#hairstyle

PL: Są rzeczy, których tak po prostu nigdy się nie wybacza, nikomu, które powodują w Tobie taką traumę, że nawet po kilku latach możesz bać się pewnego typu facetów, bo to tego typu facet Cię skrzywdził.
Wiesz, jak to jest, niby wszystko jest super, pięknie, ładnie, idziesz sobie na spacer do pobliskiego sklepu i nagle widzisz kogoś, kto dosłownie wygląda podobnie, ma podobną fryzurę, podobny wzrost, nawet nie widzisz jego twarzy, bo stoi tyłem, a już dostajesz ataku paniki i płaczesz, włącza Ci się survival mode i biegniesz do kasy, byleby tylko jak najszybciej znaleźć się w bezpiecznym domu, i płaczesz.
Nie wybaczyłam i nigdy nie wybaczę.
Nigdy nie byłam rasistką, jednak jest pewna określona grupa chłopów, których nienawidzę i boję się z powodu mojej traumy.

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ENG: There are things that you just never forgive anyone, that traumatize you so much that even after a few years you may be afraid of a certain type of guys because that's the type of guy that hurt you.
You know how it is, everything seems to be great, beautiful, nice, you go for a walk to a nearby store and suddenly you see someone who literally looks similar, has a similar hairstyle, similar height, you can't even see his face because he's standing back, and you're already having a panic attack and crying, your brain turns on survival mode and you run to the cash register, just to get to the safety of your home as quickly as possible, and cry.
I have not forgiven and I will never forgive.
I have never been a racist, but there is a specific group of boys that I hate and fear because of my trauma.

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I love my teenage haircut, I still cut my hair this way) But before that, I went for a long time with two striсt french braids to my knees, which were braided so tightly every morning that the skin stretchеd and I'm generally surprised how after that I had at least some hair left. As you can guess, it didn't look good. Nothing like Ahsoka Tano (I wish), it looked more like a bald head with mouse tails, like a snoopdogg hairstyle. I destrоyed all the photos, there were only on the pass (I shаrpie'd this hоrrоr) and on the first version of the yearbook - however, then I ran to the photographer to replace it with a photo with hair down.

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Therefore, one day I learned to braid a looser braid myself, and once I cut bangs myself - I was almost kickеd out of the house, but It was the first day I was satisfiеd with my hair.

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Hi. I wanna share my story. Mahaba ito hehehe. My first ever relationship become so toxic. I can't enjoy hanging out with my friends because my ex would be mad. It's like I'm isolated from my support system. I cannot wear what I want because he will got mad and even my hairstyle he has the say. Kesyo, maikli buhok ko, kita yung leeg nang-aakit daw ako. Ultimo pag shorts sa beach, nagagalit. Naging bastos pananalita nya sakin, nawalan ng respeto to the point namumura nya ako kapag nagkakaroon kami ng argumento. But all those stuffs doesn't look red flags to me at that time. Kasi kahit sabihin mong toxic, connection pa rin yun, yung feeling na nasanay ka sa kanya saka sya kasi yung taong nasasabihan ko ng lahat and that was comforting for me; kaya kahit ganun yung sitwasyon, nagstay ako. Saka alam mo na kapag 1st time ang hirap talaga bumitaw kasi feeling mo yun yung best para sayo. Pero ang deal breaker talaga e.. yung nahuli kong may ka-FUBU sya. Nakita ko sa spam msgs nya. Diko matanggap yun.. Kasi sobrang nabetrayed ako dun, yung feeling na alam nya yung biggest tampo ko sa papa ko yung pangbabae nya tas ginawa nya sakin yun. I am really in deep pain at that time. Nakipagbreak ako. Sobrang nahirapan ako makamove on nun. Ayaw kong pumasok sa relasyon at kahit makipagdate nun. Nagfocus ako sa studies at career ko. Pero there's one guy wanted to court me.. he said he will wait for me.. At dahil may trust issues ako.. Di ako naniwala doon. But that guy is so persistent at sobra yung effort nya. It took 2 years for me to allow him na ligawan ako. Noong pinayagan ko syang ligawan ako.. he still so consistent with everything.. He is so gentle and warm. 11 months na nya akong nililigawan ngayon pero grabe pa din yung effort nya. Ready na akong sagutin sya. :)

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I have this thought before.. okay lang kahit walang partner atleast yung pain di pumapasok sakin yun nga lang yung love di din pumapasok. Pero deserve natin ng love, kaya magtiwala ulit tayo. Ngayon, I feel alive and happy again.

