Hayley Morgan

Ask @writeonmorgan

Are most people thick?

No, I don't think so. I think people are weak and naive and easily-led, but not "thick". There are all kinds of different intelligences; a lot of academics and intellectuals seem to lack common sense and/or emotional intelligence, for example.

How often do you use your brains?

Constantly, in the biological sense, though I have but one brain. Metaphorically, not nearly as much as I should.

Do you like your name?

I wish my surname was my first name. I wish I had a cool name like Veronica or Agnes or Violet or Calliope. But I could never think of a pseudonym that felt like home.

Related users

With which clone character in Orphan Black do you most identify, if any? Who is the hottest? And why (for both)?

I am half scrappyclone Sarah, because I rock the boots and hot pants combo, and half dreadclone Cosima, because she's unashamedly nerdy, smokes at her computer a lot and isn't opposed to getting a little les-bi-friendly. Cosima is the one I'd have a crush on, but Sarah would probably be better in bed.

Imagine a tom kitten in a glass bottle. Don't worry, he's perfectly happy curled up in there, daydreaming of offal while the sun warms his scrofulous pelt. But the neck of the bottle is too small to allow him through. How do you rescue him from the bottle without damaging either?

Tricky. If he's perfectly happy there I'm tempted to feed him through a little straw or a rubber teat. But he'll want to get out and stretch his little kitty legs at some point, so I'd use a tiny hot-saw to cut out the bottle's circular bottom while he slept, slide him out, plop him on a cushion and give him some strokes.

How would you survive a zombie outbreak?

The true answer is probably 'I wouldn't.' But I have some strategies. I could pretend to be a zombie and go along with all the brain-eating, hoping no one would notice; or, maybe I could offer myself sexually to some big strapping men with guns. Let's call that Plan B. Plan C is to play dead, because people just don't do it enough.

I am a fish. I am a fish. I am a fish. I am a fish. I am a fish.

A fish on the internet? Well done buddy, you got it all figured out.

Are you a human?

Today, I am. Other days, maybe I'm some kind of hybrid. Or a cryptid. Not sure. I'm still kind of figuring it all out. What are you?

What questions do you usually ask when you want to get acquainted with someone?

Are you a human? Do you like cats? Do you have a dark, terrible secret? Why is your face like that? What are you thinking about? What about now? Tell me your dreams. Do you love me?

What is your most played song?

Of all time: "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush. Because I'm just that cool. Lately, I've been playing "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke a lot.
I was born by the river / in a little tent (I wasn't).

What would you give me for my birthday if you came to my party?

It depends who you are. If I knew you very well, I would write you something, or make you something - something personal, unique. If I didn't know you well, I might just rock up with a bottle of champagne I stole from my parents' liquor cabinet. But I'd be a very polite guest and I promise that I wouldn't trash your house.

Have you read any philosophy books?

Yes. I read Sophie's World when I was younger, which first got me into it. Later, I looked after the Philosophy section in a bookshop and started dipping into the big names, to familiarise myself. Most memorable: Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Republic, Communist Manifesto, Meditations, Fear and Trembling, Being and Nothingness, The Outsider... Usual stuff, I suppose.

Anna Karenina would be perfect if not for that vacuous opening sentence.

It belongs in a different novel, probably. It's certainly not true.

Where do you stand politically?

I could probably give a better answer on a specific issue, but 'very liberal'.

You "appreciate" him even though you think he's "a bit dry and pretentious"?

I appreciate his artistry. He's a fantastic writer. I appreciate Russian literature as being culturally and artistically significant. But for my own reading tastes, yes, bit dry.

No Tolstoy?

I appreciate Anna Karenina. I appreciate his art. But Tolstoy is the shield of wannabe intellectuals. Hide behind Tolstoy and no one will question your taste. Personally, I find it a bit dry and pretentious, slightly overrated. Other writers, other books, other styles inspired me more. But what do I know? I'm a philistine ;)

How are you so cool?

I'm really not very cool at all, but I'm cool with not being cool, which makes me cool :D

What are your favourite books?

Here's 10 of them: The Secret History, Lolita, The Bell Jar, Wuthering Heights, Catcher in the Rye, Orlando, Alice in Wonderland, Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies, Harry Potter.

How many books do you read each year on average?

As a child I got through a book every couple of days. My desire was insatiable. But it's been gradually declining ever since - something I hope to rectify this summer.

What's a warning sign that you're in the presence of bad company?

You can hear police sirens and barking dogs.


Language: English