What is your first name?
Bertha. Did they not teach you to read back in your shithole of a town. Perhaps the teachers were too busy touching you to do otherwise.
Ask @MrsFurst
Think my housemate wants to bang me... WHAT DO I DO!!!!
Assess their qualities. Do they have their own teeth? Have they ever contracted an STD? Do they possess working organs? If the answers to this are the following: YES, NO, YES. Then bang away. Although, the first question can certainly go either way. Maybe even the third too. Come to think of it, the second isn't particularly important. Man up, make your own mind up what to do. I don't even know who you are you cretin.
If you could have a porno based on your life, what would be the title?
It just so happens that I once starred in a porno. It was 1977 and a certain Jeff Stelling was my current meat stick. You wouldn't think it watching him on Sky Sports, all fake tan and dyed hair as he is now, but he was a right dirty git. I believe we filmed one night of bucking and named it "Where should I hang my Monkey?".
Related users
Why are you wearing lense-less glasses?
I'm a hipster Granny. With ironically no hip. Worry about your own appearance you strange twat.
How the hell do you even manage to use this ask.fm malarkey you old bat! Don't you use a typewriter or papyrus or something?
Old bat! I'll smack you round the head if you ever call me that again you cheeky bastard. I once killed a fella for pushing in front of me in LIDL so count yourself lucky this is anonymous.
My friends have all started calling me gay when I'm not, how can I stop this?
The only gay to have ever lived in Hartlepool was Wayne Sleep, and even he wasn't born there so I'm afraid I'm no expert on this matter. Former Furness legend "Gay Mark" would have been the man to ask. Unfortunately, "Gay Mark" has left us (but not in spirit) so the next best man would be his apprentice "Gay Dan" of Pool and Football. He would be happy to answer any of your questions regarding this problem.
I'm thinking of going on holiday, but can't decide between Hartlepool, Sunderland or Poland...where would you suggest Mrs.Furst?
I would suggest Hell. If your budget is that low that your only choices are Hartlepool, Sunderland or Poland then you may as well buy a giant spade instead and dig to the earth's core. I promise you it would be more pleasant, and it would be a damn site warmer! You'd probably have better company down there too. Stalin, Jimmy Saville and even Jade Goody would be a hell (pun) of a lot friendlier than the local scum in your other options. You could just go to Spain instead mind. It only costs half a bag of Walkers and a packet of Wrigley's to get there these days.
So what do you make of the Fresher Rep and his Fresher getting down and funky in the TV room?
He's a dirty bastard no doubt about it. Perhaps he did it in front of so many people in order to prove his masculinity, and “LAD” status. Or maybe he just fancied a romp in the TV room. Back in Hartlepool public fornication is rife, with the local pond life always banging in public spaces. I can't even get to my local offie for some Lambrini without having to beat apart gorilla looking females mating with the skinheads. It's hard to tell who is who sometimes.
Why are Cartmel our rivals? Lonnie are the biggest douche bags on campus!
Of course Lonsdale are "douche bags" as you phrased it, although you are a bit of a dick for using such a stupid term. But no one rivals Cartmel when it comes to being daft bints. Just wait for Patriots this year and you will realise just how much you want to smack every Cartmel student competing. I also encourage this.
How do you know for sure if you've had an orgasm because I'm not sure whether i have?
First of all look in the mirror, are you as ugly as I imagine you are? If so then probably not. If you’re not too bad however then maybe you have. We have a saying in Hartlepool which will perfectly describe an orgasm and help you understand whether you have experienced one. It goes like this “Don’t feed your monkey tuna, it’ll end in tears”, glad to be of help.
Dear Mrs Furst, recently I've found myself attracted to girls of the, shall we say, antique variety. Without beating about the bush (wey), would you be interested in coming out with me sometime? I promise our date will be half-arsed romantic, very cheap and if you're lucky very seedy.
I appreciate the offer but I imagine that you’re a tad inexperienced and a bit too much of a twat for my liking. Next time send in an actual problem you rarf.
Hello Mrs. Furst, how do you blow job?
