My husband is in Afghanistan and his friend is always dropping by to help me but I think he wants to help himself to something else. What should I say to him?

September 20, 2013

First, he is NOT your husband's friend! A lot depends on your personality, but you definitely need to clearly define the boundaries. Remember that unfortunately to many guys no means maybe, and maybe means yes. It's better you deal with this sooner than later before things get out of hand. You can try telling him that you and your husband appreciate all the help, but you won't need any help until your husband returns. If that doesn't work, you may have to be direct, but you can still be gentle. " I really appreciate all your help. I would hate to see a good friendship ruined by any foolish action, so thank you for helping, but I won't need any more help now." Hopefully, that will draw the line.

Me and my gf r 21. We want to get married in a year. Too young?

September 20, 2013

There are cultures where people marry at 16!! The answer to your question is really another question. Are the two of you mature enough to handle the stresses and strains that come with marriage. Some people wait until their careers are set and they are more financially stable, while other prefer to got through the process together. It's really an individual matter. I will tell you that my wife was 21 and I was 22 when we married, and we will celebrate our 44th anniversary this January. It can work out if two people commit themselves to making it work.

My son is going to marry this girl & it’ll be the biggest mistake of his life. How do I stop him?

September 20, 2013

I had a mother ask me that same question two days ago. I suggested she have him get Love Shopping List on his iPad. She called me today and said he is "reconsidering." As a parent it's very difficult to stop an adult child's relationship when he or she is convinced the person is right. The disaster usually comes when your child has realized he/she never did his/her "homework" and "due diligence" regarding the relationship. This was actually one of the driving forces behind us creating the Love Shopping List app, so that people would stop and think things through carefully.

Do dating sites really work?

September 20, 2013

In 2013 dating sites have become a standard way of dating. If you ask someone who has found someone else they really like, they will tell you the sites work. If you ask someone who hasn't had success, they will tell you the sites don't work. They can work if you remain selective. We are often asked of Love Shopping List competes with dating sites. Remember, LSL doesn't match you with anyone. It just makes the matches easier and better, giving you real control over decisions. We have had many people who have been matched up on dating sites use Love Shopping List to help do the final evaluation. All those to whom we have talked are very happy they did LSL at the end of the dating site process.

Should I still date this girl even if she scored low on your app?

September 20, 2013

Love Shopping List is designed to HELP you choose, not make the choice for you. Of course, you can still date a girl with a low score. Keep in mind she scored low against YOUR list and YOUR priorities. So the question is why would you go against what you logical mind is telling you (and probably those around you)? The nice thing about the app is that it is objective. It doesn't have an opinion. It just gives you a score. But definitely keep in mind if it doesn't go well later that YOU told yourself there were problems.

What do I do if my family doesn’t like the girl I’m dating? Or, what if her family doesn't like me?

September 20, 2013

You both have to sit down and have a mature discussion about why each other's families have a problem with the two of you together. Is it cultural? Is it religious? Is it racial or ethnic? Is it educational? Is it socio-economic? There can be many factors mixed together. The best way to overcome an obstacle is to meet the families directly. In certain cultures you must ask the male head of the household before asking a girl out. Some countries may see this as sexist, but it still happens. It becomes a question of, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy." It would be nice if it could be both together, but sometimes you have to do a little people pleasing to get to a goal.

I say I can get pregnant without sex. My bf says no. Who is right?

September 20, 2013

Tell your bf to go seriously study his biology books. Assuming you mean when you are not having sexual intercourse (as opposed to artificial insemination, e.g. sperm bank), it's like Bill Clinton's old line, "It depends what is is." It depends on your personal definition of the word sex. Some people consider only sexual intercourse where there is actual penetration as the only true definition of sex. Sperm have a kind of built in radar. If they are deposited at or near the opening of the vagina, they can easily find their way. So even setting the artificial method aside, yes, you can become pregnant without having intercourse.

How do I figure out if a guy I like is right for me?

September 20, 2013

One of the advantages of our app, Love Shopping List, is that it does exactly what you are asking. It helps you figure out if the person meets your needs based upon your own set of characteristics and their priorities, not something that just appears on a computer. It's easy to use, and it's a free download from the Apple app store. About 90 minutes ago one of my female patients decided on a second date with a guy because he scored so high on LSL. It doesn't guarantee the guy is right for you, but it certainly helps you decide in a reasonably objective way.

I went out with this guy, and my brother says his going to kick the guys ass. When I asked him why, he said because the guy is trouble. I think the guy is cute. How do I get my bro to back off?

September 20, 2013

Your brother may be controlling, but he obviously cares about you. Rather than argue with him, ask him calmly what he knows about this person. He may have information that you do not have, and the guy may come across well but be trouble. If you think the guy is worth it, try setting up a meeting so your brother can get to know him better. You may be seeking your independence, but when there are people around you who really care, they don't want to see you get hurt.

