Ask @demetrialucasdoyley:

Demetria Lucas D'Oyley
Latest answers

Been with a guy 7 years and for my birthday I planned a trip to Mexico (+ down payment) he claimed didn't wanna go because his bro recently went. He said he would plan something else, then says Chicago....knowing I wanted to do something overseas... I was furious and he said I'm ungrateful. Wrong?

Not sure. Did he ever agree to go? Like was he on board when you put the down payment down? And where did Chicago come from? Have you ever expressed interest in going? And did he go with his brother to Mexico? Cause if not, I'm unclear what his brother going has to do with him.

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Broke up with bf after dating for 1yr. He's trying to figure out life/career but never follows up on things he says he'll do. Frustrating. Didn't go to job fair/register for classes when he says he will. Want to support but he has no motivation. Am i wrong for moving on?


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is it wrong to tell guy 'this just isnt working' when he just has chronic bad breath? Hes a nice guy and it wasnt a one incident thing. 4 dates and all for times were terrible and I honestly dont have the courage to tell him why/suggest mints as i dont think theyd help :/

Not wrong

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I've been dating a man for 2.5 years. Have been suspicious for a while and became major detective to get the truth. Found out he's been in LT relationship. I'm distraught. He lied the whole time. Confronted him and called it off. I want to tell her. He threatened not to cross him. Would you?

Depends on why you want to tell her. If you tell her and she doesn't leave, will you care?

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Hi Demetria - how do you get your husband to stop being lazy when you have accepted it for so long? Been married 17 year, got married real young. Things that were acceptable at 23 is no longer acceptable at 40.

He's not changing. If he's been that way for 17 years, that's just who he is.

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Married w fam 25 years. My 40 yo son from past relationship fell on hard times, needs money. Wife doesn't want me to help him. He's never been in trouble, just needs money & willing to create payment plan w me. Otherwise he'll be homeless. Wife doesn't care, not budging. Wrong to give money anyway?

Tell her you gave it some thought, and you've decided to help your son. You respect her feelings, but you're not allowing your child to go homeless.

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I met a guy who I really thought was feeling me. Lots of flirting, great conversation, and he even came with me to an event after work. I was a little floored when he said he lived with his girlfriend while we were getting drinks after the event. I am attracted to him. Do I stop hitting him up?

Um... he has a girlfriend. Yes.

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Any way to come back after your man has told me I'm annoying and irritating? I was tripping off of something because of trust issues but I don't want to lose him because of it. Or do men just make a decision to break up and there's no coming back?

He called you "annoying and irritating". Why would you want to go back. He doesn't like you.

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Going on a first date and my car is in the shop. He offered to pick me up, but I live an hour away? should I offer to give him gas money? Friends say yes but I'm used to other men picking me up and paying for everything w/ no concerns.

What? No. You told him where you live. He knew when he offered. He ain't the homie.

He's a man trying to date you. Let him put in the work. They don't mind doing it all when they like a woman. And make him open the door when he gets there.

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how guarded is too guarded? hi! recently started online dating to open up my pool a bit. was having convo w/ guy and I ask questions. he says I'm guarded. I'm a cancer, so there's truth to crab thing. but I'm wondering, should I just be open and trust everyone out the gate?

It's okay to be guarded until you feel comfortable not being so. You should absolutely not trust everyone and be entirely open out the gate. Trust and comfort are BUILT. Not given.

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i stay because when things are good, i'm his world and i see it for him. but when conflict ensues, he drops the ball on conflict resolution. his go-to resolution is give me the silent treatment until i break and then he lets his wall down.

Are you okay with this?

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I caught the Father of my child in some vicious lies, I found out he has a baby on the way & is in a relationship. Things he's lied about for almost a year, we were intimate that whole time. He won't return any of my calls or answer my texts, how can I work through this rage?

Were you intimate, or were you in a relationship? There's a difference.

Stop calling. He doesn't want to talk to you, or want to hear updates about the child. He's put you on pause, and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that. If you haven't already, put him on child support so that you have financial assistance raising your child. He may or may not want to be involved further.

As for the rage, for the short term, get physical, as in work out, do a kick boxing class, run. Literally, burn yourself out. Emotionally, you're going to have to accept he's not who you thought he was and he can't be trusted. Whatever you thought you had with him, it's over. Your relationship with him is "father of my child" and that's it.

This is a great time for therapy, if you can afford it.

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Hello! I want to move out of state for better career opportunities. I have 2 children. My son is 3 and his dad wants him to stay with him. I proposed he goes with me until he's older and I'll send him back during summer/breaks. He wants vice versus...Do I move to provide a better life or live close?

That's something only you can answer. There is no right answer. Just what you choose.

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bf doesn't think it's his responsibility to do any emotional labor in the relationship. i'm vocal about my needs and try to create a safe space where we can both talk about our issues and how to resolve them. so our fights normally happen when i say what i need, we come up w/ a compromise, i say....

