Ask @demetrialucasdoyley:

My wife asked if I'm attracted to her said I seem embarrassed of her I'm not sure how to respond or what to do

Answer honestly BUT WITH RESPECT FOR HER FEELINGS. She's noticed an issue. That you aren't like, "huh? What are you talking about?" means there is an issue. So let's get the cliched elephant out the room and address the issue.

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Have been in an ON and OFF relationship for the past 3 years with a 45-year guy. We have the dynamic of BF's but NO title since he claims "why complicate it with titles." I have decided to walk away from the relationship and now wondering if I should have a final break-up conversation? ultimatum?

You're not in a relationship, why would there be a break up convo? Inform him that you've given it some thought and you don't want to hang out anymore. Thank him for his time and wish him well. Nothing to discuss.
The convo you want is a Hail Mary hoping he'll come to his senses. He won't. Let that go, Bae.

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Just started seeing a new guy. A couple of dates, talk daily. We’re planning our next date and I really want him to open doors for me. I’m used to men who do; he doesn’t, not conflict-worthy, just would like for him to start. Is it as simple as saying, “Hey, do you mind getting the door for me?”

Yes

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The blessing: I love that. Thank you for that. Can you "reclaim your time" even when he is the one choosing (in a cold way) to walk away? How do you get that power of "reclaiming time" when the sh*ty person walked away from you. It's hard to feel powerful when you are left.

Not matter who left who: you ain't gotta deal with the BS anymore. It's a blessing either way. Yes, you get to reclaim the time even when it's forced by their departure.

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Not OP “33-yo single independent female” followup - When you’re dating and aren’t having luck finding a partner, how can you tell if it’s you or them when nothing really works out? You mention a lot abt “common denominator”, how do you know when you’re just having a tough spell or if it’s just you?

"Common denominator" is when everyone complains about the same thing. It's you.
"I'm single at 33?" Meh. Dry spell... unless you have a bunch of people with the same complaint.
And even then, you have to decide if you care enough to change it or you want to keep looking for someone who likes it.

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How do you get over having a man have a complete disregard for you and your feelings and the unkind way in which he has treated you. He seems to really not give AF for how he has hurt me and I just don't understand how someone behaves this way. I know you say to see these things as a blessing. How?

1. You stop dealing with him. No contact at all, unless absolutely necessary (as in, he's the father of your child(ren).
2. The blessing is you're no longer interacting with a man who treats you bad and you've found the power to "reclaim your time". Focus on that. You once dealt with a sh--ty man and now you don't. That's one less headache in your life. That's the blessing.

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Firm No OP Update 1/2: I told him I was embarrassed Bc I felt like he said no w/ disgust. His reply: I apologize sincerely if that is how u took it bc it wasn’t the intent. My friends never get introduced to females so when they see some1 around me theyre extra. I felt the extra ness coming & they

"Firm No OP Update 2/2: “would’ve asked you a a bunch of questions”. So I told him it was all good, no biggie. I haven’t heard from him since. Would I be wrong / petty to go ghost? He’s cool but doesn’t seem THAT interested."
It sounds like he already went ghost. So yeah, if you never pick up the phone again, it's fine.

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Was dating guy for four months and just found out that im pregnant. He took my virginity and would take off condom w/o my consent but now wants me to get abortion. Has a son that he provides for but has ignored me for almost a week due2pregnancy. Should I expect him to be absent or is he just trying

"Pregnant... to see if i will go ahead with abortion, which im not? Also feel like I should put him on child support if he's showing inconsistencies this early in pregnancy"
Whoa. There's a lot here. But let's focus on what can actually be done at this point.
If you want to have a kid, so be it. He's showing you upfront he has the ability to not give AF about you and it's a gamble on how much he will participate in your pregnancy or any child-rearing. So yeah, he definitely needs to go on CS so at the very least you have financial assistance to raise the child you BOTH created.
And while it's probably rude AF to ask, I'm asking: you sure you want to have a kid by him? You're tied for life to the kind of guy who will slip off a condom and will ignore you while you're pregnant with your kid. Are you ok with that?

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RE bf who broke up. I don't want to beg, I just want to understand. If we can fix it, cool. If not, I'm not going to press the issue. I just want to know WTF happened since it was so unexpected. I'm not sure I believe in closure, but I'd like it.

