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Gonihht

https://online.seterra.com/en/vgp/3007
try this one. I looked and looked and could not find the one I used to use. Then I realized I had saved it on my old laptop that died two years ago.
So after much searching, this was an acceptable substitute. I'll continue to look for better ones.

You open me like a book... and turn the pages like they’re all yours. Going back, and flipping forward, you scroll through my book. Our.. book.

??????????
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another time. But if I got stung now I’d be fine. I don’t need to worry about it anymore. I was a very accident/pain prone kid.

I love it when you tell me stories of your childhood. I am right there. I can picture it. I can see you being that little, that scared and doing exactly that, kicking the back of the seat. I want to take that scared little boy and hold him so tight. I want to love him and give him so much comfort.. but then I think that's the job of a parent, so I hope you had that when you were young.
I have tears thinking of what we both went through as kids, then our early teens. When the time comes, when we feel safest.. in bed, in the dark, late at night.. when we can't even see each others' faces.. we will talk. we will go deep into our past and speak of memories that we haven't spoken of in years. It will be our bleeding. Together..
thank for you giving that description to me. for sharing a part of your life with me.
I hope you're sleeping.
goonighty my jared. (I feel I haven't said that in a very very long time)

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ilbmtaitw’s Profile Photo jared

???????????? last night I was looking and thinking of that tattoo you have posted as your your picture. I love it (:

I plan on getting it someday... but not until I have someone with me to hold my hand cuz i'm kinda a big baby about needles ?
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On the way to work now.. I had fun in state but got sunburnt and now I have tan lines that I have to fix ASAP... ?

you're supposed to be tanning at the gym! you shouldn't let yourself get burnt!
this is kinda funny, but know how important it is for you to look.. uniform, with your skin tone.
I wish I had hours to give you. I lose so much time every weekend that it takes me until Thursday to catch up every week.. then it starts all over again.
I hope you enjoyed the game, I heard "blue" won. It was free for everyone, wasn't it?
Going to take a quick break and get some food. I … listen.. I hope you know I think of you way more than I come on here. It's .. hard not to.
I think of you so much.. I am hoping your life is easy and your relationship with your parents is solid. I am waiting to hear that you've heard from your people and that you're traveling soon. It must be hard to not know, as plane tickets are so much money and I think it sucks that they don't give you enough time to buy the ticket earlier so it's less money. But I know everything I'm thinking/saying has gone through your head too.
I know how hard it is to deal with your life when you have very little control over it.
I'm headed out with friends to get some ice cream or .. idk.. maybe mcdonalds
I could visit you at 2 am :) haha
kissy kissy babe

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Life isn’t the same without you here with me.. I miss my Bethy

one day things will be better than now, better than they were.

I said sorry because you told me that our talk wasn’t intended.

I know.
don't apologize for something that ended up making us (us, right, as in you felt it too) good, comforted and full of love.
to be honest, when I gave you that, I didn't expect a response bc I knew you were away and having fun and being with family, and when you are, I am not in your .. how you might say.. rear view mirror?
so, responding for over 2 hours was definitely not intended, but welcomed. and a wonderful feeling to be filled up with.

Enjoy your night, I hope for progress and clarity for both of you. I’m sorry I made myself a part of your day where it wasn’t intended. I appreciate the times I’m able to cross your mind. Have a great night and weekend. I love you ?

I realize I said something about this discussion not being intended when I only meant to give you that poem.
I realize you must have thought that I was thinking it wasn't a good thing, but far from it. It was good. It was the bright spot of my day, my week. Like you said, these quick impromptu conversations are the best kind. It's.. freeing. it's opening up and giving of each other, simple feelings, simple descriptions that can go deeper. and then to the next level. all levels we reach can most assuredly end up with a deep feeling of trust and love and compassion. you make me feel that. thank you. I didnt' mean to snap at you. I'm sorry
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Will you tell him you’re late because of me? Or will you say something else? I have a lot of layers, and you’re able to move around in them. What words I choose to give you is parallel to how I choose to view you. I didn’t mean to drown you in myself, I’m sorry I gave you too much too quickly.

I just did.
I told him i was talking to my person, my best friend, the love of my life and someone I couldn't live without.
He just smiled and told me to go back and stay as long as I wanted..
i am full of tears now.. so much emotion in me .. i am a lost little girl jared... i am .. at a very ... a close edge. .. i cant descirbe it.. too much pain and love and angst and guilt and hope and despair and .. eerything.. so much
you gave me your pain. thats what you did. and you have every right to bleed to me. bleed eveyrthing. for i was the cause of your pain. and i didnt' know. not the depths of it. and it makes me .. it made me pull back like a snake bit me. or more like... more like my beloved pet dog.. a mans best friend.. suddenly bit me. hard. and i reacted.. by styaing away from what bit me.....

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I love your visions. I like when you describe our future like I see it.

it is a way of giving myself something positive to see, to look towards and work for.
i am now going to let this end, as I feel i need to go.
this wanted intended. I had found the quote about love in a book and remembered giving a version of that to you at some point. it felt.. important to say again.
go see your friends and family. enjoy your college week-end

Oh wait, Bethy, don’t you have to go? You were supposed to leave at 4:15... sorry to keep you. I can’t seem to find the key to lock my thoughts back up. My words flow with ease. I feel I’ve talked a lot more lately, to you. Letting myself getting closer and closer. Have you felt it? Realized?

yes.
my brother is waiting patiently.
its okay
yes you have talked a lot lately, more than ever ever ever.. in our entire history.
its.. probably what i always wanted, but it was also a stark reality that made me step back. afraid.
it had a lot of feelings that made me .. hurt. be in pain. self pain. i.. i hurt myself a lot the last few weeks. not ... not what you're thinking.. but.. enough that i have stayed away out of guilt and shame.
i have felt and realized it. and it brings me many feelings.
tears even.. now. but i won't end like this, with tears. it was too hopeful of a converstation to go back to the dark part ..