"CONT. i give him time to show me consistency so i can see hes listening (he's human and i shouldn't nag) and then i see the same behavior that i had an issue with repeatedly and then he thinks i'm trippin out of nowhere. idk what to do. is it love if he doesn't put in the work? im gettin tired"

Love is an action verb. The feeling isn't enough.

If he's not willing to do any work, or make any adjustments to meet your needs, and your needs aren't met, what's the point?

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Newly married and I feel like when I said I do I married his mom too. 2 days after we got married. His mom got evicted and he moved her in with us. It's been very overwhelming being that it's 4 months later. How can I tell my husband who is a Mama boy. it's time for your mom to find another place!

Ask him what's the timeline and plan for his mother to get her own place, as it's been four months. Add that you love and respect his mother, and you're frustrated and you'd like to live alone with your husband. Do understand, you and your husband are going to have to drop money to get her in a new place and that she has no intention of leaving, otherwise you would have been informed of a timeline and plan. Also, again, she knew she was about to be evicted when ya'll got married. Her moving in may have been part of a plan, at least hers.

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bf and I feuding he says I'm always bitching and complaining about a particular thing I take it as him calling me a bitch I'm offended and now even more mad than I originally was over the petty feud...he says Im putting words in his mouth and that he didnt say it I'm taking it VERY personal..advice?

It's offensive. Tell him, when not arguing, that it really bothers you it's hurtful and derails that conversation. Ask him not to do it anymore since he's been informed.

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Hi D! What is a good date first meet up outfit? My girls always suggest me to show skin. Any thoughts??? And of course, a public meet up. I'm a size 6 and proportional. Smile!!!

Always a dress. Skin if fine (I mean it's summer). Emphasize one amazing part, not all of them.

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What is the minimum amount of time you would suggest someone wait before dating again after ending a 1.5 yr relationship? Was "engaged" the last few months, but the proposal was a desperate/manipulative attempt on his end to get me to not leave.

24 hours.

Date does not mean commit. If you're single, you're free to do what you want.

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Recent grad, having trouble finding work. Bf of 2yrs has been in his profession for the past yr. we're now going thru complications as we're at diff stages in our lives. Sees me as stagnant. Says he understands but can tell it bothers him at times. I am trying. Any advice on how to deal w/ this?

It eases up when you find a job. Keep looking. Make a point of talking to him about your search, not in a complaining way, but so he knows you're actively looking and not sitting on your tush. Also, you need to find something interesting and free/cheap to do so you have something positive and new to talk about. Dealing with a frustrated person without a good outlet is very difficult. Also, don't ask him for money and if you suggest a date, make it cheap.

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Hubs and I txt pretty regularly through the day about what's happening in our day. But almost to the point there's not a lot to talk about at night. We've always been big texters but I'm not sure if this is something I should be concerned about. Thoughts?

Yes. It's something to be concerned about. You don't have good face-to-face interaction, which counts WAY more than what you do on your phone. It's time to pull back on texting. Have a conversation about it so it doesn't look like a major pattern change.

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Hi! I went to Miami with my friend a couple weeks ago, also it was my birthday! She did most of the planning. Some unexpected expenses came up and I paid, and I fussed a little. Now, I feel like our friendship is on the rocks. Should I reach out????


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Wht do I do whn guy has strtd 2 tlk 2 me aftr not doing so 4 mnths? I feel he's not intrstd do 2 prv act,but he finds a way 2 get n my path whn he sees me.Wants 2 act like nothng hapn goes out of his way to speak & covo w/me whn he see me.I really wntd ths 2 evol but now im hesitant.Wht do U think?

Tell him that you're confused and what you've noticed about his behavior. If he wants to be friends or friendly, the very least he could do is apologize and explain.

People treat you how you allow them to.

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BF no goals: guess what I was really asking is if it's worth giving him the time to change/fix it? He wants to, so thought I'd give him that chance, before leaving. I admittedly am in the same boat but working on fixing my ish. Thought we could support each other in this. Not a good idea?

If he's taking actionable steps to do better? Maybe. But if he's all talk, and you're "meh", what's the point?

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BF has no goals, drive etc. He's just coasting in all areas of his life including our relationship. Brought this up to him. He's aware, wants to fix it. Talked about the possibility of marriage, told him I require more than what he's giving me. I love him but he's very blah! Worth sticking it out?

Re-read your question and your description of him. The answer is obvious.

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Picking my bridesmaids for wedding next year. Group of best friends embraced me when I was new to the univ. Now we're close.One of the girls &I have special bond tho we all hang together/speak daily. Is there a wrong/right way to ask one girl out of the group to be a bridesmaid w/o offending others?

You'd be better served to ask someone who specializes in wedding etiquette, or who had bridesmaids. I did not.

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About Demetria Lucas D'Oyley:

DEMETRIA LUCAS D’OYLEY is a journalist, life coach, and award-winning author of two books, Don't Waste Your Pretty and A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life.

Brooklyn, NY

#dating #relationships #dontwasteyourpretty #askdemetria #advice #lifecoach