What's wrong with being a masochist? Also is there a way to fix those type of people?

February 21, 2014

By definition, the word means inflicting pain on one’s self. Generally people who inflict pain on themselves do not value themselves. You don’t hurt someone/something you love. Masochism is considered to be an abnormal state, but you can certainly have your own opinion and think there is nothing wrong. There is a saying, “There is a fine line between pain and pleasure.” Many people try to flirt with that line. As far as “fixing those people,” they need to want to be helped before anyone can do anything. When patients have come to me regarding such issues, it is always tied to something from their past. Good therapy can assist those wanting to be assisted.

Liked by: Abraham

Is 18 too young to get married?

February 21, 2014

There are many cultures in which 18 is either average or possibly a little late, but in most parts of the world people are getting married older, many in their late 20’s to late 30’s. One of the reasons for this is so that couples are more financially secure and/or more secure in their careers. That being said, there are certainly individuals who are ready and mature enough to be married at 18. There are many considerations to marriage, and all of them should be carefully considered before taking that step. The only real question is ... Is it too young for you?

are guys really from mars, and women really from venus?

February 14, 2014

It seems like it sometimes. Some things are cultural, but most things are gender related. Men resolve issues internally and are offended if someone tries to help without them asking. It's almost a sign of disrespect. Women solve things externally (they talk) and are offended if someone does NOT offer to help without being asked. Neither is right or wrong. Just different. If a woman asks if you are hungry when the two of you are out and about, do NOT answer, "No, not now." She is telling you she is hungry. We all need to become more relationship bilingual.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.

Liked by: Aye Aye

Why are chicks so emotional? They seem to be drama queens.

February 14, 2014

Wow! If I were you, I'd make sure your testicles are well protected. Really?? "Chicks??" Do you also tell them they belong in the kitchen?
Women have a much larger amygdala, which is the center of emotions. They may be more emotional, but they are also much more in touch with their emotions then men.
I wouldn't be surprised if the women who know you are asking, "Are all men assholes?"

Liked by: Aye Aye

Do all women get pms? Any remedy?

February 14, 2014

PMS or pre-menstrual syndrome is not just being a little bitchy once a month. It's serious, but no, not all women experience the symptoms. Most women will get some cramping and moodiness, but it really depends on each individual. BTW, here a fact not often discussed. Women who experience PMS are also more likely to experience a milder version right in the middle of the month, too. It all has to do with hormones.

My kid bro is dating my BFF. I think it's creepy. He says to f/o. Can I still b friends w her?

February 14, 2014

It's really up to you. You have to examine why this bothers you so much. Yes, it's a bit out of the ordinary, but if they are both happy and not interfering with you, what's the problem. I'm sure there are some out there who will say I'm off base and there is some unwritten rule, but think about it. If she's still a good friend and not ignoring you, then ???

Liked by: Aye Aye

Please settle this argument. I say babies r male first then the sex gets picked. My gf says they r female first.

February 14, 2014

I hope you didn't bet a lot on this because you are going to have to tell your gf she is right. Yes, all fetuses start out female and then the testosterone bath kicks in. The ovaries (not yet fully formed) descend and become the testicles, the vaginal opening closes and becomes the scrotum, and the clitoris lengthens and becomes the penis. Sadly, sometimes nature doesn't complete the task, and individuals are born kind of half and half.

Do females really get their period together?

February 14, 2014

When females live together, their periods tend to begin to coincide. So, the answer to your question is "yes." One of my male patients is the father of three teenage girls. His wife and all three daughters get their periods within days of each other. I told him he needs to build a tree house and stay there because he's the bait in a shark feeding frenzy once a month. Even a good tequila can't help this one!

where r all the good men?

February 14, 2014

Funny. The men are always asking where all the classy women are.
The term "good" means different things to different women. If you keep running into frogs, then maybe it's time you evaluate what you really want and stick to that. Our app, Love Shopping List (free in the Apple App store) can help you with that. You're probably still going to have to kiss a whole bunch of frogs before you find your prince, but at least you'll know what you are looking for. You also need to look in the right places. If you aren't running in circles with people who have the values you want, you aren't going to find what you want. It's difficulty to fly like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Happy hunting and Happy Valentine's Day

Liked by: Aye Aye

My daughters boyfriend is a slob and smells like weed all the time. I don't want her to be mad at me so I keep my mouth shut but it bugs me. When is it ok to say something?