He told you the "nice" way he doesn't want to be with you anymore and broke up with you. He doesn't want to talk about it, hence why he didn't talk about it and broke up. And you shouldn't want to be with anyone who isn't enthusiastic about being with you, which he isn't.
Your "talk about it" will read as begging. He's said he wants out. He's said he isn't good enough for you. LISTEN.
Let this go.
You're standing in your own path of happiness.

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My boyfriend of two months cheated on me. We dated two years ago briefly and are childhood friends. We love each other but of course Im broken now. I would have never thought he would cheat. I want to forgive and he is begging but I dont know how. Is it even worth it? Suggestions for trying to fix?

I know you want to stay, and my "job" isn't to tell you what to do but to help you get whatever you've decided you want: but no, Bae. No. I can't enable you here.
Two months and he's already cheating? NO. You need to walk. I don't care how much he begs. That isn't love. It's nice that you love him, LOVE YOURSELF TOO!!!! LOVE YOURSELF MORE!!!
You're signing on for a roller coaster ride thru piles of sh-- to stay here.

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Thoughts on long distance marriages? My hubby wants to take a job in Denver and I'm pretty set in my job here in Houston. We've never been apart Longer than a week. We would see each other 2x a month. He sees this lasting 2-3 years. I want to support but am super nervous about the strain.

Eh.. you wouldn't be first or last to do it. (I mean, many military families do.) But it is a HUGE strain emotionally and financially. And let's keep it funky: sexually.
If you don't want to have a LDM, you have the option of moving to Denver or trying to convince him to stay in Houston (which, unfortunately, doesn't sound likely if the Denver idea got this far).

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Why can guys fight for a girl but if a girl wants to fight for a guy to save the relationship why isnt that okay?

Who said it isn't ok? 🤔🤔

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I want my husband to cut his hair. He's wearing that cut that all the guys are wearing right now. I want to scream every time he uses that foam brush thing. So silly and petty I know. (Right?) Ask him to cut or just let it ride? Anything like this you wish your hubby would let go?

Let him be. It's hair. It's temporary.
There's ish that I don't like, of course, but nothing I'd be willing to address in a public forum. He would probably find that embarrassing/offensive, no?

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I'm a 33yr old single female. I'm quite independent however I am having a hard time meeting someone to settle down with. I have tried online dating and even then cant seem to find anyone suitable. I keep attracting younger men who don't have it together. What's wrong with me?

Why do you assume something is wrong with you?
Finding a BF and/or life partner is not an easy task. And it's a monumental decision. For some, it takes longer than others. It's normal. And common.
I'm concerned that your frustration has led you to believe something is wrong with you.

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D-what do u think about your man having a set night (same night every week) that he's designated as fellas night?

Awesome. Just schedule whatever needs scheduling around that night.
This is actually pretty old-fashioned.

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Sometimes when I go out my girl will grill me like she don't believe guys can hang at a bar smoke cigars and chill all night. Its a regular thing for us. It's harmless but I'm starting to feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's like she's upset I have other outlets. How can I put her at ease?

Take her with you one night.

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I resorted to tinder a few days ago. No hook ups just to date. Met a guy and in the mode of seeing who he is. So far he’s everything I look for in a man, like I’m shook. So shook I’m skeptical. But I don’t want to sabotage a potential. Tips?

Date him and see what he's about. Also, date others. Cause you met ONE man and you're spiraling already wondering what if and how and who. Just date. No commitment.
You need to have options so you don't operate for a POV of lack. It will help you get to know folks without the added upfront pressure of "where is this going?"

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Went on that date. He was loud and obnoxious. I was so embarrassed. He didn’t know boundaries. He told me the date was great. We talked the next day but after that didn’t answer my txt. I was relieved until he started Throwing shots at me on fb. Block, confront, or leave it be?

Block.

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Hey D! I recently heard a man say what gets a man to choose u over other women is doing the wife duties women are told not to do. I don't want to do certain things without a ring but how do I stand out amongst the women who will?

Um. That's bullish--. If you want to keep your sanity, you MUST stop taking the misogynistic opinions of every random man who spouts them as gospel.
Do what you're comfortable doing. Find someone who shares your belief/value system or at least respects it.
Expecting "wife duties" of a girlfriend is backwards. If he expects "wife duties", tell him you expect all your bills to be paid by him. He wants tradition, then go all the way traditional.
All types of women get married. Non cooking and cleaning ones, opinionated and outspoken ones, non ego-stroking ones. What they all have in common is that someone wanted to marry them too. There is no wife "type". Stop letting these men okey-done you into thinking you gotta be mama-maid-porn star for a ring. You don't.
Also, your goal isn't to stand out and compete. It's to be your dopest YOU and make sure available men know you are interested and available. YOU CHOOSE from there.

