This has roots in author privilege, I'd guess - it's easy to forget to include experiences that you have zero authority on. I can't imagine any of my cis friends being able to write an accurate, empathetic version of any trans experience. Not because they don't care, but because they have -no experience- with being trans.

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This isn't an excuse, of course. We need more diversity in authorship, and those who come from a place of privilege need to /want/ to diversify their works before we see more representation.

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Science fiction might be a vision of a future, but it's still based on a writer's personal view of that future. This happens in games all the time. The breadth of our perception of the world will always factor into the scope of any fiction we imagine. If we never challenge ourselves to see more, experience more, we might never know what to include in that vision.

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Not to say that we should never write anything we haven't personally experienced. The key is to always do research - to get to know your subject material - and if we're unsure...ask. We ask someone who does know. Find material to read. Work with people who diversify our team, who add to the experience. I wish more authors did this. Especially in sci-fi.

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I was, sort of. this one is complicated.

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I was first raised Catholic, in that I attended catholic school, where I was closeted for most of my childhood years - I knew I was queer at 7, no doubts there whatsoever, so I just stayed silent about it until about 13 when I did a little poll at school to see who of the girls would be my friends still if I turned out to be gay. One of 22 said yes. She, of course, later came out as also queer. The data gathered meant I decided to keep quiet until university about being queer, but also meant I never stopped hating myself for it.

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Home life was different, but not. My mother and step dad were very liberal in what they defined as religious - they were those hippie types that studied lots of "different cultures" ...new age stuff and "ancient" stuff and just everything. But their background and basis for perspective was still small town and narrow minded. They would say things that sounded like they tolerated queer people but then in the next breath would inform me that it's all a choice and that no one ever HAS to be gay. Don't even get me started on gender stuff. They weren't having any of that. It was all a choice, or a trauma manifesting as a lifestyle of attention seeking, in their minds. We were sick people who needed their help. They were here to save us. Maybe not by God, but by the power of Choice. Ugh.

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Anyway.

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The answer to how does one build tolerance and acceptance in ones self after being conditioned to hate and judge is a tough one. It comes down to compassion, for others, but also for yourself - and your conviction in the desire to change. You must practice in both words and actions the compassion and tolerance that you wish to have. Read everything you can to address the bullshit logic we were instilled with - why homophobia and transphobia and racism are justified - dump it all out and find new, accurate, progressive information to replace it with.

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And when you DO have a transphobic moment, and your friends call you out on it, remember: it isn't as simple as that transphobia being "you" - it is a BEHAVIOUR. Behaviours are changeable. The guilt you feel for thinking those things is, of course, real. It means you have remorse, /and it sets you apart from the people who really think those horrible things./ Remembering this helps us not get too defensive when we need to reflect and do better.

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It's all a journey. Being bigoted is common - recognizing that we have these behaviours and working to change them is a huge step in the direction of personal and societal growth.

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The hardest thing is making sure our unconscious actions aren't coming from a place of bigotry. We may not even know when we are showing prejudice - staying conscious of your actions is difficult, but possible. Strive for it always, be kind, have compassion, and remember to be patient with yourself. You are a good person - and you will continue to get even better. Your words and actions are proof of that. Stick with it.

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My gender and gender performance (I draw a distinction for this answer not because I believe those things need to be different but rather because I'm going to talk a lot about who I am vs how I'm seen) are aspects of myself that I've been conflicted about for most of my life.

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There was a time pre-puberty when I looked in the mirror and saw only a boy and was upset that my family always told me I was a girl and I "didn't look anything like a boy" - confusing.

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There was a time when I was told I had to be hyper feminine, that I was a woman with a woman's body and had to embrace that in order to be a woman - confusing...

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There was a time when I myself decided to address my own feelings about being trans, and was told that in order to /not/ be a woman, I had to be a man (and be SEEN as a man) - confusing!

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For some, none of these are confusing - they resonate with the definitions, and are comfortable, and that's ok! The fact that I find these statements to be ...internally incongruent, let's say... is telling.

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At some point in my journey, after I decided that I wasn't comfortable with the idea of transitioning "fully" to be seen as a man [again, to be SEEN as a man, I make a distinction here], I resigned to the idea that I wasn't "actually" trans, under a binary definition of gender. It was years later that I explored the ideas of being non binary, of being fluid, and of both the conflation and separation of gender vs gender performance.

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I'm not going to fully touch on my insecurities here, but know that at this point almost every part of me was worried that by asserting myself as non binary and asking friends to use neutral pronouns, I was risking my friendship with them. This comes from a place of past trauma. If I could go back and talk to me of three years ago, I'd say something like:

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**Your friends love you. Even when some of them have a /really tough time/ using gender neutral pronouns, they respect you and want you to feel safe and comfortable. Trying your best to work under this assumption will do a lot for not only your confidence, but also your friends habits. I empathize with how hard it is, especially with the prejudice you've faced, and the anger you've been the brunt of. But trust in your gut! If you think this is who you are, and trying it on feels good, then don't deny yourself that feeling. Other people get it their whole lives. You deserve it, and always have.**

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Insecurities aside, I still wasn't sure if gender neutral pronouns were a) right for me and b) "enforceable" - but I wanted to give them a shot, because I understood one thing: "she" didn't feel right.

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I've been using them for a few years, and the effect has been measurable. It's funny how one little pronoun can invoke so much confidence when my identity is constantly being questioned, even if by myself! It's those little moments, when someone uses them with ease, that remind me: yes, I'm on the right path.

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