.

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An antisocial introverted homebody. I just want to stay home with my dog! But if you’re in my inner circle and you need me, I’ll bend over backwards for you. If you work with me, you’ll never guess I’m an introvert. I’m non confrontational by default but my silence should never be mistaken for acceptance. I’m also a deeply empathetic realist.
I’m pretty damn anti-social, even when at simple places like a park with other strangers there. I’m really unapproachable but will be much nicer than I look to people I haven’t met yet. I’m kinda weak mentally and physically (unlike my mom and my sisters they’re fricking QUEENS). When somebody agitated me so much to the point I can’t take it anymore, I sometimes snap at them (which I wish I could stop), and I behave a little impulsively.
Mr Toad when it comes to my interests, whimsy and mania and all. Very curious and feeling, insecure with romance but very romantic. Told I look intimidating (tall, dark hair, pretty, etc) but I feel like a sweet baby bunny on the inside. I feel masculine but like to play with femininity and express both. I like to be around people and be alone, its all about balance. I have things about myself that I'm working on like shame and anxiety. I love emotional intimacy and stimulating conversations. Smart ass with dad energy and silly, very silly.
I’m extremely loyal to my loved ones. No-drama, just a shoulder to lean on and someone to depend on. Honestly, though, really damn stubborn. Also the kind of person who will never ask for help and prefers to work things out alone.
Chaotic (in a charming way), intellectual, playful,, open-minded, flexible, childlike, knowledgeable, verbose, analytical, disorganised…introverted energy, habits and preferences but , extroverted appearance of social skills (mostly when around introverts, the extroverts see through it quite quickly)…self-reflective, forgetful, self-deprecating, obsessive, hypochondriac, over-thinker, unfocused, impulsive, authentic, honest, book smart but I appear ditzy in social and practical situations. Always curious… always caffeinated…
I’m nice to everyone I meet but I live in Northern England so nice behaviour is seen as suspicious and disingenuous. It takes people a while to realise I’m just…. Nice.
Outgoing, approachable, empathetic, and outwardly-confident. Also I have a fucked up sense of humor most people like.

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