@bttrcp

stephen michael mcdowell

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youre gonna be 30 soon. thoughts on life progress so far?

seems real, magical, ephemeral, glad i documented a lot of it in writing & art, glad i survived past 25, glad i experienced an earnest instance of 'falling in love' & got over the societally programmed 'fear of death' p early in the process, glad i cultivated an active rather than diversionary process of dealing w trauma & achieved a feeling of contentedness that mostly overpowers suicidal ideation, glad i formed strong friendship, pedagogic, & familial bonds, glad i resisted falling prey to most major institutional control systems, glad i did five dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms in silent darkeness, sad i hurt ppl i care abt, sad i lost ppl i cared abt, feel overwhelmed by the amnt of trauma & severe discontent that seems intrinsic to the experience, looking forward to potentially 'falling in love' again

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do u still live at ur parents house? do u have a job?

re parents house, yes. re job, not a conventional or regularly paying 1, my only source of income currently is ppl purchasing my album 'soloviveium' which can be downloaded at http://spatiumdeus.bandcamp.com

do u blame ur lack of success on white ppl

i dont currently have a definition of 'success' bc i dont currently have a specific enough set of 'life goals' for it to perform as a resolution to, but in the context of my previous potential successes in the literary & art worlds, partially yes, more so on ppls uncritical adherence to systemic white supremacy w regard to their assessment of & interaction w me than any individual or discernible group of 'white ppl'

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u think its right for u to demean women w bitch on ur rap album, given ur history as a rapist

i dont refer to any woman as a 'bitch' on my album, the word is on 2 records, during 'i b like' referring to myself & my oppressors, & on 'nb ( presence / precedence )' referring to ppl i care abt who have hurt me &/or become 'drunk w power' via reference to the character tetsuo in 'akira'

do you think a rapist should be promoting their new album on snapchat or really be engaging with social media at all?

i dont think i have the moral/ethical scope/conviction to accurately answer this question
the personal justification i had for making the album & for promoting it is that my body, words, & art existing in any mostly white space is a transgressive act against white supremacy & i wld be doing a disservice to all ppl of color by voluntarily removing my criticisms of whiteness from public discourse
in my 5/20 snapchat story i said that this album is 'an interrogation of my relationship w whiteness' & i hope that it will be received as a point of solidarity for ppl of color & a reference point for self-critique for non-poc who engage w it
also, i feel social & familial pressure to be financially self-subsistent & this is 1 of few healthy-seeming means i cld discern to do that
if the opinion of anyone whose autonomy i personally violated reaches me & they feel that the album is in any way a further violation of their autonomy or an act of violence against them i will earnestly reconsider releasing it, or if already released, will earnestly consider ceasing all attempts to share it
i dont currently view the album that way & therefore cant justify not promoting it or engaging w social media in a 'shld/shldnt' dichotomic context

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i only answer questions nurrrrr please phrase that in a form of a question nurr push glasses up nose ridge

i only respond to questions

do you think if you get all cute on snapchat again you might lure another unwitting victim into your honey trap? answer honestly please

no
i dont have any intention to 'lure' any potential partners by any means & openly said in a previous snapchat ( available to view on my facebook ) that im unsure if im ready to start dating or interacting w anyone romantically in any context yet
the intention w my current series of snapchat stories is to promote an album of music i made & plan to release for profit, so i can become more self-subsistent
i dont feel capable of maintaining responsibility for how others perceive me given that any & all information abt me is publicly available / easily searchable & since im open to talk w any/everyone abt my personal history
if a prsn feels private romantic interest in my snapchat persona or in me irl there isnt anything i can do further to dispel that feeling given that ive been forthright w who i am, what my name is, what ive said/done, & what ppl think of me

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no surprise there, maybe if you write twenty paragraphs about how you don't know how to personalize being honest with your dissociated core of communicative clarity you will make yourself look even better or you'll say im not trying to look better here are another 20 paragraphs where i shirk

i only respond to questions

you would go to any length to not be honest with yourself wouldn't you?

feel unsure what 'honest' means in this context

okay, do you realize you tried to rationalize your response to "do you think you could intellectualize all of the terrible things you've done?"

