tea.

• Hammocks. Hammocks exist, and you can flop around in them and rest books on your tummy and swing yourself a bit. It's kind of awesome.
• You know that first day in spring when it's warm enough to shed some of the layers you've amassed over winter? That should be a national holiday all of it's own.
• So should First Day Of Fluffy Socks in Autumn! That should be a thing!
• You get to see how silly people can get when they're sleepy - How they basically turn into baby koalas and want to cuddle you and fall asleep. You get to record the dumb things they say. You get to see a side of them that is usually so well behaved.
• The fact that we live in such a diverse world with about a squillion different kinds of people and languages and food. Some day having the opportunity to go and meet these people and try all of these things. That's insane. That's so cool.
• You get to love things so much that you feel like you're going to explode.
• Going for walks and discovering woods and rivers that you never knew were there.
• Having people who love you, in so many different ways. Getting to love them back.
• The world is finally understanding global warming and is working really hard to turn it around. We're slowly starting to save a lot of our endangered species. Humans, for the most part, are trying.
• You know when you're kissing someone and you feel them smile? I think we should celebrate that. I am so here for smiley kisses.
• Kitchen dance parties! By yourself! With friends! With your dog! With anybody!
• You get the opportunity to turn your life any which way you want. You just have to start. That's so exciting, right? You can become the person that you want whenever you want.
• Trying something new, and sucking, and trying it again, and getting better, and eventually you have something that you love and if you hadn't sucked you would never have known it could be this fun.
• Eye contact with random strangers that turns into a small, happy smile before you both go your separate ways. That extra bit of happiness in your life.
• Barbecues! I mean, the food is always half cooked and mostly tastes of smoke, but barbecues! Standing around with your friends or family with the sun on your shoulders and a drink in your hand.
• When tiny, tiny humans grab hold of your littlest finger with their entire hand. Holy shit, that's kind of amazing.
• The fact that, in Winter, the sun goes down early just so that you can see the sunset.
• Exploring cities and towns that you've never been to before. Thinking, "Oh wow, I cant wait to tell so-and-so all about this!"
• Laughing with other people about how awful passport photos are. I think we should have a "Passport Photo Appreciation" day.
• Rolling down hills!
• Seeing someone you love in the distance and their face just light up when they see you; Getting to run over and leap on them. That kind of breathless "Hi!"

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You know those kids that are half nightmare/half angel, and the parents kind of go "Oh, they're a monster but I love them." - That was me. My brother came along about three years later and just nailed the whole angel thing, so that showed me up in all my tainted glory even more.
I couldn't stay out of trouble. I'm not too sure how much of it was my fault? I just seemed to end up in the office a hell of a lot. And God, the amount of times I was in A&E for something or other - I broke arms and noses and smacked my head open and the list just went on. I have more scars than I know what to do with, to be honest. I had this reputation of never turning a dare down, and because of it I got stuck on roofs and in barns with angry bulls and I was banned from using my bike because I crashed headlong into a really obvious brick wall when I tried to jump it.

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So maybe just cancel out the whole "half-angel" bit. I think I was just a nightmare. I must have shaved so many years off of my Mum's life.

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But at the same time, I was made captain of numerous things and got student of the year a couple of times. I was actually a prefect at two schools for ages! So, y'know, can't have been all bad. I meant well, haha!

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The last time I was at the beach was about way too long ago. I think it was in August? Can't really remember. Definitely ages ago. I keep trying to find an afternoon where I'm not working so I can skive off and go down there, but adult responsibilities seem determined to screw me over ;)

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Okay, so. I was out running on this beach in pretty similar weather back in June. It was about 5.45 a.m, so there really weren't very many other people around? Which was weird. Super weird. Until I got about two miles down the beach, and I saw this dog. I'm always stupidly excited by dogs, and I was missing mine at this point. I was wondering if she was missing our runs, if she had had her tennis ball thrown for her - that kind of thing - so seeing this dog was almost spiritual, y'feel? Anyways, the dog came trotting over, and I was all "Hey, puppy!" and the dog was like "Hey, human!" and then trotted off again. This was a massive beach - there weren't many hiding places, if any - and this dog disappeared. Completely. And I was like "Whaaaaaaat?"
Anyway, hit the end of the beach, about turned, and ran two miles back in the other direction. And boom! There was the dog! I had had my eyes out for this mutt - there was no way he could have overtaken me without me noticing. No way at all. There was a sheer cliff face on one side and the sea on the other.

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Not going to lie, I think it was a ghost-puppy. Something like that.

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Alternatively - I was at the beach with my then-boyfriend one time and I threw a bucket at his head. It got stuck. My aim is amazing, apparently ;)

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• There are going to be people who turn around to you and say "That's impossible - you'll never achieve it." Fuck them. Prove them wrong. The only limitation to your achievements is you.
• There are also going to be times when your breath catches and your heart feels like it's seized up and you stab yourself with your fingernails. I get it - some shit in life is scary. But do that scary thing first and let yourself be scared later. It won't seem like as huge a deal.
• Some goodbyes are permanent. That's okay, kid. Please don't tear yourself to pieces over them. Some people you have to let go of. Take the lessons or the memories or their sense of joy for the world and embody them.
• I know it feels like it a lot of the time, but the world isn't full of bad people. If you're looking around yourself and you can't see a good person, be one.
• Okay, you're going to roll your eyes at this because you think you know everything, you obnoxious ten year old. If you tell a boy that he's boring, it will probably upset him. And yes, it is very, very funny. But please do not tell the vicar's son that he's boring 2K10. I know he is, but that's really not the point. It will cause you a lot of problems that you could very easily avoid. Also, lying and telling him that you've decided to be a pagan will just make Christmas uncomfortable. Stop.
• Don't destroy yourself when you're hurting, love. Most of the scars fade, some of them won't. Not worth it.
• I know this goes against the whole Issac point, but don't try and fit in with people you don't like. You don't like them, why do you want to be the same? Come on, kid. Be brave.
• Don't dye your fucking hair blue. It will take literally years to sort that.
• Forgive yourself. Not just once - I'm talking about again and again and again. Make the mistakes, apologise, learn, grow. Forgive yourself as many times as you need until you find peace.
• Some people will tell you that you love them. You don't have to listen.
• Mum will totally bring up that time that you lost it and swore at her every time you have an argument. Every time. Save future me a lot of heartache and guilt and watch your tongue, young lady.
• Don't judge people by their appearances. You'll get to twenty and one of your closest friends will be from the "wrong" end of London, having grown up in a backstreet boozer. Your string of exes will be privately educated and absolute fuckers. So, y'know, just bear that in mind.
• Remember that the person who got you through all of it was you and be proud of yourself. You've got grit inside of you. You can survive anything.
• Say thank you. To everyone, to everything. You're alive and that's the best thing ever.
• Also, you're allergic to bees.

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At school, we had confession. It was a religious school - most boarding schools are. I thought it was the stupidest thing. Secrets are a secret for a reason. So when it was my turn to confess, I told him that I couldn't. Sorry. No hard feelings. I held all of those secrets as close to my chest as I could - nothing good would come of opening Pandora's Box.

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But with you, at the beginning? God, I whispered them into your neck and you stroked the back of my head. You told me that it would be okay and I actually believed you. I told you in the dark and your hand found mine. I thought that finally, I had somewhere to put all of these secrets down. My lips dripped with them - they stained my hands red.
The first time you raised your hand, and I cried? It wasn't the violence. I was born of flames. My bones are tempered steel - my metal has been well and truly tested. No, it was the weight of all of those secrets piling down on top of me again.

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And you? You were the biggest secret of them all.

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