My GF is an alcoholic and a lot of fun but I don't like her when she is sober. What to do?

July 19, 2013

First and foremost, if your GF is really an alcoholic and you really care about her, you need to seek help. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, so she probably feels less inhibited and more playful. There is something in her past that prevents her from being "a lot of fun" when she's not drinking. Your situation will begin to deteriorate rapidly the longer her problem does not get addressed. I certainly hope you are not feeding her addiction for your own self-serving needs. Do you like her or just the fun? If you really care about her, both of you need to seek professional help.

My wife won't allow me to go golfing with the guys but she gets to have her weekly girl's night out? What's up with that?

July 19, 2013

You don't say how long you've been married, but it sounds like the two of you never made the transition from single to married very well. You also don't say how much golfing you do and how long you are gone or how much money you spend. You need your time, and she needs hers. There's more to this than what you are asking in your question. Who is mad at whom and why? Have you tried sitting down with her and honestly discussing the issue? Don't let this continue as it could get a lot more difficult.

Why do I always choose the wrong guy?

July 19, 2013

It sound like you are not being selective in your relationships and just going on impulse. It doesn't work. You need to take the time to think about what you REALLY want in a relationship (That's what our app is designed to do.). One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Slow down and really think about what you want. Don't settle. That's why it's always the "wrong guy."

I want to use Love Shopping List to hook up. How long does it take to set up?

July 19, 2013

Love Shopping List does not match you with anyone. It makes your matches better. It sets up a shopping list of your personal priorities and only takes a few minutes to set up. That being said, the more careful you are setting it up, the better it will function as a filter for those you are or will date. A lot of LSL's power comes from making you really think about what you want and what you don't want.

My girlfriend won't let me select her engagement ring. I tell her she should be thankful she's getting one. Advice?

July 19, 2013

Your argument is quite condescending. An engagement ring is a very important piece of emotional jewelry. Women differ on how they feel about ANYONE picking their jewelry. Some are comfortable and have faith that their honey will pick something they like, others not so much. Remember, this is something she will be wearing hopefully for a very long time. You can playfully ask her what she likes and really almost get it right on target. Most young couples today think that picking out an engagement ring together is a really important and emotional event. Don't turn something that should bring tears of happiness into tears of anger.

My BF is not texting me or calling me anymore. Have I been dumped?

July 19, 2013

Before jumping to conclusions, do a little detective work. You don't say how long this has gone on. Being dumped is certainly one possibility, but you never know. Did the two of you have a fight? If so, he may be "punishing" you, which is sooooo junior high school. Has this behavior happened before? There could be any number of possibilities, so before you give up, find out what's really going on. I actually had one couple, reverse situation, in which the GF's phone battery was dead. She was at a out-of-town conference and didn't realize it until that night. It may not be looking good, but find out first.

I love my GF but she has to everything her way or she freaks out on me. What do I do?

July 19, 2013

Relationships are about compromise. You don't have to compromise on every issue. Sometimes something is more important to one than to another. But in general compromise is the best way to go. Unfortunately, your GF's behavior is most likely a learned behavior. She learned a long time ago, probably as a child, that if she throws a tantrum, the other party will give in. You need to have a serious talk about this because the relationship is doomed unless you are willing to roll over on every single issue, which I seriously doubt. You might consider going to couples therapy to see if an independent expert can help the situation. Many times it's just a matter of talking things through. Explain that you really love her, and you want this to work, but you are having a lot of difficulty with her always freaking out. She may tell you that a lot of it is your fault, which is why you might need professional help.

Our religions are very different. Should we get married?

July 19, 2013

The answer to this question really depends on how important religion is to the two of you. You are both wise to consider it prior to getting married. If you are both Christian, it might not be too difficult. But if one of you is, let's say Catholic and one is Jewish, or one is Baptist and the other is Muslim, you might have some serious issues arise later. You also need to consider the possibility of a future family and how you might raise children. For many families, this is not an issue and both religions are celebrated. For others, while religion might not appear to play a significant role while dating, it may become a huge issue later on. I have had couples divorce over religion. They never discussed it prior to getting married. The key here is what is important to both of you. You need to have an honest talk with yourselves and then with each other.

It's so over. I ended my engagement because I found him texting his girlfriend! I deserve the ring. Is there a law?

July 19, 2013

This is really a difficult situation. Technically he gave you a gift, and he would be hard pressed to take legal action to get it back. I am curious about your statement that you "deserve the ring." Does that mean you had to put up with a lot of things? A judge might look at your position of entitlement and have an issue with it. Because of the expense and significance of an engagement ring you might just want to avoid a prolonged fight and return it. Why would you want to keep something that represents and emotional connection? Are you trying to get even with him? I would sit back and use this as an opportunity to reevaluate what you really want in a relationship because, clearly, you did not have what you wanted in this one. You can use our app, Love Shopping List, which will help you figure out what went wrong. Don't be consumed by the anger. Move on.

