Ask @vipertongue:

Menemukan akunmu 3 years ago is one of the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so galau, broken, berdosa, jenuh dengan segala ceramah yg ngga nolong sama sekali. Beda sama semua omonganmu yg real, masuk akal, practical. Terima kasih, Adrian.

*Sorry ya, jawabnya pakai bahasa inggris*
People always question why I even bother with ask.fm.
Too old for it, lah.. cemen, lah... for scoring women, lah.. "nulis tuh utk Magdalene Rappler Medium kek" lah..
The way I see it, I simply have something to say. I think I have a few perspectives and viewpoints that I rarely -if ever- represented by anyone else. And like most people who write, it's just something I want *out there*.
And what's the point of writing for people who already agree or aware with your viewpoints already? That's just plain masturbatory, and it's nothing but preaching to your own choir.
Sure, writing in ask.fm ain't exactly like doing the editorial page of The Economist, but I'd like to think that I contribute something tangible. If anything, just so people can see different ways of viewing life issues. And as cemen as they may be, I had to tackle them at one point in my life. And if someone gave me better tools at the time, I'd be grateful for it.
So yeah, thank you.. to know I'm of use; to know that I've made you see things differently, makes it worth it.

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Hi Vipey... i just recently found your ask.fm account and i am very much helped by your answers. I am going thru depression and your answers from 2 years ago really is helping me to go thru this tough time. I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts but yr right. Stay for my parents.

Get medical help. There is no shame in it. Back in my days, clinical depression wasn't as.. uh.. hip as it is these days. It was confusing, disorienting, and yes.. I felt hopeless and alone at the time. These days there is much more awareness, and to some extent, an acceptance.
Clinical depression is an ailment that requires medical treatment. As in, if you had a chronic sore throat you wouldn't think twice about seeing a doctor for a prescription of antibiotics. We may romanticize it and use it to feed our Tumblr page and tweets and poetry and curhat to selebtwats who merasa they are qualified to offer bijak-membumi "advice"... but no, it's simply an ailment that requires medical attention.
If I had chronic sore throat for months and had some awareness on the issue, I wouldn't sit around and berkubang menggelora in it. Unfortunately -unlike a sore throat- it took me years to recognize the symptoms and address the chemical imbalance within me.
As netizens just looove to use the "ya kan ngga semua orang privileged kayak elo" excuse, well then make it a priority. As we do for any medical condition. Skip that music festival for once, brew your own coffee, don't buy that Lang Leav hardcover, and use the money for medication instead.
I'm not talking to you specifically, mind you. Don't take it personally. I hope you get professional help and pull through. In the meantime... get 8 hours of quality sleep a night, get out in the sun, run or ride a bike (ever seen a person ride a bike miserably?), and drink 2 liters of water a day. That's the least you can do to alleviate the symptoms.
Good luck. :)

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Dri, boleh tau knp your brother memilih menjadi muslim? What it's like to the rest of the family?

Well, I can't speak for him. But the way I see it.. you know how every family has that one person who "mencari diri" atau "butuh pegangan" atau "arahan"? In my family, he's that person. Some people find purpose and jatidiri from within, some people need it.. well, handed down to them by people long dead.
What's it like for the rest of the family? Perfectly fine. Whatever makes you happy or gives you pegangan, man. My parents believed that we should choose whatever gives us peace of mind. It's our own lives to live, after all. Do I personally understand how some people find comfort in this regional/cultural myth over that regional/cultural myth? Nope. But hey.. why should anyone justify what makes them happy?
I'm sure the majority of you probably uttered some grateful phrase in arabic upon my brother choosing (not "born into", not "converted", but "chose") Islam. But if he was located in Bangladesh at the time, he could have easily chosen Hindu. And hey, we'd be fine with that too. One man's deity is another man's four-armed talking elephant.
Let me give you a bit of context. My parents where born in in the 1930s. That would make them *grandparents* for most of you. Yet, they were open minded enough to raise us without any cultural brainwashing, and let us choose to how to live our own lives.
It's easy to berkubang menggelora in our diversity and self-congratulate our liberal socmed personas for befriending those of different beliefs. Fine. But just keep that in mind fifteen years from now; when your own children prefer to subscribe to the "kasih" or "mindfulness" of some other belief system. A belief system that was not inherited and chosen by the parents, and grandparents before them. Or when your son or daughter wishes to marry someone of a different ethnicity and religion. Or perhaps of the same gender. When that day comes, remember how proud you were of posting pics of your friends of different faiths.
I mean, it's not like you were born in the 1930s, after all.

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i wish i'd get married someday, because the idea of having no one to turn to at the end of the day scares me, and I dont think its a wrong reason. but as I get older, I realize it's hard to find such a partner. Do you happen to know anyone that actually have a happy marriage? thanks

Man, you wouldn't believe how many questions I get about this. And I hope this is the last time I ever reply to one.
Why did I reply to the last one? Because she's 38 years old.
I think all you twenty-somethings go through that phase of "untuk apa nikah? ngapain nikah? liat aja tuh pada ngga bahagia! i'm too cool for nikah!" and in the end... nikah anyways. Mau bilang takut ini itu kek, cowok selingkuh melulu kek, peduli amat kata sanak saudara kek... all of you *will* go down that path. Sorry, that's just how it is.
I've said it before and I've said it again: you're more mainstream than you think. Just because your parents fought, or baru patah hati, or haven't found the right one, doesn't make you an outlier.
So yeah, unless you're over 35 and single, let's not pull #sikap about marriage.

