Ask @demetrialucasdoyley:

Thank you. Temporary lapse in judgment. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond. And the ig comments confirm what I forgot I already knew.

Whew! Glad to hear.

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+1 answer in: “Guy checks off most boxes. Except there's no romance and he's not financially stable and he's not motivated to do better. Just talks about plans w no action. We both have a child from prev relationships. I need this to be the right fit. He is amazing in every way. But I'm hesitant”

I never askd b4 on a 1st date but Ive dated guys that have committed crimes I cnt live wth like rape and guys who were in a lot of debt like student pulse credit card debts because they cant control what they spend I jus dnt to wast time and find out a couple month after I like them. I get its rude

If you really want to know about their criminal past, that information is readily available on the Internet for a small fee. Google.
Do not ask about their debt on date one if you want to get to date two or beyond.
You may learn new information that is a turn off after you like them. You can still walk away. You don’t have to stick around just because you like someone.
Dating is a gamble. There are no guarantees. If you are not willing to take a risk, spare yourself and do not date.

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+1 answer in: “Is it wrong to ask on the first date if they have any financial debts or have a criminal record?”

Associate is gossipy. I’ve relocated; just didn’t feel like telling the world including former employer. She knows a woman who’s connected to nunformer employer. Associate asked about my new job/whereabouts. How do I respond w/o telling my business.

Why did you stay in contact with someone you clearly don’t trust and don’t want to talk to? Stop talking to her. You can not respond. You can also tell her that you’re not comfortable telling her because she’s gossipy.

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How did u get good at not assuming and asking for clarification or taking what’s said as what is meant? I notice this is helpful in biz world especially with whites. How do u get there? Most assume or expect u to assume what they meant

It’s a skill I learned in life coaching school. Changed my life when I learned it. It should be taught in classrooms.
If you don’t know, ask. Don’t have any shame in needing clarity.

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bf has disgusting tobacco habit he hid from me UNTIL we moved in. His kid & I have both asked for it to stop. It’s so gross/unattractive & I don’t want to be intimate after, idc how much he brushed teeth. Smoking is a dealbreaker for me & I’m starting to think this is too. Anything I can do?

You can’t make him quit. He has to want to. And if he doesn’t at least want to, then you have to decide whether to deal with it or not.

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in past 3 yrs bf has had an extremely steep climb in income, basically going from gov specialist to tech startup millionaire. and yet this is only giving him new anxieties about money and "how long will this last" concerns. he trusts in me bc i'm better w/ money but +

“(re: money anxieties) but when i try to sit down and walk him thru really pragmatic investment stuff he doesnt want to talk about it! like he wants me to advise him but then it stresses him out to actually get to the nuts and bolts of it. should i wash my hands of this? he *might* trust a pro, iono”
Therapist. Money worries are NEVER about money. He gotta deal with whatever is coming up BECAUSE of money.

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Me n hub relo for my job; more $. He hadnt worked in 2 yrs in prev city (is looking) 6 mos later he still hasn’t found a job in new city and is starting to get resentful he moved 4 me. I feel bad but we needed money. Do I console or should he toughen up? We can’t afford dbl bills in 2 diff cities.

He needs to find a job. 2.5 years of no work? Nothing? It’s not the new city, it’s the husband. What’s going on with him? Does he lack skills, drive? Is he depressed?
Don’t console or tell him to tighten up. Get to the bottom of the issue. It’s been lingering for two and a half years. It’s past time.
Don’t feel bad. He isn’t pulling his weight and you stepped up in the way you knew how.

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Guy checks off most boxes. Except there's no romance and he's not financially stable and he's not motivated to do better. Just talks about plans w no action. We both have a child from prev relationships. I need this to be the right fit. He is amazing in every way. But I'm hesitant

He’s not “amazing in every way” if you’re listing three MAJOR shortcomings.
If you “need this to be the right fit”, based on what you wrote, this isn’t it.
You want romance, financial stability and motivation and by your assessment, he doesn’t provide these. If this is what you want, go find what you want.

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+1 answer Read more

Met a guy 2 wks ago. exchanged numbers, he calls and text sporadically. He canceled the first date due to family obligations. Son in town, etc. He’s leaving town for work(3wks). He’s not eager to reschedule. Am I expecting to much? I haven’t dated in a while but I sure don’t want my time wasted.

Best case scenario: he doesn’t have time. Worst case: he’s not interested.
Neither bodes well for you.
You’re not expecting enough!

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OP - STI. Married 10-15 yrs. Sexually active off/on 20. Breaks b4 married. Me, no. Him, yes. Denies any other action since marriage. He's also sex abuse victim. Says he didn't know. He's going to doc for eval. I see main ob in 3 weeks. Neither positive for anything b4.

Ok. One more question: was he tested for this particular STI before and it came back negative??
And just one more question. Married for 10 or 15? Marriage isn’t a range. It’s a finite number.
No another one: I’m confused by “breaks”. If you weren’t on a break, and he was on a break and was with other people, is “break” a euphemism for he cheated? I’m unclear.
When was he a sex abuse victim? As a child? Are you sharing this to explain how he could have gotten an STI or to explain the breaks or just sharing to share? I’m unclear.

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Hubby and I got into arg about finances. I pay all household bills ( utilities, groceries, etc) plus half of mortg and daycre. besides insurance half of mortg and daycare he pays nothing else. He has a side business and makes more than me. Feels imbal, he says I’m just jealous, am I over reacting?

