i need to breathe

Yesterday I had everything, today I have nothing. I feel completely lost.

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What do I love? I love it when I’m in a long car ride or reading and I just completely zone out, I forget about my troubles, everything around me. I’m focused on that one thing and everything seems so peacefully. I love reading books because they make me see things differently from another view. I live though characters, I live through books. I love flowers, long hugs, shy smiles, the smell of the rain, starry nights, getting lost in a book, random acts of kindness, baggy sweaters making people smile, feeling loved, saying hello to strangers, songs that can relate to my actual situation, hot tea, thunderstorms, saying what I actually feel and writing. The only time I can actually be myself is when I’m writing, even though I know not too many people are reading what I’m writing I do it for myself. Writing what I feel is like putting down on the paper my memories and everything I love. Every single story I write has a part of me which will never go away.

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When people tell me about themselves I just find it fascinating. I don’t care what it is. It can be about their day, what they like to do, what they hope for the future holds, anything. I like getting to know people. I like their sparks in their eyes when they talk about their passion and how much they love it.

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After reading these paragraphs a person can really say they got to know the real me, if not I hope they will.

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The Real Me

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I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes in my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.

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I want to travel. I want to feel the ocean water on my skin. Most of the time I try to convince myself that the future is yet to come; but someone should remind me: yesterday was once future too; tomorrow soon will be past, and I still haven’t moved from here. I miss cities I’ve never visited, the books I never read, the hearts I never broke, and the tears I never shed. I crave for the love I never got, the thoughts I never had, the smiles I never showed and the person I never was.

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When I say “I miss you”, I really do mean it. I’m not the type of person to only say those 3 words when I need something from you. If I tell you that I miss you, it means that you mean a lot to me. Not only does it mean that you have positively impacted my life, but also means that I want you to stay. I know people come and go, and that’s life, but I’m going to be honest, I want you to stay in my life.

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What my problem is? I get attached fast. And once I get attached to someone I do everything to please them and make them happy. It’s never about what I want; it’s always everybody’s needs before my own. I give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of me, and I push them away. But I’m okay with that because they’re in my life and that’s what all I really wanted. And even if they screw me over, I’ll still be there for them, because that’s me, that who I am. Once I get attached to someone, they capture my heart and they always have a place there. That’s why is so hard for me to just

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I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds.

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What I don’t get about life? I don’t get it how someone can erase you from their memory. How someone can just delete your existence. How someone can just walk pass by and you pretend nothing happened between you two. How someone can completely forget about all of the memories you’ve made together. How someone can get over you so quickly. How someone can just lie to your face. How someone can just lose the feelings they had for you unexpectedly. How someone can change your entire mood in a second. How someone can walk away like you meant nothing. I just don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense to me.

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What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of being happy because in just a few seconds I can lose everything and everyone in my life. Being happy is just a feeling that you have in a certain moment but what happens to the happiness when it goes away? What happens inside me? Yesterday I had everything, today I have nothing. I feel completely lost.

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What do I

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Ein Gerät das Erinnerungen löscht, sie aber irgendwo sicher aufbewahrt, dass man wenn man will und stark genug ist, sie wieder anschauen oder sogar speichern kann.

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Momentan gibt es drei Menschen die ich gern aus meiner Erinnerung löschen würde.
- Eine Person würde ich insoweit löschen dass ich mich zwar an ihn aber nicht an die Freundschaft erinnern kann.
- Eine Person würde ich gerne komplett löschen, jede einzelne der wunderbaren Erinnerungen weil eben gerade das sie so schön sind aber nicht mehr als Erinnerungen sind macht es so schlimm...
- Und die letzte Person würde ich gern vergessen da ich ich so viel falsch gemacht hab und es mir eigentlich nur schlecht geht wenn wir noch Kontakt haben ich aber ohne ihn nicht kann weil er mal die einzige Person war die mich aus jedem Tief geholt hat.

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