tea.

Hiya!

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My weekend has been pretty quiet, which has been great because Wales is in the middle of a fucking hurricane and sleep has been minimal, haha!
Saturday was taken up with training in the morning - we hit the gym for a couple of hours and then got on court for two,and I got to actually /play/ which is something of a novelty these days.
Then I coached the squad in the afternoon, and we shut off the lights and got out these light-up shuttles. Anarchy reigned, it was spectacular. My squad is a well oiled machine that turns into a giggling two year old when they're allowed to play with LED feathers 😉 I tried to video it but at this stage there was just one shuttle going and it was disintegrating fast. They flew long and fell sharp, so my players had trouble keeping them in the air for more than a second 💁

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Theeeennn there was a coach-player development course in the evening. My NGO has a new CEO, and they've decided that they want all of their national coaches to have these extra training sessions so that we know what we're talking about.
Which is fair. I know for a fact that one of my friends has a mug that says "Keep calm and pretend it's on the lesson plan."
At club level, we lesson plan. At county, we have a rough idea. At national, we totally wing it.

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Aaand today was just a junior session for a couple of hours in the morning. It's my close friend's birthday, so there was a cake and a lot of laughs and I love her to pieces. We've seen each other 4 times a week for the past 3 years, so she's more like family. And then I got home and realised that I have deadlines tomorrow and the day after, so I should really concentrate and write these essays 🙈

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It's a year before you see him again.

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You don't spend it sitting around, sifting through photos of the two of you and pressing your hand to your lips as they tremble. You don't spend it curled up on the bathroom floor as another wave of sobs rack your body. You don't stare blankly at the TV, feeling as though he were sprawled out on the sofa next to you. You don't spend it writing him letters that you reread four times before delicately feeding them through the shredder.

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There were photos - of course there were, you're a photographer - but you smiled fondly for that half a second before you slipped them into the back of your drawer. Because yes, maybe it did hurt a little, but you're both happier. The bathroom floor is for stretching out your too-long legs as you try and shave them for tonight's date. He's nothing special, but you just want to have some fun. The TV is for tensely biting your fingernails in front of as the contestants try to bake a perfect Viennese Whirl. You take up the entire sofa, and why do you need six pillows, you greedy girl? You write him letters, but you send them. You're still friends, it's fine.

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And then, a year or so later, your parents throw a champagne dinner.
Do you mind if they invite him? It would just be so rude to invite his parents but to exclude him.
No, no, honestly - you'd love to see him. It's been too long.

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And then you're buzzing them in up the drive, and he's a picture of black stubble and flashes of bright humour and all you can think is "Aw shit." because this, this is why they say that people don't learn from their mistakes.
At dinner, he's genuinely fascinated by your brother's stories. He's the first to leap up and help your mother clear the table. He makes you feel as feather light and as golden as the bubbles in your champagne flute, and you suddenly remember how sweet he tasted on your tongue.
You find yourself searching his face for some sign of change - an extra line, a difference in his smile. But he's reliable. He always has been.

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It's a long while before you're alone together. The sky turned to pitch long, long ago, and now the light throws your reflections up against the windows. You stand at the sink, the hot water turning your hands red as you place the pyrex in to soak.
"Don't worry about it, I'll leave them to dra-"
"I missed you." He doesn't say it as an accusation. It's like gentle hands being placed on your waist. It's like the way that the oboe gently leads Tchaikovsky's Lake in Moonlight.

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And suddenly it doesn't matter that you didn't cry, and that you didn't lose him in the most traditional sense.
Your life is magnificent, but it's more so with him in it.
"I missed you too."

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(I have so much love for these question and thank you for the tag! I trimmed them down bc I rambled but thank you, love!)

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1. Tell me some things you find beautiful.
Fresh flowers. Silk. Smiling eyes. A perfect cross-court drop. The view from my mountains. Autumn leaves. Photos of my friends. Unshaven jaws on some guys. Paws and tails and ears.

