@Bard_of_justice

Stacy

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How can you be happy without money?

This seems like a bit off topic, but I guess because it has come up a few times with the website this may be a good topic to come up.
I tutor twice weekly in primary school education to a young lady. Very sweet young lady. This nets me £60 a week. My husband takes care of the rest. I am a house wife. Before that I was homeless. Before that I was a teacher, just making enough money to pay my rent and go to work. I subsisted. And I was okay with that.
With the site, everyone who works for it has other jobs, or knows that they can't get paid without donations. And we would all love donations so that I could pay the writers and the editors and the mods. It would be wonderful. However, it is also a situation that we knew going in that we may never have this happen and were prepared to run the site for free. We just wanted to write.
I can be happy with this because I love writing. My god, I love it. I've been writing since I was 6 and I don't think I've stopped in 25 years. I've been taking classes, giving classes, writing freelance, writing books (that were utter shite I can assure you) and doing all those things, for free, anyway since the beginning. Now that my husband can support me, even with my pittance of £60 a week, well it's enough to make a woman reach out and hope for the best.
Some day I can hope that maybe I'll be picked up by someone. That someone will recognise all of my writers and pick them all up. They're talented people and they deserve the best. But if it doesn't happen, I'm still doing something I love. Even after I manage to find a job (hopefully soon), and even after the site settles down, even after all of that. I'll be writing and that makes me happy, with or without the pay to support me.

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What have you learned from your past?

Well that old adage that you can't run from your past is EXTREMELY true if you have PTSD. Seriously. You cannot escape your past. I relive it all the time. Every moment I am awake, every moment I am asleep. When I'm in a good mood, when I'm in a bad mood. When I'm angry, when I'm scared, when I'm happy, when I'm mad.
The truth is, it's like being stuck in this weird black hole of time. Part of my body is stuck in 1991, or 89, or 93, or 97 or whatever year my memory needs me to be in right that moment. And even as I am sitting right here, at my computer, typing away these words, I'm in another world checking to see if my mother is awake by pushing her leg with my toe and hoping she just doesn't wake up again. And if she does that she isn't mad at ME. Because somehow she's always mad at me.
In the real world, I'm sitting on my bed, my husband is at the foot of it doing whatever he's doing, and my comforter is pretty and the bed is pretty and everything is clean and pretty, but at the foot of my bed is also my long haired self as a wiry little kid bending over her body, a real life movie that isn't a movie, but is happening?
You just can't run. I can close my eyes, and there it is. Always right there.

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Who do you trust most in your life?

No one. It hurts to say that, but it's true. I think the closest I got to trusting someone was a student of mine, back when I first started teaching, and he was too young to understand how to lie, and he loved me like he loved his own parents. I trusted that, for some reason.
Despite having friendships that have spanned nearly 2 decades, a husband, a somewhat supportive family... I find that I can't trust anyone. That I have always been much safer on my own. People have let me down time and again, perhaps because I am used to having to hide away what happened to me as a young child, or perhaps because I had to fight to get people to believe me, it became nearly impossible for me to learn how to trust.
As I grow older, I feel that this may never actually fix itself, but I could be wrong. Eventually I will get into therapy and hopefully that will help this feeling of distrust out. Until then, I will try to make up for it with extra kindness towards those I don't trust and don't want to let near.

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How often do you lie to people?

A lot. On a daily basis as a matter of fact. Usually when anyone asks me if I'm doing okay, I say yes. This most often is a lie.
Let me make this perfectly clear, there is no right way or wrong way to live with a mental illness. Some people deal by talking about it, some people deal by pretending it's not there, and some doing something in between. I... I get called stoic, or strong, or brave because I seem to deal with it. But the truth is, there is a lot of pent up emotion in there because there is no way to deal with the memories, the feelings, the rage and anger and hurt that all is bottled up inside of me.
Each day I try to pretend that I am okay. And for the most part, I think I am. But on the days that I am bad, I also try to pretend that I am okay. And that is not good. I lie on those days and try to convince myself that I'm not ill, and try to convince others of the same thing. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to myself. It's probably the one thing that makes it the hardest to live with PTSD and OCD. Because the lies I tell to them, and tell to myself, isolate me in ways that are almost impossible to describe.

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What are you interested in?

You know... I'm just interested in being alive. For so long I wasn't quite sure I'd live long enough to make it out of my mother's house, and now that I have I just want to be alive. I want to live every single day and find something beautiful about it. Even the days that are the worst, and there are days where I can hardly stand to get out of bed, the way the shadows will fall, the way the covers smell of my lotion, the way the world moves by at such a wonderful, perfect pace outside my window, the sound of laughter at 2am as drunken university students stumble home from the pub. There is always something beautiful to be found, and I find that to be more interesting than anything.

What websites harm humanity?

I would say Reddit is on my list, and not too far off from saying Twitter as well.

Would you rather be able to visit 100 years in the past or 100 years in the future.

100 years in the future. The unknown is what is scary. Even though I love history and would love to see it for myself, I would love more to know what is going to happen. The ultimate spoiler, if you will.

What is the least stressful job you can think of?

Least stressful job I can think of? For me? Well, probably being able to work full time on my novel. That would be amazing. For other people, hell I dunno.

What would be the best job ever for you?

Full time writer. I would love somehow to make money doing the website and writing for it, but I highly doubt that's possible.

If you had to give someone lessons, what skill would you teach?

I already give lessons, all primary school lessons, so maths, social studies, reading, science, etc. Plus most high school subjects minus physics and chemistry, and some university subjects. I'm a tutor, and I used to be a teacher.

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A journalist, I had a picture of Edward R. Murrow next to my bed. He was a huge inspiration to me. I loved him. That or just a writer. I knew I wanted to do something with writing though.

What do you like best about your hometown?

I technically was born in another state, and then lived a bit in a tiiiiiiiiny town that had like 100 people in it, but I consider Bloomington my home town because I spent the most time there. That said, the best part? Indiana University. It offered me so many opportunities I wouldn't have gotten anywhere else.

How did you make your first money?

This is the truth, honest to god, I made a newspaper that I distributed to people. I sold it for $0.10 an edition. I think I made a few dollars every edition. It had news in it, an editorial section, and even a small comic I made myself. It was great.

What is your idea of paradise?

People fucking being nice to each other. Holy shit that would be amazing! Seriously it was one of the things I love the most about coming to Sheffield, everyone is like 100 times more pleasant to each other than they ever were in the US.

How much would it cost to buy your love?

Nothing, I tend to love everyone I meet. Seriously, I will care about you almost the moment I meet you. My friendship is not hard to win.

What do you think should be done to people who create SPAM on the Internet?

I think they should have to answer every single email of SPAM they created, with a long and thoughtful reply.

What was the dirtiest job you have ever had?

I always came home the filthiest when I worked for Steak N Shake, when I had to work the shake station. I didn't have to do it very often, I was usually a server, but sometimes because I was cross trained everywhere in the kitchen as well, I was stuck on shakes for the night.

What kind of flowers should you give to a girl?

I am non traditional, I love roses, but they're so... overused. So I'd go with something like tulips. Because they're so beautiful. Or daisies, because they're so sweet.

What is the most beautiful place in the world?

I would think it's just being with someone you love. It doesn't matter where you are, as long as you're with someone you love, then you're in the most beautiful place in the world.

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