February 14, 2014

Let's get something straight. Your number one job is NOT to be your daughter's bff. Your number one job is to be her parent. If she's mad at you for protecting her from making a huge mistake, so be it. This is not an anti weed statement, it's a parenting statement. I do a lot of work out here in California with the drug rehabs. I can tell you that if he smells like weed all the time, your daughter has a serious problem on her hands that she is probably not prepared to handle. If you as a parent do nothing, then you are going to be partially to blame for what happens. I always believe in trying to talk things through, but you need to step up. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!

My gf says I should pay whenever we go out. I'm not rich. What do I say?

February 14, 2014

You tell her exactly what you just told me. You are not rich. This is 2014, and there's nothing wrong with splitting the cost of going out. She probably wants to be considered your equal in every other way, so she needs to step up and be your equal here, too. She can't have it both ways. If you have explained that it is really stressing you because of the money, and she continues to insist, then she cares more about how things "look" than how things really are. Step up and lay it on the line with her, but do it in a respectful way. Many years ago I stopped dating a girl because she told me I needed to get her a three carat marquise engagement ring. The relationship ended two days later. I've really been meaning to send that girl a thank you card, because three days later, I met my wife!!

if I don't do what my wife says she gets angry. If I do what she says she tells me I'm weak. WTF???

February 14, 2014

You have a serious problem in your marriage. Underneath this yo-yo effect your wife is unhappy. Without really knowing it, she is putting you in a no-win situation. You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. This is a set-up. She is going to push you until you can't take it anymore, and then you snap. At that point she will point a finger at you and tell everyone you are nuts.
You both really need professional help. This is a situation that will only get worse with time, so don't think it will go away. She may be reacting to a lot of stress, and you are her personal toilet. Keep in mind that it isn't necessarily anything that you actually did or didn't do. That's why it's so important to get help to identify what is at the root of her unhappiness.
Get her some flowers tomorrow anyway. Happy Valentine's Day

I love my boyfriend except he smokes cigs. How do I get him to stop?

February 14, 2014

The reality is that you can't make him stop, but you can choose not to tolerate it. You can explain that you love him but you are not willing to be with him when he has been smoking.
Most people know what second hand smoke is. It's having to inhale the smoke of someone else's cigarette. Well, there is also what is called third hand smoke. In someone who smokes ALL the cancer causing elements in the cigarette are in his hair, clothes, car and belongings. You are exposing yourself to almost all the dangers of smoking without actually smoking. If your boyfriend is not interested in protecting you, you need to do that for yourself.
Yes, it's hard to quit, but the health hazards from smoking are well documented. Ultimately, you are only in control of you. If you are that important to him, he will honor your request.

I'm genuinely a good girl, but all these guys keep pushing me to do stuff. I finally gave into this one guy and now he thinks he can get it whenever he wants it. What do I do to get these guys off?

February 14, 2014

I'd like to take just a moment to explain behavioral training, because this fits it to a tee. First, there's consistent reinforcement. If you want the bear to walk across the room, you give it a food pellet every time it steps in the right direction. Once the behavior is established, you switch to random reinforcement. You only reward the bear every 3rd, 4th or 5th time. Because the bear doesn't know when the reward will be coming, it keeps stepping repeatedly.
You passed right by the consistent part and have just randomly reinforced all these guys. They kept trying and trying until you gave in to one of them. The message you sent was not if you would give in, but simply that if they asked a whole bunch of times, you would eventually give in. You trained them. If the guy thinks he can get it whenever he wants, you've probably given in more than once. Just like girls, guys talk. You've established a reputation. The only way to undo it is to not give in anymore. Once the "reward" stops, their behavior will go away. NEVER feel pressured to give in to anything, especially when it involves sex.

