#classes

I didn’t need glasses until a few years into college and I only ever wear them at home now because I’m taking all online classes at the moment. I don’t wear them outside unless I agree to drive the car due to feeling insecure with my glasses on in public so I went to my in person classes without wearing my glasses last semester. I probably should’ve worn them but I still managed to do decently in class without them (until I decided to sit in the back of the classroom in my creative writing class and could hardly make out what was written on the screen lol). If you need glasses or choose to wear contact lenses instead and are also in school for quite some time while preferring to sit in the back of the classroom, I’d highly recommend you don’t do what I did and wear your contact lenses or glasses.

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I do, especially when I’ve been doing so good in a certain area or class and then let my OCD get the best of me as my intrusive thoughts take over and I can’t seem to think about anything school related when that tends to happen. I’ve failed statistics freshman year of college because I forgot to take my final exam due to being sleep deprived that day (so I took a nap) and thinking about the possibility of being contaminated as I was walking by and into the grocery store when I had a final to take that day. The whole day, I thought about whether or not a part of me was contaminated while trying to move on from the thought (which hardly ever works) so I let the time pass by without a care in the world when it came to my classes. I later realized that I missed it but I was naive and didn’t really know what college was like so I thought I could make up for the exam I missed and somehow still have a chance at passing the class when I didn’t. I took the class again during summer break but couldn’t remember what I learned in statistics from the start of last semester and I had to complete a lot of labs in such a short amount of time so I dropped out of that class and didn’t take it again. I then couldn’t continue with the field of health sciences as a result of being irresponsible and self sabotaging.

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Yes, I thought that someone liked me because he’d sometimes try making eye contact with me when he’d see me around, his friends were nice to me and I had feelings for him too so I always made up excuses for his lack of interest and tried to convince myself that the feeling was mutual. My intuition about him having feelings for me was most likely wrong, since he never really spoke to me except in rare occasions once or twice a year just to say hi. He also never added me back on Snapchat, briefly followed me on Instagram and there were instances when he’d say things that were rude without considering my feelings first. He would walk a girl to her classes but wouldn’t do the same for me and I always felt like I had to compete for his attention while he’d flirt with other girls in front of me. A few years ago, two of his friends blocked me on social media and although I can’t guarantee that it had to do with him, that does indicate that they probably haven’t been hearing good things about me and they obviously don’t welcome me into their circle. I’m trying to move on but it’s hard to do that when a part of me believed that he would actually be interested in me as I kept making up excuses for his obvious lack of interest in me for years.

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I agreed on going to this social gathering where Turkish people would be dancing and there was also only one type of food being served there. I thought I was going to get backhanded compliments for sure and/or bullied when I got there but I was welcomed and didn’t feel as awkward as I thought I would feel. When I got home, I was nervous again as I had an assignment that was due the day after tomorrow and I still haven’t started it yet nor did I have a clue as to what the assignment was about so I reluctantly asked my dad to help me, knowing he was going to be upset with how oblivious and detached I was when it came to my classes. I was able to do the assignment but ended up misunderstanding the instructions and got nervous about what to do all over again and it was fine in the end but it did suck to have to make up for the irresponsible mistake I made.

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I’d definitely do some things all over again, especially things that I know I’ll regret in the future like I’m currently regretting now. I’d like to start back to when I was in 8th grade and prepare myself for the changes that are yet to happen rather than being in complete shock when my friends and I go our separate ways the year after. I would appreciate the time that I’d spend at the library with my friend rather than being too mentally preoccupied with thoughts of the guy who disappointed me as well as my old friend group and would much rather live in the moment and make the most out of the time I had with my friend freshman year of high school. I would consider taking my classes more seriously and would look forward to making friends at school instead of being in school feeling all alone and not having any priorities or a care for the future whatsoever. Maybe then I’d be more accustomed to studying by the time I started going to college and maybe by now I would’ve graduated already.

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Recently is a far stretch but I have taken up Chinese Classes about two years ago and my Interest in culture and language has not died down yet. I do have this silly little childhood dream of being able to speak the Top 5 most spoken World Languages fluently, before I turn 30. My next birthday is next Month btw, so then I will have 4 years to get chinese and Hindi down. Doing alright in chinese actually, just my handwriting is a nightmare according to my teacher, but that is the case in every language so whatever.

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And when I ace one day (Maybe, Hindi is hard is what I heard)...as there are around 7000 languages right now, i have a variety to pick from what I want to learn next.

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ÄMy maternal Grandmother used to be able to communicate in 10 languages 100% fluently. Then she got severe Dementia and now does not remember her own Name, so thats sad.

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Maybe my little dream is a way in trying to honor her memory and the Person to whom I have looked up so much when I was little.

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And now I am sad. Great.

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If it were up to me, I’d be on my phone 24/7 and I pretty much am but the only thing that’s holding me back from doing so at the moment are my classes. I’ve been lying to my dad about how I’m studying whenever he asks and it’s eating me up on the inside, knowing that I’m on my phone and didn’t even read chapter 1 of my biology textbook when I’ve got a test coming up soon. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted tho, since I can definitely go without my phone when I’ve got other distractions that I’m very invested in (like going swimming, playing volleyball, talking to a friend, etc.) but other times, being on my phone is the only thing that I really find comfort in. I’m currently addicted to hearing real life scary stories that people have been through and decided to share online while I’m on my phone when I should be addicted to my biology textbook instead lol. Unfortunately, I spend around 10 hours on my phone these days.

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For me, I wasn’t a new student at the high school I went to yet I still struggled with making friends in high school. I think the reason why I didn’t have friends was because I had social anxiety and would get stressed/anxious every time I stepped foot into the school, so maybe some of the students who are struggling to make friends in high school also have social anxiety like me. They also may be going through a rough time emotionally while they’re trying to adjust to being a high school student. They might be feeling pressured into getting good grades and have a hard time making friends because they’re so focused on their classes that they think they don’t have time for friends or perhaps they feel like they can’t relate to their peers so they keep to themselves instead. They also could be missing their old friends from the previous school(s) they went to and are having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that their life isn’t the same as it was before. If I would’ve been more open minded, opened up to others more in high school, and accepted the changes that came with being a high school student, maybe I would’ve had a better experience as a high school student and made friends that I still happen to talk to to this day.

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Sometimes I feel resentful and envy my peers who are about to graduate soon because I wasted three of my college years and am still struggling with the classes that I currently take. But, I realize that I can’t go back and change my mindset that held me back academically in the past but I can try making up for it now. I also feel angry over the missed opportunities that have to do with others not letting me know about certain events that are being held in the Turkish community that I used to be closer to in the past. I think that informing me about the events that are happening in the Turkish community is the least my Turkish friends can do for me these days, especially since they know I want to be included in social events/gatherings as I have brought up my complaints about being left out multiple times.

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