I look forward to that time as well. It will be wonderful to have that with you someday.

were you hurt?
i need to know if that hurts you..

I like pineapple yellow. I don’t like any shades of orange in yellow. I hate mustardy colors. And dull greens. I like things that have filled their potential... juicy, dense, saturated colors when I think of fruit. Not too vibrant, but not lifeless. I love the colors of nature. I love art.

yes. you would understand all colors better than most. i do not like greens either.
i cant wait to see how you paint. how you put your thoughts and visions in color. is that easy to do? to make colors vibrant and not dull?
you will paint outdoors. I can see you in a studio. a large brightly lit, high ceiling round room. windows everywhere. your canvas on the floor. your paints everywhere. canvas's in every part of the room. its away from the house. in the back part of the yard with nothing around it but meadows. grasses. bird feeders and houses so it attracts nature. birch trees with the bark torn off. ... thats the tree i was told to write on with the charcoal found from a fire. use the paper thin bark of a birch tree and write on it.
you painted those once. the birch trees with the birds. i loved that.
i am late now..
this has been a flowing, cotton candy time. it was.. needed.

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You can always let yourself go in me. Tell me your thought, please.

.....
there was a time, when i let go like this. to someone.. in person.
i would have those kind of thoughts and talk about them. we'd discuss it. in depth. and i could go on and on, about specifics and.. deeper. it was something i enjoyed. educating myself. and sharing with someone who had many thoughts about life. I .. don't miss the person, but I miss the exchange of thought. I... i say this as basic as i can. I look forward to the times when i will sit in a bed with you and let myself flow, without hesitation. and all of it.. all of me.. will belong to no one else.

It’s beautiful. Is yellow a new favorite color of yours?

no, actually, i have never really liked yellow. i don't wear it, i wouldn't pick it as a color for anything, but it is very prevalent in nature with fruit, flowers, leaves and grasses

Okay... then what’s the last mistake you’ve made?

thinking i could switch majors to something i wasn't sure about, and finding out it derailed my entire year.
making me have many many little mistakes along the way.

Oh wow.... what a beautiful mind you have.

just observing.
you do the same thing
i just spew it from me with ease, especially when it's here, with you.
i am... i am so full of so much thought that it would leak out of me if i let it. but i control it, contain it. disperse it like an eye dropper sometimes.
( i would like to say something, without hurting your feelings.. but i am sure it would. )

No, I want to be in control. But I’m not... yet.

you will be soon.
Forsythia. look it up, you will understand what I meant by the little flowers and no green leaves.
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No, that never is fun. And we hangout during the day, so I don’t mind. I’ll find happiness in something. I don’t need much. He’s aware though, but if he wants to go out I will not expect him to stay home with me.

I'm sure you could hang out with all the people you know from high school that are up there. I'd guess that's about 100 kids at least

My love for you is so fluid.

like water.
please dont drown me.
please stay a drip drip drip...
if you don't... im so sorry to say it like this.. but what happened the last few weeks with your words... has nearly drown me. I know its not fair to you, and the ugliness of it all is just that, ugly.
for that, I'm very sorry.sorry for how i am, and how i have to deal with my life

And how easily we’re able to understand each other and what we mean is so satisfying and comfortable.

that happens because we let each other in
you have given me that comfort to let go, where i have not allowed that from nearly anyone else.
i have to leave in a minute...

That’s exactly what I was looking to hear you say. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

? about the colors?
yes. an easier life.
my colors seem to be more greyish hues lately. i hate it.
i looked at these yellow bushes the last few days. So many of them. I even picked some off. I have to go look up what they are, but i loved them. Know why? they were just sticks. Sticks with hundreds of bright cheery little yellow flowers all over them. And guess what? No leaves. Nothing green. Just sticks with delicate yellow flowers. And not stems, nothing to easily pick, i mean, hard wood sticks. It made me see something. I saw... (this is weird, I'm sure, but you don't mind my weird)
I saw.. strength. I saw this.. beautiful delicate production coming up from just a bunch of ugly sticks. and it came up first. before other trees and flowers in the ground. before grass is even really green. It came up without the aid green leaves to give it food so, no photosynthesis.
It came up without all that added help. And it's beautiful and delicate and doesn't die off in a day or two, it seems to last for weeks. I see that as such strength. I .. I was relating myself to a bush. (i do that sometimes, i try to find things in nature that adapt in bad conditions so I can relate. so i can see growth, and hopefully find a way to have that fuel me.. )

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No, I understand you (: never be afraid of words you give me. You are not able to mess up. You have no mistakes.

i am when i say things so fast, like i am now. I tend to let my brain talk, and my fingers have a hard time keeping up.
i am... i am a bit less full in there lately, there hasn't been room for you, or thoughts of you, or .. anything else other than dispair and sadness and anger and frustration and ... many bad things. I have an upsweep for a few hours like now, before a downward spin again tomorrow. I think it's why my brother and i do what we do on Friday nights.
I mistake all the time my friend. all the time.

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