How do I teach my boyfriend to leave the toilet seat down?

July 19, 2013

Ah, yes. You are not the first female to ask that question. On one hand the male answer to your question would be, "You leave it down, we leave it up. Deal with it!" Of course, you could take advantage of the old saying, "Happy wife, happy life," even though he is only a BF. For the men reading this, remember that if she leaves it down, you really don't have a problem, do you. However, if you leave it up, especially at night, and she sits down, you both have a problem. Males think about it. Do you really want to be on the receiving end of what will surely come from a female sitting all the way down into the water? I doubt it. Explain the logic to your BF, and ask him nicely to cooperate for "health" reasons, yours and his.

How do I get my husband back in shape? I don't look like that!

July 12, 2013

Don't approach it as an issue of looks. Approach it as an issue of health and how concerned you are. Try to emphasize that you want to spend many more healthy years with him. Suggest doing activities together, no matter how low key they may be for you. The biggest modifier of behavior is positive reinforcement. Be sure to "reward" him at each step of the way. It's technically called successive approximations. Once he is able to visibly see the results, he'll kick in. Don't overlook any psychological/emotional difficulties he may be having either. Often times letting oneself go is a red flag for stress and depression. Based on the wording of your question, "back in shape," he was in shape at one point. That makes the job much easier. Remember that it's a process. Depending on his age, make sure he gets a full physical before starting on a workout regimen.

I'm bored w my bf and I hate my life and my family sucks. What next?????????

July 12, 2013

Are you using your bf just to escape? That may be the reason you are bored. You don't say why your family sucks, but it sounds like between your bf and your family, it's everybody else's fault. What's going on in your life that's so terrible? What is next is what you make of it. When a person tries to be happy from the outside in, she/he is always looking for somebody or something to make them feel happy. It will never work. You need to be happy from the inside out, and it sounds like you need help with that. That doesn't make you weak or a wimp. It makes you wise because you are dealing with reality in a very productive way.

I got married because I got pregnant. It's been 5 years now and I want to call it quits. Should I???

July 12, 2013

Unfortunately, if "doing the right thing for my child" is the only reason you got married, you have a major problem. You really need to discuss your situation with a professional to see if there is any hope of salvaging you marriage. It's not impossible. Why do you want to call it quits? You have to have an honest talk with yourself. Many times people in your situation are trying to recapture some of what they feel they missed before getting married. Going back to the previous question, divorce ALWAYS harms a child. You have more to consider in this decision than just yourself.

I need more sex from my bf. He's great and all but I like getting drunk everyday and having sex. Anyone anytime! Is that bad?

July 12, 2013

I'm way more concerned about the drunk part than I am about the sex. You may not like to hear this, but if you are getting drunk everyday or even close to it, you are an alcoholic. And if it's anyone anytime, you place little to no value on yourself. You are addicted to alcohol, sex, or both. I'm sure this is not the answer you wanted to hear, but it's an honest answer from a professional. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has told you this. People with good self-esteem don't do what you say you are doing. And one more question since your behavior is a red flag. At what age were you sexually abused?

How do you protect your kids in a divorce?

July 12, 2013

No child goes through a divorce without scars. All children are adversely affected by the family splitting up. I have often been asked to work with parents going through divorce to find a common parenting ground. What I tell parents is exactly this, "The extent to which you can both set your egos aside and keep your children's emotional health as a top priority will determine how minimal the damage from the divorce is." Notice, it does not say there will be no damage. Divorce damages children. When parents can at least be civil and realize they will forever be involved with each other, the children benefit. Too often one or both parents try to alienate the child/children from the other, using them as pawns and sacrificing them for their own self-serving needs. That's selfish!!!

I'm dating again but I don't want to make the same mistakes. I always seem to choose poorly.

July 12, 2013

One of the reasons we devised the Love Shopping List app is exactly to address this problem. In all likelihood, you never really sat down and came up with a list of characteristics and then really prioritized them, so you are playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with your relationships. The app creates exactly what its name says, a shopping list. When individuals or couples come in to see me about relationships, and I ask what they really want, the number one answer is usually, "I don't really know." If you don't really know what you want, you are doomed to repeat your mistakes. #LoveShoppingList should really help you make better relationship choices in the future.

My sis is 15 and I hv a prob with her bf. He's 19 and I know crap about him.