'Rationality is the quality or state of being reasonable, based on facts or reason. Rationality implies the conformity of one's beliefs with one's reasons to believe, or of one's actions with one's reasons for action.'
— wikipedia
based on this definition of 'rationality' i think all i did was answer the question the prsn asked & elaborate beyond simply answering 'no' out of interest in communicative clarity
i didnt try to justify harming ppl or assert a logical basis for anything i did, i read the question, reflected on past actions, felt a combination of shame, regret, concern, confusion, hopelessness, resignation, & resolve & responded w the words that seemed to most accurately convey my feelings & reflections
the rhetorical inquiries as to whether or not i intellectualized or rationalized my answer is contributing more, i think, to whatever impulse i have to diverge from self-interrogation bc it seems directed at my ego, which i try to disengage as often & completely as possible to prevent myself from willfully harming ppl

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what r u doing w ur life rn

i just finished work on a rap album, im currently focusing on promoting it before the release, in the past 72hrs tho ( to take a break ) i also watched the latest wachowski siblings movie 'jupiter ascending', the james brown biopic 'get on up', the entirety of the anime 'gargantia' on netflix & a cpl episodes of another anime im not sure id recommend bc it seems irredeemably sexist, but has been philosophically/critically stimulating for me, besides trying to make money off the album release i dont currently have other artistic or work-oriented stimuli

r u happy rn

currently, yes, i was just on facebook & was briefly reminded of how shitty everything outside the bubble of my suburban haven still is, but ive felt happy for most of today

do you realize you tried to intellectualize your response to "do you think you could intellectualize all of the terrible things you've done?"

'Intellectualization is a defense mechanism where reasoning is used to block confrontation with an unconscious conflict and its associated emotional stress where thinking is used to avoid feeling. It involves removing one's self, emotionally, from a stressful event. Intellectualization may accompany, but is different from rationalization, the pseudo-rational justification of irrational acts.'
— wikipedia
the above seems like the opposite of what i did in intention & practice, so this question seems paradoxical/rhetorical

do you think you could intellectualize all of the terrible things you've done?

no, many of the things ive done that have hurt ppl i cant wrap my head around either motive or the extent to which i hurt ppl involved, in addition im sure im not aware of all the things ive done that have hurt ppl or the extent to which those actions echoically hurt more ppl, i wish i cld, then maybe i cld figure out how to stop hurting & help heal as much as ive previously hurt

why have you shifted into an activist voice that didn't seem to be so present after you outed yourself as a rapist?

i had already been trying to approach communicating in the way i thought was as conscious, critical, & interrogative as seemed necessary, to me, at the time, prior to everything that happened in september, & i had been ( & still am ) extremely hesitant to label myself an activist or feminist, despite obviously supporting revolutionary strides toward reimagining society w a more compassionate, healthy, & clearly justice-driven mode of operation, but after realizing i was still grossly complicit in the patriarchy & especially 'rape culture', as well as after being ostracized by the majority of my white social & work groups, whom id been code-switching & white-washing a lot to accommodate, i didnt have a reason to, nor did i feel safe or entitled to, communicating w the sort of witty, observational, all-encompassing mode i had been, i started reading & watching a lot of bell hooks, angela davis, & toni morrison, rather than reading & watching a lot of terence mckenna, so i think my focus shifted & my language also shifted accordingly

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so you don't have a definition? or are you just unsucessfu?

when someone says 'successful' in the context of being an artist that means nothing to me w/o having established specific context or preset goals for what my career wld look like at age 26, which was vague at best, i achieved most of my shortterm goals up to this age but that doesnt seem to reflect the general/abstract notion of 'success' u seem to be referencing

so you would characterize yourself as a successful artist?

no, i dont currently have a definition for 'successful' in that context

do you think youre successful for your age

i lived past age 25 after being raised black & male in america so yes

what u do today

slept till noonish, went to a friends house for grapefruit mimosas, omelets, & chocolate pancakes, played n64 'super smash bros' & 'star wars episode i racer', watched 'the book of kells' on netflix, slid around on the freezing rain thats glazed over dc

who do you still talk to from the alt lit scene

i imagine anyone still part of 'the alt lit scene' who has remained friends w me wldnt benefit from public association w me & so im disinclined to answer this

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