When r u supposed to get checked for stds

September 20, 2013

Anytime you are sexually active you be checked about every six months. There are so many std's including HIV that can be transmitted. Having safe sex does not always insure you will not contract something. It's best to be tested so you know. Most std's can be dealt with using medications if they are caught early, including HIV. As most of you know, there is also a vaccine for HPV, and that's really important to get, male or female. Better to be safe.

My friend says I can speak into your app to enter characteristics. Is that true?

September 13, 2013

Yes, but only if you have the 4S or the newer iPad. You also always have the choice of manually typing in the characteristics or using our patented Category Cloud. If you haven't tried the Category Cloud, I would strongly recommend using it. You will discover many more characteristics that you probably have not even thought about.

Is your app accurate in scoring or is it just a novelty?

September 13, 2013

Our algorithm for Love Shopping List scoring was developed over years of working with couples and relationship. It was tested thoroughly even before being coded into an app. It's designed to be entertaining, but once you use it you will see that it hits REALLY close to home if you have been honest with yourself.

I started dating this great gal. After about 3 weeks she invited me over to her place. I found out she has a cat, I'm really allergic to cats. I told her I can't come over unless she gets rid of the cat, but she says I should just take Benedryl and stop being so selfish. Should I stop dating her?

September 13, 2013

Unfortunately, people who really don't understand that an allergic reaction can kill you, tend to discount what you are saying. Try educating her and explaining what anaphylactic shock means . If she really cares about you, she will listen. If she doesn't listen, get a new girlfriend, preferably one to whom you are not allergic. It's really not worth risking your life over someone who is being insensitive.

I'm 17 and dating a really neat guy. My mother won't let him sleep over. She says I'm too young. Her brother, my uncle, is 44. He's brought lots of women over to our house and they sleep over. How do I convince my mother that it's not fair. Is there some "special"age?

September 13, 2013

Firstly, there is no "special age." That being said, it's your mother's house, and she gets to set the rules whether you think they are fair or not. I agree that she is sending out mixed message by allowing your uncle to do the same thing she is prohibiting you from doing, but she gets to call the shots. The standard argument from those in your position is, "Would you rather us just sleep together in a car somewhere or in a park?" Nice try, I doubt you're going to win this one. I used to try to play attorney with my mother on some issues. She would just look at me, smile, and say, "I love you." The discussion was over.

I'm a 15 yr old girl. I'm really attracted to this other girl. I never had feelings for another female. Does this mean I'm a lesbian or bisexual?

September 13, 2013

Despite religious and cultural barriers it is normal to explore your sexuality at your age. It doesn't necessarily mean you are anything other than normal. Those around you need to give you the space to explore your own feelings. One of my patients was convinced she was a lesbian throughout her teenage years only to fall madly in love with a wonderful man in college. Another of my female patients tried dating boys throughout her adolescence only to discover she really had no desire to be intimate with males. She is happily involved with her female partner. Give yourself time to discover who you really are without worry too much about it. I realize that hard core religious people will be very upset with my answer, but I'm approaching the issue from a clinical perspective and not one of judgement.

My bf and me are both almost 15 and in love. My parents keep telling me I really don't know what love is. How do I make them understand?

September 13, 2013

One of the biggest mistakes adults make is telling teenagers they don't know what love is. One of the biggest mistakes teenagers make is thinking they know what adult love is. Love at 15 is very different than love at 25-30. Our brains are not fully developed at 15, but that doesn't mean we can't feel love. It just means we are feeling 15 year old type of love. Some people call it "puppy love." It's still an emotion, and makes us feel happy. The issue here is really about good communication between you and your parents. It is not about winning an argument, because you are both right.

My grown children are really having a tough time with my boyfriend. My husband passed away 8 months ago, but they say it's disrespectful to their father to date. Is there a proper time period?

September 13, 2013

Anytime a parent has passed away, children have difficulty with the remaining parent becoming involved with someone else. There is no proper time, but many people feel that six months is a reasonable marker. This is a very complex issue with no simple answers. Was the death unexpected? Was there a prolonged illness? Were the children closer to the deceased than to the remaining parent? Are there religious norms involved? Are there cultural norms involved? Ultimately, you have to feel okay with whatever is going on. Your children may need help getting through this phase.

Is it really true that women have a g spot?

September 13, 2013

Whatever technical name anyone would like to give it, yes, women have a G spot. It is about an inch inside the vaginal opening on the front side of the vaginal wall. It feels similar to the soft palate on the roof of your mouth toward the back. No, it's not just someone's imagination. Most women find it extremely pleasurable when it it massaged digitally gently.

My gf has some habits that really bother me. She tells me I'm just too picky and just deal with it. To me they are important.

