ŋorhan El-Hussein مِيلآدي..~

It doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep I get because I still wake up feeling tired. Mentally exhausted. No amount of coffee can cure it. It’s tiring to repeat the same routine day after day. To know exactly what is going to happen in the morning because my world has BECOME unsurprising, predictable. I wake up. I work. I scroll through so and then I fall asleep again. It’s tiring to keep convincing myself that everything is going to be okay, that things are going to get better, and then having more and more things go WRONG around me. I keep forcing myself to think positive, to raise my expectations, but it’s only a matter of time until the disappointment sets in again. Only expectations can kill you and burn everything around you within your soul . It’s tiring to talk to people, even if they are close friends or family members, because the conversations are always the same. They ask the same questions. They complain about the same things, only on different days, using different words. Sometimes, it feels like the months on the calendar are falling away without any time passing. We lost enthusiasm and passion , we've became Chaotic disintegrated people .
I keep trying to find new ways to grow, but there are some days when that hard work falls away. When I feel like I am right back at square one.
It’s tiring being me lately. It’s tiring to feel this way when I know there is so much I have to look forward to in the future. When I know there is still so much of this world I haven’t explored and can change that at any point in time.
I want to better myself. I want to make a change that will expand my happiness, but I’m not sure what that would entail. I’m not sure what step I’m supposed to take next. I feel like I’m lost.
I want something, but I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know exactly what it is .
Maybe the only thing I want right now is happiness. Peace. Self-love. Self-respect. Maybe I just want to feel different, because what I’m feeling right now is numb. What I’m feeling right now I NEVER want to feel again.
Even if I don’t have total control over my thoughts and my emotions, I have total control over my decisions, so I am going to make a change. I am going to discover what I want from this world and chase after it. I am going to give myself something to look forward to tomorrow while still trying my hardest to enjoy today.
I am finally going to wake myself up, because I am tired of sleeping with my eyes open.

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- The 5th of May 2018 .

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Months ago , you entered my life . I mean you became a PART of it. I let you to do so . But finally I realize that you just disorder everything in my life , that I have built along years in few months .
You create mess , confusion and tension within my soul .You never realized that I'm like a MOUNTAIN for people around me , even me though, and suddenly I'm about to fall . I wasn't afraid of being down ,but they will be crashed into pieces as their ideal mountain is about to fall DOWN
and kill them .I’ve just had my heart stomped on, I saw it coming, and I did nothing about it. I hate this empty, broken feeling, and I hate knowing that I should have walked away from the very beginning .
I ruin my life by choosing the wrong person. No ! You ruin my life by desensitizing me. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us.

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#A_painful_experience.
The 28th of November 2017 .

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If I don’t do this now, I might not want to anymore .

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Today, again, I choose myself. My own pride. My own self-respect, my own well-being. I choose not to worry about what they will think. I choose not to worry about disappointing anyone. I choose myself. I choose myself because I’m precious. I choose myself because I deserve to be chosen.
Let time do its magic to heal you, to put back all the pieces you’ve lost and to bring out the very essence of you. I need to be strong because after everything I’ve put myself into, I deserve to have that strength. Every decision I made for my life, the entirety of you had always been taken into account. But how can I build a future with you when we don’t even have the same version of it?
There’s something I failed to consider. What if this whole time the best person you could ever fall in love with is yourself.
Self-love is necessary because it gives you the tools to survive in this lifetime. And it’s something you can do on your own. You don’t need to depend on anyone else to give you your worth or value. You hold all the power, and in a world that you can’t control, that’s an empowering feeling.
I am grateful for everything that God give it to me . It was a very hard time , but life moves on . I am not losing anything even I have left everything behind me Thanks for everything and anything. Love is a gift from God . Thanks for being always here for me .
- The 26th of November 2017.

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