noup

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“My friend once told me that if I had decided to let something go, I’d need to hold that one thing tight and count from ten to one.

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Ten. I want to go out for coffee alone and go to places I’ve been wanting to go to without the fear of running into you. I don’t want to avoid my life anymore because of my past.

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Nine. I want to go home without being afraid that everything would feel the same as when I had left. I want to stop associating ‘home’ to such a terrible place just because you’re there.

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Eight. I wanna say your name without feeling my chest tighten. As common as your name gets, be it a noun or a verb, I wanna say it straight up – not censor it, not say it backwards. I wanna say it like it never meant anything.

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Seven. I have to stop wishing you the worst. I want to stop caring about your future. I don’t want to have any thoughts about you anymore.

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Six. I need to stop waiting for that day when you’d realize that you’re sorry for hurting and throwing away someone like me. That won’t change anything anyway. I’m happy and stronger after you. I am better after you.

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Five. I must stop blaming myself for all the shit that I had to go through because you existed in my life. I have to forgive myself.

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Four. I have to stop being angry at you for not taking me seriously. For never answering my calls, for ignoring all my questions, and for leaving me to answer them on my own. I want to stop all this rage at her just because she was the reason why you didn’t come back. I want to live in peace.

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Three. I wanna stop telling myself that I’m a bad person. I shouldn’t be defined by my mistakes. I should stop beating myself up everyday just to make myself feel that I’m making up for it.

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Two. I need to stop believing that I am worthless just because you decided to throw me away. I don’t want to be defined by the way you see me, or how you came to know me, or who you thought I was. You never really knew me.

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One. I have to stop rewinding to that day when I first met you. I need to stop thinking of what could have been if we had never met. I have to accept what happened. I have to accept that you left.”

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i can’t really eat in the morning :/

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“And then one student said that happiness is what happens when you go to bed on the hottest night of the summer, a night so hot you can’t even wear a t-shirt and you sleep on top of the sheets instead of under them, although try to sleep is probably more accurate. And then at some point late, late, late at night, say just a bit before dawn, the heat finally breaks and the night turns into cool and when you briefly wake up, you notice that you’re almost chilly, and in your groggy half-consciousness, you reach over and pull the sheet around you and just that flimsy sheet makes it warm enough and you drift back off into a deep sleep. And it’s that reaching, that gesture, that reflex we have to pull what’s warm - whether it’s something or someone - toward us, that feeling we get when we do that, that feeling of being safe in the world and ready for sleep, that’s happiness.”

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that i should be my own priority and my own best friend

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“you leaving wasn’t the end of the world. I thought it was. that day you left, I thought it was the end of the world. but I eventually stopped crying and I got up off the floor and I woke up the next morning. it was not the end of the world, the sun had not exploded, nor had the continents been swallowed by the ocean.

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I thought you leaving was the end of the world, and maybe it was, in a way. you leaving was the end of that world, that world with you and me in it, together. I think that world still exists, just not here. but in this world I got out of bed and chose to wear a blue shirt and shorts and I made myself cereal for breakfast and when I checked my phone and I didn’t have a text from you, it felt like the end of the world all over again.

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I cannot tell you how many times it felt like the end of the world, like when I saw your face again and there was a vacant of feeling. I went home that day and I cried so hard I forgot to breathe. but I got up again and washed my face and I took my medicine and I went on with my life because the world doesn’t stop just because you broke my heart. the world doesn’t work that way. if your heart is broken that is your problem and you have to find a way to make your own chest stop burning because the earth is going to keep revolving around the sun and time doesn’t have sympathy for anyone.”

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following you too❤️

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“We tend to think animals are lower than us, but all the scientists in the world couldn’t design and operate a bumblebee’s wing. We can’t jump or run very fast, and we can’t carry vast weights like an ant can. We can’t see in the dark and we can’t fly except crammed in a noisy tube like sardines, which doesn’t count. Humans compared to animals are almost totally deaf, and we can’t smell a fart in an elevator by their standards. We are finite and separate, and neurotic, while the consciousness of an animal is at peace and eternal. We strive and go crazy to become more important. Animals rest and sleep and enjoy the company of each other. We think we have evolved upwards from animals but we have lost almost all of their qualities and abilities. The idea that animals don’t have consciousness or that they don’t have a soul is rather crass. It shows a lack of consciousness. They talk, they have families, they feel things, they act individually or together to solve problems, they often care of their young as a tribal unit. They play, they travel, and medicate themselves when they get sick. They cry when others in the herd die, they know about us humans. Of course they have a soul, a very pristine one. We humans are only now attempting with the recent rise in consciousness to achieve the soul that animals have naturally.”

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English level C2 baby😉

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“She was the kind of girl who no one really noticed at first. She’d sit there quietly without a sound and if you said hi you’d be lucky to get a smile and a nod.
But if you looked closely, you would notice her fingers tapping on the desk, playing an imaginary piano. You would hear her humming under her breath, just loud enough to orchestrate an entire symphony for one and avoid the ‘what are you singing?’. And if you asked her what she thought about ‘that film’ you’d probably end up talking to yourself, because she would much rather you ask her opinion on the creation of the universe or how war and poverty are justified.
In fact, she didn’t mind that no one noticed her, because when she was loud the ground trembled beneath her feet and the mountains echoed her roar. Her loudness wasn’t something everyone could handle, so when he walked up to her and they began talking about the world in all its wonder, her heart gave a little sigh, as if to say “Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.””

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I am, are you? ❤️

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“I want your Monday morning
sleep soaked eyes
dream drenched voice,
lazy bones ‘five more minutes please babe.’
I want your Tuesday afternoon
coffee break,
glasses off, laughter on
‘just hold me for a while
it’s been a hard day.’
I want your Wednesday evening
fingers through hair
teeth nibbling nails
neck craning, eye glazing ‘this paperwork never ends’
I want your Thursday night
drinks for two
bones unbind
muscles let loose
flats, slacks, ‘just me and you’
I want your finally Friday
stretch soul smile,
sun sipping light
from the glaciers in your eyes
fingers unfurl, hands extends ‘c’mon babe, let’s go wild’
I want your weekend.
your movie marathon Saturday
reading by the fireplace
kissing in the blankets
want your Sunday morning
orange juice and pancakes
white sheets, tender skin
hair like the Fourth of July ‘let’s not get out of bed today.’
I want your ordinary
and your stress, rest, release
I want your bad day and that terrible night
I want you drunk in my arms
forgetting the place but never my name
I want your lazy and your lonely
and your fist full of fight
I want you everyday
in every way
for the rest of my life.”

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