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My BF of almost a yr broke up w/ me suddenly saying he "can't give me what I need." I don't understand and want to talk about it. We haven't spoken in a few days, should I reach out?

I'm sorry that happened to you.
And no.
Unfortunately, you're missing the bigger picture. There isn't anything to talk about. At best, he can't be what you need. He knows himself better than you do. If he doesn't think he can rise to the occasion, he can't. Period. LISTEN WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE.
Worst case scenario: he doesn't want to be with you anymore, which is why he broke up with you.
He left. Accept that. There's nothing to talk about. Respect his choices as you would want him to accept yours. And whatever you do, don't go begging a man to be with you. Either he wants to be there because he does, or he doesn't.

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My cousins bf of 6 years just moved closer to her. They were living 12hrs apart. Since he’s been back he may call 3x a week.She constantly complains to me I told if she isn’t happy tell him. Is his behavior shady or nah? & am I trippin b/c I don’t want to hear about it if she’s just gonna stay?

I don't know what their Normal was before or what expectations they have of each other. But three times a week for someone you're in a long distance relationship with seems low. I mean all they have is communication in a LDR. That should be on point.
Look, you know I'm advocate of not wasting your pretty. That said, leaving is a process, especially when you've been with someone for awhile. Sometimes you gotta work up the nerve and cultivate the headspace to go. She may be trying to get herself right to make a move. SO AS A COUSIN, hear her out-- as much as your sanity allows -- and encourage her to speak up for herself and remind her of her worth. Maybe she'll eventually go.

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I get gaining his trust back isn't a game, poor choice of words on my part. However I didn't cheat, which is why I'm frustrated. Situation: out with friends, ex was there. Sat phone down, he took selfie on my Snap w/ me in bckgrd. Didn't know til bf started calling- my fault. Just wish he understood

Hmmm. Have there been issues with the ex or an ex before? Given the nature of the "transgression", this sounds more like his ego was bruised and likely the "public-ness" of it all doesn't help.
Some guys can't wait for a woman to slip up somehow so they can gain-- and keep-- the upper hand and have her working OT to keep him happy. Do you feel like that's what's happening here?
F*** up or no, you're not obligated to stay in any situation, and especially not if you don't think you're being treated right. You don't feel the punishment fits "the crime" so talk to him about how you feel. And if he can't get over it, you have to decide if you think that will happen or if you're willing to put in the work for it to happen.

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In-laws drama! My hubby and I got married and preggo with first child in the same year. We also lost the baby that year. He’s very cool with my fam but his fam is not so open and welcoming, esp after baby passed. Hubby so upset and I feel bad too..even tried to do sit down with fam but failed. Help!

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Are you willing to try another sit down? Here's the thing, it's awesome when everyone can get along, but if they aren't receptive to the idea or willing to engage, there's not much you can do here. Unfortunately, you can't force them to like you or be the way you want them to be.

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Do you think there’s a time limit on addressing issues? Married frnd changed up the way she used to respond re: my ex (gets quiet or says very little) She used to strongly agree w/ what I vented about since it was like her issues w/ her Hubby. My ex and I share a child but aren’t civil. She asks if

"Pt 2: if he’s coming to events for child. I asked for her advice as a counselor re: school incident...she gave advice but then asked if I spoke to him. All these things are odd to me. Not sure if I’m being paranoid or something’s up. Is this odd to you? Do I address? Last odd incident was a wk ago."
It doesn't strike me as odd. But I don't know what your "normal" is with her to make any determinations.
You feel a way, so speak up. It's been a week, not a decade. You're in the clear to speak freely. Just tell her what you've noticed, how you feel and ask what's up.

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Long time friend’s hubby made advances towards me. He’s clearly been cheating on her for years. Friend has mentioned trust issues, hotel receipts being found etc prior to advances being made but still doesn’t leave. Just turns blindeye. They have two kids. Do I tell her or no? I doubt she will leave

There's no point. She's decided to stay.
Check him and be done with it.

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About Demetria Lucas D'Oyley:

DEMETRIA LUCAS D’OYLEY is a journalist, life coach, and award-winning author of two books, Don't Waste Your Pretty and A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life.

Brooklyn, NY

#dating #relationships #dontwasteyourpretty #askdemetria #advice #lifecoach