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I'm 38 and I still don't want kids and a marriage. Do you think something is wrong with me? And how can I explain myself to people that am actually very content?

M Jeanne
Do I think there is anything wrong with you? Nope. Marriage and kids isn't an obligation or an achievement, it is simply a choice. Nothing more, nothing less.
And how do you explain yourself? Well, you don't. Easier said than done, of course. And you're a woman, so it's a totally different ball game from being a man in the same position. But you're getting to the age where people will stop asking, mind you.. so tough it out.
From my experience, nothing good comes from explaining. And even worse if you are defensive about it, because then people will assume you're spinning #nasib into #sikap. So the best way to handle it is to be happy with your life. Because if you're miserable.. well, people will always think "makanyaaaa... menikah dan punya anak!"
Why? Because their scope of thinking is actually that small.

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hi there can i get your pov? do you believe that all men cheat? is it true that ALL men have that nature? i kinda scare of marriage, if i found a man who's secretly into open relationship and turns out couldn't be faithful to me.

I'm going to skip your questions, as I can't presume to know what most men are like. Besides, I'd still like to live a few more years, thank you very much.
So instead, I'll go direct to your statement "i kinda scare of marriage." Well, put it this way.. right now, at this moment, you think that a husband cheating is an Extinction Level Event. But my guess is, once you're married, you'll consider it just one of the "costs of doing business."
Does it suck? Sure. But think of the alternatives of NOT getting married: dying alone, diomongin keluarga, dianggap ngga laku, tidak ada yg support, tidak punya anak, ngga ada yang beliin handbag, and the soul-crushing loneliness.
So yes, it's simply the cost of doing business... and not the Extinction Level Event you perceive it to be now.
So you learn to live with it, and you learn to accept it. And hey, you may do it yourself on the side. Nothing makes you morally superior to him. A Facebook flirt here, a Tinder match there... I can go on.
Now regarding "if i found a man who's secretly into open relationship", I have a few things to say:
Why is it that those men who CLAIM to be in a so-called "open relationship" must always be CAUGHT first, before making the revelation? If a person is truly in a mutual and consensual open-relationship, he would be honest about it from the very beginning. To ALL parties involved.
Short of that, I consider the guy just another lesser man; a douchebag making excuses.

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I really like your answer about cari pekerjaan/karyawan. Boleh tau ngga, how do you feel ketika karyawan terbaik resign? And what is it like ketika harus memutuskan hubungan kerja?

Pada saat karyawan tersebut resign, ya tentu rasanya berat. Tapi secara long term, biasanya tidak jadi masalah karena selalu digantikan orang baru yang either just as good, or much better than that person.
Memutuskan hubungan kerja is one of the hardest things to do. Why? Because, if anything, the fault is mine for hiring that person.
Karena itu, saya selalu introspeksi. Did I hire the right person? Did the person fit what I need, and fit the culture? Did I create an environment that was right for me AND the employee? And I learn from it, and try to apply it to my next hire.
Maybe there are better opportunities that I simply couldn't provide. So of course I wish the person well, and be thankful for the services provided.
Not much different from relationships in general, eh. :)

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tidak pernah ada pressure dri keluarga utk menikah? im now 21, but this marriage thingy somehow haunts me really bad cos I also don't want to marry anyone. my family is quite harsh tho, I just cant think clearly

"Pressure" sih ngga; maybe just a friendly suggestion every now and then. But then again, I've reached that age where people have simply given up asking. Hey, fine by me... I'm starting to run out of witty replies to give them. :)
"I also don't want to marry anyone." Man, I'd be a rich man if I got a penny for every time I get this statement on ask.fm. You just don't want to marry anyone YET. Trust me, that is a road you will go down, and you will end up EXACTLY like everyone else.
And guess what.. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or uncool or unhip about falling in love, getting married, and sharing your life with someone.
Trust me, you're just as mainstream as everyone else.
You just don't know it yet.

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Hi dri, what makes you keep up with the trends on social media? Saya pribadi sebetulnya malas. tapi tetap ngikutin supaya bisa memahami anak-anak. Do you ever feel the same way? F-37

"tapi tetap ngikutin supaya bisa memahami anak-anak."
My question is: why should you?
I'm on social media because I enjoy it, and I *DO* have things to say and get off my chest. Not because it makes me money, or I need to show off things, or to meet women. Is it exasperating at times? Yes of course.. there are many things I don't understand about millenials that make me head-desk. Do I try to understand them? Not really. I do try to empathize with them, look back when I was in my 20's and put myself in their shoes.
But that's about it.
If it makes me "malas", then I simply don't read anything and just.. post. Life is really too short to make an effort to understand, when it doesn't affect you otherwise. Don't you agree? :)

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Vipey, kayanya pernah cerita suka sling bag timbuk2. How about backpack? Ada merk favorite gak?