“If it’s hairy then get it hung” is a very popular Hartlepool saying, this seems relevant to this question. Being a classy north eastern girl I’ve never had to degrade myself with giving a blow job. So my answer to this question is stop working street corners and gather some class about yourself you silly bint. You don’t have to be that girl.
I have a spot on my penis... should i pop it?
Now this is a real problem that I can help with. Hartlepool is the STI capital of the world and every child is born with a mild form of syphilis which is treated with a single intramuscular injection of penicillin. So I find myself with a wealth of knowledge when it comes to problems like this. Trace back your steps to when it first appeared. Have you had sex with any recent UCUM land mammals? This will not help with your problem except remind yourself that you’re a disgusting individual. My advice is pop it.
I'm really tired all the time even though I get loads of sleep and it's making me really mumbley and all my thoughts are really jumbley.. what should I do??!?!?!?!?!?
Essentially man the hell up and get on with it. This is the very definition of a first world problem that I have very little time for. There are people out there who have no food, shelter or Frosty Jacks and you’re complaining about being tired? As they say in Hartlepool “If you ever get scared of something, get out of town you’re not welcome here”. Basically all I’m saying is if you ever write in to me again with pissy bitch problems like this, I will find you and pin your eyes open with rusty screws.
Why are the taps boiling and freezing :(
They’re not you idiot. If they were freezing the water wouldn’t come out and if they were boiling the tap would explode. Don’t be a nonce with your questions next time.
Do you think that Earth is getting hotter because we are getting closer to the sun, eventually bringing us out of the "perfect range" for life, so what humanity will do is jump to mars until that's too close to the sun, then jump to the next one. What if we started on Mercury? Your thoughts please.
Have you been outside lately? Is it shite getting warmer. There are rabid polar bears outside my window as I type right now. Don't believe everything you read. Even if this were true it wouldn't it happen in our lifetime in which case why worry. Live for today. Litter, spray deodorant liberally and drive a Hummer everywhere you can. The grandkids can sort it out after. YOLO.
I have a super-irritating housemate- help! How do I deal with this brute??
Thank you for being so vague I like it when people are infuriatingly vague it makes my day. Have you ever considered that your idiocy might be why he's "super-irritating"? Because honestly I dislike you already with this question. If however they are as bad as you say and it's not you that is problem (I'll give you the benefit of the doubt) then I can only suggest messing with they're head. Hide their things, be really loud at night, ask stupid questions to them (like this one) and generally just be a dick. Two wrongs make a right.
If Batman got bitten by a genetically engineered super-spider, would he then be called Spiderbatman or Batspiderman?
I think if Batman had got bitten by a genetically engineered super-spider the least of our worries would be his name. Imagine a huge Bat with 8 legs, 8 eyes and an insatiable hunger that could spin webs and sense everything around it. That's what we are talking about right now. Get your priorities straight and worry about the right things. He would be called Spatman though.
Where d'ya get those pearls? ;)
From a place you couldn't afford you nosey bastard.
What year did Top of the Pops first air?
Probably about the same time your Dad first entered your Mam.
in relation to the best start of the day... what is the best cereal to milk ratio?
Best cereal to milk ratio is almost certainly 2:1 in favour of cereal. May I also suggest a light sprinkle of coal dust on top. It's a northern delicacy and I put my young looks and long life entirely down to it. If only the mines were still open those were the days.
How long can a duck-billed platypus hold it's breath?
This isn't a quiz. Why don't you ask one? Or better yet dig a big hole and bury yourself in it so society doesn't have to put up with you anymore.
Dear Mrs Furst, on a drunken night out I made a friend. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that she was from Cartmel. Should I continue seeing her or run away faster than Reginald in a fight?
First of all, rookie mistake to not spot she was from Cartmel in the first place. Simply notice that they have 6 fingers on each hand, or the word "Twat" written across their forehead. However, as you didn't notice these very obvious flaws I can only assume it's been a while. In which case you are going to have to ask yourself just how low are you willing to go to, as they say in Hartlepool, "sink the turtles head" once more.
Anal?
Fuck off you weird cunt.
Why why why? Delilah?
Well first of all why what? Secondly "Delilah?" is not a question. You wouldn't just shout a name at someone and expect it to be a valid question. Don't ask any more questions like this again you pillock.