I can’t tell based on this description. I don’t know what these numbers/percentages add up to or what your previous arrangement was about finances.
Is it imbalanced or does it feel that way? What are the actual numbers? Did you hit him with numbers to support what you said or feelings?

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Girl friend fell out with me and other friend. Other friend has no plans of getting getting bk close but will engage on SM. She says it’s just to keep the peace. I’d rather just be done and not b fake about it. Whos right here?

Neither of you. You each handle it isn’t the way you each feel is best. You don’t have to do what she does.

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Late 30s, wife. Hubby sole sex partner in life. Hubby had experience. Last wk, was diagnosed w/incurable STI. He was active b4 me. Was told this STI can lay dormant for yrs. Getting treatment but mess of emotions. Feel alone. Not sure if I can bring myself to have sex again. What did I do wrong?

Hmmm. How long have you been married??
Your reaction about not wanting to have sex again is pretty normal.
I’m unclear why you think you’ve done something “wrong”? STIs are frequent and happen to good and non-promiscuous and “right”- acting people.
What does hubby have to say? He didn’t know he had it? And he didn’t tell you or he didn’t know? Or he knew and he was ignorant about the transmission of it?
And I’m gonna ask: any chance he recently contracted it?

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So you do things without considering or caring about the consequences right?

Er??
I’m an overthinker most of the time. I think A LOT about consequences. Sometimes I can see the likely outcome. Other times, I miss it. Sometimes I’m willing to deal with it. Even bad.
I care about some things more than others. Occasionally, I can just say “**** it all”. Depends on the issue/person.

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Hi D. Heading to grad school and deciding between two majors. 1wud be a passion nlow salary other is something im willing to do and pays big bucks. Leaning towards big bucks major cuz comfort is important to me and 1st career wouldn’t even pay enough to pay off loans. Will I regret choosing money

“Over passion in the long run? Is it more reasonable to go for career that provides stable income?”
This is something only you can decide. You know what you value better than anyone else.
And yes, you will regret choosing money over passion if you never pursue your passion. Everyone who chooses the money does at some point.
Also, you don’t have to choose in the long run. The goal is to figure out a way to make money doing your passion and do that. And if you can’t do that, you make the money and use it to dally in your passion as a hobby.

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i said i'm not close to the woman. there is a far cry between "i don't care about her baby" enough to go see her *again* 90 min away and i don't gaf about her. i don't think you can presume that i don't remotely like her bc i'm not willing to travel 90 minutes each way for a baby.

You didn’t write, “ l don’t feel like making the 90 minute drive.”
You wrote: “I do not care about her baby. At all.” It’s the last sentence of your post.
That’s the equivalent of “IDGAF about her.”’ If she knew you didn’t “care about her baby. At all...” she would conclude you didn’t like her— or her baby— either. If she had sense, she wouldn’t rock with you knowing you felt this way.
If you liked her, even a little bit, you’d GAF about seeing her and her baby.
Be more responsible with the words you use if they are conveying an unintended meaning.

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is there any helping a friend who is a good person but a turrible judge of character? in both men and friends it's like she just lacks that ability to see ppl for their bullshit. we're almost 40 and she's still getting burned regularly by people. how do you help anyone see this pattern?

Why do you feel like you have to be the person to help her?
You can’t teach “common” sense. Folks have to learn it on their own, or a therapist has to break down the barrier that keep them from acting in their own best interest.

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a friend i'm not close to had a baby last yr and keeps pressuring me to come visit. I've actually already seen the baby at another gathering. they live 90 minutes away. i do not understand why new parents act like this. is it rude to just send a gift? i do not care abt her baby. like at all.

Just stop pretending to be her friend. You don’t really like her.
If you remotely liked her, you’d want to see her and the baby from time to time, even if you’re not all that into babies. “I do not care about her baby” really just means you don’t care at all about that woman.

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my bf forgot our 4 year anniversary after reminding him 100 xs I got him a really nice card with all of our pics on it he ready the card and said how nice it was and he totally forgot but he didnt make up for it I'm mad! but in your opinion is it a deal breaker I just want the same effort

If he’s usually attentive and mostly on point, take the L and get over it. People drop the ball sometimes. It happens. If this is a consistent pattern, rethink you’re four year relationship.

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Hey BFFIMH!! I’m married with 2 kids (5 & 1 yo). I’m ready to start taking kids on out of country vacations. Hubs says no & that’s reserved for romantic getaways. I want my kids to be cultured and exposed. How do I find the middle ground? We could afford to do family & couple trips but he says no.

Start with exposing them to museums and activities that are local or within the country.
I’m all for leaving the country and exposure, but it’s not the only way to get cultured. Maybe hubs will come around when the kids are older and they can BOTH take it all in a bit more. In the meantime, take him up on the romantic getaway somewhere else since he’s clearly pup for that.
Also, show hubs pics or blogs of folks taking their kids on overseas vacays and exposing them to different cultures. Maybe’ll he’ll get that getting in the world isn’t just for romance, although that’s good too.

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Does the ‘P’ do the picking? I just had a great first date with a guy who I would say is ok looking. Should ones private parts be jumping for signal interest and success? Or maybe one more date??

One more date. Maybe.
If you have zero attraction, it’s not gonna work in the long run so save everyone their time time and money, you included. But if there’s maybe something there, or he has a personality that could make him more interesting/attractive (absolutely possible), see what happens.

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