#married

This:
“The reason I am still single, while my brother, 3 years younger to me, is married for 1 & half years now.
I don't want a trophy wife. I don't want no doctor wife. I don't want a heighted or some rich girl. I just wanna spend the rest of my life with someone
I want someone, with whom I can feel at peace, with whom I can be the real me - a damaged, traumatized, broken & peaceful man. With someone, who understands me without saying a word. With someone, with whom long walks every day can be different slice of life.
I dream of human, who doesn't expect me to call her or text her every hour. But when we meet, we forget about all the worries of this world. We bring out the innocent kids in each other. Someone, who wanna experience the real life, not this digital fantasized version of life.
Someone, who bring out the best in me, who is as vulnerable as me. Who is not afraid to express the deep down fears, truamas and dreams, but wanna grow and learn & wanna live the life to the fullest in the available limited resources without having resentments.”

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My most recent ex broke up with me at the beginning of quarantine. She kinda had a breakdown. I lost her the dog and her home that we lived in together that I had put countless hours of labor into redoing and updating it. It broke my heart. Crushed me. I had been looking for an engagement ring. Good news we hung out this past weekend. She told me how fucked up she was mentally at that time and she realizes now what we had and were building to. She wants to start hanging out again and work to try to bring our relationship back to even better then it was. Going to be a long process but I think I want to try. I've had some pretty shitty things said to me, but I think the most painful breakup was the guy who said nothing. I felt like I was the only one making any effort, and I felt very sad and neglected. I stopped making an effort to spend time with him and he didn't contact me for FIVE WEEKS, then he happened to run into me in town and asked, "So did we break up?" ANNDDD he already had a new girlfriend who was living with him because he decided to cheat on me since I 'wasn't paying attention to him'. This is after YEARS of doting over him, hoping that he would care about me back. I felt like a complete fool and like I had wasted years of the prime of my life. I guess when I decided to back off I had hoped he would reach out to me and make some romantic gesture to win me back, but instead he found an underage girl to do drugs with and stick his dick in. Joke's on me!
It was a wall of text he sent me while I was neck deep in exam stress. It was basically a huge rant about poor him for having to go back into the dating scene again. Nothing about his feelings for me, just how much it sucks for him not to be in a relationship. That really cemented the paranoia I had that he was just with me because he wanted to be in a relationship, not because he wanted to be with me.
Then when we broke up he said, “I’ve decided I like having a girlfriend, I just don’t like you.” Both those things have actually haunted me for years. I still don’t believe there is actually anything particularly attractive/special about me, I think the guys who have been with me just kind of wanted a warm body and I happened to be there at the time.
During our first split: “She was the only person I could see myself with, besides you.” (After I found a text message back before we were married...He was trying to get this girl to agree that they would both leave their respective fiancés. She told him it was weird and she was not leaving her fiancé. Apparently he contacted her with this idea unsolicited. He sent the note about a month before we were married. I found it about a year after we were married. )
During the grand finale about 2 years later: “you are so PATHETIC. You’ll find someone else, God! Just leave me alone!” ( after he told me he wanted a divorce and I asked him if he was really sure that this is what he wanted.

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For the first ten years of my relationship, marriage wasn't even an option for us so then we weren't allowed to want it. But building a life with someone means securing your future together, something you will understand once you build a life with someone too. There are 1,300 rights and privileges same-sex couples don't get when they're not allowed to marry. This includes giving your spouse health insurance, pension, inheritance, healthcare proxy, etc etc etc. Adult things I know, but it's foolish to think that marriage is about romance. You can have that without marriage. Marriage is primarily a contract. Not to tie someone to you, but to protect your relationship and the family you're building together legally. You can have a strong commitment without it of course, but in this world we decided to protect our relationship, assets, and each other with marriage. Here's to hoping you'll never have the complications in life that would require legal protections. Here's wishing you're also allowed all the rights and benefits straight people get automatically even if they've just met.

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