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2. What is your honest opinion of me?
I genuinely believe that you are one of the sweetest, most thoughtful individuals that I have come across. You ask wonderful questions, give seriously educated answers and I love keeping up with your instagram - your life seems so exciting?!?!? I honestly wish you every happiness.

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3. Name one politician you DON’T support.
I don't know what's happening in America so I'm going to pass there. I don't reaaaally know what's happening in the UK either, which is kind of embarrassing. I support David Cameron though, which is not a popular opinion.

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4. If you had to rank all of your choices throughout life from biggest regret to smallest regret, what would be the smallest?
I accidentally let my rabbit get pregnant and now I have about seventy rabbits, oops.

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5. List up to 5 songs you really like. Tell me why you like them?
Flares, The Script. Because it's about people who aren't giving up any time soon, and a lot of the people that I love are like that.
Fools, Lauren Aquilina. I like the concept, I like shamelessly loving people. I just don't do it much.
Bonfire Heart, James Blunt. When I saw him live, he was leaping off of the piano and everyone was screaming along and it was this tiny, private performance of 300 people - It was insane. It was incredible.
Something I Need, One Republic - Bee was dancing around to it one time, and it made me so unbelievably happy.
Clean, Taylor Swift. I unashamedly love this song. It's kind of about healing and I can get behind that.

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6. What’s the last film you watched?
I honestly can't remember. I think it was 10 Things I Hate About You after my breakup, because I felt entitled to watch it.

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7. What’s one dream//aspiration you had that you don’t have anymore?
Physiotherapy. I just took an alternative route through uni so it's not on the agenda anymore.

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8. Choose someone you respect//admire//look up to here on Ask and write something nice about them.
You're a fucking ray of sunshine and my word limit is being stupid I LOVE YOU.

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9. How are you? I mean how are you really, deep down.
Getting there. Like, I'm trying to educate myself and calm down.

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10. What has been the best moment of your life so far?
It was probably something really subtle and I barely realised it. It took me a while to fit into Wales, and there were a few moments when I realised that suddenly, this place was home. There's been a couple of wins that left me in tears. There's the moment that my puppy curled up in my lap for the first time. I'm a sap.

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11. Who is one of your least favorite fictional characters?
Ross from Friends. He's the equivalent of the word "moist"

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I went to a nice, refined all-girls boarding school. So it tended to be something like:

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"Don't split us into groups."
"Doooon't split us into groups."
"Don'tsplitusintogroupsdon'tsplitusintogroupsdon'tsplitusintogroups."
"Fuck."
"Fine."
"Flick's alright, she has gel pens."
"Holy crap, are they SCENTED."
"They are."
"I will give you his number for the apple one."
"I will INTRODUCE you for the apple one."
"Aww yissssssss."
"Wait, no, not Hannah."
"Please don't start talking about your horses."
"NO ONE CARRRRRESSS."
"....Okay wait no that's cute."
"Do I have to do EVERYTHING MYSELF."
"Your parents are fucking gazillionaires. How did they breed you."
"Nurse, serrated scissors."
"You do not spell definitely 'defiantly'."
"I'm dyslexic and I know that."
"Suck it."
"I WILL DEFIANTLY SMACK YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A RING BINDER."
"I'm chill. It's chill."
"Go ahead, I'll nap."
"No, not like that."
"Well you can stuff your apple scented gel pen up your- oh, we're done."
"Thank God for that."

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I turned 19 in July and it surprised me. It wasn't so much the fact that I'd made it that far - which was great, don't get me wrong - it's that I was very, very used to being 18. I was very used to "just" being old enough to legally drink and "barely" an adult.

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19 took away all of those exciting privileges. I suddenly had to be an adult and not go "Dude, this is so exCITING." over everything. I'm adjusting. It's taking time. If I'm honest, I'll probably be 20 before I'm totally okay with it.

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In terms of aging, I'm looking forwards to the opportunities and to my life unfolding in front of me. I'm looking forwards to seeing people I love grow with me. I'm looking forwards to a career and the end of my degree. And lunch, right now. And my insurance getting cheaper.

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I can't find it in me to miss being a smallie, though. I was confused about everything a good 94% of the time, so.

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