Demetria Lucas D'Oyley
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At dinner w/ a professor and several classmates (all black women). We got into discussing relationships and marriage. She told us to never accept a man's first proposal (her hubs asked 3xs!) & always marry a man that is more into you than you are into him. I'd never heard of this before, thoughts?

Hmm. Never accept the first man who proposes was what my mother said. I dunno know about that one. Mom's version or professor's version. Mom also came up in a different time when folks married young.

Be with someone who loves you more? That one's pretty common. And it's def good advice.

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How do u personally deal with microagressions? Do u confront them or is best to ignore?

Depends on the day, what it's about and my mood. Sometimes I throw a side eye, sometimes, I'll "wow. That was rude."

I try not to get too upset because what other people say is about them, not me. But it's annoying and sometimes I internalize THEIR problem.

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OP: mature w, younger m. like ur advice but just because 1 writes in doesn't = something wrong. Not sure why that commentary was added. Original ? asked ur thoughts on scenario. Specifically, pitfalls of this kind of sit. Why, end advice w/ a jab? Advice is not always a bad or inference of wrong

Aye! Y'all are on one today.

I don't jab. I punch. I didn't end with a jab or a punch. I was explaining my thought process.

And 99.9 percent of the questions I've received since 2011, are folks writing in because something is wrong. It's the nature of an advice column. People don't usually write in to say, "hey, everything's swell."

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Guys the type that thinks every woman wants him cause hes cute w/muscles.I want to show him that not every woman drools over him so I ignore and act un impressed. Hes pissed me off with the cockiness am I taken it too far or should I let down the guard and approach we are not talking right now

So you're one of the women who wants him and your strategy is to be mean to him? Huh?

Just speak and treat him like a mere mortal. Be polite, don't fawn. Compliment something other than his looks.

Also, if his cockiness annoys you now, won't it still annoy you later? Or you can deal because he's cute?

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Is hearing "I love you" a must or is it more about actions? BF says it every now and then, definitely displayed in how he treats me and how he talks about our future. He used to say it all the time now not as much. I guess I shouldn't make something out of nothing, right?

Right. It's nice to hear it. And he says it, just not often.

In man logic, he's said it. And he acts like it. He doesn't see why he has to repeat it regularly.

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I have opp to meet celeb-not die hard fan but still very cool opp. Problem is I have a conf call for work during windo she is avail. What do I do?

Your job. Meeting a celeb doesn't pay your bills.

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Don't we ALL have moments when we question trust or wonder about trust of our spouse or partner? Even if it's a moment of our own insecurity or we read into something ? So r u saying anytime that creeeps up to just leave?

No, I'm saying actually communicate with your partner instead of digging their stuff.

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This guy and I were talking. And he said "I love (insert my name)" we were kinda talking bout the context of names. Was he saying he loves me subtly or am I thinking too much of it?

Thinking too much. He likes your name

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Can you fall in love in 3 months?

Anything' possible, but do you even know someone after three months to love them?

I actually know folks who have met and married in under three months. It's four couples. And they're still married. By even by their own accounts that was a huge gamble. And they had to work a lot out on the back end. But they're making it, so...

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Why do u always attack the woman for "going through the phone" and not address the fact that the partner was doing shady ish and she found out. It's like you are instructing women tht "what we don't know won't hurt". I'm all for trust but r u saying a man IS likely foul so don't look unless u going

Who did I "attack?" I don't encourage women to bury their head in the sand. I encourage them to avoid all the drama and bounce when they don't feel like they trust their mate. I encourage them to get out of messy situations. I encourage them to trust their instincts.

She's with a man she doesn't trust. If she asks, she doesn't believe him. And she's so distrustful that she goes thru his things. Why is she there if that's how she feels? Save the drama and just go.

She didn't feel like she could trust him, she snooped, found out she couldn't and she's mad and still in the relationship. That makes no sense. If you go looking and you find something, why are you NOT going? If you're gonna find something and stay with a man you've confirmed you can't trust, what's the point?

She can address that he was being shady. But he will address that she also betrayed his trust by snooping and now neither one of them trust each other. That's a mess. Just go.

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Went thru bf phone found a text to girl best friend also his college ex. In msg she tells him about a sex/honeymoon dream she had about him. He responds I'm not yours but we will always have a bond/I'll always be sexually attracted 2 u. She lives in another state. Am I unreasonable for flipping?

You can't flip. You can't bring up his wrong without him pointing out that you're also massively wrong. Your argument goes NOWHERE. Fast.

And why are you in his phone? You don't trust him. Just break up with him instead of being a crazy lady digging in his sh-- and now finding something and being all confused about how to react and what to do. You did this to yourself, hon. You went looking and found something and your plan ain't to go? What was the point, Bae?

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So it's been 8 months & my ex won't move on. Trust has been severely broken. I can't even see a friendship. We cross paths frequently due to our professions. Considering seeing a counselor to help us "un-partner" and figure out how to be around each other w/o it being weird. Good idea or no?

He needs to see a counselor. There's no need for you to go because HE can't move on. That's a him problem.

Deal with him professionally as needed and let it be. If you feel threatened or unsafe, at the very least, file a police report and see what your options are for a restraining order.

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Piggybacking off the pregnancy Q: Why do some men quit the child i.e. don't provide/attempt to parent when the relationship w/the mother doesn't work out? The father/child relationship is completely separate from the romantic one; so why do they let one relationship impact the other?

