effy

everything's wrong. i spend about 10 minutes every morning trying to convince my goddamn self that today is gg to be a good day, that its worth it to get out of bed. & guess what??? its never a good day. ill end up walking to the sofa and just start to fucking cry, i keep telling myself the exact same thing "its going to be okay, im doing fine, i just feel empty" every single fucking day just to get me by about like 100 times a day lol, ive managed to push away almost everyone, & no one even wants to talk to me now, i cant blame them, ive changed and tbh, i dont even wanna be around me either.... i just fucking hate myself and the person ive become now, i dont think a day has gone by in about a month that ive actually havent cry, and to be fucking honest with all of you, idk what happened to me, how i actually got this low, and how things ever got fucking bad. i feel fucking alone despite the incoming msges and calls, i guess i only want him to text me to ask me how im doing. i feel so pathethic that im still hopelessly waiting for something thats never gonna happen, yall wont understand and idk how to explain either... ive tried to feel this space with everything that i am left now, but nothing ever fucking works, trying to convince myself to be happy, but ill just end up crying every single fucking time, im telling everyone that im doing fine bc i want to believe that im actually doing fine, & thats what they want to hear as well... there are times where i feel so fucking sad i just want to pop too many pills but but i couldnt bc i know its gg to upset my parents.... just a month ago or so, i was so fucking happy, so excited for life, i'd wake up and get dressed and make fucking plans, but these days it just takes me forever to pick up the phone and to text or even reply people, idk whats happening or what has happened to me, im lost and confused and sad and alone and fucking hopeless. i dont see the fucking point anymore, my happiness is gone. he left along with my happiness, i cant believe im like this bc of love, bc of a guy. this is what love do to us huh? it rips us apart, & if im being rly honest, i dont even want to be here anymore, anf that scares me.

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