September 13, 2013

Whenever two people come together, they are going to bring habits that are things the other person is not used to. Some are important, some are not. I always advise my patients to make an A,B & C list. The A list are those things you are not willing to compromise on. They are deal breakers. The B list are things that are really important and, in order to feel comfortable in the relationship, need to change. The C list are behaviors that, while annoying, you are willing to overlook. That's called compromise. Only you can define which category her behaviors are in. If they truly are A list items, you have a major problem. If they are not, you need to sit down with her, maybe in therapy, and talk about what it feels like when she just blows you off. Not respecting each others' feelings is certainly not a way to have a healthy relationship. Here's a funny example. My mother ALWAYS had a salad dish for dinner. At our first meal at home together alone my wife did not put a salad dish down. When I questioned her, she looked at me and said, "If you want a salad dish, go get one." The topic never came up again, and I learned to put my salad on my dinner plate. Compromises will go a long way to help a relationship as long as you are not compromising core values.

I'm having trouble figuring out whether or not my bf is the right one to marry. I'm only 24 so I can take lots of time. Is there a love formula to really know?

September 13, 2013

Our app, Love Shopping List (available in the Apple app store) was designed to do just that. Until you really know what you want, it's difficult to figure out if someone really meets your needs. You need to identify the most important characteristics you are looking for, and then they need to be prioritized. It's very hard to objectively evaluate a relationship when you are looking for your soulmate. That's why we wanted to help. AND it's free. Don't be afraid to continue to modify your list and your priorities. It will help you figure out what is right for you. Good for you for asking this question before taking the next step.

my gf and i want to get married but both our families are upset. she's catholic & i'm jewish. any suggestions?

September 13, 2013

While it may not be a factor for you or your girlfriend, religion is often a key factor for families, although less so in 2013. If religion has played a large part in both your families, which it sounds like it has, they are going to be upset. There are many mixed religion marriages that are successful provided that the issues surrounding religion are thoroughly discussed before marriage and particularly before bringing any children into the world. Neither of you have control over you families, and your families are asking you to choose your religious heritages over each other. If the two of you decide to proceed, it will indeed test your resolve. I have had many couples who have navigated the murky waters of religion successfully, and I have had others where the family pressure has been so great it has broken up the relationship. I would strongly suggest the two of you get some objective professional help to sort this out.

Okay. so my new boyfriend and I recently started dating. I had just got on birth control & we had sex unprotected. we broke up & I missed my period. we are now talking about retrying. but I could be pregnant. HELP.

September 13, 2013

Firstly, you need to talk with your doctor about birth control. Most docs say to wait three cycles before depending on birth control. That being said, get a pregnancy kit to check things out. If you are really unsure, see your doctor. Unexpected pregnancy when you are not married is a difficult emotional crossroad. Before hitting the Oh-Shit button, first find out if you are really pregnant. A missed period is not always a sure sign of pregnancy. If it turns out you are pregnant, you will have to make some decisions. A lot will depend on your familial, cultural, and religious norms. Hopefully, you have a large support system. If there is anyone to whom you can talk that can provide a mature perspective to help YOU and not impose their own values and morals, that would be great. Otherwise, seek the help of a professional so that you are fully prepared. There are many resources if you are pregnant.

We think we are in love and want to get married but we are not sure. How can we be sure? We don't want to end up as another statistic.

September 06, 2013

I commend you for wanting to make sure before getting married. Our app, Love Shopping List, was developed and refined through being used over and over in actual clinical couples work. Yes, I'm prejudiced since we developed it, but other clinicians have used it, as well, and say that it helps couples be much more confident in their relationship decisions by making them think through exactly what they want. There are no guarantees, but clearly defining what each of you want certainly increases the odds that you will not become another statistic. It's free in the Apple app store.

My wife has an elderly aunt who lives in arkansas. She wants us to have her confederate flag when she dies. She’s 94. Neither one of us want it, but we don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should we do?

September 06, 2013

At 94 she grew up in an era where the Confederacy was still looked upon as legitimate and important. Unfortunately, in some parts of the United States it still is. Since she is still holding onto this flag, she does not realize the negative symbolism behind it and prejudice and hatred it represents. You are not going to educate her at her age. The best advice is to say thank you and then dispose of it, assuming that you and your wife feel the same way. It's best to pick your battles, and this one is not worth fighting.

My gf & me are both white but we got many mixed friends. Her father keeps coming out with racial comments. She says to ignore him, that he is just uneducated. I really don’t like being around him and would like to tell him off when he makes stupid comments. How do I handle this?

September 06, 2013

Unfortunately, you are up against prejudice and ignorance. You can politely tell him that you are not comfortable when he makes racial comments, and that you and your gf have friends of color. You and your gf should sit down together when you talk to him so he knows that she backs you. He may be insensitive and blow you off, but it's worth a try. Unfortunately, racism is still alive and well.

Dr. Andrew

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