new acc: pall0r

I just want to make something clear. When I'm in a bad state mentally, I go into shut-out mode. I become hypersensitive to anything and everything that could bring me a remote amount of harm. I demonize people I care about; I find tiny reasons to alienate myself from them and I try to convince myself that I should not interact with them out of fear of slipping into a mental disarray. I shut someone out tonight and I've decided that I went way too far. We're not even that close but the point is that I'm ashamed of how I acted - actually disgusted and repulsed by my behavior. It doesn't even feel like that was me talking anymore.

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Lately I've been a fucking mess. It causes me extreme mental strain when I am told, essentially, that I do not have the right to my label. That an identity I've found comfort in - an identity I can associate with myself, does not exist. I'm not strong-willed enough to resist these conflicting opinions. They lead me to think in a destructive manner, to lash out; they throw me off for the rest of the day and trigger the worst parts of my mental illnesses. I end up questioning whether I should even fucking be here anymore, which might seem extreme, but a person can only take so much denial and rejection before shattering almost instantaneously into pieces over what may seem, to cis people, a petty disagreement.

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So here is my bittersweet conclusion: I can't control who the people around me interact with. I can feel disappointed, I can complain, I can shake my head. I will never respect someone does not accept my identity as real and valid. I cannot be friends with someone who does not understand my identity & realize it is as valid and real as the genders within the binary. I don't give a shit if people want to associate with transphobes or homophobes, whether using their religion or "logic/common sense" as an excuse for being an ass. I'll just turn my head the other way. I'm sick of dropping people because I can't deal with who they choose to associate with. Of course it makes me uncomfortable, but as long as you're just listening to what they have to say and your beliefs don't mirror theirs, I'll not bother myself with being concerned about your interaction.

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