How can you tell if a shy boy likes or has interests in you

February 14, 2014

Body language, especially the eyes, is often more revealing than words. If he's watching you he's interested. Whenever you see him looking, "reward" him with a smile. You may have to make the first move. Especially if he is shy, make it a soft, gentle move. Just engage him in a conversation. It's a great way to start. You will pretty much know instantly how interested he really is. Even though this isn't the "usual" way, some guys, especially young and inexperienced ones, really don't know how to tell you they are interested, and there's always the fear of rejection.
Happy Valentine's Day

How can you tell when you push the borderline of talking to the person you like

February 07, 2014

They will generally let you know either with face and body gestures or directly with words. Try to not let it get to the point that they have to say something. Be more socially aware.

How do I talk to guys every time I talked to a guy I liked I always start talking about sports they play I tells them I don't understand so help but no matter what it goes down hill

February 07, 2014

One of the best moves I ever saw a girl make was a good friend who was pissed about guys talking football. She did her research. Some guy made a comment about a particular game that weekend, and she blew him apart with real football details. Do your research about the sport he likes. You will be amazed at how much attention you will get from him.

I've been in love with my neighbor for years, problem is I can never seem to get a conversation going. She's always so nice to me (and to everyone) but I still feel intimidated by her

February 07, 2014

Maybe she's not interested in you. If you've put out the messages, and they haven't been returned, you need to let go. You say she's always nice, so just leave it at that and move on.

How do we tell this really creepy girl to stay away from us at lunch? Nobody likes her.

February 07, 2014

Dear Mean Girls Club Members, try being nice to people who need it the most. Just because she's different doesn't mean she is creepy. Try reaching out instead of being an emotional bully. How sad for you that you act this way toward another person. Why would you want to intentionally hurt someone?

If my parents got divorced does that mean I will too? What are the chances?

February 07, 2014

It doesn't mean that you will automatically get divorced, but, yes, it increased the chances statistically. I would definitely do some short-term therapy so that you can identify the baggage you are carrying around as a result of your parents divorce that you don't even know about. That will certainly help decrease the chances that their divorce will negatively influence you.

My boyfriend goes days without showering and I told him he is not allowed in bed like that. Now, he wants to sleep on the couch.

February 07, 2014

Hey, Babe, he's your boyfriend, and it obviously doesn't matter to you that you are with a person with such disgusting hygiene. People don't change behaviors unless they are uncomfortable. You need to tell him to leave and get back to you when he respects you enough to clean himself up. BTW, this doesn't sound like it just happened. Why have you put up with it for so long?

Do you think Woody Allen really did it?

February 07, 2014

There is no way anyone can say anything about this unfortunate situation for sure. This has been going on for decades. We can all only hope that the parties find some resolution. Over the many years of being a psychologist I have seen and heard almost everything, so nothing really surprises me anymore. But since I have no real information other than what I, like you, read or hear in the media, I won't pass judgement.

Guess what? My mom gets sloppy drunk and then hits on my boyfriend. I try to tell her that I know what she is doing but she says I’m making it all up. Should I video her doing it?

February 07, 2014

Absolutely you should video it. Your mom is an alcoholic and is an embarrassment to herself and everyone around her. She needs help, but it's not up to you to help her. You can't because you are not trained to do it. You would seriously benefit from going to Alanon so that you have the support of others who have been through similar situations. If your mother actually sees herself, it make shake her to the point of doing something positive, but don't count on it. Alcoholics are all about making excuses and justifications for doing what they do and blaming everyone else around them. Please get help for yourself.

My boyfriend wants us to try heroin one time when we have sex. Can that hurt?

February 07, 2014

Do yourself a HUGE favor. Dump him. Tell your boyfriend to go have sex with Rosy Palm and her five sisters (think about it). Yes, it can hurt. Heroin is a dangerous drug. Just ask anyone who was friends with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. If you really love something, you don't endanger it. He's only thinking of his own self-satisfaction and not about you. We really need to talk about your self-esteem, girl.

Our neighbor creeps me out. I’ve told my parents but they just say I’m imagining everything. What do I do?

February 07, 2014

You don't say specifically what you neighbor does that upset you so much. Is it odd looks or something much more serious? You can try taking a video, but make sure you start keeping a log of exactly what is going on and when. If it gets worse, go to another authority figure and explain the situation. Unfortunately, some parents are too quick to dismiss what children are saying as an exaggeration. I'm also concerned about your relationship with your parents if they are discounting your feelings. NOT GOOD, PARENTS! LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD!

Dr. Andrew

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