Personally, I think no man over the age of 24 should ever use a backpack as his daily carry. But hey, that's just me. :)
The sling bags I carry are mainly messenger bags, like the ones used in the movie Premium Rush. My favorite brands are www.timbuk2.com and www.chromeindustries.com. And if could afford it, I'd definitely get a www.tumi.com and www.victorinox.com for daily business use.
I own one special-use backpack; a www.deuter.com with hydration bladder that is designed specifically for mountain-biking. But if I ever had to use a backpack, I'd go for www.goruck.com, www.maxpedition.com, and www.arcteryx. All are designed to be practically bomb-proof, with clever technical details.

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"If a tune goes around in your head and you cannot get rid of it, finish singing the song in its entirety. In the end, like everything else in life, all we want is closure." and yet you said, "Closure is overrated".

Wishing for a form of closure is understandable.
My issue is with those who feel ENTITLED to closure, and frickin' demand it.
And y'know what's messed up about it? Those who feel entitled, are often the ones who are least deserving.
So I stand by what I say.

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Dri, inginnya abu mu nanti disimpan atau ditabur di mana, Dri? Why?

Saya tidak ingin abu saya disimpan. Why? Because I wouldn't want my grand children (if I ever have any) to be in the awkward position of having to hold on to the ashes of someone they barely knew. If they will ever know me at all.
Ideally speaking, I would like my ashes spread in Grand Canyon, Arizona.. because I remember how breathtaking it was. Short of that, I'd like my ashes to be spread in the same waters I spread my sister's ashes in 2010.. off the coast of Pandawa beach, the south tip of Bali.

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vipey, im quite interested in the bike to work/school movement, my uni has promoted some campaign to start using bikes, do you have any advice/link/articles that explains how to choose the right bike?(since idk a thing abt bikes & afraid of being ripped of by bikeshops), ur help will be appreciated.

Rafael Martinez
If you plan to just ride to work or school in the city (and not offroad), then I recommend getting a roadbike. Yes, most people would just go out and buy a mountainbike, but that is simply because they don't know any better. I'm sure 90% of the mountainbikes you see on the road have never even touched a real dirt trail.
Roadbikes are fast, light, and designed to be used on asphalt. A mountainbike is significantly heavier; as it has bigger tires, a stronger frame, and suspension.... which serve no purpose on the road.
If you find the dropbar handlebars of roadbikes (that curled Lance Armstrong handlebar) to be difficult to use, then get a roadbike with a more familiar flatbar handlebar. Which, as the name suggests, is flat.
As you are a beginner, I suggest buying a fullbike (sepeda jadi) from either Rodalink (Polygon brand) or from Build A Bike (United brand). Both are locally-made frames, but the quality is on par with international brands. The prices are listed, so you won't get ripped off.
Here's a few I can recommend:
http://www.polygonbikes.com/id/bikes/description/2015-helios-f1-new
http://www.polygonbikes.com/id/bikes/description/2015-strattos-s2
http://www.unitedbike.com/id/index.php?cmd=productdetail&idx=000262&addsort=0&sorttype=asc&category=4
http://www.unitedbike.com/id/index.php?cmd=productdetail&idx=000219&addsort=0&sorttype=asc&category=4
Make sure you get the right size bike, according to your height. Here is a size calculator: https://www.ebicycles.com/bicycle-tools/frame-sizer/road-bike , and don't let the salesperson talk you into buying a bike that is not your size.
Look to spend around 4 to 6 million for a good first bike. "Kan ada sepeda 2 jutaan.." True, but then you'll be upgrading components within a year anyways. And cheap bikes (or components) have no resale value. If you spend 5 million on a bike, you can always sell it if you ever bored of it. Bikes go all the way up to 150 million, easy.. so yeah, don't get talked into that either. You're biking to work, not the Tour d' France. Don't forget to budget for a helmet, bike lock, lights (front and back), gloves, bike multitool, pump, and rain jacket. I suggest www.bukalapak.com for accessories.
Riding to work is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I don't have to allocate 2.5 hours of time, just to run 1 hour in the gym like a hamster in a wheel, twice a week. I don't have to spend money on gym fees. I don't spend time frustrated and brain dead sitting in the car, while I could be doing something invigorating for the body and soul, and yes.. very very fun. Every morning, at least 300 kilometers a month.
Good luck, and keep me updated how it goes. :)

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Hi Vipey, putri remajamu mulai main sosmed belum? Gimana pandangannya mengenai aktivitas virtualmu? Thank you.

Sudah. Kalau ngga salah sih dia sudah ada Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, dan Ask.FM. Sekarang sudah cukup umur untuk Facebook, tapi konon dia belum bikin karena.. she considers it too mainstream. :)
Do I follow her? No. I think she should have her privacy. Her mom and I occasionally skim through her social media, but we don't check it everyday. I don't think she follows me either, but her friends often Like or RT my ask.fm and Twitter, so of course she knows what I post here and there.
Is that an issue for me? Not at all. I personally consider my thoughts and views just as valid for my own daughter, as they are for anyone else.

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