They pair the kid with the mom. They may just not want the responsibility or raising a kid and they may not want to deal with the child because it means dealing with the mother.

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What's your suggestion to co-parenting with an absent parent of 10 years that "decides" they want to be a parent But putting current relationship before child. Ikr smh

I don't give kid or parenting advice. Not my ministry.

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Told when the pregnancy announcement was made that child support isn't necessary....guy is in a new Rship. it maybe the gf that's pushing this paternity claim.

I'm confused. Why isn't child support necessary? You trust a guy who bounced to financially support the kid? Or you don't want the money to avoid dealing with him at all? GF may be pushing it, but he's doing it. He is responsible for his actions, no matter the motivation.

What is the issue with him verifying paternity? What am I missing here?

Even if he doesn't establish paternity now, if he decides in the future that he wants to access the child and is indeed the father, he has some rights to the kid because: father.

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OP: Mature woman dating younger man. Guy is 39 and woman is 49. Why can't a good time last a long/life time if the younger man wants the mature woman and age to him is not an issue.

It can. Y'all are also both grown AF. Go forth and enjoy.

My concern is when folks have a lack of life experience and they deal with someone who has a lot more and exploit their lack. You see it a lot with older men/young women in their 20s. All guys don't, but many do. And you figure if a woman is writing into an advice column concerned about that, something is probably amiss. Folks don't usually write in when everything's going well.

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When dating attractive successful men how do u remain confident and not worry about the pther good looking successful women he is dating? Like not think about the other "competition" for lack of better word

Focus on being your best you, as hard as that is. There will always be others who have a lot or even better to offer. Focusing on it will only drive you nuts and make you insecure. Also, step your personal hype game up. Other folks maybe dope, but they aren't YOU. You are unique and the best YOU there can be. If that's not enough for someone, their loss.

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Had sex with guy and afterwards he starts talking to my p*ussy. Saying things like "I can't wait to see you again, you were great." First is this something guys do? Should I be flattered? He also told me my p*ssy no longer belongs to me anymore.

I find it corny, but not the end of life. He enjoyed the sex. Be flattered if you like, or not.

He was talking post-sex ish. I'd take the "it's my p****" with a grain of salt. I mean, you could think piece it and have a conversation about how only you are the only owner of your body. But I don't find it necessary at this point.

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So would you say it's selfish or petty to refuse a guy who comes asking for a paternity test after the baby is born? because you were gone all that time stay gone approach...

Yeah. It is. And unfair to the kid who deserves to have a father. I mean he's definitely wrong for disappearing, but the best interest of the child matters more here.

Also, if you want him to pay child support, you would need to definitively establish paternity, no?

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What's your thoughts on guys who disappear when they find out a girl is pregnant whether it be a fwb, one night stand or bf/gf Rship then after the child is born show up asking for a paternity test?

I mean, they suck. Obviously.

For a lot of guys, the pregnancy isn't really "real", per se, until the kid is here. They don't see how they are needed. And also, they run because they really didn't want to build a life with the woman. They leave as a way of "telling" her that they don't want a relationship and she shouldn't expect anything from them.

They show up requiring paternity either to claim the kid, because children = legacy and it's the right thing to do. Or to get a paternity test to be clear it ain't their kid and they won't have to pay child support.

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D, you often say younger gals shouldn't date older men. What r ur thoughts on more "mature" women dating younger men? 49 - 39? Had a soft try 3yrs ago. Both not too committed. Never lost contact & we adore each other. He's mature. I'm mature but not matronly. Any pitfalls? Oh, peen is good!

What are you looking for? A lifetime or a good time? And how old is he?

Usually when I speak negatively about dating older, it's women in their 20s dating men way older. Even in the early 30s when the guy is late 30s+. By mid 30s, you should have some sense to peep games better and read folks regardless of age. Maybe? The 35+ crowd ain't really who I'm concerned about dating "older".

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Guy I'm dating is ghosting me (if I text he'll respond, but we haven't actually seen each other in weeks). But instead of telling him I'm done, I keep asking if we're done, just for him to say 'no, just been busy'. Why am #wastingmypretty when he's clearly not interested?

I don't know, you tell me why you do what you do.

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Part 3: Then she kept telling me to cash the bank check ASAP. She told me this 3x. I got upset and we got into it. She cursed me out and told me not to watch her money, she can spend her money on whatever she wants and ended the friendship. Do I request the balance of what's owed or leave it alone?

Request the balance. And if she doesn't pay it in 30 days, take her to court on GP.

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Last situation with a man, I found out he had a GF for years and I was his side delight. (I found out after 2 months of talking) When I flipped out at him, he countered, you never asked if I had a gf. Normally I do - guess I am slippin. How soon should I ask a man if he is in a relationship?

Lola B

Upfront. Do you have a GF? Is there anyone who thinks she is your GF?

You didn't ask, but he presented himself as single and lied by omission about being in a relationship.

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How do you deal with a passive aggressive person? Give it to them right back try to address it?

Whenever possible, you don't. But if it's like a co-worker, be direct and ask if there's something they would like to discuss.

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About Demetria Lucas D'Oyley:

DEMETRIA LUCAS D’OYLEY is a journalist, life coach, and award-winning author of two books, Don't Waste Your Pretty and A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Guide for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life.

Brooklyn, NY

#dating #relationships #dontwasteyourpretty #askdemetria #advice #lifecoach