#talking

Being able to detach logic & my emotions. (Which is a huge problem these days because everyone is so focused on how they feel 😂)

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I am able to look at people as individuals without attaching my personal relationship or feelings to them. The amount of times in conversations I am the one that has to say, “of course it hurts. Of course it sucks. But we’re not talking about what it feels like. We are talking about from a realistic logical viewpoint of what’s actually going on despite how we feel/think/want. You can’t just protect yourself just because you don’t like the way something feels. You need to accept the reality of the situation.”

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I have notice that a lot people have this issue when they speak about their family, they can’t detach from the fact they are family. Always a sentence that ends up justifying whatever their families behavior is/are just because they can’t just look at them from an outside logical standpoint.

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At this point in my life, yes. I'm 28, and I've done my time with those kinds of people. I have a hard boundary with those who are emotionally immature/unavailable.

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With that being said, I *used* to be that person, so I hesitate to cast total blame. I was closed off to talking about my problems and feelings most of the time because I was a chronic people pleaser who grew up in a highly neglectful and dysfunctional family, so I thought pretending I didn't have them - or not making them someone else's problem - would make me better loved. I've since learnt it doesn't, and a love that depends on making myself small like that is not a love worth having. It's taken a long time to get to this point, however; lots of therapy and research and self-compassion.

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While I hope everyone arrives at that point in their journey, some people are just too walled off to access any of those things and would prefer to continue to live on autopilot for as long as they care to. It's up to you if you want to stick around for that or not. At the end of the day, you're not his mother, nor are you his therapist. If the only way you can move forward for your own sake is by leaving him, then leave.

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I don't need a potential partner because I already have the best so here's those things in relation to her. I love the way she laughs when l just make an absolute fool of myself, but then again that's the reason why I do it. I love the way she looks at our son like he's the most prized possession in her life. I love her smile, she smiles with both her mouth and her eyes and it's my favorite thing in the world. I love the way she looks away when you say she's beautiful, because while she isn't insecure about herself, hearing it just makes her feel all the more special. I love the way she's always doing something with her hands when you're talking to her because she can't sit still for more than a minute. I love that she gets so nervous around new people, but as soon as you start talking to her she will talk to you all day long. I love when she just starts singing out of nowhere or how she'll just sit at the piano at any time of the day and just start playing, whether that's super early in the day or at 3 am she'll literally play anytime of the day. I love the way that she holds her self and doesn't let much bother her. I love the way that even if she's having a bad day, she still makes everyone around her smile. I love the way she talks about things she's passionate about and the fire she brings out when talking about those things. I love the way she looks at life. I seriously could go on and on but she already knows that I'm obsessed with her ❤️

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Talking abt being single, i don't have any prob at all. But why eh orang sekeliling yang macam terlampau kisah siap tanya "ko ni yaya tak teringin ke nak kahwin? kawan sebaya ko semua dah ada anak", betul ke taknak semua tu bla bla pastu cakap aku sendu dengan stan kpop semua and i was like im okay with my life. im happy with it. Lakk ko pulak nak kesah dah kenapa! hahahah.

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Jujur lah not gonna waste my time over that. I live happily with my friends all this time and i don't even need a bf to hype me or make me happy. Awal awal semua bahagia itu la ini la and then for sure you will face a phase macam salah faham ke ape ke and then tiba nak sedih fikir benda tu stress. Takoserr la den.. srsly not me lah kalau camtu. For now i choose to enjoy my life with everything that I love and free to do whatever I want 😙

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Thank you guys….

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I really appreciate your attention and love….

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and thanks to those who ask me every day how i feel ….

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I don’t even know what to answer…
the first of August…. was the year…. how my beautiful beloved mom left me…..

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The day before i collected baskets of goodies … and distributed them to people who knew and loved my mom …. in that day I took a sedative…oh…

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how strange was wake but everyone had joy ….
I felt bad , but didn’t show it to anyone…. I tried to hide this pain ….
my mom always…. always…. brought
only happiness and joy …. she was so white so so beautiful… I even tried to laugh…. the priest accidentally…. hit the door and it definitely was looked funny ….
( a completely unfamiliar laugh escaped from my chest as if wasn’t me…. was short -circuiting….)

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the next day …. , on the anniversary day…. i didn’t want to see anyone….

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I spent the whole day at the cemetery…. I know that my beautiful mom is not there ….
( it is very difficult for me to type these lines …. right now….)

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but i feel that the cemetery has value for her….

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no, it’s not her home right now…. but it’s an important place for her….

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it was a hot first day of August….
was really +37-38 °
sometimes more ….

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but was so peaceful there …. as if there was no heat…. a light breeze was blowing…. butterflies were flying….

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they say butterflies in the cemetery are new souls…. In the first days ( last year)
a beautiful white butterfly met me there every day ….

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i was sitting and talking with my beautiful mom….😣

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the next day i went there too….

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stayed until lunch….
arrived and again…. unwillingness to see anyone….
and i went to a small museum….

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and there were no people….i was walking alone among the exhibits

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you know anonymous…. people are saved by people….i feel bad but

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i was amused by the cloakroom attendant….
she said that the bag should be left …and she would personally guard my bag….

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but i was amused by the fact …. that they thought that i foreigner…. who didn’t understand the language
and they have already spoken on their own nativity language….

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how is she going to there with such big bag… and it was so fun….

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no i
didn’t not tell them that i understood everything….

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oh …

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Yeeeaaaah... 😞
Saturday morning (and Friday night) I spend in job (night shift), and one of the managers, D., which was with me, told me "Fu..in lay down next to that fridge!" and "You're doing it to annoy me!".
Because of depression episode I can't do anything fast, I have problems with getting up from my bed, that's a miracle that I went to work alive, I was crying that night a lot because of my own thoughts, and after everything she told me to "f..kin lay down next to that fridge" and that "I do it to annoy her"...
After work, when I had to scan my badge and go home, I had tears in my eyes.
Another two menagers saw it and asked what happened, but I couldn't tell because of my messed up mind, I just couldn't tell about what I felt, that was just pure sadness and feeling so down that I couldn't even say a word...
The only thing I told was "Nothing".
Miss R. told Miss A. "It's probably because of what I told you" and she went off of the office.
I sat on chair in office and started to cry, that was hysterics, I couldn't even take a breath, I was just crying so much and couldn't calm myself down.
Miss A. was trying to do that, she told me to breath and after some time I was able to get out of office.
I went to the outdoors, sat on the ground and cry, hysterics again.
Miss A. told me to calm down and stop crying again, she was talking with me and it was the first time when she was so nice to me and cared about me.
Then she went on the shop hall and D. came to me, she asked "How is it - you did three palletes with dairy on the night shift with I., but you couldn't do one on the night shift with me?! You have more respect to I. than you have to me?".
I silently told her to leave me alone while still crying, but she didn't listen to me and continue to talk.
When she saw that I won't respond to her a word, she told" Ah, so we don't talk, you're making yourself a victim again, like always!" and she left.
Again, miss A. came to me to calm me down. (word limit xD)

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