@ddestroyedd

oblivion.

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Pusta przestrzeń.

orsya’s Profile Photomrs Dankov
when georges bataille wrote, "no greater desire exists than a wounded person's need for another wound"
and when ocean vuong wrote, "sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined"
and when lisa m. basile wrote, "did you inherit a sickness? did you blame god? do you believe in god? do you believe in yourself? are you still on fire? did you ever put out the fire?"
and when stephen a. guirgis wrote, "why didn't you make me good enough so that you could've loved me?"

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ddestroyedd’s Profile Photooblivion.
somewhere in america, a 32 year old man reunited with his birth mother after she abandoned him at an orphanage. they don't know what to say to each other despite having a lot that needs to be said. in an attempt to get to know each other they have started a youtube channel where they react to music. the channel's intro music is a cover of the song his mother used to listen to when she was pregnant and alone.
there are things we cannot ever understand about the people we love. it sits in our chest. on the days when you see people living what you've been wishing for, it puts a distance between the apology you want to hear and the forgiveness you've shaped throughout the years.
yet, there are journeys you must take because hope is a destination with good tripadvisor reviews. when google maps takes you to an empty field and announces that you've reached your destination, you must sit in the middle of that nothingness and someone told me that the arrival of a new life for you begins by imagining the possibility of it.
(well, apparently, everything seems to be easier when you're dead).

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somewhere in america a 32 year old man reunited with his birth mother after she

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ddestroyedd’s Profile Photooblivion.
mówię Ci, że nie gonię za ludźmi - albo chcą zostać, albo nie. słysząc to, mrużysz nieznacznie oczy i odpowiadasz, że czasem trzeba biegać przez jakiś czas aby upewnić się, że wiedzą co do nich czujesz. podobno istnieje wiele osób, które zawsze nieumyślnie uciekają i nie zdają sobie sprawy jak wiele mogą znaczyć dla innych.
milczę. co za bzdura.
to ludzi takich jak Ty muszę gonić - dodajesz.
zawsze jesteś za daleko, bym mógł Cię zatrzymać
i szczerze mówiąc, też mam dość tego pościgu.
wzruszam ramionami.
podczas upadku można tylko patrzeć.
mówię Ci że nie gonię za ludźmi  albo chcą zostać albo nie słysząc to

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ddestroyedd’s Profile Photooblivion.
hurt is
being awake for fifteen nights straight
completely exhausted but you still can't sleep
the time is four in the morning and you woke up with a mind full of thoughts and you can't remember if you drifted off at some point
or if you stayed awake for six hours straight
hurt is
repeating the same question
over and over again
trying to look for different conclusions
but coming to the same answer every time.
hurt is 
being awake for fifteen nights straight
completely exhausted but you

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ddestroyedd’s Profile Photooblivion.
"(…) also, i realized that guys around you have the same syndrome. or maybe all guys in general. they totally like the idea of having you, chasing you,
till this run is happening. and they are totally too overwhelmed in the middle of having you. nearby. they suddenly become too basic, too bored, too pretensional, too something. its like a bomb".
also i realized that guys around you have the same syndrome or maybe all

Pusta przestrzeń.

"coraz częściej myślę sobie, że należy jebać innych i na nich nie patrzeć. bez względu jak są nam bliscy, to przecież zupełnie niepodobni. to co powiedziałaś, wpisuje się w brak potrzeby definiowania tego, co się ma. trochę jak wiara;
nie widać, nie wiesz ale czujesz, jesteś głęboko przekonany o istnieniu. stanów, emocji, które są między tobą i kimś. czy ludzie toksyczni w ogóle wiedzą, że są toksyczni? czemu to nas chcą leczyć? stoimy przed drzwiami, których nie potrafimy otworzyć ot tak ale wiemy, że tam są kiedy inni mówią nam, że ich tam wcale nie ma, że coś sobie ubzduraliśmy. ale my wiemy i wiemy, że czasem się otwierają. mamy na to namacalne dowody jak ja i Ty, które tylko utwierdzają nas w przekonaniu, że można to wszystko robić inaczej (…).
nauczyłem się tego przy tobie. puszczać rzeczy niewłaściwe zamiast ciągle walczyć. i że walka jest świetna, że mam odwagę i siłę kiedy reszta jest idiotami. że może i mnie chcą, jakoś ale mnie nie cenią. że ja tego nie chcę."

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Omamy.

orsya’s Profile Photomrs Dankov
you don’t know grief until you have lost someone you have never stayed a day talking without. you don’t know heartbreak until you are stranded in the middle of a street after being told that the love you held so close no longer meant anything but words. you don’t know loneliness until you spend a christmas wondering if this was something you’d ever have.
life always has different plans. you know what it feels like to love all over again. feel moths more than butterflies. and that's okay. life is going to be okay. you are going to be okay. the moment is what matters anyway. listening to the person right in front of you, with rapt attention, and making them feel like they matter is all that matters anyway. there would always be someone better and that doesn't (shouldn't) concern you. you are collecting stories. we all are. and someday, if you are lucky to be able to get old and have a drink of your choice with your loved ones after you have retired, you will tell these stories in a fit of nostalgia and forget whose laughter it was that made you start laughing.
if you aren't lucky, well, what the hell? you got to live a life surrounded by those you loved.
isn't that enough?

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Omamy

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