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So ayun, u can be vulnerable a bit at ur own pace. Being vulnerable means being loved also. :))

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»» ━━━━━ tokyo & vienna ║ chapter one ━━━━━ ««
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⠀⠀During her long and chaotic life, Silene Oliveira had made many mistakes, but definitely, having her precious daughter - Emaline - had been her greatest success. TOKYO AND VIENNA. Mother and daughter. Side by side. Together, even in their dangerous occupation, if that could even be considered such a thing. ━━ Before their next heist, Silene wanted to make sure her daughter had a fantastic night... after all, once the mission started everything would be equal to CHAOS.
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⠀ ❝Really? You already know the answer, my dear. I was born ready❞⠀ Tokyo quickly answered Vienna's first question, funny smile curving her lips as she laughed. Her eyes were yelling excitement. She just couldn't wait any single minute more. ━━ The older Oliveira turned around on her heels, showing better her outfit after hearing the other's compliment.⠀ ❝You like it, huh?❞⠀ this time, it was Tokyo the one using a teasing tone of voice.
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⠀⠀Her big deep eyes completely scanned her daughter, trying to help her with the hairstyle decision that she had to make.⠀ ❝you look great either way... but if I must choose, I say hair down❞⠀ a mischievous smirk crossed Tokyo's lips⠀ ❝that makes you look wilder and sexier❞⠀ emphasizing the last two words, the mother laughed loudly⠀

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I have dealt with this in the past. The reason you feel this way is because you have an erroneous belief that random strangers actually think about you. Ask yourself how much you think about any random person that you see. You may look at them, notice something about them, but then you go along with their day. Me personally, I hardly even give strangers any thought at all. They're just NPCs in my life. In general, everyone is in their own little bubble and their thought patterns orbit what is going on in their life, not on some stranger they've never met before. Nobody gives a shit about you. Really, they don't. You feel uncomfortable because you don't understand what negligible numbers of shits people give. My mom was similar in terms of always making me fear the unknown. It ended up paralyzing me in my youth and made me self conscious about the way I looked, the friends I had, the girls I was interested in, my goals & wants, nearly everything. It's easy to continue going down that path once you're on it and hard to change as it becomes more ingrained. That's why I believe CBT helped because it allowed me to change the way I was thinking which was ultimately leading to my insecurities/anxiety & depression. I don't know if it works for everyone but the key principle of changing the way you think is critical.
Kind of a longterm answer. I used to and still do worry about this sometimes, but I have found that working to become someone I would like to see if I saw myself walking down the street helps take my mind of off what people may or may not think negatively about me. For example, I would worry that I wasn't muscular enough, my clothes weren't fashionable enough, my hair was weird, etc. So, I went to the gym. I bought some nicer clothes. I switched up my hairstyle. Now, much less often do I find myself thinking "ah jeez that person probably thinks I look weird," and more often do I think "I think I look good, so who cares what other people think." I've been that way until 2 years ago or so. I was overweight so I was constantly freaking out being out in the public alone. I started working on myself longer than that, I went to events alone, even music festivals. I thought people would make fun of me, look at me with judgment, in the comfort or their camping chair with their friends but no, they pretty much thought I was a drug dealer because I lurk around alone like one.
I just remind myself thatch really don't care about other around me. Not that their life are worthless but I don't judge them, I don't even think of them, it's a waste of my time and energy so I can assume they feel the same about me. I am just a figurant in their lives.

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