July 12, 2013

As everyone knows, females mature faster than males. But in this case at her age, she is being lured. A 19 year old male going after a 15 year old female, aside from being jailbait, is only interested in one thing. A lot of how this gets resolved depends on your relationship with your sister. If you approach the situation in a caring manner, you are more likely to get better results. If your sister is a rebel, your whole family has a problem. In any event, she is a minor and needs to be protected. Too often I have had to do therapy with young females who were convinced that "he really loves me." It's devastating to find out the truth. All this being said, there are cultures where this particular age is not a problem, so a lot depends on cultural norms.

How do I convince my hubby to travel more? I mean with me of course not just for work.

July 12, 2013

Show him brochures of where you want to go. Looking at a picture of a white sand beach, blue water, and tan people can have a major effect. Also important is to let HIM pick some places. When there are different tastes, it's better to trade off. My wife does not distinguish between vacation and travel, whereas I do, so we alternate. Sometimes men get so involved with work, we forget how to relax. The question that has to be asked is about the status of your marriage. If it's rocky, he may not want to go with you. Communication, as usual, is a big key to addressing the problem.

My BF is 28 yrs older and my friends r mkg jokes. I can't take it anymore. How do I mk it stop?

July 12, 2013

Your friends may be using humor to try to get a point across to you. 28 years is a very large difference, and they may see things that you don't. We all get reflections of ourselves from others, and there is no better "mirror" than true friends. As hard as it might be, try not being defensive and sit down with them. Ask them why they continue to make jokes. If they are REALLY your friends, they will be honest with you. You can always disregard their advice, but most of the time true friends are right. If this is a heterosexual relationship, one has to ask if he is just trying to recapture his youth, or is he afraid to date women his own age. If you are absolutely bent on continuing the relationship, tell them, without anger, that if they are your friends, they will stop the jokes because the jokes are hurtful.

Whats da rule for dating a BFF ex?

July 12, 2013

Welcome back to LSLLoveAdvice.

There is no hard and fast rule, but most think after 3-6 months a person should ask. The real question that has to be asked is if dating the ex is worth giving up your relationship with your friend. In most cases the answer is "no." A good friend will always remain a good friend until certain lines are crossed. It's not worth it to give up a long standing relationship for a fling. On the other hand many successful marriages have happened by dating an ex because the chemistry between the two people is better. This would definitely be a good time to have an honest discussion with your friend.

I just received a text that HE is breaking up with ME and I want to show him what his car is going to look like tomorrow!!!

July 05, 2013

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned!! It's one thing to think about what you would like to do, but if you carry out your fantasy, you could create way more trouble than you could imagine. Is he really worth you getting yourself into megatrouble? I doubt it. Take a few deep breaths, and think about your future.

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I've got a girlfriend who wants to get married now. I've been her GF for 8 years. Will that change our relationship?

July 05, 2013

Thanks to the new ruling by the Supreme Court, you both can probably do that now depending on the state in which you live. Marriage changes relationships. It is a more permanent arrangement regardless of the people who say a piece of paper from the government does not make any difference. But that is not to say it is good or bad, just different. It can be either or both. Life is dynamic, and everything we do, every choice we make, affects our lives. If the two of you choose marriage, may it work out as both of you dreamed.

I've been with my GF for 2 yrs and we want to get married. Should I tell her about my past GFs ? She keeps asking.

July 05, 2013

If your GF is easy going and honest, yes. If she tends to be jealous, proceed with caution. You have to ask her if she REALLY wants to know and if she'll be okay with whatever answer you give her. One couple I work with had that problem. The woman said she was ok but just wanted to know. The instant he told her the truth, she got up from the session and left. She sent him a text breakup. The question you have to ask yourself is, "Is she going to find out anyway?" My personal feeling is that honesty is always the best policy. It's like Tom Cruise's line, "You can't handle the truth!" If she can't, there are much bigger problems under the hood.

What about mother in law probs? We got em but my BF just says ignore. How is this possible when she is so controlling? Frustrated...

July 05, 2013

Remember that when you married him, you married his family. Unfortunately, your situation is not unusual. You need to have a serious conversation with him that includes either he boundary with her or you do. Without knowing a bit more, it's hard to judge, but my guess would be she has been telling him what to do his whole life. She view you as getting in the way. The boundary doesn't have to be harsh. In fact, it can include "partnering" with her. But if you don't set a boundary, things will only continue. If he is telling you just to ignore her, he is not listening to you, and that, in itself, is a problem.

My GF wants an open relationship but I'm not liking it. What should I do?

July 05, 2013

There are two possibilities here. Your gf may have a different sexual appetite than you, or she may just not be as committed to the relationship as you are. Communication is the real key. If the characteristic of being monogamous is high on your priority list, this is certainly a make-it-or-break-it issue. Open relationships are workable when they are okay with both partners. If either is uncomfortable, and the other will not budge, it's time to move on. As with my answer to the previous question, it's always better to find this information out in advance of moving into the more serious stages of a relationship.

Dr. Andrew

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