#türkish

I was already someone who kept to themselves before the pandemic but after the pandemic, I became more of a recluse, only ever communicating with my parents and hardly ever leaving my room. I do still go out to socialize for a change sometimes but it isn’t the same as it used to be considering I moved elsewhere in the same state and am either not really familiar with those who are Turkish like me and happen to live around where I live or I just don’t click with them. I don’t know any other community besides the community my parents are a part of that I grew up around and unfortunately, since I haven’t tried getting closer to those I went to school with, I no longer have contact with them either. My “best friend” blocked me everywhere instead of talking about what bothered her the most about what I did and it made me realize that I needed to interact with people who are more mature than that but that’s also rare to find too. I’m guessing my life will continue being the way it is until I get a job and also find more opportunities where I can socialize with all kinds of people rather than a select few only. In the end, I realized that there are some people who look for excuses to stay whereas others look for an excuse to leave.

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My family is religious but as a Muslim, I myself am not very religious considering I don’t pray regularly and have also found myself feeling uncomfortable at the thought of living a religious lifestyle. I used to attend Saturday school when I was younger (which is when elementary students take religious classes on Saturday in the Turkish community that I’m a part of). In middle school and high school, I would have a religious mentor that I would look up to and look forward to seeing every weekend with my other Turkish friends that I usually had sleepovers with where I would read religious books and pray with them while also having meaningful conversations. Since I am now in college, I’m at an age where I myself can be a mentor but since I don’t practice religion like I used to in the past and am not very confident in my abilities to be a mentor to middle/high school girls, I’m not. Even tho I’m still a part of this Turkish community, I generally don’t feel like I could relate to my Muslim friends on a religious level. I probably would have a difficult time with praying five times a day like the people in the community that I’m a part of usually feel obligated to do, since it’s a requirement in the religion I follow. I’m more interested in having spiritual and “real life” conversations with others, rather than worrying about the afterlife and feeling guilty for not praying (now that I’m older and can make my own decisions). The lack of religious activities I do on a daily basis is one of the main reasons why I don’t attend Turkish camps anymore, where I know I’m expected to take part in religious activities.

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I agreed on going to this social gathering where Turkish people would be dancing and there was also only one type of food being served there. I thought I was going to get backhanded compliments for sure and/or bullied when I got there but I was welcomed and didn’t feel as awkward as I thought I would feel. When I got home, I was nervous again as I had an assignment that was due the day after tomorrow and I still haven’t started it yet nor did I have a clue as to what the assignment was about so I reluctantly asked my dad to help me, knowing he was going to be upset with how oblivious and detached I was when it came to my classes. I was able to do the assignment but ended up misunderstanding the instructions and got nervous about what to do all over again and it was fine in the end but it did suck to have to make up for the irresponsible mistake I made.

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That’s me lol. I think that how quickly someone learns English depends on how interested they are in learning the language and if they make an effort to learn rather than thinking that they’re already good at English when in reality, they might need help. I was never really interested in English as much as I was interested in speaking Turkish so I took ESL for 5 years and didn’t make much of an effort to be good at reading/writing/speaking in the English language until later on. My little brother would always speak English tho (and he still does to this day) and with time, I felt more comfortable with speaking English and took creative writing for two years, which really helped me develop a passion for the language. Unfortunately, my Turkish isn’t as great as it used to be (in my opinion) and I think it has a lot to do with not speaking in Turkish as often as I used to.

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I’m usually restless when I’m alone and I’m alone almost all the time. It’s sometimes peaceful when I have something to do like text my friends, watch a movie or YouTube videos but afterwards I just think, “What’s next and when will I ever have company in person again?” I’m sometimes worried that I’ll finish watching every movie I like, finish reading every “good” book I find and do everything there is to do when one is all alone and won’t have anything to do after a certain point, which would be a nightmare for an introverted person like me. I’m looking for friends but only online these days and currently can’t visit the friends I could’ve easily visited back when I used to live closer to them. I have yet to introduce myself to those who are Turkish like me and are around my age group where I currently live but for the most part, I haven’t been able to get along with those who I already happen to know from the past who currently live where I live and it seems like nothing much has changed, considering I sent an old friend of mine (who also lives in the same state as me) a DM on Instagram and she didn’t even bother reading the message. I hope that I’ll find someone in person who makes me feel at peace while I’m around them no matter how much of an introvert I am because at the end of the day, I still get bored like everyone else does after a certain point and the thought of not being able to have anyone to vent and open up to hurts to come to terms with.

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Sometimes I feel resentful and envy my peers who are about to graduate soon because I wasted three of my college years and am still struggling with the classes that I currently take. But, I realize that I can’t go back and change my mindset that held me back academically in the past but I can try making up for it now. I also feel angry over the missed opportunities that have to do with others not letting me know about certain events that are being held in the Turkish community that I used to be closer to in the past. I think that informing me about the events that are happening in the Turkish community is the least my Turkish friends can do for me these days, especially since they know I want to be included in social events/gatherings as I have brought up my complaints about being left out multiple times.

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She just might be able to but of course there’s no guarantee that it’ll be an easy process for her. I can imagine myself making adjustments for the man that I love and if she truly loves him, she will try her best to adjust and make the most out of living on a farm in the South. Of course they can move later on but love is about making sacrifices and this is a sacrifice she will most likely have to make (unless her and her man are ok with long distance). My mom lived in Erie with me for a few years and even tho she never really got used to living there, it was ok because we eventually moved as a family to another place when my dad found a job somewhere else and my mom was happier to be around more Turkish families after feeling isolated and alone in Erie. This just goes to show that everything is temporary and change is always possible.

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Yes, I still think about my peers from high school even though I haven’t seen them in years. I have some of them added on Snapchat and follow a few of them on Instagram so I know what some of them are up to these days but still feel the disconnect since we don’t talk to or see each other anymore. I’m just upset that none of them bothered to reach out to me despite saying hi to me when they’d see me at school and I myself have reached out to a few of them only to get blocked without an explanation. But sometimes, I also think about my childhood friends and what they’re up to these days since I haven’t seen some of them in 10+ years without any phone calls in between, especially my friend back when I was in second grade who went back to Turkey (where she’s originally from) after a year of staying in the US. She’s probably more fluent in Turkish than me at this point and maybe she lives a more “interesting” life than I do these days but I’m hoping that I’ll get to talk to her in the future (that is, if my mom still has her mom’s phone number/contact info).

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Even though I have lived and grew up in the US, I’m still Turkish and Thanksgiving isn’t a holiday in Turkey but, we as a family still celebrate Thanksgiving sometimes by inviting Turkish friends and families over our house and we serve Turkey of course. To me, it’s just a time to contemplate on what the meaning of life is to me and to take a short break from school and focus more on bonding with people (which is amazing because I typically don’t spend much time with anyone irl and am almost always isolating myself from the world so it helps keep me grounded and more connected to other individuals). Even though the holiday is very brief, it still means a lot to me because without it, I probably wouldn’t have much of an opportunity to see others in person and the only time I would “socialize” is when I go to my in person classes and listen to lectures while being around peers but hardly ever talking to them.

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